I think Cole was about 2.5 years old. Jake and I had been fighting. A lot. We used to fight hard. And dirty. And both of us spent a lot of time trying to be more prideful and stubborn than the other. It got us nowhere and it got us there fast. This particular day had been bad. Cole was in the high chair in the kitchen and I was at the sink pretending to be doing dishes.....since I had abruptly left the table in disgust over whatever stupid thing we were arguing about. Jake walked over to the stereo, then walked over to me......"I am an old woman, named after my mother, my old man is another child that's grown old, if dreams were lightning thunder was desire, this old house it would've burnt down a long time ago...", and we danced. Barefoot in the kitchen. Emotions just as raw as could be, the wounds still open. It's been 7 years. And there isn't a day that I walk into the kitchen in this old house that I don't hear Bonnie Raitt and see us dancing.
Then there were the nights I spent awake here with Zella. She was so sick and so miserable. We would rock and sing, sing and rock, all night long. Some nights we paced a trail into the hardwood in the living room and some nights she just needed me to lay with her on the floor in her nursery. And those nights were long. I got thrown up on more times that I ever thought possible. I lost years of my life in sleep in that year and some months. But when I walk into her room now, and the crib has been replaced by a big girl bed, and I see that old rocking chair in the corner, I know I would do it all again. The crying (from both of us), the research, the begging with God to heal my baby. The singing. The cooing. The moments that I have that nobody else ever saw or had the privilege of sharing. In that nursery, in this old house, God taught me how to fight for my children. He knew I would need to know how. In that nursery, God broke my heart for a pair of orphans across the world that were suffering with the same tummy issues as Zella and they didn't have a mommy to fight for them. In that nursery, God taught me to cry out to Him.....for someone other than myself. There isn't a day that I walk into Zellas room that I don't remember those nights. She barely fits in my lap anymore. We grew up together in that nursery, at the top of the stairs, in this old house.
I've been scared to death in this old house. Cole's first hernia surgery almost put Jake and I in our graves. I've never been that terrified in my life. Until it was Jake on the table for 9 hours having back surgery. Until I laid awake listening to David wheeze and gasp as he tried to sleep in his first weeks home. Until Zella had her first FPIES reaction and was limp in my arms. Until the nights before our flights were leaving for Ukraine.....and we were both leaving Cole and Zella, trusting God that He would bring us back to them WITH their new brother. Until furloughs happened. And more surgeries and more loss. And all the while, in this old house, our lives were changed. Jake found God in this old house. And God found me. We started over here. We learned about grace. We learned how to forgive. We learned how to be humble (still learning). We learned how to be quiet. We learned that it isn't always important to be right. We learned how to love each other. We learned how to pray. We learned about obedience......and that God's plans for us are good, contingent upon that obedience. We learned that it's hard. And we learned that it's worth it.
2 of our 3 babies came home for the very first time to this house.
This was our very first home. Our first big investment.
We said yes to adoption in this house.
We met lifelong, amazing friends in this house.
We have changed in this house.
We have witnessed God move mountains in this house.
We learned the definition of love in this house.
I learned how to cook in this house.
I learned to dream again in this house. From those dreams.....children, a business, vision.
We have filled this home with laughter for 9 years.
And in this old house, in the last year and a half, I have learned that alone, without my husband, even full of all of these memories that have shaped and molded me, this is just an old house.
Tonight is the last night I will sleep away from my husband. Next week we will pack a truck and he will drive our lives to our new old house. And we will fill that place up with memories, too. And those experiences will shape us and mold us further. And when we leave there, it will have been just an old house. Just drywall and brick and a few carpet stains and nail holes. The memories are what we hold on to. The experiences are what shape us. Old houses are just an accessory to a beautiful life.
Thursday, November 12, 2015
Sunday, November 8, 2015
Erma
It's been a few months since I last wrote. Sometimes the vulnerability of putting my heart on this page far outweighs the benefit of writing it all down. And that's where I've been. Vulnerable. Wondering what was next for us/me and asking God a lot of questions that He won't answer and I shouldn't be asking. I had very good intentions of shutting this blogger account down and just moving on.....me and my marble composition book could get along just fine without this very public open door to scrutiny. But every single time I went to shut it down, I hesitated. And it's the hesitation that made me re-evaluate why I wanted so badly to hide instead of shout from the rooftops. I don't have all (or many) of the answers. Most minutes of most days I am still very certain that I'm 72 shades of cray, but in this very quiet season of my life, turns out, when all of the other noise is turned down, God gets turned up. Not saying that silence has made me holy....no way. I have a temper and I'm prideful and totally allow my emotions to be dictators instead of indicators and I get inside my own head and my self-confidence is straight non-existent. I let comparison steal my joy and struggle with the not-enough (not smart enough, holy enough, prayerful enough, skinny enough, etc.) all day long. I battle daily with identifying myself in Christ and as a wife, mother, person with only 2 arms and 97 tasks required of them simultaneously. I DO NOT HAVE IT ALL TOGETHER (or any of it after I just read that last sentence back to myself). And I think God loves it. He loves that I am a mess. In my mess, He gets to rescue me. In my rescuing, my vulnerability is His to reassure. He keeps me in this place, because the very difficult person that I am, would otherwise not allow Him to hold me or forgive me or show me grace. And so today, as I spent a lot of the day frustrated, God worked some things out for me....and created a few new things on the docket for working.
In April 2012 I was driving home one day from work and sobbing to God. He had burdened me with a heart for the fatherless, and my hands were tied as I waited patiently for adoption to become a part of our lives. I will never EVER forgot that prayer....."God, why would you give me this burden if it isn't part of Your plan for us? WHY would You break my heart just for the sake of it being broken? God, if adoption is NOT in Your will for our family, then please, God, just give me peace....". I couldn't understand it. I couldn't wrap my brain around the fact that it took years for God to get me back to Him, and when He did He broke me and then just left me in the waiting room for what felt like eternity. Just a week or so later, in a literal miracle, adoption became a part of our lives and God began rolling out His next phase for us. David has been home for just over 2 years.....and the burden is still mine to bear. There was a little girl at the orphanage....there are so many left behind. I dream of kids in like 8 different countries (that's not scary or anything).....I will never forgive myself for leaving her behind. Ever. When I say that to people sometimes I get the mouth agape, deer in the headlights stare.....because this adoption and foster care stuff, it's hard, people. HARD. It's beautiful and necessary and emotional and exciting and so so many things. But it's also hard. So many children, so so hurt and so so broken and traumatized and sick and malnourished and developmentally delayed and all factors accounted for sometimes the rainbows are hard to see but they're still there. And the hardest part.....is thinking about where they would be if they were still in the orphanage. But let me just be for real.....
A LOT OF DAYS COMPLETELY SUCK. A BIG BUCKET OF SUCK.
