The Kitchen Sink

That's my brain these last several weeks. Full and dirty and then clean and sparkly and 20 minutes later the kids want to eat again (every day they want to eat!) and back to full and dirty with muck and mess smeared on the inside walls. I get mentally overwhelmed. Physically I'm like a workhorse; fixing toilets, mowing the lawn, painting, sewing, laundry, meals, therapy, and on and on I go. But mentally, my disposal gets clogged and I struggle to grind it all down to what matters. Unfortunately for anyone reading, failure to dispose properly typically means a jumbled up blogger mess. Imma try to keep it together on this one......

In the last several weeks I have totally felt like the worst ever adoption advocate. I told Jake months ago that it was hurting my heart so badly that I felt like all I ever talk about is the hard. And that I never ever ever want to be the reason that someone says "no". And that's a tough pill to swallow. It's tough to look at your perspective and acknowledge it as "stinkin thinkin". But the truth is, I'm just being real. THIS IS HARD. This last week, God knew. He knows my heart. He knows how much it hurts for orphans. He knows how much it hurts for the little boy under my roof that hasn't allowed himself to get rid of that label yet. And God always provides. Here in the midst of my "stinkin thinkin" I had 2 friends randomly say "hey let's talk adoption". In the same day. On a very hard day when I was wondering what in the world I was doing as a parent. And they both appreciate my honesty and had questions and asked for prayer and didn't completely reject me when I gave them the lovely and the ugly on a platter. And another friend that has been close to us and knows the gross details of our "stuff" and who I figured had completely eliminated the adoption option after getting all eaten up in our tangled web told me, that watching us has just let her know that her faith needs to grow before she can do it. She told me a whole lot of super sweet things and built up my confidence and made my ego all big and swollen. And God put His arm around my shoulder and pulled me in closer and said "told you so". And all of this came after my two weeks ago week.........

We've seen a lot of doctors in the last 10 years. Between Jakes fragile bones and Cole's hernias and Zellas tummy issues and Davids lack of medical care for his first 5 years of life we've become very familiar with our little circle of medical professionals. Our pediatrician joked (but my checkbook knew he was only half joking) when Zella was a baby that he was going to just rent me a room in his office and have a plaque made. He got a new truck that year. Just sayin. But so I saw a doctor that has always been very very honest with me. He believes in laying it all out and letting us sort through it. I sat there and listened to these acronyms being rattled off in association with our son and my mama mind started to panic. I missed my calling as a doctor. I understand medicine and diagnoses and will research something to death just to be educated. I knew what these things meant and I knew what they meant for our future and it was scary. And the doc talked to me about a lot of really hard stuff. Things that parents cringe at and things that make me want to puke. But they are still realities. Whether they induce vomit or not, it is what it is. And he said to me before we left, he wanted me to make a list of pros and cons. And there's no point. I could write out the cons for days. And on the Pros side it will say "But God". I texted another adoptive mama when I left that appointment and unloaded on her. Have I ever mentioned how thankful I am that God put other adoptive families in our circle? And as I was processing all of this stuff with her, this.....I KNOW, without a shadow of a doubt that God can heal this child. But I also know that He may choose not to. And that doesn't change that He commissioned me to parent this child in the name of Jesus. It doesn't degrade the size of God's plan for this child. It doesn't diminish the size of God's heart and love for this child. With or without diagnosis, this is a child of God's and He has a plan. A good plan. And not just for David. For Cole and Zella too......

I've spent a large majority of my time as Cole and Zellas mom trying to protect them. From everything under the sun even including the sun. When I hurt, I hurt so deep and I see that in both of them and there was no part of my mama's heart that was interested in letting them walk that out. And then I walked hurt right through our door when we brought David home. Can I just say, if you know an adoptive family, please don't only consider the changes that the adopted child is enduring. From a Mom's perspective, Cole and Zella have sacrificed so much and have witnessed and endured so much hurt in the last 8 months. These last 2 months I have ached for them. They miss their daddy. They've said goodbye to friends. They've longed to be closer to cousins. They've been desperate for their old, very quiet normal. And there are nights when I lay in bed and ask God why He would wreck two, to save one. But God.......He always knows. Last week we all sat down at the dinner table and Cole started to pray. He prayed to bless the meal and thanked God for a great day. And he paused and said "Dear Jesus. Please heal David."  It may seem so small.....but Cole had spent his day mad at David. And in his anger. He prayed for him. God didn't wreck two to save one. He's saving them all. And I can't protect them from everything if I want them to learn to that their Protector is not named "Mom". I have to show them how to live through the hard stuff. Praying when angry.......if he's got that down then I can take my gloves off and rest for a while! Those tiny moments, those are the moments God promises. The rainbows after the rain. I hold onto those.......

