May 3 was a Thursday. I was on the backside of a sinus/ear infection that incapacitated me for a solid 36 hours......but Mommies still have to get up and get the kids ready for school. So on this Thursday morning I was sprawled across the middle of our giant arm chair wallowing in the pain that went from my face to my ankles. Zella was still asleep and the only sounds that could be heard were those of a dogs neglected toenails tapdancing on the hardwood and Cole, slurping the milk from his Pops. And from the silence, Coles tiny voice said "Mommy, how do orphans stay alive?" The brick hit my chest.....hold it together, McKenzee, just answer his question. "Well, bud, there are these homes called orphanages where some orphans are blessed enough to go live." I could see his brain working. He questioned, "but there aren't enough orphanages for all of the orphans? So what happens to those orphans? Do they die?" Hold back the tears, McKenzee......"yes, buddy. They do." And Cole declared, "Mommy, we can bring an orphan to live with us. He can have my bed. I will sleep on the floor." I lost it. Tears of joy that God had touched my sons heart. Tears of joy that his small faith completely understood exactly what we needed to do - and tears of sadness that some of us adults, with big grown up faith, still can't see it like that. Simple. God says do it. It had been about 6 months since the last time I had talked to Cole about orphans. The last time was when we were reading his library book about Africa. We were reading a page about elephants and how hot and dry the desert is and how living conditions are unbearable without enough food and water. Annnnnnnnnnd Mommy was crying.....reading about elephants. I decided I had to stop. I couldn't drag Cole down in my sadness with me. If God chose to touch his heart for the orphan, He would do it, but it wasn't my job to make him feel something by witnessing my tears. So I stopped talking to him about it. But God had already planted the seed......and this particular Thursday, the seed sprouted. Since that Thursday, on any given night, you can find Cole, asleep on the floor of his bedroom, next to his big comfy bed. That first night I found him like that I woke him and asked him what he was doing and he replied "making room for my brother or sister." Have I mentioned how blessed I am by this little boy? Beyond blessed. Undeservingly blessed.
I sent Jake a text telling him about our conversation that Thursday morning. There's no possible way, as a parent, to not be proud of your child in that moment. But God was using our conversation for something bigger. For about two years I have been praying about fostering/adoption. When God put it on me, He put it on me heavy. And that's how I laid it on Jake. Which is the WRONG way to lay something on Jake. LOL. He wasn't mean about it. He wasn't anti fostering/adoption. He was anti-fostering/adoption for the Kubnicks. There was always a reason. At first, it was because we had our hands more than full with Zella and her protein intolerance. Then it was an issue of space - where would the kids sleep? Then it was an issue of thinking we were moving, and for a while, it was in issue of a million other things overwhelming us and Jake being aware that we couldn't handle it. I hinted and badgered and brought it up over and over until finally, I pushed too far. And Jake asked me not to bring it up again. He knew how I felt. And through it all, I prayed. I prayed that God would touch Jake. Day after day I cried out "God, why would you break my heart for these kids if this isn't your will for us?" Through our church, we have met an AMAZING group of people that have a heart for orphans. Through these several faithful families I learned that just because we aren't adopting, that doesn't mean we can't support the organizations/families that ARE called to protect them. I had a heart to heart one night with an amazing woman with a HUGE heart for God and the orphan. And she said to me "adoption may not be in Gods will for your life, so you need to pray for peace to walk that out.....you need to pray for Gods peace to walk out whatever His will may be." I choked it back. I had never considered that adopting might not be in His will for our family. The next day on my way home from work - turns out commuting is the perfect time for prayer - through tears, I gave it up. I prayed for peace.....to just walk it out. But I kept praying.....only this time, that God would keep us in His will, whatever that might be.
Several weeks later, May 3rd happened. Cole laid the anvil on my lungs that morning and it got to Jake too. Jake posted it on facebook and one of his friends asked him, "are you thinking about adoption?!" - I was a creeper that day. Repeatedly going back to that post......well, Jake? Are you? Are you thinking about adoption?!!! That night we were getting the kids bathed after dinner and Jake said to me....."soooo, hypothetically, if we were to adopt, have you thought about age, gender, or country?" Breathe, McKenzee, breathe. "To be perfectly honest, I don't care about any of those things." He replied....."how about a 5 year old boy from Ukraine? I've been doing some research..." I had to walk out of the room. I"m pretty sure my lips ripped in the corners because my grin was so huge....later that night we stood in the driveway, me in all of my no makeup sinus infection glory and I almost squeezed the life out of Jake as told me he's ready. That God laid it on him, hard. And he's ready. Thank you, Lord.
Jake asked me not to blog about it at first. We wanted to talk to our families and figure out some details. And its a good thing. Once we spoke it......the backlash began. It felt like a full on attack from every side of us. Cole was getting in trouble at school and having some serious behavior issues at home. Zella decided that she was going to do nothing but cry for several consecutive weeks. Our family drama exploded. And the insecurity.......the second I spoke the word adoption, I started feeling judged. I started feeling like every single word I spoke to my kids was being scrutinized by someone thinking that I wasn't fit to be an adoptive mother. Every disciplining action felt wrong. Every meal I fed my family wasn't balanced enough. My house wasn't clean enough. I wasn't spending enough time exercising. I couldn't give my kids the time they needed at the end of a work day. And then I remembered that its none of those things that matter. There's no definition of a perfect parent. It isn't possible to be perfect. We all fall short every single day. Regardless of the toys on the floor, the breakfast for dinner two nights in a row, the piles of laundry or the extra 15 lbs......those things don't equal love. I don't have to be a perfect parent. I just have to love. Are there other components to parenting? Of course there are. But at the end of the day, what matters most? What touches you the deepest?
The Tuesday before Fathers Day Jake was asked to give his testimony, and how it related to Fathers Day and being a father. On Fathers Day, in front of an entire congregation and most of Facebook, Jake told his story. About growing up without a father, and finding the love of God the father. And he talked about our kids, and how they will never have to wonder if he loves them. And about adoption. To say that I was proud is an exaggerated understatement. To think that God is using every second of every day of our lives, past and present, to create a story for Him is overwhelming. To think that God is using the fatherless, to hurt for the fatherless - He makes all things work together for our good. Its incredible.
So yes, there it is.The gigantic cat is out of its gigantic bag. We are adopting.We are walking completely in faith, letting God lead us through the dark, opening one candlelit door at a time. We are aware of peoples opinions, already heard a few of those!, and that well, we might not have the support of every face we meet. And that's okay. We believe, this is Gods call for our family. Its a long process. And every day of waiting will bring us exactly to the place God wants us. Every day feels like a deliverance. Like the doubt of the day before is vindicated with light of the new morning. God shows Himself to us every single day. If its in a friends perfectly timed encouraging text message or in a hug from our son whose heart is totally ready for his brother/sister, He's there. We are beyond honored to be trusted with these beautiful babies. To think that He thinks we should have more Kubnicks is humbling......but who are we to argue?
Watch out world - the Kubnicks are multiplying :)
Monday, July 2, 2012
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
May Days
Its June already. Geesh. May completely ran away from me. And here's why.....
My last post was about Cole and soccer. May brought the end of his season, another trophy for the case, and quite possibly the end of Cole's soccer career. I love my son. But love can't make him coordinated. Kidding. Kind of. Maybe he'll grow into his athletic prowess. I remember many, many a busted chin on my part from countless hours of my dad throwing the ultimate pop fly in our front yard and the ball always sliding by my glove by about an inch only to connect with my face. I have the scars on my knees from when I was about 11 and we moved into our new house. The new house had one step up (and down, of course) to the front porch. Every single morning for the first week or so that we lived there, I fell off that first step. Skinning my poor knees in the same place every morning. The same place on my knees that suffered the hatred of my roller blades and that really steep hill, or my roller blades and that pesky old bike path, or well, any time I put my roller blades on at all. I remember standing in the outfield during a softball game and while I felt secure in being strategically placed in right field so that I was sure to never get a ball, my security was very short lived when that grounder bounced its way out to me. I fielded the ball, took it from my glove, threw my hand behind my head and followed through my shoulder with all my might - and quickly realized that the ball had rolled out of my hand and was sitting on the ground behind me. So I started looking for it frantically....but my hat was pulled down so low that I was having a hard time seeing. By the time I picked it up, it was a home run. Those of you that have known me for a while will remember that in my high school days I wasn't the worst at sports. I was maybe even a little bit good. And so there's hope for my Cole Harrison. There's hope that by the time he gets to high school his crazy, super competitive mama won't have sucked the joy and love of sports out of him. There's hope that he'll find that perfect sport for him and he'll excel and enjoy sports. But for now, for this season, we had fun. And maybe, if I can talk his papa into it, maybe Cole can give soccer another try in the Fall. Maybe.