And that doesn't change a thing. It doesn't change the mountains God moved to make him a Kubnick. It doesn't change the value of this childs life. It doesn't change that God does not make mistakes. It doesn't change that before he was created in his mothers womb, God knew he would become an orphan........and David was created anyways. It doesn't change that I fight for him every day.....no matter what. And no amount of suck changes that I tell him that....."I LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT". It does not at all change that during those bucket of suck days when I say "God, WHYYYYYYYY did you give this child that needs so much healing, to someone who needs so much healing? We are hot messes together! Surely there was someone better!" And you know what He says, "it doesn't matter why. Because I said GO and if you trust Me, that's all you need to know". He's always right. But in these moments, these are the moments that I know, I would do this crazy ride again tomorrow if God called both of us. I have family members reading this right now (cause y'all know family knows our crazy on a deeper level) and they're saying "nooooooo........" but yes. I would. In a heartbeat. Because the burden doesn't go away. THE BIBLICAL MANDATE DOESN'T GO AWAY. And now that God has opened my eyes, how can I possibly stand in front of Him at judgement and say "well see, God, what had happened was......once we adopted that one child, it was SUPER hard and so we just kind of figured we met our quota....". If there is a list of "Things you gotta do to get through the gates" and one of the things is "Orphan Care", you know what? I cannot check the box. Know why? Because my son is no longer an orphan. He was. But he has a family now. And the day we said yes, the check in that box got erased. So why am I on this topic today? Because.....
TODAY IS ORPHAN SUNDAY. AND EVERY SINGLE DAY SHOULD BE ORPHAN DAY. THAT'S HOW BIG AND DIRE THE NEED IS AND THAT'S HOW CLOSE THIS IS TO GOD'S HEART. AND EVEN TODAY, ON THIS SPECIAL DAY SPECIFICALLY DESIGNATED TO BRING LIGHT TO THE ORPHAN CRISIS IN THE WORLD, MANY PEOPLE INCLUDING CHURCHES AND ENTIRE CONGREGATIONS OF CHRISTIANS TURNED THEIR HEADS AND WALKED AWAY.
And it's maddening. It infuriates me. It makes me sick to my stomach some days that other people aren't burdened the way that I am. The way that my friends (who also sometimes have bucket of suck days with their trauma kids) are burdened and so they say yes over and over and over while others sit by and tell them how amazing they are. I can't even lie, I have a few adoption friends that when they talk the songs of angels come out of their mouths because they really are amazing but you know what? Most of us are not categorically amazing. Most of us are EXACTLY LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. Most of us are quite broken. Most of us have been healed of that brokenness and we know new life. Most of us fail most days. Most of us spend more time on our knees in a prayer closet in the back of the house than we do taking pictures frolicking through meadows with our multi-racial children (have you seen that brochure?! Bless it.). Most of us, we're not any special kind of amazing. Sometimes we don't even really like our kids. But we love them. And we will fight for them. And a lot of us, we will fight for the ones that don't have moms, too. And most of us, we get super upset when we realize that we are the only ones fighting. When we realize that churches aren't stepping up. When we realize how simple and easy the solution is to the foster/adopt issue that is not just a national problem but a global epidemic. And this was me today. I was mad. Mad that I can't do more. Because the weight of the burden......oh the weight.
Throughout today God has helped carry the weight. He knows my needs. Just like He knows yours. And He has reminded me today that the body of Christ is like a machine. Each of us given a job and expected to complete that job to His standards. That my burden, this is not everyone's burden. God's heart isn't ONLY for orphan care. He uses us all according to His will. But are we all allowing Him to burden us to a point of being used? What has He put on your heart? Maybe it's the homeless population or maybe it's finding ways to get clean drinking water into remote 3rd world countries and villages. Maybe its feeding local children meals on the weekends because they don't have access to school cafeteria food. Maybe it's animals. Maybe it's the elderly or maybe it's troubled youth. Tonight as I am allowing my anger to subside, I am wondering, how many Christians are just being useful and not being used? There is a difference. God created us all with the ability to be used. But are we allowing Him to do so in a way that will truly impact His Kingdom? Or are we just hoping that someone else prays with that homeless vet on the corner.....waiting for someone else to become a certified foster family......making excuses to God that the quota was already met with that 1 thing that 1 time.
Can I encourage you to pray tonight about that burden that you have tucked away in your heart and mind that you don't tell anyone about because it's all kinds of crazy? GOD PUT IT THERE FOR A REASON. HE WANTS TO USE YOU. We can't keep ignoring Him. I will never forget reading the book "Kisses for Katie" by Katie Davis. This was before adoption was part of our lives and she said "pray about adoption. God won't say no." I did. He didn't say no. It makes me wonder....how many of us are NOT praying about that thing God put on our hearts, out of fear that He will say yes?
God reminded me today of my favorite quote.....
When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything You gave me'." - Erma Bombeck
I think we forget sometimes that God created each of us, individually, with purpose. He gave you every single piece of you, so that He could use those pieces. He does not make mistakes.
Pray. About adoption and foster care. About that dream He helped you create. About being used.....and not just useful.
In April 2012 I was driving home one day from work and sobbing to God. He had burdened me with a heart for the fatherless, and my hands were tied as I waited patiently for adoption to become a part of our lives. I will never EVER forgot that prayer....."God, why would you give me this burden if it isn't part of Your plan for us? WHY would You break my heart just for the sake of it being broken? God, if adoption is NOT in Your will for our family, then please, God, just give me peace....". I couldn't understand it. I couldn't wrap my brain around the fact that it took years for God to get me back to Him, and when He did He broke me and then just left me in the waiting room for what felt like eternity. Just a week or so later, in a literal miracle, adoption became a part of our lives and God began rolling out His next phase for us. David has been home for just over 2 years.....and the burden is still mine to bear. There was a little girl at the orphanage....there are so many left behind. I dream of kids in like 8 different countries (that's not scary or anything).....I will never forgive myself for leaving her behind. Ever. When I say that to people sometimes I get the mouth agape, deer in the headlights stare.....because this adoption and foster care stuff, it's hard, people. HARD. It's beautiful and necessary and emotional and exciting and so so many things. But it's also hard. So many children, so so hurt and so so broken and traumatized and sick and malnourished and developmentally delayed and all factors accounted for sometimes the rainbows are hard to see but they're still there. And the hardest part.....is thinking about where they would be if they were still in the orphanage. But let me just be for real.....
A LOT OF DAYS COMPLETELY SUCK. A BIG BUCKET OF SUCK.
And that doesn't change a thing. It doesn't change the mountains God moved to make him a Kubnick. It doesn't change the value of this childs life. It doesn't change that God does not make mistakes. It doesn't change that before he was created in his mothers womb, God knew he would become an orphan........and David was created anyways. It doesn't change that I fight for him every day.....no matter what. And no amount of suck changes that I tell him that....."I LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT". It does not at all change that during those bucket of suck days when I say "God, WHYYYYYYYY did you give this child that needs so much healing, to someone who needs so much healing? We are hot messes together! Surely there was someone better!" And you know what He says, "it doesn't matter why. Because I said GO and if you trust Me, that's all you need to know". He's always right. But in these moments, these are the moments that I know, I would do this crazy ride again tomorrow if God called both of us. I have family members reading this right now (cause y'all know family knows our crazy on a deeper level) and they're saying "nooooooo........" but yes. I would. In a heartbeat. Because the burden doesn't go away. THE BIBLICAL MANDATE DOESN'T GO AWAY. And now that God has opened my eyes, how can I possibly stand in front of Him at judgement and say "well see, God, what had happened was......once we adopted that one child, it was SUPER hard and so we just kind of figured we met our quota....". If there is a list of "Things you gotta do to get through the gates" and one of the things is "Orphan Care", you know what? I cannot check the box. Know why? Because my son is no longer an orphan. He was. But he has a family now. And the day we said yes, the check in that box got erased. So why am I on this topic today? Because.....
