Saturday, December 31, 2011

Blogging in the New Year

I can't believe that it's been since October 3 that I last posted.  I was stoked when I first started this blog, much like any other new endeavour.  And then it lost its glitter once I realized that the only things I felt compelled to write about were sarcastic....which translates as negative. I'm not that. I hated reading back some of my posts and saying "wow, I think that's hilarious in my head but reading back, it sounds awful!". If nothing else, this last year has brought new optimism to my life.  I'm home tonight on New Years Eve while Jake is at work and I figured there is really no other way to ring in the new year, than with a blog post. There's a church down the street from my house and the sign out front a few weeks ago read, "Want to get rich quick? Count your blessings."  PREACH!

The Kubnicks had a pretty awesome, exhausting, up and down, wouldn't trade it for the world kinda year this year.  Here's the rundown.....

Zella Claire
If you've had the pleasure of being in her presence you fully understand what I mean when I say that she's got an unbelievably happy disposition. Having lived her first year of life in misery with her, it's even more evident to me.....guess I'm a little partial.  But this year was huge for our baby girl.  She celebrated her first birthday in February, at Disney world!!!  Despite the enchantment of Disney I couldn't get over her first birthday without a cake, ice cream, anything.  It was too dangerous. And a very small sacrifice to keep our little girl from a horrible reaction.  In March we started reintroducing food to her diet. At the ripe age of 13 months old Zella got one new fruit every 10 days.  You have never seen a child DEVOUR food like she did those first several weeks.  By the end of April she was completely weened off of the specialty Hypoallergenic Formula. She had her last appointment with Dr. Patel in Columbia with a clearance to eat her heart out (with close monitoring from Mom of course). She's still extremely sensitive to Peas and Sweet Potatoes BUT we'll take it!  She learned to walk this year, learned to talk this year, took her first #2 on the big girl potty (and hasn't even attempted since then), she went to the beach and didn't take off her pearls (she's a TRUE Southern Belle), she took her first trip on an airplane and breathed fresh Wisconsin air, she became the "daycare diva" and developed a passion for shoes and jewelry. She is 100% all girl!  In a year of milestones, she has adapted and overcome and literally smiled the entire time. To say that she is a BLESSING is a severe understatement.

Cole Harrison
Cole had a HUGE year!  We started with our trip to Disney....naturally the highlight of any childs life but we were there on his 5th birthday and he got treated like the prince that he truly is. We made it through with only two or three meltdowns so really, it was a great trip, LOL!  He graduated from Preschool (with a cap, gown, and tassle and everything!) and started Kindergarten. The first few weeks were a HUGE struggle for all of us. He was frustrated. Rules? What do you mean I have to sit still for more than 5 consecutive minutes?  It was tough. It's still tough. But he does it. And he does it with those piercing blue eyes (which helps him tremendously when it comes to his teacher).  He learned to read!!! He learned to tie his shoes!!!  He officially wipes his own butt!!!! (If you're a mom, you get how HUGE this last one is).  He played two seasons of soccer and did really really well. Theres nothing more awesome than watching your child succeed and seeing the look on their face when they finally comprehend what's going on.   He has also made the transition from all things toddler sized. Clothes, shoes, etc.  And it makes me super sad. He will be 6 in February. And he's already slipping away from me.  My first born child is growing up.....and yes, it hurts, and it's so awesome to see the fruits of our labor.  This child WILL CHANGE THE WORLD....and he's doing it one person at a time. 