May brought Jake's college graduation AND his surprise party. When Jake first started talking about graduation I immediately suggested we throw a party and Jake kind of danced around it and I pretended to let it go. But I started planning early April, wove this huge elaborate web of lies that exhausted me, and in the end - he was surprised! I was in complete shock that he hadn't figured it out. He's quite perceptive and well, I'm a really terrible secret keeper when I'm excited. When he walked up to the party and saw the giant banner that said "Congratulations!" he thought it was party to tell him that I was pregnant. WHAT?! Who throws a party to tell their spouse they're pregnant? He was terrified at first, LOL! And then he saw the little graduation hats on the cupcakes and figured it out and that smile, oh boy, melts me every time. I would weave that web of lies over and over again just to see that smile. Just over a week later he graduated, Summa Cum Laude, with his BS in Professional Aeronautics. I was the beaming wife that day. He worked so hard for more hours than I could ever calculate to accomplish this goal. Watching him walk across that stage reminded me of one of the things that I love so much about this man.....failure is not an option. Never once did he contemplate quitting. Never once did he say "I can't" even when he had nothing left. He divided his time so meticulously between work, school, soccer practice, training for a bodybuilding show, the gym, Cole, Zella, myself and sleep that there was no room for anything in between but he made sure to make time for everything. He's inspiring. I swoon.
May brought Jake's mom to us!! Cheryl came to visit us for 12 days. She was here for Jakes party and his graduation. She saw Tybee Island, Hilton Head Island, Beaufort County by boat, a backroads trip to the Midlands to see my Aunt Jen, dinner at the Boathouse, breakfast at Squat & Gobble, church at Praise Assembly and so many things in between. Her visit brought some very much needed Grandma time for Cole and Zella and I can't lie, it was AMAZING to come home from work with dinner on the table! We laughed A LOT and when it was time to say goodbye, we boohoo'ed like babies. Wisconsin is way too far away. We were so blessed to have her with us for such an awesome time in Jake's life.
Right after Jake's graduation, we had Cole's Kindergarten graduation. When Jake left that morning to take Cole to school I had my mommy meltdown. I looked at Cole and realized that he is far from my baby boy. He's growing up, figuratively and literally. He's getting smarter - and learning to use it against us. He's reading and writing and adding and subtracting and he beams with pride in his success. And the Mommy in me, wants him to be my little chunk with the crazy curly hair again. I watched him walk across that stage with his little paper hat on and his hands in his pockets like Joe Cool Guy and all I could think was "there goes Jake". Every day, he's more and more like Jacob. And I'm okay with that. But so the end of Kindergarten came at a perfect time. I cheered and cried that day. It's been a rough year. Okay, real rough. But all we can do is look forward and try to make next years transition smoother. And pray. Gonna take a lot of prayer. We have 8 weeks of reflecting time before we are head first into another school year with Beaufort County and its lack of spell check. 8 weeks. Savoring them.
As for me, I'm kind of in awe. Have you ever looked at your life and realized that so many of the things you're enjoying right now, are the very things that you once hoped and prayed for? I look at each of my kids and remember the several months of trying to conceive with both of them and literally begging God for a positive test. And here they are, 6 and 2 years old. Poster children for the miracle of Gods creation. Tonight I was in the shower and Jake poked his head in the bathroom door and said "lets pray together when you're done". There was a time when I would have wondered whose house I was in......but not now. I am in love with a man that is in love with God! I can't help but think back to the time that Jake looked at me and said "we're rich!". I am. I am rich. And May, May brought days that allowed me to bask in that richness. May brought days that reminded me to give thanks for these blessings. May brought days that reminded me that Gods timing is always perfect. May brought days of encouragement.
May brought great anticipation for June!
My last post was about Cole and soccer. May brought the end of his season, another trophy for the case, and quite possibly the end of Cole's soccer career. I love my son. But love can't make him coordinated. Kidding. Kind of. Maybe he'll grow into his athletic prowess. I remember many, many a busted chin on my part from countless hours of my dad throwing the ultimate pop fly in our front yard and the ball always sliding by my glove by about an inch only to connect with my face. I have the scars on my knees from when I was about 11 and we moved into our new house. The new house had one step up (and down, of course) to the front porch. Every single morning for the first week or so that we lived there, I fell off that first step. Skinning my poor knees in the same place every morning. The same place on my knees that suffered the hatred of my roller blades and that really steep hill, or my roller blades and that pesky old bike path, or well, any time I put my roller blades on at all. I remember standing in the outfield during a softball game and while I felt secure in being strategically placed in right field so that I was sure to never get a ball, my security was very short lived when that grounder bounced its way out to me. I fielded the ball, took it from my glove, threw my hand behind my head and followed through my shoulder with all my might - and quickly realized that the ball had rolled out of my hand and was sitting on the ground behind me. So I started looking for it frantically....but my hat was pulled down so low that I was having a hard time seeing. By the time I picked it up, it was a home run. Those of you that have known me for a while will remember that in my high school days I wasn't the worst at sports. I was maybe even a little bit good. And so there's hope for my Cole Harrison. There's hope that by the time he gets to high school his crazy, super competitive mama won't have sucked the joy and love of sports out of him. There's hope that he'll find that perfect sport for him and he'll excel and enjoy sports. But for now, for this season, we had fun. And maybe, if I can talk his papa into it, maybe Cole can give soccer another try in the Fall. Maybe.
May brought Jake's college graduation AND his surprise party. When Jake first started talking about graduation I immediately suggested we throw a party and Jake kind of danced around it and I pretended to let it go. But I started planning early April, wove this huge elaborate web of lies that exhausted me, and in the end - he was surprised! I was in complete shock that he hadn't figured it out. He's quite perceptive and well, I'm a really terrible secret keeper when I'm excited. When he walked up to the party and saw the giant banner that said "Congratulations!" he thought it was party to tell him that I was pregnant. WHAT?! Who throws a party to tell their spouse they're pregnant? He was terrified at first, LOL! And then he saw the little graduation hats on the cupcakes and figured it out and that smile, oh boy, melts me every time. I would weave that web of lies over and over again just to see that smile. Just over a week later he graduated, Summa Cum Laude, with his BS in Professional Aeronautics. I was the beaming wife that day. He worked so hard for more hours than I could ever calculate to accomplish this goal. Watching him walk across that stage reminded me of one of the things that I love so much about this man.....failure is not an option. Never once did he contemplate quitting. Never once did he say "I can't" even when he had nothing left. He divided his time so meticulously between work, school, soccer practice, training for a bodybuilding show, the gym, Cole, Zella, myself and sleep that there was no room for anything in between but he made sure to make time for everything. He's inspiring. I swoon.
May brought Jake's mom to us!! Cheryl came to visit us for 12 days. She was here for Jakes party and his graduation. She saw Tybee Island, Hilton Head Island, Beaufort County by boat, a backroads trip to the Midlands to see my Aunt Jen, dinner at the Boathouse, breakfast at Squat & Gobble, church at Praise Assembly and so many things in between. Her visit brought some very much needed Grandma time for Cole and Zella and I can't lie, it was AMAZING to come home from work with dinner on the table! We laughed A LOT and when it was time to say goodbye, we boohoo'ed like babies. Wisconsin is way too far away. We were so blessed to have her with us for such an awesome time in Jake's life.
Right after Jake's graduation, we had Cole's Kindergarten graduation. When Jake left that morning to take Cole to school I had my mommy meltdown. I looked at Cole and realized that he is far from my baby boy. He's growing up, figuratively and literally. He's getting smarter - and learning to use it against us. He's reading and writing and adding and subtracting and he beams with pride in his success. And the Mommy in me, wants him to be my little chunk with the crazy curly hair again. I watched him walk across that stage with his little paper hat on and his hands in his pockets like Joe Cool Guy and all I could think was "there goes Jake". Every day, he's more and more like Jacob. And I'm okay with that. But so the end of Kindergarten came at a perfect time. I cheered and cried that day. It's been a rough year. Okay, real rough. But all we can do is look forward and try to make next years transition smoother. And pray. Gonna take a lot of prayer. We have 8 weeks of reflecting time before we are head first into another school year with Beaufort County and its lack of spell check. 8 weeks. Savoring them.