TODAY IS ORPHAN SUNDAY. AND EVERY SINGLE DAY SHOULD BE ORPHAN DAY. THAT'S HOW BIG AND DIRE THE NEED IS AND THAT'S HOW CLOSE THIS IS TO GOD'S HEART. AND EVEN TODAY, ON THIS SPECIAL DAY SPECIFICALLY DESIGNATED TO BRING LIGHT TO THE ORPHAN CRISIS IN THE WORLD, MANY PEOPLE INCLUDING CHURCHES AND ENTIRE CONGREGATIONS OF CHRISTIANS TURNED THEIR HEADS AND WALKED AWAY.
And it's maddening. It infuriates me. It makes me sick to my stomach some days that other people aren't burdened the way that I am. The way that my friends (who also sometimes have bucket of suck days with their trauma kids) are burdened and so they say yes over and over and over while others sit by and tell them how amazing they are. I can't even lie, I have a few adoption friends that when they talk the songs of angels come out of their mouths because they really are amazing but you know what? Most of us are not categorically amazing. Most of us are EXACTLY LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. Most of us are quite broken. Most of us have been healed of that brokenness and we know new life. Most of us fail most days. Most of us spend more time on our knees in a prayer closet in the back of the house than we do taking pictures frolicking through meadows with our multi-racial children (have you seen that brochure?! Bless it.). Most of us, we're not any special kind of amazing. Sometimes we don't even really like our kids. But we love them. And we will fight for them. And a lot of us, we will fight for the ones that don't have moms, too. And most of us, we get super upset when we realize that we are the only ones fighting. When we realize that churches aren't stepping up. When we realize how simple and easy the solution is to the foster/adopt issue that is not just a national problem but a global epidemic. And this was me today. I was mad. Mad that I can't do more. Because the weight of the burden......oh the weight.
Throughout today God has helped carry the weight. He knows my needs. Just like He knows yours. And He has reminded me today that the body of Christ is like a machine. Each of us given a job and expected to complete that job to His standards. That my burden, this is not everyone's burden. God's heart isn't ONLY for orphan care. He uses us all according to His will. But are we all allowing Him to burden us to a point of being used? What has He put on your heart? Maybe it's the homeless population or maybe it's finding ways to get clean drinking water into remote 3rd world countries and villages. Maybe its feeding local children meals on the weekends because they don't have access to school cafeteria food. Maybe it's animals. Maybe it's the elderly or maybe it's troubled youth. Tonight as I am allowing my anger to subside, I am wondering, how many Christians are just being useful and not being used? There is a difference. God created us all with the ability to be used. But are we allowing Him to do so in a way that will truly impact His Kingdom? Or are we just hoping that someone else prays with that homeless vet on the corner.....waiting for someone else to become a certified foster family......making excuses to God that the quota was already met with that 1 thing that 1 time.
Can I encourage you to pray tonight about that burden that you have tucked away in your heart and mind that you don't tell anyone about because it's all kinds of crazy? GOD PUT IT THERE FOR A REASON. HE WANTS TO USE YOU. We can't keep ignoring Him. I will never forget reading the book "Kisses for Katie" by Katie Davis. This was before adoption was part of our lives and she said "pray about adoption. God won't say no." I did. He didn't say no. It makes me wonder....how many of us are NOT praying about that thing God put on our hearts, out of fear that He will say yes?
God reminded me today of my favorite quote.....
When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything You gave me'." - Erma Bombeck
I think we forget sometimes that God created each of us, individually, with purpose. He gave you every single piece of you, so that He could use those pieces. He does not make mistakes.
Pray. About adoption and foster care. About that dream He helped you create. About being used.....and not just useful.
Sunday, July 26, 2015
A birthday story......
David Tiberiy Benjamin Kubnick turns 7 years old tomorrow. 2 years ago, on July 27th, he became eligible for international adoption. And we met him just 12 days later. God. And last year we couldn't really "celebrate" yet. David was still adjusting and excess made him uncomfortable and so it was small and more of an acknowledgement of his special day with one very special gift. And I remember thinking to myself "next year. Next year we will celebrate." And here we are. Another year gone, almost 2 years home. And things HAVE changed this year. The roller coaster had different scenery and the ups and the downs and the loopty loops were all in different places. And in the midst of it all, our son began to learn what "family" means and what it looks like. He began to find his place in it all.
Yesterday Jake started the hype by asking David what he wanted for his birthday dinner (on birthdays, the birthday person gets to choose the meal) and he replied "spaghetti" so Jake asked "ok and do you have a second choice?" and David said "noodles with meat and red sauce" and I smiled. I smiled because it took A LOT for David to express his desire.....and I smiled because FINALLY, two years later, I already knew what his choice was going to be. To know that he trusts us enough to let us in on his desires is monumental. It seems so so small. But it's huge. And a big big win for us. And it continued through to today in the car. David did a little giggle and said to Cole and Zella "you know it's my birthday tomorrow, right?" and they both confirmed it with me (can NOBODY read the calendar in this house?!) and then David went on, "and we're having spaghetti for dinner. I got to pick." He was beaming from ear to ear. Cole (trying to sneak a math problem into things) said "how many birthdays have you had before this one?" and David replied "this will be my second birthday". Insert alligator tears from the driver seat. It simultaneously breaks my heart and renews it.....to know that for 5 years, birthdays weren't an occasion.....but to know that his good memories, in all of them, we are there. That he was alive because his mother chose life for him, but that to him, he started really living when he became a Kubnick.
When God burdened my heart for adoption 5 years ago, these were the moments that I longed for. The ones that reminded me of the new life that is found in Jesus. Today, and tomorrow especially, I am so thankful to be Davids mom. On the hard days.....because God gave David to me to reveal to me all of my weakness, and have mercy am I ever a hot mess! And on the good days, because I am literally watching God move mountains.....In His time. Not mine.
Tomorrow may be Davids birthday, but we are the ones that have been given the gift.
Yesterday Jake started the hype by asking David what he wanted for his birthday dinner (on birthdays, the birthday person gets to choose the meal) and he replied "spaghetti" so Jake asked "ok and do you have a second choice?" and David said "noodles with meat and red sauce" and I smiled. I smiled because it took A LOT for David to express his desire.....and I smiled because FINALLY, two years later, I already knew what his choice was going to be. To know that he trusts us enough to let us in on his desires is monumental. It seems so so small. But it's huge. And a big big win for us. And it continued through to today in the car. David did a little giggle and said to Cole and Zella "you know it's my birthday tomorrow, right?" and they both confirmed it with me (can NOBODY read the calendar in this house?!) and then David went on, "and we're having spaghetti for dinner. I got to pick." He was beaming from ear to ear. Cole (trying to sneak a math problem into things) said "how many birthdays have you had before this one?" and David replied "this will be my second birthday". Insert alligator tears from the driver seat. It simultaneously breaks my heart and renews it.....to know that for 5 years, birthdays weren't an occasion.....but to know that his good memories, in all of them, we are there. That he was alive because his mother chose life for him, but that to him, he started really living when he became a Kubnick.
When God burdened my heart for adoption 5 years ago, these were the moments that I longed for. The ones that reminded me of the new life that is found in Jesus. Today, and tomorrow especially, I am so thankful to be Davids mom. On the hard days.....because God gave David to me to reveal to me all of my weakness, and have mercy am I ever a hot mess! And on the good days, because I am literally watching God move mountains.....In His time. Not mine.
Tomorrow may be Davids birthday, but we are the ones that have been given the gift.
Tuesday, July 14, 2015
Retrospect
I shared this memory with a sweet friend tonight.....