Jake
I think it's hilarious, and adorable, that I will also note that Jake got to go to Disney this year! LOL!  He loves it just as much as the kids do. When he booked the trip he explained to me that everyone gets to be a kid when they're there. He's right.  It was a great trip!  AND the day before we left for Disney.....the Packers won the super bowl!  GO PACK GO! Jake started his training in March for a Natural Bodybuilding Competition. I have never ever ever been more impressed with someone's discipline and drive. In July, just shy of 3 years since having a plate and 4 screws attached to his spine, he stood on stage and competed, taking 2nd in his weight class. I couldn't help but chuckle as I was sitting in the crowd and a lady in front me goes "ooooooooh he is fine!"  Yes, and he's mine!  In addition to that, he was a full time student. His major is Professional Aeronautics. It makes my head hurt to say it.  He took some ridiculous classes....aerodynamics, statistics, physics, all things that make me want to vomit. But Jake, he aced them all.  With ease.  While being a full time Air Traffic Controller, full time husband, full time daddy, volunteer soccer coach AND training for a bodybuilding competition! There were days when I would joke with him and say "don't be such an overachiever!  Come back down here with the mediocre people!" but truly, he's nothing short of amazing. In March, he'll be done. In May, he will walk, head held high, Bachelors Degree in hand, and graduate from college. Just got a prideful tear welling up in my eye.  I'm sure I'm missing some things....this guy has so much going on! 2012 is going to be a huge year for Jake.  I am so Proud!

And then there's me....

Stick with me kids!  How do I know that my life has changed?  Because my list of triumphs for this year, has already been listed. There is nothing more powerful than the power of a praying wife or the power of a praying mother. And I'm her. We take pride in the things that we are passionate about, and that includes people.  It's been a year of ups and downs for me.  It's like whatever my hubby and my kids endure, I do too, and I get the emotions on top of it. From Zella's belly pains and awful reactions and vomiting sessions, to Cole's struggle to control his ADHD and the toll it took on him emotionally, to Jake's literal physical and mental exhaustion.....I did a lot of praying this year. I did a lot of kneeling. I did a lot of crying. I also smiled until my face hurt the first time Cole read a book to me. I cried tears of joy when Zella took those first steps. I melted when she said "I yub you!" the first time.  I laughed hysterically at my husband as it took us  hours to apply his fake tan, while he was in a speedo, the night before his competition. This year has changed me.  I learned this year that this place that I'm at, being a wife and a mom, is where I belong. I also learned that when you ask God to close the right doors and open the right doors, and He does it, you can't be devastated.  I learned that there is nothing too monstrous and nothing too miniscule to pray about it.....it's all relative to God. Because I'm His child, and if it matters to me, it matters to Him.  There was a heart shift in me this year. I don't even know how to explain it.  Little things like when we were in Wisconsin and rented our minivan and I looked in the back and there were WAY too many empty seats. I have always hated minivans! Things like laying in bed at night and planning the addition on our house that will include more bedrooms and a school room. Like laying in bed at night with the face of a little girl in your head that you've never met before, that you've never even seen before......but having literal heartache from wanting to love her.  Things like being fully entertained by watching Zella try on all of her jewelry and twirl for us or laughing hysterically at Cole break dancing. Or things like being at home on New Years Eve.....and being okay with it.

We have been beyond blessed by our church this year. To say that God is moving is a giant underexaggeration. I never, ever in my life, thought I would see my husband cry tears of joy over a child that he's never met, come home to a family. But then he saw Baby Ben.  I have never watched people MOVE like this. There's a need, they just help. Every ministry....Praise Cares, Praise Prays, Praise Adopts, the Christmas and Thanksgiving outreach, Octoberfest.....It's overwhelming the hearts that have joined in this church. People with genuine hearts for people, because of their passion for God.  And it's amazing to watch that passion grow in our own house, with all of us. We were listening to the radio the other day and there was a commercial for Focus on the Family and it said, "we will help you answer questions for your kids like 'Why did Jesus have to die?' " From the back seat Cole proclaims, "Duh!  So all our sins could be washed away and we can be free! I knew that!"  I didn't even care about the smarty pants attitude.....I was too busy trying not to convulse from being so proud. 