As for me, I'm kind of in awe. Have you ever looked at your life and realized that so many of the things you're enjoying right now, are the very things that you once hoped and prayed for? I look at each of my kids and remember the several months of trying to conceive with both of them and literally begging God for a positive test. And here they are, 6 and 2 years old. Poster children for the miracle of Gods creation. Tonight I was in the shower and Jake poked his head in the bathroom door and said "lets pray together when you're done". There was a time when I would have wondered whose house I was in......but not now. I am in love with a man that is in love with God! I can't help but think back to the time that Jake looked at me and said "we're rich!". I am. I am rich. And May, May brought days that allowed me to bask in that richness. May brought days that reminded me to give thanks for these blessings. May brought days that reminded me that Gods timing is always perfect. May brought days of encouragement.
May brought great anticipation for June!
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Soccer. Ohhhhhhh soccer.
Soccer. It's like the intro sport for all kids. You can fit lots of kids on the field at the same time, its high energy, low requirement for brain power, and overall, pretty cheap. Makes sense. So when Cole was 4, almost 5, we took the proverbial plunge and dove into our PALS sports system. Our first season, Jake coached. Okay, here's how it REALLY went down. He went in to sign Cole up and the people in the office thought "hey, here's a young, super fit dad, wonder if he'd like to sacrifice his sanity and Saturdays and be a volunteer coach?" so they called Jake and told him that if they couldn't find enough volunteer coaches, some kids wouldn't be able to play......meaning, our kid. Two weeks later Jake had a whistle in his hands and a roster complete with 11 kids that all had NEVER played soccer before. Attached to his roster was the medical alerts list. One child was allergic to grass, one would get severe nosebleeds if he got too hot, one had Cochlear implants and his mom didn't want him to get hit, one needed us to carry an epi-pen and one said "exercise induced asthma". We were the Bad News Bears in poop colored jerseys (no lie, they were poo brown). BUT, the season went great! The kids learned, Jake learned that he has WAY more patience than he ever thought he could have with that many 4 year olds and they LOVED him. And the best part for me, was watching Cole absolutely enjoy himself. Yes, he had FUN!
Our first season of soccer, Cole was really driven by his desire to please Jake. It was hilarious to watch him because he was just so happy to be out there and he would run along side the cluster of kids attacking the ball just giggling and jogging, giggle and jog, giggle and jog. He scored 4 goals that season and by the end of the season had really flourished and became one of the better players on the team. So we decided, okay great, he can play again in Fall. And he did. And it was a rough start at first but he did great and he had fun and he even scored a few goals again! So when soccer registration rolled around this year, it didn't surprise me at all when we gave Cole the option of soccer or baseball, and he chose soccer. We requested to be on a team that has some awesome folks on it and a great coach and I figured this was going to be our best season yet. I was wrong.
It's been kind of a rough go so far. Cole's so preoccupied with doing things like throwing up his Nixon peace signs mid field that he can't concentrate on where the ball is. Yes, he very randomly smiles and throws up double peace signs. Unfortunately for Cole, he's not able to run and "peace" and the same time so the peace signs tend to be a HUGE issue mid game. One practice, coach had the kids lined up to try and score goals. Where's Cole? Yeah that's right, at the back of the line, on his back, making "grass angels". Coach says "Cole, throw the ball in just like this" and he demonstrates how to throw the ball over your head from the sideline.....so Cole tosses it up and slams it down like its a volleyball, then the peace signs go up. I'm not mad at him for being a free spirit. The kids hilarious. He's got his daddy's sense of humor and inability to draw the line in the sand and know when it's time to stop. But I am struggling to teach him the when and the where. Where its appropriate and when he needs to stop being the clown and focus.
So far, the games have been pretty good.....okay, not the one where the sprinklers came on mid game and they had to play through it. He was pretty bad during that one, but that game aside, things have been okay. As long as the game keeps moving, he's good. Until Saturday. Saturday was bad. It was really really BAD. First of all, we might as well have been playing soccer with the devil because it was hot enough that it felt like hell and all of the kids were grumpy as demons. We had to show up early to take pictures that no one ordered because they were WAY overpriced so by the time game time rolled around the kids were all worn out and the parents were barely cheering because moving or exerting energy meant more sweat and body heat. I look out on the field and Cole's doing the shoulder slump. If any of you have ever seen Cole do the shoulder slump, you can laugh right now. He drops his chin to his chest, rolls his shoulders over forward and hangs his hands as low as he can and flops them around as he drags his feet, all the while almost tripping over his pouty lip. Its been a really long time since I've seen the full blown slump. I thought that maybe we had moved past it.....but nope! In the middle of the game, as he's supposed to be on offense and kids are running all around him trying to you know, kick the soccer ball, he's doing the slump. The competitor in me started to rip through me like a tornado. And then Jake saw it. Our blood was both literally and figuratively boiling at that point. We're athletes. How can you just let your team down like that? I mean sure, it's not like he threw the game in a point shaving scandal but come on man! TRY!!!! The next quarter he told coach he wanted to sit out. God Bless Coach. He's got a great attitude, he's hilarious, he's patient and he's fun......and he's also an athlete. Pretty sure this irritated him as much as it did us. You WANT to sit out?!!! We made it through the game and tried to take a team picture afterward. Our picture is missing one child that had a meltdown mid game and his dad took him home and then it might as well be missing Cole. Standing in the back row, complete with purple gatorade ring around his mouth and the tip of his nose, rather than wearing a smile like the rest of his team, Cole is wearing the crinkle face of a sobbing child....because even though they were having their picture taken, he thought he had missed the picture? Still can't figure that one out. In one of the pictures his eyes are all big and he's leaning backward as he's gasping for air between sobs. Either way......not a great memory. And not a great ride home. And since that day the word soccer has evoked sighing and grunting from both myself and Jake. And now here we are again, Soccer Tuesday. Much like Taco Tuesday in that we will definitely have heart burn but not quite as easy as chopping some lettuce and tossing in a packet of seasoning. What is going on? What happened to our kid? Since when does he just stop trying?!!!
Something happened. Okay, not something. Kindergarten. Kindergarten happened. Other kids happened. Cole's once, very rosey view of his life changed and for the first time, he's become very aware of his athletic status...."meh". Yes, I said it. He's just average. And while that's totally okay......its not at all - because now he knows. Kids are mean sometimes. Even if its just someone laughing at him because he wears the same tennis shoes every day (I just need to add here, that he doesn't, and it wouldn't matter if he did, but some punk kid just decided to pick on him one day because he's too sweet and nice to defend himself). And then an older child at after school made fun of him because he didn't know his multiplication tables (again, in Kindergarten), but he doesn't understand that. His life of comparing himself to other kids has started and at such a young age he doesn't know how to rationalize things the way that we do as adults. He just feels not good enough. And if he's not good enough then why try? And I get it. Kids that aren't naturally talented athletically have to learn team sports from a different angle. They have to learn what it means to support the team, because it won't be them getting the glory. It will be a star teammate. They have to learn about the heart and the commitment, not about the fun of scoring all the goals and people cheering your name. They have to learn how to play a supporting, rather than a starring role. And from experience, that's a tough lesson. And its NOT OK for him to give up just because he's not the best. And we have NO idea how to teach him without it sounding like crazy soccer mom and dad yelling at him......but the comfort we find is knowing that we don't have to know how to teach him, we have a guideline and so when we can't find the words, we know where to look for them.
1 Corinthians 10:31 says "so whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God".
Colossians 3:23 says "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for man".
So tonight, before Cole's game, we'll read these verses together, talk about how even soccer falls into this and in my mind I will be secretly hoping that if mom and dad's opinion doesn't matter to him, hopefully Gods does. I'll remind myself to build him up and encourage him and maybe even lie to him a little about his ability in an effort to thwart the negative thoughts he's obviously got about his soccer skills. And we will try to take a normal team picture and there will be no blue gatorade this game. Jake and I will sit on the sidelines and cheer. I'll multi-task and cheer/pray, pray/cheer that he at least shows an interest so that Jake won't pull him for the rest of the season. I'll secretly be praying that he scores a goal, just one, just for that confidence booster. Just so he sees that he's good enough. Just so I can see him smile and giggle again......and maybe, just maybe, if I'm lucky, I'll get to see double peace signs :)
Our first season of soccer, Cole was really driven by his desire to please Jake. It was hilarious to watch him because he was just so happy to be out there and he would run along side the cluster of kids attacking the ball just giggling and jogging, giggle and jog, giggle and jog. He scored 4 goals that season and by the end of the season had really flourished and became one of the better players on the team. So we decided, okay great, he can play again in Fall. And he did. And it was a rough start at first but he did great and he had fun and he even scored a few goals again! So when soccer registration rolled around this year, it didn't surprise me at all when we gave Cole the option of soccer or baseball, and he chose soccer. We requested to be on a team that has some awesome folks on it and a great coach and I figured this was going to be our best season yet. I was wrong.