And I'm so thankful that I had that moment because I needed it. I had a friend tell me when we first got home to go ahead and just stop caring what other people think. I didn't get it at first. I got judged for the first time as a mother last week. It was painful and there was a girl with bad attitude and weave and her shoe in her hand that was fighting to get out of me but I held my tongue and moved along. All 3 kids were given "jobs" that suited them. If the jobs were completed, we were going to get frozen yogurt. Cole and Zella completed their jobs and David chose not to. We got frozen yogurt anyways and David did not get any. We put our cups on the counter and the cashier pointed to David and said "isn't he going to get some too?" I replied nicely and she huffed. And I ate my yogurt through gritted teeth. Here's why I'm telling this story.......if you ask Zella, she can very distinctly recall Cole's 6th birthday. She remembers it because her behavior was so AWFUL at daycare that day that she did not get to have any birthday cake. She went to daycare for a full year after that. Never had another bad day. In a year. I think that sometimes people forget that love is not all mushy gushy. Love includes discipline. And it includes boundaries and right from wrong. And in the end, each of us has a free will. There are always 2 choices. Our job is to shape our children so that the right choice will always be clear. And you know what's really hard sometimes? That when we don't properly define "love", people assume that they can just "love" the past out of an orphan. When properly defined, you can. Love can reframe and restructure and heal and bind up and redirect whatever hard stuff may have been endured in a past life. But hugs and food alone won't do it. It just won't. Two years ago I was that mom that judged. If we were in Target and a kid was screaming and the mom was just strolling along like it was nothing at all I would have totally thought to myself that someone needed to go break a switch (you have to read this in a really country voice). But not now. Cause I'm that mom. I'm that mom with 3 kids with different needs that require different handling and different consequences and have different love languages AND I'm that mom that knows that I'm the only one that knows what my kids need. Don't be judgemental about other people's parenting. It isn't constructive and you don't live their life.

That last sentence was kind of angry sounding! I'll close with this.......these small people are all gifts from the Lord. They have different packaging and let's just be honest it can seem like God used the really thick foil paper and layered it 27 times on some days but what if as Moms we stop looking at how hard it can be and start thinking "wow. God thinks I'm pretty amazing if He tasked me out with THIS."  He does. He thinks we're awesome. And we are. We are the glue. We are the gears that make the machine turn. Keep grinding. Look for God on the hard days and He will make Himself known.....whether it's in the tiny sounds of your babies crying out to Him, or blue skies after days of rain, or a dent in the lady that works at the fro-yo places bumper......He sees you. He hears you. He loves you. (Someone send me a link to this blog next week when I forget this stuff. Thanks.)

2 years and 7 months.....

It's been 2 years. 2 years ago since we said "yes" to adoption. 2 years ago today Jake told me that he had been praying and felt like God told him that there was a 5 year old little boy waiting for us in Ukraine. 2 years since this journey began. In those 2 years we've fundraised and prayed circles and cried and dealt with frustration and we've played tug-o-war with God over control and "the plan". We've argued with Him and we've stomped our feet and we've shaken our fists at Him in the hard times. We've cried tears of joy over the miracles performed in paperwork and government meetings and really angry orphanage directors that need a change of heart. We've watched God work in a passport office and at oyster roasts and yard sales and we've seen a little boy fight us, just as hard as we have fought God, and cling to us, just as tightly as we cling to God. And 2 years ago today, we voluntarily walked into all of this, because He said "come".

7 months ago today, David and I walked hand in hand, after 24 hours of traveling, into the airport terminal to see "Welcome Home" signs and our families and our church family all there, crying tears of joy for not just one less orphan, but because God did it. He got us home. As a family of 5.

And I'm writing all this out tonight because that's what we're supposed to do right? When we need desperately to see God, we have to look. I've made it no secret that the last 7 months have been hard. In that hard though, God has been there. And so tonight, when I need to see Him, I will look for Him. And find Him.

When we first got home.....