I usually have goals for the coming year. And this year, I learned that my goals don't really count unless they are God's goals too. He's teaching me to get all worked up about the things that matter......and not the things that won't change a single thing.  (Side note....I still need LOTS of work in this area!)  So for 2012 my goal and my prayer are one in the same and very simple....I'm praying that we will go where God leads us........and be happy there.

HAPPY  NEW YEAR!

Monday, October 3, 2011

Granny

I couldn't let this go.  Working for the family has been one of the most challenging things that I've ever done.  And Granny is right on top of the list of challenges.  I know that there is a reason that God put me where I am as far as work is concerned. I believe that Granny needs me there. And if that's what keeps her "happy" while she's old than so-be-it.  And while I love her, that woman sure can rub me the wrong way!  A few months ago I just kind of started writing.  In 2004 Granny had a stroke and everything started crumbling. I have done more "remembering" since then than I think I ever did before.  In 2005 I started working for Old South and took on a role in Granny's medical care.  Knowing someone's medical history is very personal. And it started changing a lot of the ideas that I always had about her. There are days when I wish I had just left it alone. Days that I wish that I didn't know the things that I know, days that I wish that I could forget the unpleasant and keep on moving with the childhood fantasy Granny that I know and love. When I started writing it was really just going to be about Granny. She's actually pretty hilarious in her old, set ways.  And as I wrote I realized that as a family, we are way too intertwined to make the book just about her......and then I realized that if I continued writing, while everyone is still alive at least, I will for sure be unemployed and probably not spoken to for a while. So I stopped.  But in honor of Granny and the ever widening generation gap that continues to separate us, I'm posting what I had written.

“Hey Dot!”  That’s what I always called Granny in less than fun moments.  This qualified.  It was Early Summer, 2004.  Granny was in the hospital because she fell and hit her head and as most hospitals do, they opted to run every test possible on her so they could cash in on her medicaid.  I’ll never forget that day.  I was 21 years old and falling very comfortably into my supportive role of the family.  I was there to tell her, don’t worry, her kids had to be elsewhere, but I would be there when she woke up from the anesthesia. The cardiologist assured us that the Heart Catheterization was “no big deal” and a “routine procedure”.  I remember thinking that having a wire threaded through the arteries in your heart didn’t seem very “routine” to me but Granny thought the doctor was cute so she went along with everything he said.   I had already learned to pick my battles at that point.
The cath took a little bit longer than I had anticipated. The waiting room was a lot colder than I imagined it could be in the South during the summer.  Maybe it was the marble, or maybe it was the calm before the storm.  Doc came out into the waiting room and I laughed.  This guy?  I’m pretty sure that he had a pocket protector in his scrubs pocket.  I was fairly certain, after effectively stereotyping him to be a nerd, that he paid attention in med school and Granny was going to be just fine.  He sent me up to her room to wait for her and there she comes, getting wheeled down the hallway and yelling at one of the nurses.  Yep, she’s fine!  They started getting closer to me and I realized that Granny was panicking.  She was telling the nurse that something was wrong with her. Okay, she was shaking her finger and yelling that something was wrong with her, and the nurse was ignoring her like she was a crazy old lady.  I got to the bedside and grabbed Granny’s hand and it happened.  The tears were rolling out of her eyes and her eyes were screaming at me, but she couldn’t tell me why.  She was trying to talk but her mouth wouldn’t move.  She was grasping my hand with one of hers, and the other was limp.  Granny was having a stroke. 
That was the day that the proverbial pedestal that I set Granny on for my entire life began to fall out from underneath her.    