It's been kind of a rough go so far. Cole's so preoccupied with doing things like throwing up his Nixon peace signs mid field that he can't concentrate on where the ball is. Yes, he very randomly smiles and throws up double peace signs. Unfortunately for Cole, he's not able to run and "peace" and the same time so the peace signs tend to be a HUGE issue mid game. One practice, coach had the kids lined up to try and score goals. Where's Cole? Yeah that's right, at the back of the line, on his back, making "grass angels". Coach says "Cole, throw the ball in just like this" and he demonstrates how to throw the ball over your head from the sideline.....so Cole tosses it up and slams it down like its a volleyball, then the peace signs go up. I'm not mad at him for being a free spirit. The kids hilarious. He's got his daddy's sense of humor and inability to draw the line in the sand and know when it's time to stop. But I am struggling to teach him the when and the where. Where its appropriate and when he needs to stop being the clown and focus.
So far, the games have been pretty good.....okay, not the one where the sprinklers came on mid game and they had to play through it. He was pretty bad during that one, but that game aside, things have been okay. As long as the game keeps moving, he's good. Until Saturday. Saturday was bad. It was really really BAD. First of all, we might as well have been playing soccer with the devil because it was hot enough that it felt like hell and all of the kids were grumpy as demons. We had to show up early to take pictures that no one ordered because they were WAY overpriced so by the time game time rolled around the kids were all worn out and the parents were barely cheering because moving or exerting energy meant more sweat and body heat. I look out on the field and Cole's doing the shoulder slump. If any of you have ever seen Cole do the shoulder slump, you can laugh right now. He drops his chin to his chest, rolls his shoulders over forward and hangs his hands as low as he can and flops them around as he drags his feet, all the while almost tripping over his pouty lip. Its been a really long time since I've seen the full blown slump. I thought that maybe we had moved past it.....but nope! In the middle of the game, as he's supposed to be on offense and kids are running all around him trying to you know, kick the soccer ball, he's doing the slump. The competitor in me started to rip through me like a tornado. And then Jake saw it. Our blood was both literally and figuratively boiling at that point. We're athletes. How can you just let your team down like that? I mean sure, it's not like he threw the game in a point shaving scandal but come on man! TRY!!!! The next quarter he told coach he wanted to sit out. God Bless Coach. He's got a great attitude, he's hilarious, he's patient and he's fun......and he's also an athlete. Pretty sure this irritated him as much as it did us. You WANT to sit out?!!! We made it through the game and tried to take a team picture afterward. Our picture is missing one child that had a meltdown mid game and his dad took him home and then it might as well be missing Cole. Standing in the back row, complete with purple gatorade ring around his mouth and the tip of his nose, rather than wearing a smile like the rest of his team, Cole is wearing the crinkle face of a sobbing child....because even though they were having their picture taken, he thought he had missed the picture? Still can't figure that one out. In one of the pictures his eyes are all big and he's leaning backward as he's gasping for air between sobs. Either way......not a great memory. And not a great ride home. And since that day the word soccer has evoked sighing and grunting from both myself and Jake. And now here we are again, Soccer Tuesday. Much like Taco Tuesday in that we will definitely have heart burn but not quite as easy as chopping some lettuce and tossing in a packet of seasoning. What is going on? What happened to our kid? Since when does he just stop trying?!!!
Something happened. Okay, not something. Kindergarten. Kindergarten happened. Other kids happened. Cole's once, very rosey view of his life changed and for the first time, he's become very aware of his athletic status...."meh". Yes, I said it. He's just average. And while that's totally okay......its not at all - because now he knows. Kids are mean sometimes. Even if its just someone laughing at him because he wears the same tennis shoes every day (I just need to add here, that he doesn't, and it wouldn't matter if he did, but some punk kid just decided to pick on him one day because he's too sweet and nice to defend himself). And then an older child at after school made fun of him because he didn't know his multiplication tables (again, in Kindergarten), but he doesn't understand that. His life of comparing himself to other kids has started and at such a young age he doesn't know how to rationalize things the way that we do as adults. He just feels not good enough. And if he's not good enough then why try? And I get it. Kids that aren't naturally talented athletically have to learn team sports from a different angle. They have to learn what it means to support the team, because it won't be them getting the glory. It will be a star teammate. They have to learn about the heart and the commitment, not about the fun of scoring all the goals and people cheering your name. They have to learn how to play a supporting, rather than a starring role. And from experience, that's a tough lesson. And its NOT OK for him to give up just because he's not the best. And we have NO idea how to teach him without it sounding like crazy soccer mom and dad yelling at him......but the comfort we find is knowing that we don't have to know how to teach him, we have a guideline and so when we can't find the words, we know where to look for them.
1 Corinthians 10:31 says "so whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God".
Colossians 3:23 says "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for man".
So tonight, before Cole's game, we'll read these verses together, talk about how even soccer falls into this and in my mind I will be secretly hoping that if mom and dad's opinion doesn't matter to him, hopefully Gods does. I'll remind myself to build him up and encourage him and maybe even lie to him a little about his ability in an effort to thwart the negative thoughts he's obviously got about his soccer skills. And we will try to take a normal team picture and there will be no blue gatorade this game. Jake and I will sit on the sidelines and cheer. I'll multi-task and cheer/pray, pray/cheer that he at least shows an interest so that Jake won't pull him for the rest of the season. I'll secretly be praying that he scores a goal, just one, just for that confidence booster. Just so he sees that he's good enough. Just so I can see him smile and giggle again......and maybe, just maybe, if I'm lucky, I'll get to see double peace signs :)
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
ADD
My handsome husband is at work, the laundry is put away with the last load in the dryer, the babies are sleeping and the bathroom is cleaned (someone is going to need to resuscitate Jake right now because this one might have sent him into shock) and I've been thinking about this for about a week now.....time to blog it.
In August when Cole started Kindergarten we had these ideas of rapid learning and high fives over homework, smiley face stickers on top of coloring pages and tales of who played tag at recess. The reality was much much harsher than the fantasy. The notes came home with comments like "very disrespectful during music class. Kicked my keyboard" or "Cole had to be removed from carpet time today because he was laying on his side rolling back and forth trying to knock the other children over. When asked what he was doing he replied "bowling"." By the third week of school, Jake and I were laying hands on him every morning and praying that he would find a way to control his body and teach his brain to focus. It was bad. We knew going in to Kindergarten that Cole was hyperactive. We also knew that for his age, he was advanced so he might be bored and also well, he was a 5 year old boy. That alone could explain so many things. But it became clear to us, very very quickly, that we had to do something different, something other than what we were currently attempting, but failing, to do. Off to the doctor and yes, the official diagnosis. ADHD. No big surprise. But so the big deal was do we medicate? Do we not medicate? It took about 2 seconds for Jake and I to agree No. So we started talking about our other options. Our Dr. has been wonderful in providing us education about ADHD, support, literature, forums, etc. and he has really stressed, like everytime we see him stressed...."behavior modification". Basically we find ways to reach Cole, learning alternatives, anything to create a routine for him that works for everyone.
So we try. And sometimes its great and sometimes its really tough. These last two weeks fall under really tough. I'm the ADHD matriarch in this house. I'm the reminder of "he can't help it" when Cole is break dancing naked with one leg in his underwear when he's supposed to be getting dressed for bed. So when I'm off......Cole's off. Jake breaking his ankle threw us for a loop. It was like I was a single mom to three, one of which was adult sized and in a lot of pain. And I made it work....but my mental state took a rapid plummet by day 5. And there was no effort to help Cole....which meant Cole at full blast, Zella in total terrible 2's mode and Mommy with not a lot of patience. Last Monday morning I put the kids in the car, shut the door, walked to the end of the driveway, screamed at the top of my lungs, and got in the car and headed to school. After I dropped the kids off I proceeded to have a minor (okay thats a lie, it was ridiculously overdramatic) meltdown. At the end of one of the sobbing sessions it hit me in the face.......I have ADD.