She was in the middle of fundraising to bring her boys home from Africa. And if you know anything about adoption fundraising, you know it means "sell whatever you can as fast as you can" and so we had this brilliant idea one day to do crafty stuff. I mean, Pinterest makes it look super easy and people will buy it! Done! She made these beautiful burlap wreaths. They were full and Southern and PERFECT for any door or mantel. And she sold like a buzillion of them. I remember her texting me really late one night after an exhausting day dealing with adoption agency stuff and paperwork and everyday life and kids and a house and all that wears a mama down, and she was sitting in the middle of her living room floor, surrounded on all sides by burlap, fingers hurting from all of the pins, exhausted, crying, blaring Meredith Andrews, Not for a moment. https://youtu.be/XD0cvWImVjA
That was the closing worship song at church on Sunday. God immediately took me back to that night, thinking about my friend. Exhausted. Beat up. Trusting God to bring her boys home. 1 wreath, 1 fundraiser at a time. And it was an amazing reminder.......
That afternoon, I had some laundry folding time and quiet and I turned on worship music. Jesus Culture "Walk With Me" https://youtu.be/1SDfxmgM2JQ started playing and again, God took me back. The morning we were leaving for our first trip to Ukraine we went to church and heard this song for the first time in worship. And I was a mess. And it became our "anthem" throughout that trip.....it says all there is to say "Calmer of the storm.....Healer of my heart......Author of the world...walk with me......in Your presence Lord, there is joy.....there is rest.....there is peace". I remember the morning of our appointment to go look at available "files" and Jake and I stood in our apartment holding hands listening to that song. We were TERRIFIED. That's not even the right word. We fully understood the scale of what we were walking into at that very moment.....and knew that we were not at all walking alone. And I look back at the last almost 2 years, since the first time I heard that song, and some days I still feel just like my friend did that night, in a heap on the floor, surrounded by life and all of its stuff, thinking we will NEVER get past that day. And each morning, here we are. Carried. Walked with.
I look back now at the last 2 years and some things are just memories. And I'm SUPER thankful for that. And we are changed. And my friends sons have been here for a couple of years and they are thriving and she isn't making wreaths anymore (LOL) and David has been home almost 2 years and so much progress and the hard days are fewer and fewer and all of us, we made it. We are still making it. Every day, by the grace of God.
It's important to remember how far God has carried us. And important to allow Him to remind us that He IS constant and He IS sovereign. He is faithful and He is not changing......and He has revealed these things to us over and over and over again. We just have to choose to look back and remember that whatever we are walking through now, He already walked through it.....and He will walk us out of it.
She was in the middle of fundraising to bring her boys home from Africa. And if you know anything about adoption fundraising, you know it means "sell whatever you can as fast as you can" and so we had this brilliant idea one day to do crafty stuff. I mean, Pinterest makes it look super easy and people will buy it! Done! She made these beautiful burlap wreaths. They were full and Southern and PERFECT for any door or mantel. And she sold like a buzillion of them. I remember her texting me really late one night after an exhausting day dealing with adoption agency stuff and paperwork and everyday life and kids and a house and all that wears a mama down, and she was sitting in the middle of her living room floor, surrounded on all sides by burlap, fingers hurting from all of the pins, exhausted, crying, blaring Meredith Andrews, Not for a moment. https://youtu.be/XD0cvWImVjA
That was the closing worship song at church on Sunday. God immediately took me back to that night, thinking about my friend. Exhausted. Beat up. Trusting God to bring her boys home. 1 wreath, 1 fundraiser at a time. And it was an amazing reminder.......
That afternoon, I had some laundry folding time and quiet and I turned on worship music. Jesus Culture "Walk With Me" https://youtu.be/1SDfxmgM2JQ started playing and again, God took me back. The morning we were leaving for our first trip to Ukraine we went to church and heard this song for the first time in worship. And I was a mess. And it became our "anthem" throughout that trip.....it says all there is to say "Calmer of the storm.....Healer of my heart......Author of the world...walk with me......in Your presence Lord, there is joy.....there is rest.....there is peace". I remember the morning of our appointment to go look at available "files" and Jake and I stood in our apartment holding hands listening to that song. We were TERRIFIED. That's not even the right word. We fully understood the scale of what we were walking into at that very moment.....and knew that we were not at all walking alone. And I look back at the last almost 2 years, since the first time I heard that song, and some days I still feel just like my friend did that night, in a heap on the floor, surrounded by life and all of its stuff, thinking we will NEVER get past that day. And each morning, here we are. Carried. Walked with.
I look back now at the last 2 years and some things are just memories. And I'm SUPER thankful for that. And we are changed. And my friends sons have been here for a couple of years and they are thriving and she isn't making wreaths anymore (LOL) and David has been home almost 2 years and so much progress and the hard days are fewer and fewer and all of us, we made it. We are still making it. Every day, by the grace of God.
It's important to remember how far God has carried us. And important to allow Him to remind us that He IS constant and He IS sovereign. He is faithful and He is not changing......and He has revealed these things to us over and over and over again. We just have to choose to look back and remember that whatever we are walking through now, He already walked through it.....and He will walk us out of it.
Tuesday, June 9, 2015
What I've learned as a "special needs" parent.......
Two years ago, Jake and I were getting ready to embark on our journey to Ukraine to meet the newest member of our family. We were waiting on a travel date from our team in Ukraine and were preparing our home and our hearts for whomever God had waiting for us. Our dossier, that had already been approved by the Ukrainian government, specifically stated 1-2 children, ages 0-7, with mild or correctable special needs. For the record, we had no idea what that meant. There are tons of labels and diagnoses thrown around in adoption world that really could mean so much more or so much less than what they actually mean so that's just a vague generalization. But we didn't know that then. A week before we were scheduled to fly out, I got an urgent email from a team member saying that I needed to call her. I did. And what she said to me was this, "I think that you should strongly reconsider your travel. From what I hear from our team, there are only children available with severe special needs. Nobody wants them." We said yes anyways. And about a month later, we met David, and 16 of his friends at the orphanage. Some of them had very obvious physical special needs. Some of them appeared just as healthy as David. "These could NOT be the children that nobody wants," I thought to myself. I had no idea that the idea of "special needs" would be redefined for me in the next several months.
Our first several weeks with David home were both heartbreaking and triumphant. Many of you followed our story and know of the things he was limited to. At 5 years old he could not hold a utensil (eating or writing or otherwise) because his muscles were so weak over his entire body from malnourishment. He couldn't chew things that were gooey or tough because the muscles in his face were so underdeveloped from having so few textural options with food. He had never seen toilet paper. Had never taken a warm bath or shower. He had never worn a pair of shoes that actually fit his feet, and as a result, had a very noticeable gait when he walked. He did not know how to be held. He was violent and would fight horribly against affection. He would spit and kick at night and not sleep for fear that he would be injured in his sleep, like he was in the orphanage. And these things, the results of his horrid living conditions, deemed him "special needs". And ALL of these things, and so much more, he has moved past. He has outgrown. He has developed and grown and has real feelings and likes and dislikes and opinions and tantrums and "stuff". And he also has needs. Very real needs. Very real needs that are special. And you know what? That makes him EXACTLY LIKE EVERY OTHER CHILD.
The most important and valuable thing that I have learned in the last year and 9 months of parenting a child that is deemed "special needs" is that every child is special needs. They don't fit in a box. They can't and shouldn't be compared to their peers. They not only require to be parented differently, but they deserve to be parented differently. Each of them.
