Confessions

These last three weeks have been nothing short of ridiculous in the Kubnick house. Between the four of us we all have had something going on, at all times, requiring immediate attention and not enough time. Ahhhhh yes, the American Dream.  We were going pretty strong after the hooplah of the holidays. We made it through New Years and got readjusted to the school routine. And then the first week of February hit me in the face like the smell of the flamingo pool at the zoo on a balmy August day.  First Coles birthday party, then his actual birthday (which we celebrate in a big way as well, you're only 6 once!), then Zellas birthday just 3 days later, then Valentines day just 3 days after that and then just 3 days after that we took a trip to Va. Beach to see our great friends the Allens.  As a working mama, all of my errands are run on the weekends. With our weekends being occupied by the birthday bonanzas and road trips, errands were done after the kids went to bed on nights when Jake wasn't working. While I was running errands, baking cupcakes, sculpting icing for a Minnie Mouse cake, or packing suitcases, Jake was working on his final paper - a mere 25 pages - for his Bachelors degree.  Jake is still pounding the keys and working away on his paper, while I thought I had managed to get back to normal.  Until this week came along.  And now it's all catching up to me. So I write!  Here are a few confessions, the not so serious and the much more serious, of one very overwhelmed me.

1.  Jakes on nights last night and tonight. Last night for dinner, I ate a hand full of Queso cheese Ruffles and a bowl of Honey Nut Chex cereal (not together).  Then today I complained about gaining weight. It's okay, I'm laughing too ;)  Tonight for dinner, I had a hand full of jelly beans and a bowl of Honey Nut Chex cereal. Tomorrow, I will complain that my jeans are creating a "uni-butt" because they are both figuratively and literally about to "bust at the seams".  Still laughing.

2.  Today is Wednesday. So far, every single day this week, I have embarked on a minimum of three individual rants, per day, about cheap people, Sun City residents, people that are the blackout curtains of an already dimly lit world, the education system in Jasper County, the education system in Beaufort County, and how there are a few people I know that need to have the word "sucka" tattooed on their foreheads.  There are more, but these were the longest ;)

3.  Today for lunch, I had 4 hersheys kisses and 4 mini kosher dill pickles.  I am fully aware of my terrible nutrition. Somewhere in between sinus infection #3 and #12 in the last 6 months my taste buds kind of died.  I just don't like food that much right now. I'm eating because I have to. And so if I'm eating because I have to, not because I want to, it better at least be whatever my body wants at the moment.  For the follow-up thought on this.....keep reading.

4.  With the chocolately coating of a hershey kiss still smothering my teeth, I prayed today that God would make me skinny overnight. That I definitely wanted to shed 20 but if He's feeling generous, 30 would be awesome. No lie. Legit prayer.  Yes, I am TIRED.  Again, laughing. 

5.  This morning I pulled my car out of the garage, down the driveway, and into the street. As I started to drive down the street a pair of tiny red, kiddy gloves flew off the hood of my car. I stopped and went and picked them up. I have NEVER seen these gloves in my life. Thought about it all day long, actually thought that there might be a child living in my garage that I've been too oblivous to notice.  FYI - no child living in my garage. Also FYI - Apparently the neighbor kids enter and exit the inside of my garage freely as they please.  So that's nice. 

6.  Jake and I are going on 10 years together. I know him. He knows me. We're getting better with age. And this week, in my exhaustion, I reconciled with the monster of selfishness.  And even though I know that the number one thing NOT to do with Jake is push, I pushed. I had been praying and praying and forgot, for just one text message and one phone call that my timing isn't Gods timing, and I grew impatient and I pushed. And the outcome was a conversation that I never wanted to have.  I couldn't help but think back to one of the first sermons that I heard Pastor Jaime deliver. I remember him giving us the times when the devil will attack us the hardest. I remember when we're sick and when we're tired.  Point proven.