Not the same kind Cole has, but kind of yeah. Mine is spiritual ADHD. Where I can't seem to listen to God, I can't remember to just "be still" and so quickly, on a daily basis, I forget the instructions and go my own way, distracted by the little things like clean bathrooms and end of driveway meltdowns. And I think about how I feel when Cole doesn't seem to care. When he puts in no effort at all to change the things that I'm asking him to do, even though he says "yes mommy" when I ask.....I think about how as God's child. I am the exact same way with Him, and how much deeper He must hurt than I do....which means it's completely heartbreaking for Him. And then I think about the behavior modification.....how when I get down on my knees and I hold Coles face in my hands to talk to him, so that we're eye to eye and hes watching me as he's hearing me, how he really HEARS me and he follows through. I think about how its the same when God holds me by the cheeks and speaks to me, forcing me to listen because He's been saying it for so long and I've been ignoring Him, I think about how easy it is to follow the instructions, when I focus on Him, while He's talking to me. I can't help but think about our morning routine and how Cole can literally take an entire morning just to put his shoes on and it makes me so angry, but the solution is so simple, set a timer and he can do it in 2 minutes, on, tied and ready to roll. And so I can't help but wonder how God feels in the mornings when it takes me so long to acknowledge Him.....when the simple fix is to set my alarm, so that I specifically have time for Him. I think about how when we give Cole too many instructions at one time, he gets easily distracted and forgets the tasks at hand. The solution is to create a chart with his tasks on it, write it down so he can refer back to the list when he forgets his jobs. Kind of how I forget the instructions so easily, so my Father, God, wrote it all down for me, so that I can go back and reference that anytime I forget or get lost. I could go on all night. The parallels are astounding. How quickly I forget how deep the depth really was, or lonely lost can be, or how many times He's pulled me from that place, or how many times He's calmed the storm in me, or blessed me beyond my dreams, or worked literal miracles in my life, or answered prayers or died for me or conquered death. How quickly I forget, when I'm standing at the end of my driveway, screaming at the top of my lungs because I'm stretched so thin for these three people that I love more than anything in this world.....how quickly I forget how He must have felt, stretched thin for me, and for Jake, Cole and Zella, and for all of Gods children, up there on that cross. And He did it for me. For me. Even though I forget. And He knew I would. He did it anyways. He has the patience with me that only the parent of an ADHD child can have.....patience beyond understanding. Love above all else. He loves me anyways.
This morning at breakfast, in the total quiet of our kitchen, Cole said to me, "God is king of everything". And he took another bite of cereal. Its those moments. Those are the ones that remind me that God's love has changed me and Jake enough that even through the daily struggle of his ADHD, we are loving him and raising him to love God and the rest will just happen. We'll struggle. We'll forget. But He'll pull us out, grab us by the cheeks, force us to look Him in the eye and listen. Because that's what love does. Oh, how He loves us!
Behavior modification. Nothing will ever change, if you don't ever change anything.
In August when Cole started Kindergarten we had these ideas of rapid learning and high fives over homework, smiley face stickers on top of coloring pages and tales of who played tag at recess. The reality was much much harsher than the fantasy. The notes came home with comments like "very disrespectful during music class. Kicked my keyboard" or "Cole had to be removed from carpet time today because he was laying on his side rolling back and forth trying to knock the other children over. When asked what he was doing he replied "bowling"." By the third week of school, Jake and I were laying hands on him every morning and praying that he would find a way to control his body and teach his brain to focus. It was bad. We knew going in to Kindergarten that Cole was hyperactive. We also knew that for his age, he was advanced so he might be bored and also well, he was a 5 year old boy. That alone could explain so many things. But it became clear to us, very very quickly, that we had to do something different, something other than what we were currently attempting, but failing, to do. Off to the doctor and yes, the official diagnosis. ADHD. No big surprise. But so the big deal was do we medicate? Do we not medicate? It took about 2 seconds for Jake and I to agree No. So we started talking about our other options. Our Dr. has been wonderful in providing us education about ADHD, support, literature, forums, etc. and he has really stressed, like everytime we see him stressed...."behavior modification". Basically we find ways to reach Cole, learning alternatives, anything to create a routine for him that works for everyone.
So we try. And sometimes its great and sometimes its really tough. These last two weeks fall under really tough. I'm the ADHD matriarch in this house. I'm the reminder of "he can't help it" when Cole is break dancing naked with one leg in his underwear when he's supposed to be getting dressed for bed. So when I'm off......Cole's off. Jake breaking his ankle threw us for a loop. It was like I was a single mom to three, one of which was adult sized and in a lot of pain. And I made it work....but my mental state took a rapid plummet by day 5. And there was no effort to help Cole....which meant Cole at full blast, Zella in total terrible 2's mode and Mommy with not a lot of patience. Last Monday morning I put the kids in the car, shut the door, walked to the end of the driveway, screamed at the top of my lungs, and got in the car and headed to school. After I dropped the kids off I proceeded to have a minor (okay thats a lie, it was ridiculously overdramatic) meltdown. At the end of one of the sobbing sessions it hit me in the face.......I have ADD.
Not the same kind Cole has, but kind of yeah. Mine is spiritual ADHD. Where I can't seem to listen to God, I can't remember to just "be still" and so quickly, on a daily basis, I forget the instructions and go my own way, distracted by the little things like clean bathrooms and end of driveway meltdowns. And I think about how I feel when Cole doesn't seem to care. When he puts in no effort at all to change the things that I'm asking him to do, even though he says "yes mommy" when I ask.....I think about how as God's child. I am the exact same way with Him, and how much deeper He must hurt than I do....which means it's completely heartbreaking for Him. And then I think about the behavior modification.....how when I get down on my knees and I hold Coles face in my hands to talk to him, so that we're eye to eye and hes watching me as he's hearing me, how he really HEARS me and he follows through. I think about how its the same when God holds me by the cheeks and speaks to me, forcing me to listen because He's been saying it for so long and I've been ignoring Him, I think about how easy it is to follow the instructions, when I focus on Him, while He's talking to me. I can't help but think about our morning routine and how Cole can literally take an entire morning just to put his shoes on and it makes me so angry, but the solution is so simple, set a timer and he can do it in 2 minutes, on, tied and ready to roll. And so I can't help but wonder how God feels in the mornings when it takes me so long to acknowledge Him.....when the simple fix is to set my alarm, so that I specifically have time for Him. I think about how when we give Cole too many instructions at one time, he gets easily distracted and forgets the tasks at hand. The solution is to create a chart with his tasks on it, write it down so he can refer back to the list when he forgets his jobs. Kind of how I forget the instructions so easily, so my Father, God, wrote it all down for me, so that I can go back and reference that anytime I forget or get lost. I could go on all night. The parallels are astounding. How quickly I forget how deep the depth really was, or lonely lost can be, or how many times He's pulled me from that place, or how many times He's calmed the storm in me, or blessed me beyond my dreams, or worked literal miracles in my life, or answered prayers or died for me or conquered death. How quickly I forget, when I'm standing at the end of my driveway, screaming at the top of my lungs because I'm stretched so thin for these three people that I love more than anything in this world.....how quickly I forget how He must have felt, stretched thin for me, and for Jake, Cole and Zella, and for all of Gods children, up there on that cross. And He did it for me. For me. Even though I forget. And He knew I would. He did it anyways. He has the patience with me that only the parent of an ADHD child can have.....patience beyond understanding. Love above all else. He loves me anyways.
This morning at breakfast, in the total quiet of our kitchen, Cole said to me, "God is king of everything". And he took another bite of cereal. Its those moments. Those are the ones that remind me that God's love has changed me and Jake enough that even through the daily struggle of his ADHD, we are loving him and raising him to love God and the rest will just happen. We'll struggle. We'll forget. But He'll pull us out, grab us by the cheeks, force us to look Him in the eye and listen. Because that's what love does. Oh, how He loves us!
Behavior modification. Nothing will ever change, if you don't ever change anything.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Joy
"I can find joy here, too. That God is in the days that go as planned. And God is in the days that don't." -Katie Davis
First let me say that if you're reading this blog, and you haven't ever read Katie Davis' blog, or her book, or read about Amazima, read it. Go there now. kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com When you get there, you'll understand why I sent you.
So Saturday night I was catching up on her blog posts. And this line grabbed me......"I can find JOY here, too. That God is in the days that go as planned. And God is in the days that don't." And today, it kept repeating itself in my head.....God is here. Find the joy.