Before we began this journey, I had never heard of sensory processing disorder, oppositional defiance disorder, reactive attachment disorder, stemming, low muscle tone, secondary trauma, etc. etc. etc. This list is infinitely long. The first time we walked into our occupational therapy evaluation I was completely overwhelmed with the details that go into a childs operating systems and development. And it was humbling. It was humbling to be a mother to two biological children that I swore I had done everything right with them and yet still, some of these things, these disorders, these quirks. I recognized them in my bio babies too. It took me weeks to reconcile that. It took me even longer to come to terms with the fact that a lot of people will tell us that something's wrong with my kids......and even longer to convince myself that they aren't broken. They are the way God made them. There isn't anything wrong with their ticks. There is something wrong with a society that tells us that children should be parented 1 way and that children should behave 1 way.
I have 3 very different children. With very different needs. And so do you. Your kids are special needs too. Yes, you. Because they are special. Not special in the way that the world defines "special". Special in the way that God defines it.....unique, fearfully and wonderfully made, perfectly created. And they have needs. Very unique and individual needs to fit their very unique and individual makeup. And some of their needs are BIG and physical and/or behavioral and require 100% of your time and some of their needs are small but still needs, nonetheless....... But in the end, they're all different. Can we all remember that?
I have to remind myself every day. Every Sunday when I drop two kids off at kids church and the same usher for the last 10 months every single Sunday says to me "you know we have a kids ministry" as he looks down at child number 3, I have to remind myself, "I am this childs mother. And I know his need. And their sitting still and being quiet skills are better than half the adults in here. so shut it." Every time a mom that doesn't know anything about our story compares a very happy bubbly child standing next to their very sad and mopey sibling and questions the difference. Every time that same mopey kid announces a half truth that turns heads. I remind myself......they are each different. And they each have needs that are special. And I will meet those needs to the best of my ability. And that is literally ALL I can do.
If you're the mom that questions other moms, just stop. There's a lot to be said for solidarity. We all need support. If you don't understand, that's okay. But that's not the other moms fault. If you're the mom with the kids that always get you the looks from the moms that I just mentioned, you're amazing. Your children will grow up knowing that their mom loved them enough to fight for them and with them through all of their crazy little quirks. Keep pushing through, moms. Moms of all children, that are all special, with special needs.
Our first several weeks with David home were both heartbreaking and triumphant. Many of you followed our story and know of the things he was limited to. At 5 years old he could not hold a utensil (eating or writing or otherwise) because his muscles were so weak over his entire body from malnourishment. He couldn't chew things that were gooey or tough because the muscles in his face were so underdeveloped from having so few textural options with food. He had never seen toilet paper. Had never taken a warm bath or shower. He had never worn a pair of shoes that actually fit his feet, and as a result, had a very noticeable gait when he walked. He did not know how to be held. He was violent and would fight horribly against affection. He would spit and kick at night and not sleep for fear that he would be injured in his sleep, like he was in the orphanage. And these things, the results of his horrid living conditions, deemed him "special needs". And ALL of these things, and so much more, he has moved past. He has outgrown. He has developed and grown and has real feelings and likes and dislikes and opinions and tantrums and "stuff". And he also has needs. Very real needs. Very real needs that are special. And you know what? That makes him EXACTLY LIKE EVERY OTHER CHILD.
The most important and valuable thing that I have learned in the last year and 9 months of parenting a child that is deemed "special needs" is that every child is special needs. They don't fit in a box. They can't and shouldn't be compared to their peers. They not only require to be parented differently, but they deserve to be parented differently. Each of them.
Before we began this journey, I had never heard of sensory processing disorder, oppositional defiance disorder, reactive attachment disorder, stemming, low muscle tone, secondary trauma, etc. etc. etc. This list is infinitely long. The first time we walked into our occupational therapy evaluation I was completely overwhelmed with the details that go into a childs operating systems and development. And it was humbling. It was humbling to be a mother to two biological children that I swore I had done everything right with them and yet still, some of these things, these disorders, these quirks. I recognized them in my bio babies too. It took me weeks to reconcile that. It took me even longer to come to terms with the fact that a lot of people will tell us that something's wrong with my kids......and even longer to convince myself that they aren't broken. They are the way God made them. There isn't anything wrong with their ticks. There is something wrong with a society that tells us that children should be parented 1 way and that children should behave 1 way.
I have 3 very different children. With very different needs. And so do you. Your kids are special needs too. Yes, you. Because they are special. Not special in the way that the world defines "special". Special in the way that God defines it.....unique, fearfully and wonderfully made, perfectly created. And they have needs. Very unique and individual needs to fit their very unique and individual makeup. And some of their needs are BIG and physical and/or behavioral and require 100% of your time and some of their needs are small but still needs, nonetheless....... But in the end, they're all different. Can we all remember that?
I have to remind myself every day. Every Sunday when I drop two kids off at kids church and the same usher for the last 10 months every single Sunday says to me "you know we have a kids ministry" as he looks down at child number 3, I have to remind myself, "I am this childs mother. And I know his need. And their sitting still and being quiet skills are better than half the adults in here. so shut it." Every time a mom that doesn't know anything about our story compares a very happy bubbly child standing next to their very sad and mopey sibling and questions the difference. Every time that same mopey kid announces a half truth that turns heads. I remind myself......they are each different. And they each have needs that are special. And I will meet those needs to the best of my ability. And that is literally ALL I can do.
If you're the mom that questions other moms, just stop. There's a lot to be said for solidarity. We all need support. If you don't understand, that's okay. But that's not the other moms fault. If you're the mom with the kids that always get you the looks from the moms that I just mentioned, you're amazing. Your children will grow up knowing that their mom loved them enough to fight for them and with them through all of their crazy little quirks. Keep pushing through, moms. Moms of all children, that are all special, with special needs.
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
A Real Quick One.....
I've been quiet for some time. Sometimes we lose our voice and sometimes we choose to not let it be heard. Either way, while I have A LOT to say most of the time, this is just a real quick one before bed.
Some friends of ours gave us this book.....
http://www.amazon.com/From-Pride-Humility-Biblical-Perspective/dp/1885904371
...and I feel certain that Jake and I both rolled at our eyes at the Title. Does anyone truly desire to read a book about finding humility? But we read it. The whole 31 pages (yes, that's all). And it was a gut check. And we were truly humbled. And learned so much about pride and how prideful we were without even recognizing that it was pride. I think that I always associated humility with being walked all over. And in fact, that's not at all what it is. Humility will look different for everyone. But I know for certain, that if each of you reads this book and goes through the 30 characteristics of a prideful person, you will find yourselves saying "check....check check check" and realizing just how crappy you really are. (insert awkward laughter)
Anyways, since we finished reading it a few weeks ago it's been there in my head "what does humility look like for me?" and I've answered my own question daily. It's there when I completely go psycho mom crazy and flip out on a child for wanting to wear tennis shoes when I ask them to wear flip flops.....and then I apologize and ask them for forgiveness. It's there when I shut the cabinet door with the protein shakers in it that somehow mysteriously gets left open every single time a certain individual in our house drinks a protein shake (twice a day.....you know who you are) and instead of saying "no worries, I'll close the cabinet" with a snotty tone in my voice, I just close it gently, keep my trap shut and move on. It's there when the doctor is running an hour and 10 minutes behind (this is no joke) and the receptionist doesn't understand why I would possibly want to reschedule the appointment despite the fact that she has no idea how long it may actually be until I'm able to see the doctor and I keep my cool, and just reschedule.....without berating or reminding them of their one job. It's there when a foot is stomped or a sibling fight breaks out. It's there when I'm tired and grumpy in the morning but chatty cathy and friends want to talk immediately and at elevated volumes. It's there. And I'm not perfect. I still mess up every day. But I'm closer than I was before. Isn't that what we can do? We can't change everything about ourselves overnight. We can't wave a wand and undo all of the bad habits that we've spent our entire lives "doing". We do what we can and pray that God meets us in our effort and know confidently that He will.