My earliest memories of Granny revolve around food.  I can smell the macaroni & cheese in the oven right now.  Granny is that woman that everything always tasted better when it came from her kitchen.  It wasn’t until my 20’s and I started cooking that I realized that all of that goodness was equivalent to Crisco and Country Crock…..which are subsequently equivalent to the current size of my butt.  I grew up as the fat sister and constantly had the word “fat” preached to me.  Have you ever eaten Butter Buds? They are a gelatenous butter substitute that comes in a packet and you mix with water.  That’s what we ate in our house instead of butter, because McKenzee was fat.  We suffered through turkey burgers that were so dry they closed your trachea, weight watchers this and slim fast that, and every other diet gimic under the sun.  My mom made me go to the gym and watch this lady dance around in her thong leotard to Taylor Dane and she expected me to join in the aerobics class.  “Tell it to my heart” wasn’t exactly the motivation I needed.  I EVEN tried Sweating to the Oldies.  Shameful. Mccall was a size 0 since the day I can remember.  She metabolizes any and all things at a speed that my body can’t even fathom.  So all of “the treats” would get hidden in our house.  I remember one day, literally, faking sick for school because I planned to stay home and eat the treats in McCall’s closet.  As soon as they would leave I would bust that box of Swiss Cake Rolls and Star Crunches out and eat my fat little heart out.  “Fat” was the elephant in the room at our house.  And it never ever left me alone.  But Granny, Granny didn’t care.  Being with her reminded me that I was more than just fat.  She loved that I loved to eat. It made her feel like she was worth the amount of time that she spent in the kitchen.  We were a perfect pair back then.  My breakfast at her house would be yellow grits (because there is no other color grit), buttered toast with preserves and a Coke. Yeah that’s right, a Coke.  When I would go to spend the weekend with Granny, Mom would pack me a little bag of snacks…..which I’m pretty sure tossed a little fuel on Granny’s Feeder Fire.  In the bag there would be sodas - Diet Rite White Grape.  Granny proclaimed one weekend that those weren’t real sodas and “one little ol’ Cocola ain’t gonna hurt you”.  These were the moments that formed our bond.  She would say things to me like, “you not fat, you just real big boned” or “it’s not your fault that you retain so much water”.  One of my favorites of all time is “you can’t help that you got fat genes”.  She never did have anything nice to say about my biological father. 

When I first read that the book “The Rules” was out and a bestseller I thought for sure that Granny was a co-author.  She wrote the book on proper, if you ask her.  I was in Elementary School on this day, and sitting  at the lunch table waiting for Granny to arrive.  She volunteered for lunch duty every now and again and today was her day.  I heard the clicking of her heels across the gigantic room and didn’t even haveto look up, Granny was here.  Black hair, tight rolled and set. Lilac purple, ruffle breasted, high neck with mother of pearl buttons blouse.  Indigo wash, high waisted jeans, with nude hose AND a girdle on underneath, naturally, and those shoes.  Rattlesnake skin stilettos.  All for a lunch date at the Elementary school.  Granny believed that’s the way a woman should present herself at all times.  That she should take pride in her appearance as her family is a direct reflection of her…..aesthetically speaking.   
Granny is from the generation that believed if it looks good, than it is good.  A generation of tight pin curls and white aprons.  A generation of women that believed in looking the part but paying someone else to actually play it. A generation where women with complaints or anxiety or stress were “quieted” by a male doctor with drugs strong enough to take down a Clydesdale.  A generation that believed in sweeping anything unpleasant right under the rug because hiding it and ignoring it was “nicer” than confronting the issue. 

Sunday, October 2, 2011

It Came and it Went

Vacation.  How in the world did it go by so quickly?!  We spent 7 days in Wisconsin with Jakes family, our family, and I could have stayed for much much longer.  Vacation is always good for us for so many reasons.  The kids need a break from the monotony just as much as we do and there's nothing more refreshing and recharging than fresh air  and beautiful scenery.  I feel like this trip was a little different though. It had some depth.