7.  Someone stole my baby. They snuck in Zellas room and they swapped my happy, perma smile baby with a grumpy little monster.  I want a trade back!  There is no way to put this lightly.  The last two weeks of life with Zella Claire have been spent counting the time until the next nap or bedtime. It's sad. It hurts my heart to want her to be sleeping so she's not screaming or throwing or spitting or hitting.  Zella Claire, meet the terrible 2's.  Terrible 2's, Zella is OWNING you right now. 

8.  Seems like everyone I know is pregnant. Okay, not really. But truly there are so many girlfriends that are going to be welcoming new bundles of joy into the world very soon. And yes, there's a big part of me that's jealous. And then Zella kicks me and reminds me of my current hand full. But so this week has been heartbreaking, because I don't know if I can do it.  Every time Jake and I talk about another baby we follow it up with several days to a week of feeling like the earth was rocked on its axis because everything is so off balance. There's the mom in me that knows that every stage is just that, its a stage, and the reward is so much greater than the work put in. But then there's also the Mom that knows that this is hard work. Do I truly have it in me to love this many unconditionally?  At the end of the thought process, the answer is always yes.....always yes to 10 more babies if God says yes.  To however many need a mom.  That's how many yes' I have.

9.  If you're a personal trainer, stop reading right now.  I'm exhausted. I can't keep up anymore. I just got done folding ANOTHER load of laundry (that tone you hear is disgust), cleaned up the kitchen, packed bookbags, and of course had a gourmet cereal dinner, and I'm done. My house is a constant ball of Chocolate Lab hair and crappy construction dust.  I don't want to care. I want to feel okay about sitting down and blogging instead of cleaning baseboards at 9:30. But I can't. I know that my husband loves a clean house. So every choice is a dilemma. Rest a little because I'm spent or get clean things up so he's happy when he gets home? Go the gym and show him that I'm making an effort, or sit down and watch tv and let him think that I have completely given up and don't care?  There is such a thing as "too tired". 

10.  I know way too much about bugs. Way too much. Since having kids I've struggled with this whole socially awkward thing. Mainly around women, cause they're snotty ;)  But so I talk too much, and with my hands, and my cheeks get flushed, etc. when I get nervous. Nervous is an understatement. But so I went to a Scentsy party on Saturday and before leaving I asked the hostess if she had gotten our message about pest control. 5 minutes later and I was explaining the life cycles of certain roaches and how they feed off of one anothers feces.  Awesome right?  I clearly have mush brain.  What's worse, I get into it.  We had one customer a few years ago where we had to send the specimen to an entomologist to identify, etc. Once we found out what it was I came home and excitedly told Jake about how we had researched it and had it examined and it was really fascinating.  I still don't know if the look on his face was confusion or shame.  Very thankful that I can say that it's the family business........otherwise, I would just be weird ;)

11.  I need my Pinterest wardrobe.  Also, I need the bodies of the people wearing the Pinterest wardrobe. Just throwing that out there. Hook a sister up, God!!!!  LOL

12.  I'm dog tired. That's the bottom line. I'm knee deep with appointments and schedules, sinus infections, allergies, diaper rash and eczema, paper writing and baseboards that need cleaning, potty training and potty accidents, ADHD and flash cards, the gym and eat this not that. And in being overwhelmed, I'm excited. I'm excited to know that us leaving for Atlanta will be the beginning of a situation that's completely foreign to me or Jake. I'm excited to only have each other. I'm excited to rely on faith to get us through.  I'm excited to start over, as a family. I'm excited for change.  Change is GOOD!

So here's to this season. Here's to this season that we will never ever return too, and that makes me sad. And when it's gone, I'll miss it. Here's to getting some rest. Not just sleep, but rest. Here's to all the women having sweet babies. Here's to the Potter family for being an inspiring young family with their first foster child tucked away safely in her bed tonight (tears of joy).  Here's to the Ruppels, the Chouinards, the Lovelaces and the Ellis' for bringing your babies home to love them in spite of the chaos, for understanding that love changes everything.  Going to kiss my sleeping babies good night, then head to bed. Tomorrow, we do it all again -  and I am so thankful for that.