Jake and I were at the gym this morning and it was chest day (the worst of all my days.....except shoulders. But I quit doing shoulder day once I decided I actually want to have a neck). It was getting to the end of the workout and the adrenaline is pumping and I'm feeling all strong and Need to Breathe "Able" came on Pandora.......
https://youtu.be/rmMZezhSI0I
"And though I feel, I'm just as strong as any man I know, I'm not able, I'm not able, I'm not able, on my own......"
And there it was. Jake and I are strong. Not like Patrick Swayze in Roundhouse strong, but strong like, we can do it. We don't ask for help. We just do it. We are the people that got a "U" for Unsatisfactory in grade school for "works well with others" because we know we can get it done in the most efficient and expeditious manner possible and you other jokers can just watch. And for whatever reason, God thought it would be awesome to have us marry each other to exponentially complicate our lack of working well with others (you can laugh.....I am). But this is just how we are. And God made us this way. He truly did. He created our personalities in this manner with a very specific purpose, just like He did with each of you. But just like how man took a good thing and tainted it in the garden of Eden, we've done the same thing with our independence and strong personalities. And rather than use them, we've tried to own them. There is a thin line between knowing you are capable and feeling as if nobody else is capable other than you. And when we start to lose control, we try to control in stronger, larger ways and it turns into us saying to God "no thanks, don't need You. You made me this way. I got this." But getting back to basics........if our goal as Christians in this life and the next is sanctification, how will we ever get there on our own? We can't. It is literally impossible. It occurred to me today that sanctification begins where pride ends. I'm not able, at all, on my own. That is what humility looks like for me. Rediscovering the goal, and realizing that I can't reach it without the One that created it.
Order the book, people. 31 pages.
Some friends of ours gave us this book.....
http://www.amazon.com/From-Pride-Humility-Biblical-Perspective/dp/1885904371
...and I feel certain that Jake and I both rolled at our eyes at the Title. Does anyone truly desire to read a book about finding humility? But we read it. The whole 31 pages (yes, that's all). And it was a gut check. And we were truly humbled. And learned so much about pride and how prideful we were without even recognizing that it was pride. I think that I always associated humility with being walked all over. And in fact, that's not at all what it is. Humility will look different for everyone. But I know for certain, that if each of you reads this book and goes through the 30 characteristics of a prideful person, you will find yourselves saying "check....check check check" and realizing just how crappy you really are. (insert awkward laughter)
Anyways, since we finished reading it a few weeks ago it's been there in my head "what does humility look like for me?" and I've answered my own question daily. It's there when I completely go psycho mom crazy and flip out on a child for wanting to wear tennis shoes when I ask them to wear flip flops.....and then I apologize and ask them for forgiveness. It's there when I shut the cabinet door with the protein shakers in it that somehow mysteriously gets left open every single time a certain individual in our house drinks a protein shake (twice a day.....you know who you are) and instead of saying "no worries, I'll close the cabinet" with a snotty tone in my voice, I just close it gently, keep my trap shut and move on. It's there when the doctor is running an hour and 10 minutes behind (this is no joke) and the receptionist doesn't understand why I would possibly want to reschedule the appointment despite the fact that she has no idea how long it may actually be until I'm able to see the doctor and I keep my cool, and just reschedule.....without berating or reminding them of their one job. It's there when a foot is stomped or a sibling fight breaks out. It's there when I'm tired and grumpy in the morning but chatty cathy and friends want to talk immediately and at elevated volumes. It's there. And I'm not perfect. I still mess up every day. But I'm closer than I was before. Isn't that what we can do? We can't change everything about ourselves overnight. We can't wave a wand and undo all of the bad habits that we've spent our entire lives "doing". We do what we can and pray that God meets us in our effort and know confidently that He will.
Jake and I were at the gym this morning and it was chest day (the worst of all my days.....except shoulders. But I quit doing shoulder day once I decided I actually want to have a neck). It was getting to the end of the workout and the adrenaline is pumping and I'm feeling all strong and Need to Breathe "Able" came on Pandora.......
https://youtu.be/rmMZezhSI0I
"And though I feel, I'm just as strong as any man I know, I'm not able, I'm not able, I'm not able, on my own......"
And there it was. Jake and I are strong. Not like Patrick Swayze in Roundhouse strong, but strong like, we can do it. We don't ask for help. We just do it. We are the people that got a "U" for Unsatisfactory in grade school for "works well with others" because we know we can get it done in the most efficient and expeditious manner possible and you other jokers can just watch. And for whatever reason, God thought it would be awesome to have us marry each other to exponentially complicate our lack of working well with others (you can laugh.....I am). But this is just how we are. And God made us this way. He truly did. He created our personalities in this manner with a very specific purpose, just like He did with each of you. But just like how man took a good thing and tainted it in the garden of Eden, we've done the same thing with our independence and strong personalities. And rather than use them, we've tried to own them. There is a thin line between knowing you are capable and feeling as if nobody else is capable other than you. And when we start to lose control, we try to control in stronger, larger ways and it turns into us saying to God "no thanks, don't need You. You made me this way. I got this." But getting back to basics........if our goal as Christians in this life and the next is sanctification, how will we ever get there on our own? We can't. It is literally impossible. It occurred to me today that sanctification begins where pride ends. I'm not able, at all, on my own. That is what humility looks like for me. Rediscovering the goal, and realizing that I can't reach it without the One that created it.
Order the book, people. 31 pages.
Sunday, March 29, 2015
Hosanna
I've been sitting on this for a while. I had no idea how to unpack what was in my head and certainly didn't know if the timing was what God wanted. In my head, I've written this approximately fiftyleven times in the last couple of months. And none of them was right. None of them seemed to fit. It was just this week that God wrote this story for me (and still I won't do it justice with my words). And I'm so glad that I waited. Because He didn't just change my words, He changed my mind.
Several weeks ago, I was out to a girls dinner with 3 girls. 2 of them I know in an acquaintance kind of way and the 3rd I'm super close with. After hours of talking about everything under the sun, I was left alone at the table with one of the acquaintances. First of all, I give props to this girl. She did this respectfully (in waiting for the other two to leave) and second of all, she asked, but didn't pry. So they left the table and she just asked. Flat out. "I hear people say all the time that they love their adopted children the same way they love their biological children. Is it really the same?" And I told her, "no. It's not the same. Loving him is something that I work very hard to do." And before I had a chance to elaborate, the other girls returned, and this wonderful woman dropped the subject and we never revisited it. But it won't go away. It's there in my mind all the time. And I know that I meant what I said. I know that, FOR US (every family is different), this is true. So if I'm so confident in my answer, why has God been holding this conversation hostage in my heart for weeks?
And this week, He let me know why. Because He wanted to not just change my answer. He wanted to change my heart. This week I learned that love is not a feeling.
Love is a commitment.
Love says......
I will be here when everybody else leaves.
I will NOT enable you, I WILL teach you that you can do hard things.
I will back off, but I will NOT leave, when you need space.
I will forgive you when you can't forgive yourself.
I will pray, when you don't know how.
I will reach my hand out to you, and wait patiently as you decide whether or not to take it.
I will offer guidance, and accept when you deny it.