There are things in life that we forget all too easily.  And this trip was exactly what I needed to remind me of so many of those things.  WARNING: I am going to get mushy gushy about Jake here so skip it if you get nauseated easily.  In November Jake and I will have been together for 9 years.  There isn't anything about him that I don't have memorized.  And yet, he's like a whole new man to me right now.  First of all, of course I know he's handsome. I'm not blind.  But I had almost forgotten that he's ridiculously good looking.  He put on his slacks and dress shirt for the wedding and I gasped a little bit.  My first thought was "holy crap, McKenzee, you're married to HIM!" and then I realized that he has no idea.  He has no idea how amazing he is....and if he did, he would still be here. Once I got over the breathtaking thing I couldn't help but stare at him all night. He's that guy. The one that never meets a stranger. The one that can literally take 10 hours to make his way through a room because there isn't a person there that isn't drawn into him or that he can't find something in common with to make conversation. He held court on 5 different occasions, at 4 different tables, during 1 trip to the bar.  And then later in the week,  he hopped on the four wheeler in muddy boots, a hat, and a dirty sweatshirt, in the rain and there it was again. Wow. How did I ever land this guy?  Second of all, in addition to the stupid good looks, I've watched him change. I've watched God change him. And whoa the perspective changes.  Before each flight he gathered our hands up into his. Mine, Coles and Zellas and prayed for our safety. We got to Wisconsin and he stopped us to thank God for His blessings.  I got really stressed out one day with the kids and he pulled me aside and asked me if he could pray with me.  I know he thought I was crying because I was stressed.  But they were happy tears. Could I possibly love this man any more than I do now? I hear it keeps getting better. I can't wait!

Mushy gushy is over......

Growing up in the Lowcountry I thought I would never look at any other place and think "Wow. This is Gods' country" and I know that's dumb but truly, theres nothing like the Lowcountry.  But then there's Wisconsin in Fall. The trees had just started to change when we got there. By day 4 they had completely popped and it was amazingly beautiful. There was one morning when it rained and then by afternoon the sun was poking through the clouds. We walked out into the woods under the blanket of colors and watched as life crawled beneath, above and around us.  The only other time I have ever physically felt peace was on the water.  God was there. Okay, He's always there. But literally right there, holding the camera right there.  It's a crying shame that I'm so technologically inept that I can't figure out how to add pictures to my blog or I would show you His presence that day in the forest.

Cole amazed us (he's been doing it for 5.5 years, not sure why I still get surprised) through the entire trip.  Yes. He's a boy and he's 5 and he has more energy than most people ever dream of having.  But truly, he's a good kid. He's my baby boy.  There wasn't a please or a thank you that he missed. He held doors for people. He held Zella's hand in the car when she got sleepy. He helped the little kids get their candy at the wedding. He told me he loved me for no reason at all. His butt is so stinking cute in those little khaki pants he wore to the wedding.  He ASKED to please do homework and he did it well. He obsessed over eating deer meat....and boy did he ever eat some deer meat!  I am so proud to be this little boys mama.

This was Zella's first trip to Wisconsin.  A lot of Jake's family had never met her and so of course this was a huge trip for her.  Naturally, she didn't disappoint. We spent our first two days celebrating with Jake (Smith) and Breann as they said "I Do" in the most perfect Fall outdoor wedding ceremony.  The ceremony was followed by fun and laughter and games and dancing and yes, Miss Zella had her dancing shoes on!  As if she were taking cues from a director, Miss Zella performed beautifully and naturally.  She put on her Sunday best and flashed grin after grin for the camera. She danced and clapped and spun in circles until she fell to the floor with laughter.  And after every move she would look to her audience to check their reaction.  She has an AMAZING sense of the emotions of the people around her.  I'm telling you.....she's going to be something huge.

On a hilarious note. We rented a minivan......and LOVED it!  We went to the Mall of America after we got off our flight and Jake was merging into traffic with one hand while using the DVD remote to start the movie with the other hand and I just laughed at him while commenting, "you were made for this car!". Seriously.....we loved it. 

And now we're home. Vacation came and it went. We laughed a lot and made some incredible memories. It's always tough to come home. To know that everything we so easily left behind is waiting for us upon our return.  On the same note, home is where we are when we're together. So I guess truly, we never left. 

