ADD

My handsome husband is at work, the laundry is put away with the last load in the dryer, the babies are sleeping and the bathroom is cleaned (someone is going to need to resuscitate Jake right now because this one might have sent him into shock) and I've been thinking about this for about a week now.....time to blog it.

In August when Cole started Kindergarten we had these ideas of rapid learning and high fives over homework, smiley face stickers on top of coloring pages and tales of who played tag at recess. The reality was much much harsher than the fantasy.  The notes came home with comments like "very disrespectful during music class. Kicked my keyboard" or "Cole had to be removed from carpet time today because he was laying on his side rolling back and forth trying to knock the other children over. When asked what he was doing he replied "bowling"."  By the third week of school, Jake and I were laying hands on him every morning and praying that he would find a way to control his body and teach his brain to focus.  It was bad.  We knew going in to Kindergarten that Cole was hyperactive. We also knew that for his age, he was advanced so he might be bored and also well, he was a 5 year old boy. That alone could explain so many things.  But it became clear to us, very very quickly, that we had to do something different, something other than what we were currently attempting, but failing, to do.  Off to the doctor and yes, the official diagnosis. ADHD. No big surprise. But so the big deal was do we medicate? Do we not medicate? It took about 2 seconds for Jake and I to agree No.  So we started talking about our other options.  Our Dr. has been wonderful in providing us education about ADHD, support, literature, forums, etc. and he has really stressed, like everytime we see him stressed...."behavior modification".  Basically we find ways to reach Cole, learning alternatives, anything to create a routine for him that works for everyone. 

So we try. And sometimes its great and sometimes its really tough. These last two weeks fall under really tough.  I'm the ADHD matriarch in this house.  I'm the reminder of "he can't help it" when Cole is break dancing naked with one leg in his underwear when he's supposed to be getting dressed for bed.  So when I'm off......Cole's off.  Jake breaking his ankle threw us for a loop.  It was like I was a single mom to three, one of which was adult sized and in a lot of pain.  And I made it work....but my mental state took a rapid plummet by day 5. And there was no effort to help Cole....which meant Cole at full blast, Zella in total terrible 2's mode and Mommy with not a lot of patience.  Last Monday morning I put the kids in the car, shut the door, walked to the end of the driveway, screamed at the top of my lungs, and got in the car and headed to school.  After I dropped the kids off I proceeded to have a minor (okay thats a lie, it was ridiculously overdramatic) meltdown.  At the end of one of the sobbing sessions it hit me in the face.......I have ADD.

Not the same kind Cole has, but kind of yeah. Mine is spiritual ADHD.  Where I can't seem to listen to God, I can't remember to just "be still" and so quickly, on a daily basis, I forget the instructions and go my own way, distracted by the little things like clean bathrooms and end of driveway meltdowns.  And I think about how I feel when Cole doesn't seem to care. When he puts in no effort at all to change the things that I'm asking him to do, even though he says "yes mommy" when I ask.....I think about how as God's child. I am the exact same way with Him, and how much deeper He must hurt than I do....which means it's completely heartbreaking for Him.  And then I think about the behavior modification.....how when I get down on my knees and I hold Coles face in my hands to talk to him, so that we're eye to eye and hes watching me as he's hearing me, how he really HEARS me and he follows through.  I think about how its the same when God holds me by the cheeks and speaks to me, forcing me to listen because He's been saying it for so long and I've been ignoring Him, I think about how easy it is to follow the instructions, when I focus on Him, while He's talking to me.  I can't help but think about our morning routine and how Cole can literally take an entire morning just to put his shoes on and it makes me so angry, but the solution is so simple, set a timer and he can do it in 2 minutes, on, tied and ready to roll. And so I can't help but wonder how God feels in the mornings when it takes me so long to acknowledge Him.....when the simple fix is to set my alarm, so that I specifically have time for Him.  I think about how when we give Cole too many instructions at one time, he gets easily distracted and forgets the tasks at hand. The solution is to create a chart with his tasks on it, write it down so he can refer back to the list when he forgets his jobs.  Kind of how I forget the instructions so easily, so my Father, God, wrote it all down for me, so that I can go back and reference that anytime I forget or get lost.  I could go on all night. The parallels are astounding.  How quickly I forget how deep the depth really was, or lonely lost can be, or how many times He's pulled me from that place, or how many times He's calmed the storm in me, or blessed me beyond my dreams, or worked literal miracles in my life, or answered prayers or died for me or conquered death. How quickly I forget, when I'm standing at the end of my driveway, screaming at the top of my lungs because I'm stretched so thin for these three people that I love more than anything in this world.....how quickly I forget how He must have felt, stretched thin for me, and for Jake, Cole and Zella, and for all of Gods children, up there on that cross.  And He did it for me. For me. Even though I forget. And He knew I would. He did it anyways. He has the patience with me that only the parent of an ADHD child can have.....patience beyond understanding. Love above all else. He loves me anyways. 

This morning at breakfast, in the total quiet of our kitchen, Cole said to me, "God is king of everything".  And he took another bite of cereal. Its those moments.  Those are the ones that remind me that God's love has changed me and Jake enough that even through the daily struggle of his ADHD, we are loving him and raising him to love God and the rest will just happen. We'll struggle. We'll forget. But He'll pull us out, grab us by the cheeks, force us to look Him in the eye and listen.  Because that's what love does.  Oh, how He loves us!

Behavior modification. Nothing will ever change, if you don't ever change anything.