I will lead you to water.......and accept that I cannot make you drink.
I will always do what's best for you.....even if it doesn't benefit me.
I will show you right from wrong......
I will show you what it means to be humble and what it looks like to serve.....
If someone asked me again today, is it the same? I would say yes. Yes I am committed to my husband and all of my children in the same way. I will not give up. I will not walk away. Does it FEEL the same? No. But love is not a feeling. All of us have commitments. Running a few miles a day. Taking up a new hobby (ever seen a man with a new set of golf clubs on the driving range - commitment, people). Running a business. Marriage. Kids. Volunteering. Making a commitment means that you refuse to lose. That's what love is. It refuses to be defeated. And that sounds so magical right? In your head you're considering all of the hypothetical ways that "love" can be defeated. All of the ways that, in this world, you've seen it fall apart. And that's where I've been wrong. Love was not defined for us in this world.
Today is Palm Sunday. I think about the way Jesus must have felt as they called out for Him "Hosanna!!!!! Hosanna in the highest!" Hosanna means "save me". The people were literally crying to Him and begging to be saved. And He knew of His fate. He knew that the only way to satisfy the wrath of God was to die on that cross. But even with the desperate cries of the people, do you think He wasn't afraid? He wasn't riding that donkey like it was his steed and he was a knight in shining armor. Do you think He wasn't wondering why THIS was God's plan for His life? But He was committed. He LOVES us. If love was a feeling, He would have refused. If love was a feeling, He would have pointed out that He was not being treated reciprocally. If He was going to die, then what were we going to do for Him? If love was a feeling, we would all be going to hell. But it's not. It's a commitment. And it was displayed for us, right there on the cross. And even after He died (because of us) and rose, as He ascended into heaven He said "and be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age." Matthew 28:20. AFTER we nailed him to a cross, He STILL won't leave us. THAT is commitment. That is love.
What a perfect example we've all been given on how to love. And what an even more perfect display we've been shown of how when we feel unlovable, someone (God) is committed to us. Nobody can sin enough to negate His love. It is a commitment. Unfailing. Permanent.
Several weeks ago, I was out to a girls dinner with 3 girls. 2 of them I know in an acquaintance kind of way and the 3rd I'm super close with. After hours of talking about everything under the sun, I was left alone at the table with one of the acquaintances. First of all, I give props to this girl. She did this respectfully (in waiting for the other two to leave) and second of all, she asked, but didn't pry. So they left the table and she just asked. Flat out. "I hear people say all the time that they love their adopted children the same way they love their biological children. Is it really the same?" And I told her, "no. It's not the same. Loving him is something that I work very hard to do." And before I had a chance to elaborate, the other girls returned, and this wonderful woman dropped the subject and we never revisited it. But it won't go away. It's there in my mind all the time. And I know that I meant what I said. I know that, FOR US (every family is different), this is true. So if I'm so confident in my answer, why has God been holding this conversation hostage in my heart for weeks?
And this week, He let me know why. Because He wanted to not just change my answer. He wanted to change my heart. This week I learned that love is not a feeling.
Love is a commitment.
Love says......
I will be here when everybody else leaves.
I will NOT enable you, I WILL teach you that you can do hard things.
I will back off, but I will NOT leave, when you need space.
I will forgive you when you can't forgive yourself.
I will pray, when you don't know how.
I will reach my hand out to you, and wait patiently as you decide whether or not to take it.
I will offer guidance, and accept when you deny it.
I will lead you to water.......and accept that I cannot make you drink.
I will always do what's best for you.....even if it doesn't benefit me.
I will show you right from wrong......
I will show you what it means to be humble and what it looks like to serve.....
If someone asked me again today, is it the same? I would say yes. Yes I am committed to my husband and all of my children in the same way. I will not give up. I will not walk away. Does it FEEL the same? No. But love is not a feeling. All of us have commitments. Running a few miles a day. Taking up a new hobby (ever seen a man with a new set of golf clubs on the driving range - commitment, people). Running a business. Marriage. Kids. Volunteering. Making a commitment means that you refuse to lose. That's what love is. It refuses to be defeated. And that sounds so magical right? In your head you're considering all of the hypothetical ways that "love" can be defeated. All of the ways that, in this world, you've seen it fall apart. And that's where I've been wrong. Love was not defined for us in this world.
Today is Palm Sunday. I think about the way Jesus must have felt as they called out for Him "Hosanna!!!!! Hosanna in the highest!" Hosanna means "save me". The people were literally crying to Him and begging to be saved. And He knew of His fate. He knew that the only way to satisfy the wrath of God was to die on that cross. But even with the desperate cries of the people, do you think He wasn't afraid? He wasn't riding that donkey like it was his steed and he was a knight in shining armor. Do you think He wasn't wondering why THIS was God's plan for His life? But He was committed. He LOVES us. If love was a feeling, He would have refused. If love was a feeling, He would have pointed out that He was not being treated reciprocally. If He was going to die, then what were we going to do for Him? If love was a feeling, we would all be going to hell. But it's not. It's a commitment. And it was displayed for us, right there on the cross. And even after He died (because of us) and rose, as He ascended into heaven He said "and be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age." Matthew 28:20. AFTER we nailed him to a cross, He STILL won't leave us. THAT is commitment. That is love.
What a perfect example we've all been given on how to love. And what an even more perfect display we've been shown of how when we feel unlovable, someone (God) is committed to us. Nobody can sin enough to negate His love. It is a commitment. Unfailing. Permanent.
Saturday, February 7, 2015
Victory for the People
Cole (n.) - Victory for the People
9 years ago, at this very hour, I was in labor with you, my first born. It was all so peaceful. There was no frenzy. We were all calm and collected. It was very much the opposite of what we anticipated it being. You arrived quickly. Daddy called Grandma to tell her you were on your way at about 6pm and she said "maybe by tomorrow morning". 6 hours later, you were in our arms. Screaming. Both validating us as parents and making us question our newest calling. You were long and skinny and that black hair, it was wild. Only now can I look at you and know how perfectly it fit you. It was always a perfectly arranged mess. I couldn't make it lay down, but every strand fell in line. A curl every here and there. Random cowlicks to keep the game interesting. It was so very perfectly, Cole. As you grew and your personality developed everyone around you was enthralled. We had an email blast among family called "Cole-isms" that went out every few days. You're quick witted. And hilarious. And way too smart. You know how to work a crowd. It terrifies me. At your third birthday party we asked you to pray before pizza. You tucked your 2nd and 3rd little chins down to your chest and reached your little sausage fingers out to hold your cousins' hand and you prayed, "giggle giggle, snort snort, giggle.....God is great, beer is good and people are crazy. Amen." Granny almost died. Not in comical way. And you enjoyed, for the first time, a captivated audience.
You love to laugh. And you love to think. And you love to have space to think. When you were in daycare you spent MANY days in the office of the director and one day she said "I think he just likes to sit in here and read where it's quiet". You are absolutely my son. And I love you. I love your passion. You've always had this deep, pensive furrowed brow thing happening. It's focus. You're taking it all in. You're figuring out how things work. Daddy always says he can see the hamster running. Don't ever stop doing that. Don't ever stop wanting to know how things work and how to fix them. Don't ever stop thinking and wondering and dreaming and reading and learning. When you were 6 we had to take all of the books out of your bedroom because instead of sleeping at night you would read. For hours. In the dark. With a nighlight. You would sneak into the bathroom and read in there at night for better light. And if you weren't reading, you were organizing your stuffed animals. Or bathing them in handsoap and writing their names on the wall of your bedroom in suds. And even though poor monkey died a painful, sudsy death, don't stop. Don't ever stop creating. Don't ever stop being resourceful, innovative, and original. There will always be someone telling you to stop. Don't.