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Zella Claire

It hit me like a load of bricks this week that I no longer have a baby.  She's a toddler now. A sassy, girly girl, laugh out loud, obsessed with shoes and wear her pearls to the beach little girl.  Seems like every day someone comments to me how long her hair is getting and how her smile is contagious.  Her vocabulary seems like it went from Mommy, Daddy, and Bubba to 100 different words overnight.  Yes, she calls Cole Harrison "Bubba" and yes, it's one of the sweetest sounds we've ever heard.  There are days when I look at her and can't believe that she's mine. First of all, because she's so amazing, and second of all, because the year of sleepless nights and screaming and awful reactions to what seemed like anything that went into her mouth seems like it was yesterday.

There are things that she does that remind me that she is Cole's little sister.  She has the same passion for books that he had as a toddler and still has today. She has the very same strong will that he had, but I think her grip is stronger ;)  She has the same squeal when you tickle the fat rolls on her legs and the same chunky monkey cheeks that I can't stop kissing.  But there are differences too.  Cole is demanding, but Zella is frantic. He'll say my name repeatedly, but she will scream it like she's in pain until you acknowledge her. Poor kid. Got her mama's anxiety ;) When Cole first started daycare at 16 months one of his first teachers pointed out to us that he doesn't do well amidst chaos. He only functions well in structured environments. If there is no structure, he would remove himself and quietly read a book.  With Zella, if there is chaos, you can bet your money on the fact that she's not only standing in the middle of it, she's probably orchestrating the madness.  She walks into the classroom every morning at school and the kids flock to her like she's a lifesized Elmo. And what does she do? She waves and smiles. Smiles and waves. 

On Friday I took her in for her 18 month well check (she was 19 months on Sep. 11). There was a time when we would walk into the pediatricians' office and the nurses would just wave us back without waiting. Dr. Lowe joked that he was going to put a plaque in "our room" because within a year we had payed for it.  No kidding.  That's how often we were there.  Multiple food protein intolerance and food protein induced entercolitis (FPIES) led to rapid weight loss, intestinal infections, kidney infections, thrush time after time, ear infections, skin infections....the list could go on.  Her name, "zella" means "lacking nothing". Oh the irony when we found out that she was literally "lacking" the enzyme to break down certain proteins. I hadn't slept more than 2 consecutive hours since she was born. She hadn't slept more than 2 consecutive hours. Our entire house suffered. And we would all, every one of us, do it again.

 I will never ever ever forget when Jake and I reached our breaking point.  It's amazing the timing. No, it's God's timing.  We went to church one Sunday and had decided to have her annointed with oil because that's where we were. We had exhausted OUR efforts. That same Sunday Jake answered an altar call and rededicated his life to God. Shortly after that we found Dr. Patel in Columbia with Palmetto Pediatric Gastro.  Within a month of her annointing, and Jake's answer to God's call, Zella was a different baby. And our family was starting to heal, from the inside out, just like Zella's tummy.

Last month Zella had her first reaction in about 6 months. There was a very real 48 hour reminder of how life used to be on a daily basis.  But this time, instead of panicking, and crying and exhausting ourselves with hypothetical scenarios, we prayed.  And we made it. 

After the last 18 months and the lessons we've learned, I can't ignore Zella's effect on our lives. Not just the idea that she's our second child and naturally things will change with that. But that God used her. Before she even knew Him, He knew her. And He had a plan for her and still has a plan for her.  And in her amazing smile and happy disposition through the chaos, she was a blessing to our family.  And now, Cole and all of his unending energy is being used in the same way.  God is using the things that mean the most to me and Jake, Cole and Zella, to continually bring us to our knees and remember that it's His plan, NOT OURS. He makes ALL things work together for our good.

