The Wrecking Ball

We've been home now for 8 days. Back in the land of excess and women that wear tennis shoes. The FIRST thing that happened when we landed in Detroit? An Einstein Brothers Hazelnut Latte. That's what happened. And then my stomach said "hey! You haven't had dairy in two weeks!" and yeah, that happened as well.  Both of our cell phones exploded. We were thrilled to be able to answer and chit chat and know that after just one more flight, our arms would be wrapped around Cole and Zella. And then the flight in Detroit got delayed (you can laugh. Its ok). We walked through the door of our house at 7pm. I don't think any of us stopped smiling that whole night. It felt AHHHHH-MAZING to shower and shave my legs and actually feel ok about touching the walls of the shower and to sleep in my very own bed that was not suspect of anyone elses' germs. And while I was basking and wallowing and rolling around in all of my home sweet American home glory, I was missing something......

On our flight from Detroit to Savannah we were talking to a couple that had considered adoption as a solution to their infertility. They asked SO many questions and I could tell by their reactions that even though they had JUST found out that they were pregnant with twins, parts of their hearts were still in adoption. I was explaining to the husband some of the experiences we had with children at our little man's orphanage. The husband was on the verge of tears as I confidently sat there, stoic. He just kept saying "that must be the most heartbreaking thing ever". And it occurred to me that I had not, at all, even come close to beginning to process what Jake and I had just walked through.  The morning after we arrived home, we walked into church, and my mind began to process. It began to work its' way around the sights and the smells and the emotions and the tragedy and the HUGEness of our two week whirlwind.......and that was my wrecking ball. And it hasn't stopped swinging for 8 days.

I thought that when God called us to adoption, He was wrecking us. When God whispered "Ukraine" in Jakes ear and we learned that there was no pre-selection I thought surely that was God's final wrecking. When He told us to leave Cole and Zella behind, oh and you might be gone for 6 weeks but its all kind of up in the air, I thought, "oh ok, God. THAT's the wrecking ball." I was wrong. On all accounts. THIS, the part where He has convicted us and laid the control in our court, THIS is Him wrecking us.

Jake and I advocate for adoption. When people ask us about adoption and we give them our pretty little packaged up answer in our sweetest little Southern voices "The Lord really touched us for orphans....." they just smile and nod and "oh good for you! The world needs more people like you!" and Jake and I walk away feeling ashamed as if we've taken credit for something that we deserve NO credit for. We feel like we failed. "I don't want you to think I'm a good person! I want you to look at their faces! I want you to imagine poverty so tragic that you're forced to leave your little girl in her smocked seer sucker dress and her pink bow the size of Texas at a state run orphanage and pray and beg God to send someone to adopt her so that at least she can live even if its without you! I want you to look at your own life and realize that you are NO different than the faces of these 20 pound 10 year old, dirty, African children.......except for this one thing. When you were starving. When you were thirsty and begging for a drink at the well, your Father didn't turn away as if you didn't exist. He DIED. He bled. He rose from the dead. For you. But you pretend like these children........just as naked and ashamed as you are under your clothes, you scoff and say 'its someone elses problem. Someone else will feed them. Someone else will give them the same life that I have and don't deserve.' I don't need your high five. I need you to care".......that's what I want to say when they tell me they admire what we're doing.  And every time we DON'T say this, which is every single time, God drives the hurt a little deeper. It's easy to cover it up here. It's easy to be here in the land of plenty and push all of that deep, deep down.......it's that same place, deep deep down, that's where God is. I never could figure out why I couldn't hear Him better. I would pray and pray and pray and "God why can't I HEAR you?! I seek Your face and Your presence and feel so out of touch!" and all the while, He was there.

I'm just going to put this out there.....I'm an inner circle kind of girl. I like my "people" and I LOVE my home. Inside these walls it is safe and cozy and with the push of a little button I can control the climate in 3 different zones in our house. We are overwhelmed with luxury and I can't even lie, I like it. I enjoy this life. Ukraine was not the place for me. I'm more of Caribbean traveler. You know, white sandy beaches, crystal blue water, a random man repairing a thatched roof hut while another serves you fruity stuff in a coconut. That's me. Ukraine was not that. I was uncomfortable there. It was beautiful. It's a totally different landscape than I've ever seen before. And I was uncomfortable. I was out of place. I was tired. I felt dirty because my hair had this grossish film thing happening. My feet had blisters from walking in the wrong shoes. And there's not a whole lot of dedorant use happening there. Have I mentioned that I have a smell issue? I do. Terrible predicament to have. But bottom line......I was uncomfortable. We showed up with NO idea of what was going to happen. We had NO idea what God's plans for us entailed. We had an extreme communication issue with the language barrier. And Wi-Fi was hit or miss (the horror!!!!!!). And in that country, in all of the physical discomfort, my soul rested. For the first time in a really really long time, I wasn't fighting Him.....because He won. I could HEAR GOD CLEARLY. The breeze would blow and it was like I was walking hand in hand with the Holy Spirit. We talked all day. We talked all night. He was there, just like He always is, and I was finally present. FINALLY. Because that was where God wanted us. Completely reliant on Him. Completely dependent on Him for guidance and companionship. Completely in His will. If for only 2 weeks, we were there...........and we miss it. And we know God is calling us to voice those thoughts that we push down. We know God is calling us to step out. We just don't know how......I can start here.

Adoption is hard. It just is. Not everyone is called to adopt. Not everyone is called to give to adoption. But I think we are all called. We are all called to something. We are all called to that place of "uncomfortable". Every single persons "uncomfortable" place will be different. But I guarantee that if you're in Gods will in going to that place, you'll find Him there. And once you find Him, you will hunger for His presence like you never have before. You will race back to that same horrible discomfort, just to find Him again.  And maybe adoption is for you. If you fall into that category, let me say this to you........don't ignore the call. Pray about it. There is NOTHING that God won't equip you for in the process. You might feel unequipped. You might feel like you aren't a "good enough parent". You might play the age card. You might have concerns about how your bio kids will be effected. Just pray about it. Because there are millions of children that are just waiting for someone to say "yes".  When I look at our son and hear his story (I so hope to share this with you one day!) I realize that he was perfectly designed for our family. And I see his friends, literally clawing their way out of classrooms at the orphanage and throwing themselves at our feet and taking us by the hand and trying to run away with us, those children were perfectly designed for someones family. But someone has to say yes. If not you, who? Who will turn toward them instead of away? Who will SHOW them the love of Jesus? If not you, WHO?

Our wrecking ball is still swinging. God is calling us to levels of discomfort we've never known......and if it gets us closer to Him, we're going. All 5 of us. Because if not us, then who?