Jake and I have been together almost 10 years. In the beginning of our relationship I remember the panic that ensued (we were only dating at the time) when I got a phone call that said Jake had lost all feeling in his legs during his PFT and the ambulance was taking him to the ER. Panic. The time that the surgeon was explaining to us that they would need to also have a Vascular Surgeon on staff during Jakes back surgery in order to move his main arteries away from the drill and screws that would be used on his spine. That there was a chance that after surgery, he would be sterile. Panic. The time he called and said "dont panic".....always panic when a man says not to panic.....and he had been unconscious in the woods for hours, 6 months post back surgery, after being thrown over the handle bars of a dirt bike. Panic. Panic Panic Panic. Today, when one of Jakes friends called and said that he asked them to call and he was being taken to the ER, that it sounded like celery had snapped, panic. But not panic because I don't know for a fact that God is with him in every single one of these situations. Panic because he's alone. Panic because I can't teleport myself to his location to hold his hand. Panic that in that very moment, I can't fix it. That's what I do. Gods the foundation of the family, Jake's the leader, and I'm the glue.
As I was driving all over Beaufort County today it kept coming back to me. Find the joy. Find the joy. God is here.
When I got to the hospital I found a very different Jake than the last several times we've been in those same shoes. He was laughing. He was gutting his way through the pain. He wasn't using foul language. He was being incredibly courteous to the very talkative nurse that kept hitting his foot with her leg as she was preparing to wrap it. He was grateful for the care that had been provided and sympathetic toward the nurses in knowing that their jobs are far less than glamorous. He was sitting on the bed, head bobbing back and forth as he swore the morphine shot wasn't working, and I found the joy. I found the joy that God put in Jacob. The joy that has changed his life, and our marriage.....even the very very painful (both literal and metaphorical) times. Joy.
And I kept finding it. When I got to my amazing sisters house and I found Zella sitting in her lap eating dinner, smearing spaghetti sauce all over McCall, who couldn't care less, because kids are kids. I found the joy in realizing that no matter the day or the time, the plan or the un-plan, McCall says "yes" to 2 more kids. 2 more screaming and needing to eat and running wild through her living room in addition to her 4. Because she loves them. And that's all that matters. Joy in the love of my sister.
We were in the car on our way home and Cole was pretty upset that Jakes hurt. I don't even have to elaborate. How sweet is that? To have a child so thoughtful and loving and tender that he shed tears because Daddy was in pain. JOY. To hear Jake tell Cole that he doesn't have to worry about daddy, because Gods going to take care of him. JOY. To hear Jake remind Cole that no matter where he is, if he's scared or feeling anxious or just really really happy, that he can talk to God too, and Gods there. JOY. To go on a five minute rant saying "I am the mother in this family. It doesn't matter if I get sick. Its a non-optional. I'm fine" and to hear Jake say "you matter". JOY. To have the pleasure and honor of taking care of Jake tonight. To call myself his "wife". JOY. We've opened the floodgates.
Today was the day that didn't go as planned. We've had several like this one and they have gotten no less gut wrenching over the years. Did we have a plan this morning other than get the kids to school and get to work? No. But we did kind of have an un-plan. Things like "today we will not contract the flu and bring it home to our poor unsuspecting family members" or "today I will not get into a car accident" or most importantly "today, I will not need for any reason to go to the hospital". Its the unwritten daily code. The things that you never ever plan to do. But I found joy today, in a perfect execution of the un-plan that I could have never found in the plan. And that's God. He's there. In every single day.....the good ones and the really bad ones. And we can find joy there, too.
First let me say that if you're reading this blog, and you haven't ever read Katie Davis' blog, or her book, or read about Amazima, read it. Go there now. kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com When you get there, you'll understand why I sent you.
So Saturday night I was catching up on her blog posts. And this line grabbed me......"I can find JOY here, too. That God is in the days that go as planned. And God is in the days that don't." And today, it kept repeating itself in my head.....God is here. Find the joy.
Jake and I have been together almost 10 years. In the beginning of our relationship I remember the panic that ensued (we were only dating at the time) when I got a phone call that said Jake had lost all feeling in his legs during his PFT and the ambulance was taking him to the ER. Panic. The time that the surgeon was explaining to us that they would need to also have a Vascular Surgeon on staff during Jakes back surgery in order to move his main arteries away from the drill and screws that would be used on his spine. That there was a chance that after surgery, he would be sterile. Panic. The time he called and said "dont panic".....always panic when a man says not to panic.....and he had been unconscious in the woods for hours, 6 months post back surgery, after being thrown over the handle bars of a dirt bike. Panic. Panic Panic Panic. Today, when one of Jakes friends called and said that he asked them to call and he was being taken to the ER, that it sounded like celery had snapped, panic. But not panic because I don't know for a fact that God is with him in every single one of these situations. Panic because he's alone. Panic because I can't teleport myself to his location to hold his hand. Panic that in that very moment, I can't fix it. That's what I do. Gods the foundation of the family, Jake's the leader, and I'm the glue.
As I was driving all over Beaufort County today it kept coming back to me. Find the joy. Find the joy. God is here.
When I got to the hospital I found a very different Jake than the last several times we've been in those same shoes. He was laughing. He was gutting his way through the pain. He wasn't using foul language. He was being incredibly courteous to the very talkative nurse that kept hitting his foot with her leg as she was preparing to wrap it. He was grateful for the care that had been provided and sympathetic toward the nurses in knowing that their jobs are far less than glamorous. He was sitting on the bed, head bobbing back and forth as he swore the morphine shot wasn't working, and I found the joy. I found the joy that God put in Jacob. The joy that has changed his life, and our marriage.....even the very very painful (both literal and metaphorical) times. Joy.
And I kept finding it. When I got to my amazing sisters house and I found Zella sitting in her lap eating dinner, smearing spaghetti sauce all over McCall, who couldn't care less, because kids are kids. I found the joy in realizing that no matter the day or the time, the plan or the un-plan, McCall says "yes" to 2 more kids. 2 more screaming and needing to eat and running wild through her living room in addition to her 4. Because she loves them. And that's all that matters. Joy in the love of my sister.
We were in the car on our way home and Cole was pretty upset that Jakes hurt. I don't even have to elaborate. How sweet is that? To have a child so thoughtful and loving and tender that he shed tears because Daddy was in pain. JOY. To hear Jake tell Cole that he doesn't have to worry about daddy, because Gods going to take care of him. JOY. To hear Jake remind Cole that no matter where he is, if he's scared or feeling anxious or just really really happy, that he can talk to God too, and Gods there. JOY. To go on a five minute rant saying "I am the mother in this family. It doesn't matter if I get sick. Its a non-optional. I'm fine" and to hear Jake say "you matter". JOY. To have the pleasure and honor of taking care of Jake tonight. To call myself his "wife". JOY. We've opened the floodgates.
Today was the day that didn't go as planned. We've had several like this one and they have gotten no less gut wrenching over the years. Did we have a plan this morning other than get the kids to school and get to work? No. But we did kind of have an un-plan. Things like "today we will not contract the flu and bring it home to our poor unsuspecting family members" or "today I will not get into a car accident" or most importantly "today, I will not need for any reason to go to the hospital". Its the unwritten daily code. The things that you never ever plan to do. But I found joy today, in a perfect execution of the un-plan that I could have never found in the plan. And that's God. He's there. In every single day.....the good ones and the really bad ones. And we can find joy there, too.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Plans
Our plans. That's humorous.
We've been waiting for what seems like forever, but in reality has been about 5 months or less, to find out a date for Jake to start working in Atlanta. We knew it was a process. We also knew that it could be a very long process. But that didn't stop the planner in both of us. We assumed we would be there, living in Atlanta, happily ever after, by the end of this year. Meaning, moved in, kids enrolled in school, bun in the over, you know, the whole life picture. And through the whole waiting game, while the planner in me was picking out paint for a new house, the Christian in me knew that I should just stop planning. Today Jake talked to his HR representative with the FAA and it looks like we'll be enjoying the Lowcountry for at least 9 more months. 9 more months.
Atlanta, to me, meant becoming a stay at home wife and mother. It meant another baby. It meant the opportunity to just be me and Jake, for the first time EVER in our relationship. It meant a fresh start. I can't lie that my heart sank a little bit today when Jake called. I could hear it in his voice too. Disappointment. Not anger or sadness. But bummed. For sure, bummed. Because we know what it means. As soon as I hung the phone up my favorite verse (Jeremiah 29:11) popped back in my head......and as a result, new perspective (and an onslaught of reciprocating thoughts).