EVERY BABY IS A BLESSING.  And we are truly blessed.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Poop Pants and Ezekiel Bread

I started this blog almost a week ago and that's exactly how long I've been hemming and hawing over what my first post would be about.  I thought "oh I haven't added the pictures yet" or "don't be such a negative nancy and don't write about the issues in life".  Truth is, life is kinda heavy sometimes.  I get really really discouraged reading blogs from women that "have it all together".  So you mean to tell me that your husband is so unbelievably amazing ALL the time that you never ever feel the urge to kick him and that your kids are so well behaved and angelic regardless of the setting that you have NO stress in your life?  I'm sorry, we can't be friends.  It's those women, the ones that are too afraid of imperfection to admit it, it's those women that make the rest of us feel like we're doing something wrong.  So here it is......my first blog post. And it's 100% real. 

Cole Harrison started kindergarten on Aug. 15th.  The first two weeks of school were literally spent talking on the phone with the teacher, emailing the teacher, or on our knees praying that we wouldn't ever hear from the teacher again.  I'm that mom.  I got so angry thinking this lady was singling my kid out and that just wasn't going to fly with this mama.  Despite my anger, frustration, sadness, etc. we pulled out all the stops every morning before school.  We were to the point about 5 days into school that we were laying hands and praying before we even pulled out of the driveway in the morning.  I never thought that something like Cole starting school would completely consume both Jake and myself.  I spent countless hours doing the research...Focusonthefamily.com and ADHD/ADD and Section 504 and gifted testing and anything under the sun that I could think of that would be an explanation for my Cole's behavior. It was exhausting.  Somewhere in that time Jake and I decided (which translates into, Jake finally convinced me) to just be patient.  That we prayed about it and God doesn't send us a text message with an answer when ask a question. I am not a patient person. But then....Cole had a good day. And he had another good day. And God reminded us that He was there the whole time. Week 3 rolled around and M, T, W were the same as before. Phone call, email, phone call.  I forgot every single email and every single phone call when Cole, with his tiny little Vienna sausage finger pointing to each of the words, read us a story on Wednesday night. Word for word. No assistance. No mistakes.  He finished and he sat back and looked at Jake and then he looked at me and the grin on his face made any amount of frustration that had mounted dissipate.  I have never been so proud of him.  God surely knew that the next day at school Cole would poop in his pants and this was the build up before the crash down.  Let's hope he keeps on learning to read because the emails and phone calls have only slowed down, not stopped completely ;)

All the while praying for Cole, Jake and I talked about some of our dreams.  And that's when the loop in the roller coaster that puts you completely upside down where the blood feels like it's going to pop your eyeballs out happens. We have this dream of expanding of our family.  Of following God's calling and instructions and bringing more children into our home.  And this happens with Cole, or I see other young mothers who seem to have so much patience and clear vision for God's purpose in their lives,  and I am the first to doubt. The first to doubt that I'm able. The first to doubt that this is God's plan for our lives. The first to doubt that children would benefit by being in our home.  And it's heartbreaking.  Jake was at work one night and I spent a solid hour crying over the defeat. The defeat of realizing that we haven't even started our journey and I'm already weary. Already weary in wondering if I'm a good enough mother. And weary in letting the devil convince me that I'm not.  And I start to wonder.....God sees all sins to be equal.  Does He look at mothers that way? I mean, truly, each of us is a hero in our own way. He's given us each our own amazing qualities that will get passed to these beautiful blessings that we call children.....but we are all very different.  I would love to think that He sees us all the same.  That when He calls His followers to take care of the poor and the needy and the orphaned and widowed that the call doesn't go out to only moms that homeschool, bake their own Ezekiel bread on the same day of every week, and keep the pleats in their apron perfect.  Maybe that's just my wishful thinking.....

Friday, September 2, 2011

Yep.....I finally started a blog!

This is my first ever blog post. I have to say I'm thrilled!  Our family is growing and changing every single day, and I feel like, without sitting down and being able to gather my thoughts, there's really no way for me to share all of the amazing things in our lives, with just a phone call.  So here it is, the Kubnick family blog.  Stay tuned......exciting posts to come!