- David had never seen toilet paper. He had no idea how to use it or even why we would use it.
- His fine motor skills were so underdeveloped that he couldn't hold an eating utensil. At 5 years old he was unable to use his pincher grip, hold a crayon tight enough to color, pull clothing on or off by himself, etc.
- His muscles were so underdeveloped that he was unable to stand for long periods of time because his legs would literally give out.
- He was not fully potty trained and if there was an accident, he was content with sitting in it as that was customary at the orphanage.
- He did not know how to be held. We would pick him up and he was straight as and as stiff as a board. He didn't know how to hug back. He would just be lifeless in our arms.
- He had been so sensory deprived that he would gag himself on food, because he had very little feeling inside his mouth. He would pack it so full of food that he couldn't swallow it, because he couldn't feel how much was in there.
- He was unable to drink from a cup. The first time we tried he almost drowned. I'm not at all exaggerating.
- He had never taken a warm shower or bath. Bath time was miserable. Because he was used to it being freezing, he was terrified of it.
- Bedtime was the worst part of everyones day. Hours of screaming and crying and fist throwing.
- He would rock violently and chant all night long. Never sleeping. He would use only a tiny portion of the bed because he was so stiff that he would never move.
- Out of fear and anxiety he would harm himself. Clawing at his face and arms and anything he could touch at night. Because night time at the orphanage is when horrible things happened.

I could go on and on. But I'm seeking God's goodness tonight.......

7 months home.....

- David had never seen toilet paper. He had no idea how to use it or even why we would use it.
  I am officially no longer "wiping" :). While we do have the occasional cleanliness reminder.....he's a 5 year old boy.
- His fine motor skills were so underdeveloped that he couldn't hold an eating utensil. At 5 years old he was unable to use his pincher grip, hold a crayon tight enough to color, pull clothing on or off by himself, etc.
David is writing....and coloring....and learned very quickly that he's right handed and prefers to use a spoon instead of a fork. It took him about a month to master feeding himself. He gets himself dressed and undressed every day and has now learned to put on his belt, button his shirts all alone, zip his zipper and tuck his shirt in!
- His muscles were so underdeveloped that he was unable to stand for long periods of time because his legs would literally give out.
David asked Santa for a bike for Christmas. And Santa delivered. The first time David rode he could not push the pedals because his legs were so weak. He now zooms up and down the sidewalk right alongside Zella.
- He was not fully potty trained and if there was an accident, he was content with sitting in it as that was customary at the orphanage.
David has not had a potty accident since his 1 month home mark!!! Not even in the bed!!!
- He did not know how to be held. We would pick him up and he was straight as and as stiff as a board. He didn't know how to hug back. He would just be lifeless in our arms.
He learned how to hug very very fast. It didn't take him long to understand that we weren't going to drop him when we picked him up......and that it's much more comfortable if he relaxes :)
- He had been so sensory deprived that he would gag himself on food, because he had very little feeling inside his mouth. He would pack it so full of food that he couldn't swallow it, because he couldn't feel how much was in there.
There are still a few textures that David isn't very sure about....but his sensory integration has improved amazingly in 7 months of being exposed to different foods and textures and tastes. He loves food. All food. Even vegetables (that makes 1 Kubnick kid!).
- He was unable to drink from an open cup. The first time we tried he almost drowned. I'm not at all exaggerating. He was also unable to suck out of a straw because the muscles in his mouth were so underdeveloped that he had no sucking ability.
He has mastered the art of the sippy cup and straw. It took no time at all! We finally figured out that he couldn't drink from a cup because he lacked the appropriate reflex. Thanks to the trusty garden tub and the shower, we've worked on him being able to open and close his throat. He was drowning when he was drinking water from a cup because he was trying to breathe it in! I watched him tonight in the shower, face in the water, breathing like a champ :)
- He had never taken a warm shower or bath. Bath time was miserable. Because he was used to it being freezing, he was terrified of it.
Within a week he was loving warm water. He is now able to tell us that he got one bath a week and that it was always cold. No wonder he hated it!
- Bedtime was the worst part of everyones day. Hours of screaming and crying and fist throwing.
- He would rock violently and chant all night long. Never sleeping. He would use only a tiny portion of the bed because he was so stiff that he would never move.
- Out of fear and anxiety he would harm himself. Clawing at his face and arms and anything he could touch at night. Because night time at the orphanage is when horrible things happened.
The rocking has continued, but it's no longer violent. It's a self soothing mechanism. He now rocks quietly. The self harming has greatly reduced and he sprawls out all over the mattress. I'm pretty sure I heard him snoring last week! His bed has become his safe place.
- David started Kindergarten in January. He tested out of the ESOL program because his English is so good. He's able to do basic math and is learning to tell time. His teacher constantly marvels at how quickly he picks up on new skills.

So why am I giving you all of these details? Because adoption and parenting and just well, life, sometimes it is hard. Because when we spend our weeks juggling therapy and school meetings and all 3 kids are battling different demons, its HARD to look at things and say "look at what God has done". That's all I wanted to do tonight. Look at what God has done.