I always got that first part...."For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord". I get that. He knows the plan. But in thinking about it. In thinking about our life, as a family, in the last 2 years and realizing that none of these plans were ours, but all of them have led to amazing changes and memories, I realize that I completely missed the point of the verse. It doesn't say that God just knows the plans. It tells us that He, the way, the truth and the light, made them. It doesn't say that He's aware of the plans that we've made for ourselves. It says that He, who knows the stars by name, created the plan, and gives us the choice to follow the plan.....and if we do, those plans, HIS plans will never harm us and ALWAYS prosper us.
I told myself last week when I realized that one of my longtime prayers was being answered that I was going to start writing my prayers down so I could remember when something happened I could say "you asked for this". And today I told Jake that my prayers in the last several months have all been similar in that I prayed that God would keep us in prayer, and in His will. That He would open the doors that needed to be opened, and close the ones that needed to be closed. And its happening. His plans will never harm us.
So I know there's a reason. I know theres a reason that we're being kept here. The possibilities are endless for what could change in the next 9 months, 9 weeks, 9 minutes. In a conversation with Jake last week I was trying to sway his opinion on an issue (shocker!) and I said to him, "I just don't feel like it's a luxury that we have to tell God, 'not right now'." But it is. That's the choice. God presents us with the plan and we DO have the choice. We can choose to say yes and we can choose to say no, in turn choosing whether or not to stay within His will. On the contrary, we don't have the luxury of telling God "Now!". Someone give Jake a high five for me being wrong ;) He has a perfect plan. One event leading to and coinciding with the next, and the next and the next. My timing and my planning are pointless. And for the very first time in my life, I'm learning to be okay with that. To just walk with Him and see what He's doing in our lives.
The last 2 years have been a complete breaking down to build back up, a renovation in our house. God has taken us apart piece by piece and is slowly putting us back together. Maybe this is just another block in the build. He's teaching us to walk blindly. The ultimate confession of faith. To just say, "well, God, my plans are completely obsolete at this point so here you go. Take me, use me as you see fit. Your plans."
I'm just as excited to watch God work in our lives in the next several months as I am to start fresh in maybe a year? Maybe two? I just know that I don't have to know anymore. I don't have to look at the long term and make an excel chart. I know that we have dreams......dreams of a log cabin on a lake in Wisconsin, dreams of debt free living, dreams of wide open spaces and salt water, dreams of Italy in summertime. And there's nothing wrong with being a dreamer. Maybe someday, some of those dreams will come true, but if they don't, we have the amazing comfort of knowing that it wasn't my poor planning that ran those dreams ashore, but that the ultimate, perfect plan of my perfect Father, found something way more amazing than lakefront property for us.
He knows the plans that He created for me and our family. He created plans for me that will never harm me, and always prosper me. He created a plan just for me that's full of hope and a future!
So Atlanta isn't going anywhere. And neither are we for right now. And that's okay!
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Confessions
These last three weeks have been nothing short of ridiculous in the Kubnick house. Between the four of us we all have had something going on, at all times, requiring immediate attention and not enough time. Ahhhhh yes, the American Dream. We were going pretty strong after the hooplah of the holidays. We made it through New Years and got readjusted to the school routine. And then the first week of February hit me in the face like the smell of the flamingo pool at the zoo on a balmy August day. First Coles birthday party, then his actual birthday (which we celebrate in a big way as well, you're only 6 once!), then Zellas birthday just 3 days later, then Valentines day just 3 days after that and then just 3 days after that we took a trip to Va. Beach to see our great friends the Allens. As a working mama, all of my errands are run on the weekends. With our weekends being occupied by the birthday bonanzas and road trips, errands were done after the kids went to bed on nights when Jake wasn't working. While I was running errands, baking cupcakes, sculpting icing for a Minnie Mouse cake, or packing suitcases, Jake was working on his final paper - a mere 25 pages - for his Bachelors degree. Jake is still pounding the keys and working away on his paper, while I thought I had managed to get back to normal. Until this week came along. And now it's all catching up to me. So I write! Here are a few confessions, the not so serious and the much more serious, of one very overwhelmed me.
1. Jakes on nights last night and tonight. Last night for dinner, I ate a hand full of Queso cheese Ruffles and a bowl of Honey Nut Chex cereal (not together). Then today I complained about gaining weight. It's okay, I'm laughing too ;) Tonight for dinner, I had a hand full of jelly beans and a bowl of Honey Nut Chex cereal. Tomorrow, I will complain that my jeans are creating a "uni-butt" because they are both figuratively and literally about to "bust at the seams". Still laughing.
2. Today is Wednesday. So far, every single day this week, I have embarked on a minimum of three individual rants, per day, about cheap people, Sun City residents, people that are the blackout curtains of an already dimly lit world, the education system in Jasper County, the education system in Beaufort County, and how there are a few people I know that need to have the word "sucka" tattooed on their foreheads. There are more, but these were the longest ;)
3. Today for lunch, I had 4 hersheys kisses and 4 mini kosher dill pickles. I am fully aware of my terrible nutrition. Somewhere in between sinus infection #3 and #12 in the last 6 months my taste buds kind of died. I just don't like food that much right now. I'm eating because I have to. And so if I'm eating because I have to, not because I want to, it better at least be whatever my body wants at the moment. For the follow-up thought on this.....keep reading.
4. With the chocolately coating of a hershey kiss still smothering my teeth, I prayed today that God would make me skinny overnight. That I definitely wanted to shed 20 but if He's feeling generous, 30 would be awesome. No lie. Legit prayer. Yes, I am TIRED. Again, laughing.
5. This morning I pulled my car out of the garage, down the driveway, and into the street. As I started to drive down the street a pair of tiny red, kiddy gloves flew off the hood of my car. I stopped and went and picked them up. I have NEVER seen these gloves in my life. Thought about it all day long, actually thought that there might be a child living in my garage that I've been too oblivous to notice. FYI - no child living in my garage. Also FYI - Apparently the neighbor kids enter and exit the inside of my garage freely as they please. So that's nice.
6. Jake and I are going on 10 years together. I know him. He knows me. We're getting better with age. And this week, in my exhaustion, I reconciled with the monster of selfishness. And even though I know that the number one thing NOT to do with Jake is push, I pushed. I had been praying and praying and forgot, for just one text message and one phone call that my timing isn't Gods timing, and I grew impatient and I pushed. And the outcome was a conversation that I never wanted to have. I couldn't help but think back to one of the first sermons that I heard Pastor Jaime deliver. I remember him giving us the times when the devil will attack us the hardest. I remember when we're sick and when we're tired. Point proven.
7. Someone stole my baby. They snuck in Zellas room and they swapped my happy, perma smile baby with a grumpy little monster. I want a trade back! There is no way to put this lightly. The last two weeks of life with Zella Claire have been spent counting the time until the next nap or bedtime. It's sad. It hurts my heart to want her to be sleeping so she's not screaming or throwing or spitting or hitting. Zella Claire, meet the terrible 2's. Terrible 2's, Zella is OWNING you right now.
8. Seems like everyone I know is pregnant. Okay, not really. But truly there are so many girlfriends that are going to be welcoming new bundles of joy into the world very soon. And yes, there's a big part of me that's jealous. And then Zella kicks me and reminds me of my current hand full. But so this week has been heartbreaking, because I don't know if I can do it. Every time Jake and I talk about another baby we follow it up with several days to a week of feeling like the earth was rocked on its axis because everything is so off balance. There's the mom in me that knows that every stage is just that, its a stage, and the reward is so much greater than the work put in. But then there's also the Mom that knows that this is hard work. Do I truly have it in me to love this many unconditionally? At the end of the thought process, the answer is always yes.....always yes to 10 more babies if God says yes. To however many need a mom. That's how many yes' I have.
9. If you're a personal trainer, stop reading right now. I'm exhausted. I can't keep up anymore. I just got done folding ANOTHER load of laundry (that tone you hear is disgust), cleaned up the kitchen, packed bookbags, and of course had a gourmet cereal dinner, and I'm done. My house is a constant ball of Chocolate Lab hair and crappy construction dust. I don't want to care. I want to feel okay about sitting down and blogging instead of cleaning baseboards at 9:30. But I can't. I know that my husband loves a clean house. So every choice is a dilemma. Rest a little because I'm spent or get clean things up so he's happy when he gets home? Go the gym and show him that I'm making an effort, or sit down and watch tv and let him think that I have completely given up and don't care? There is such a thing as "too tired".
10. I know way too much about bugs. Way too much. Since having kids I've struggled with this whole socially awkward thing. Mainly around women, cause they're snotty ;) But so I talk too much, and with my hands, and my cheeks get flushed, etc. when I get nervous. Nervous is an understatement. But so I went to a Scentsy party on Saturday and before leaving I asked the hostess if she had gotten our message about pest control. 5 minutes later and I was explaining the life cycles of certain roaches and how they feed off of one anothers feces. Awesome right? I clearly have mush brain. What's worse, I get into it. We had one customer a few years ago where we had to send the specimen to an entomologist to identify, etc. Once we found out what it was I came home and excitedly told Jake about how we had researched it and had it examined and it was really fascinating. I still don't know if the look on his face was confusion or shame. Very thankful that I can say that it's the family business........otherwise, I would just be weird ;)
11. I need my Pinterest wardrobe. Also, I need the bodies of the people wearing the Pinterest wardrobe. Just throwing that out there. Hook a sister up, God!!!! LOL
12. I'm dog tired. That's the bottom line. I'm knee deep with appointments and schedules, sinus infections, allergies, diaper rash and eczema, paper writing and baseboards that need cleaning, potty training and potty accidents, ADHD and flash cards, the gym and eat this not that. And in being overwhelmed, I'm excited. I'm excited to know that us leaving for Atlanta will be the beginning of a situation that's completely foreign to me or Jake. I'm excited to only have each other. I'm excited to rely on faith to get us through. I'm excited to start over, as a family. I'm excited for change. Change is GOOD!
So here's to this season. Here's to this season that we will never ever return too, and that makes me sad. And when it's gone, I'll miss it. Here's to getting some rest. Not just sleep, but rest. Here's to all the women having sweet babies. Here's to the Potter family for being an inspiring young family with their first foster child tucked away safely in her bed tonight (tears of joy). Here's to the Ruppels, the Chouinards, the Lovelaces and the Ellis' for bringing your babies home to love them in spite of the chaos, for understanding that love changes everything. Going to kiss my sleeping babies good night, then head to bed. Tomorrow, we do it all again - and I am so thankful for that.
1. Jakes on nights last night and tonight. Last night for dinner, I ate a hand full of Queso cheese Ruffles and a bowl of Honey Nut Chex cereal (not together). Then today I complained about gaining weight. It's okay, I'm laughing too ;) Tonight for dinner, I had a hand full of jelly beans and a bowl of Honey Nut Chex cereal. Tomorrow, I will complain that my jeans are creating a "uni-butt" because they are both figuratively and literally about to "bust at the seams". Still laughing.
2. Today is Wednesday. So far, every single day this week, I have embarked on a minimum of three individual rants, per day, about cheap people, Sun City residents, people that are the blackout curtains of an already dimly lit world, the education system in Jasper County, the education system in Beaufort County, and how there are a few people I know that need to have the word "sucka" tattooed on their foreheads. There are more, but these were the longest ;)
3. Today for lunch, I had 4 hersheys kisses and 4 mini kosher dill pickles. I am fully aware of my terrible nutrition. Somewhere in between sinus infection #3 and #12 in the last 6 months my taste buds kind of died. I just don't like food that much right now. I'm eating because I have to. And so if I'm eating because I have to, not because I want to, it better at least be whatever my body wants at the moment. For the follow-up thought on this.....keep reading.
4. With the chocolately coating of a hershey kiss still smothering my teeth, I prayed today that God would make me skinny overnight. That I definitely wanted to shed 20 but if He's feeling generous, 30 would be awesome. No lie. Legit prayer. Yes, I am TIRED. Again, laughing.
5. This morning I pulled my car out of the garage, down the driveway, and into the street. As I started to drive down the street a pair of tiny red, kiddy gloves flew off the hood of my car. I stopped and went and picked them up. I have NEVER seen these gloves in my life. Thought about it all day long, actually thought that there might be a child living in my garage that I've been too oblivous to notice. FYI - no child living in my garage. Also FYI - Apparently the neighbor kids enter and exit the inside of my garage freely as they please. So that's nice.
6. Jake and I are going on 10 years together. I know him. He knows me. We're getting better with age. And this week, in my exhaustion, I reconciled with the monster of selfishness. And even though I know that the number one thing NOT to do with Jake is push, I pushed. I had been praying and praying and forgot, for just one text message and one phone call that my timing isn't Gods timing, and I grew impatient and I pushed. And the outcome was a conversation that I never wanted to have. I couldn't help but think back to one of the first sermons that I heard Pastor Jaime deliver. I remember him giving us the times when the devil will attack us the hardest. I remember when we're sick and when we're tired. Point proven.
7. Someone stole my baby. They snuck in Zellas room and they swapped my happy, perma smile baby with a grumpy little monster. I want a trade back! There is no way to put this lightly. The last two weeks of life with Zella Claire have been spent counting the time until the next nap or bedtime. It's sad. It hurts my heart to want her to be sleeping so she's not screaming or throwing or spitting or hitting. Zella Claire, meet the terrible 2's. Terrible 2's, Zella is OWNING you right now.
8. Seems like everyone I know is pregnant. Okay, not really. But truly there are so many girlfriends that are going to be welcoming new bundles of joy into the world very soon. And yes, there's a big part of me that's jealous. And then Zella kicks me and reminds me of my current hand full. But so this week has been heartbreaking, because I don't know if I can do it. Every time Jake and I talk about another baby we follow it up with several days to a week of feeling like the earth was rocked on its axis because everything is so off balance. There's the mom in me that knows that every stage is just that, its a stage, and the reward is so much greater than the work put in. But then there's also the Mom that knows that this is hard work. Do I truly have it in me to love this many unconditionally? At the end of the thought process, the answer is always yes.....always yes to 10 more babies if God says yes. To however many need a mom. That's how many yes' I have.
9. If you're a personal trainer, stop reading right now. I'm exhausted. I can't keep up anymore. I just got done folding ANOTHER load of laundry (that tone you hear is disgust), cleaned up the kitchen, packed bookbags, and of course had a gourmet cereal dinner, and I'm done. My house is a constant ball of Chocolate Lab hair and crappy construction dust. I don't want to care. I want to feel okay about sitting down and blogging instead of cleaning baseboards at 9:30. But I can't. I know that my husband loves a clean house. So every choice is a dilemma. Rest a little because I'm spent or get clean things up so he's happy when he gets home? Go the gym and show him that I'm making an effort, or sit down and watch tv and let him think that I have completely given up and don't care? There is such a thing as "too tired".
10. I know way too much about bugs. Way too much. Since having kids I've struggled with this whole socially awkward thing. Mainly around women, cause they're snotty ;) But so I talk too much, and with my hands, and my cheeks get flushed, etc. when I get nervous. Nervous is an understatement. But so I went to a Scentsy party on Saturday and before leaving I asked the hostess if she had gotten our message about pest control. 5 minutes later and I was explaining the life cycles of certain roaches and how they feed off of one anothers feces. Awesome right? I clearly have mush brain. What's worse, I get into it. We had one customer a few years ago where we had to send the specimen to an entomologist to identify, etc. Once we found out what it was I came home and excitedly told Jake about how we had researched it and had it examined and it was really fascinating. I still don't know if the look on his face was confusion or shame. Very thankful that I can say that it's the family business........otherwise, I would just be weird ;)
11. I need my Pinterest wardrobe. Also, I need the bodies of the people wearing the Pinterest wardrobe. Just throwing that out there. Hook a sister up, God!!!! LOL
12. I'm dog tired. That's the bottom line. I'm knee deep with appointments and schedules, sinus infections, allergies, diaper rash and eczema, paper writing and baseboards that need cleaning, potty training and potty accidents, ADHD and flash cards, the gym and eat this not that. And in being overwhelmed, I'm excited. I'm excited to know that us leaving for Atlanta will be the beginning of a situation that's completely foreign to me or Jake. I'm excited to only have each other. I'm excited to rely on faith to get us through. I'm excited to start over, as a family. I'm excited for change. Change is GOOD!
So here's to this season. Here's to this season that we will never ever return too, and that makes me sad. And when it's gone, I'll miss it. Here's to getting some rest. Not just sleep, but rest. Here's to all the women having sweet babies. Here's to the Potter family for being an inspiring young family with their first foster child tucked away safely in her bed tonight (tears of joy). Here's to the Ruppels, the Chouinards, the Lovelaces and the Ellis' for bringing your babies home to love them in spite of the chaos, for understanding that love changes everything. Going to kiss my sleeping babies good night, then head to bed. Tomorrow, we do it all again - and I am so thankful for that.
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