You are kind and compassionate. Don't ever lose that. The time you got a balloon at the store and we passed a little boy in our neighborhood and you made me go back so you could give your balloon to him, the summer you wrote me a love note almost every day as you watched me struggle with your siblings, the way you prayed for David before his name was David, because you know there are children hurting in the world, the way you lay with Brandy at night and lay hands on her, the way you always, always, always apologize for disrespect, bad attitudes or misbehavior without ever being expected to. Don't ever ever stop being these things.
I love the way you love God. He used you, you know. When you were born, we knew that we wanted to be better for you. You gave us a reason to go back to church. We wouldn't have done it on our own. God used you then and He is using you still. All of the nights when you say "we haven't done Bible study yet". God is using you. It takes character and boldness to speak up. And you have those. Don't ever lose them. I love the way that you are working, so hard, on being a good brother. Cole, I am so proud of you. Zella works your nerves hard some days. And you care for her so beautifully. And this last 16 months has been hard on you. You have lived through a lot of emotions and experiences that many adults couldn't handle. And you've done it. And every morning, on the way to school, when you pray for David to have a good day, even though it's hard for you to do, God sees that. He sees that you're praying for him in spite of your relationship with him. And I AM SO PROUD OF YOU.
This birthday thing is really hard for mom. It's hard to watch you grow up. It's hard and it's amazing. Parenting you isn't always easy. But so many days we get to see the awesome stuff. We get to see that you have been paying attention. We get to see that God is working in your life. We get to see a small glimpse of the incredible man you will be when you're an adult. And we are so blessed by you. We were smitten the first time we saw you. And still smitten two hours later when you hadn't stopped crying since your grand entrance. And still, when you hold my hand, when you curl up on the sofa under my arm, when you kiss me on the forehead, I'm still completely in love. And I hold onto every hand hold, every snuggle, every kiss. I know the days are numbered.
Thinking of you now, as a 9 year old, is completely surreal to me. You're my baby. My work buddy. My sidekick. You are also my inspiration. You are a catalyst. You are magnetic. You're my hand holder. My gentle soul. My scientist. My mathematician. My rule regulator. My time keeper. My number cruncher. My food network, Michael Jackson, praise and worship, Green Bay Packer, How it's Made, Lego, never ever wear jeans cause they're too stiff, love a pair of sweat pants, paper airplane, sketchpad and colored pencils precious boy. You're all of these things, and so many more, and still, my baby. My screaming, wild haired, first born. And you always will be. You will never outgrow my love for you.
When we named you (and trust me, it was a LONG process), we had no idea what your name meant. It wasn't until a while after you were born that we learned your name means "victory for the people". And it's so true. You are our victory. And you will be for so many people in the years to come. God has plans to use you that far exceed any plans of greatness you may have (you know, in case the NFL doesn't work out) and we are so blessed to get to watch them unfold.
Happy Birthday, sweet baby boy. You are loved more than you can ever know.
9 years ago, at this very hour, I was in labor with you, my first born. It was all so peaceful. There was no frenzy. We were all calm and collected. It was very much the opposite of what we anticipated it being. You arrived quickly. Daddy called Grandma to tell her you were on your way at about 6pm and she said "maybe by tomorrow morning". 6 hours later, you were in our arms. Screaming. Both validating us as parents and making us question our newest calling. You were long and skinny and that black hair, it was wild. Only now can I look at you and know how perfectly it fit you. It was always a perfectly arranged mess. I couldn't make it lay down, but every strand fell in line. A curl every here and there. Random cowlicks to keep the game interesting. It was so very perfectly, Cole. As you grew and your personality developed everyone around you was enthralled. We had an email blast among family called "Cole-isms" that went out every few days. You're quick witted. And hilarious. And way too smart. You know how to work a crowd. It terrifies me. At your third birthday party we asked you to pray before pizza. You tucked your 2nd and 3rd little chins down to your chest and reached your little sausage fingers out to hold your cousins' hand and you prayed, "giggle giggle, snort snort, giggle.....God is great, beer is good and people are crazy. Amen." Granny almost died. Not in comical way. And you enjoyed, for the first time, a captivated audience.
You love to laugh. And you love to think. And you love to have space to think. When you were in daycare you spent MANY days in the office of the director and one day she said "I think he just likes to sit in here and read where it's quiet". You are absolutely my son. And I love you. I love your passion. You've always had this deep, pensive furrowed brow thing happening. It's focus. You're taking it all in. You're figuring out how things work. Daddy always says he can see the hamster running. Don't ever stop doing that. Don't ever stop wanting to know how things work and how to fix them. Don't ever stop thinking and wondering and dreaming and reading and learning. When you were 6 we had to take all of the books out of your bedroom because instead of sleeping at night you would read. For hours. In the dark. With a nighlight. You would sneak into the bathroom and read in there at night for better light. And if you weren't reading, you were organizing your stuffed animals. Or bathing them in handsoap and writing their names on the wall of your bedroom in suds. And even though poor monkey died a painful, sudsy death, don't stop. Don't ever stop creating. Don't ever stop being resourceful, innovative, and original. There will always be someone telling you to stop. Don't.
You are kind and compassionate. Don't ever lose that. The time you got a balloon at the store and we passed a little boy in our neighborhood and you made me go back so you could give your balloon to him, the summer you wrote me a love note almost every day as you watched me struggle with your siblings, the way you prayed for David before his name was David, because you know there are children hurting in the world, the way you lay with Brandy at night and lay hands on her, the way you always, always, always apologize for disrespect, bad attitudes or misbehavior without ever being expected to. Don't ever ever stop being these things.
I love the way you love God. He used you, you know. When you were born, we knew that we wanted to be better for you. You gave us a reason to go back to church. We wouldn't have done it on our own. God used you then and He is using you still. All of the nights when you say "we haven't done Bible study yet". God is using you. It takes character and boldness to speak up. And you have those. Don't ever lose them. I love the way that you are working, so hard, on being a good brother. Cole, I am so proud of you. Zella works your nerves hard some days. And you care for her so beautifully. And this last 16 months has been hard on you. You have lived through a lot of emotions and experiences that many adults couldn't handle. And you've done it. And every morning, on the way to school, when you pray for David to have a good day, even though it's hard for you to do, God sees that. He sees that you're praying for him in spite of your relationship with him. And I AM SO PROUD OF YOU.
This birthday thing is really hard for mom. It's hard to watch you grow up. It's hard and it's amazing. Parenting you isn't always easy. But so many days we get to see the awesome stuff. We get to see that you have been paying attention. We get to see that God is working in your life. We get to see a small glimpse of the incredible man you will be when you're an adult. And we are so blessed by you. We were smitten the first time we saw you. And still smitten two hours later when you hadn't stopped crying since your grand entrance. And still, when you hold my hand, when you curl up on the sofa under my arm, when you kiss me on the forehead, I'm still completely in love. And I hold onto every hand hold, every snuggle, every kiss. I know the days are numbered.
Thinking of you now, as a 9 year old, is completely surreal to me. You're my baby. My work buddy. My sidekick. You are also my inspiration. You are a catalyst. You are magnetic. You're my hand holder. My gentle soul. My scientist. My mathematician. My rule regulator. My time keeper. My number cruncher. My food network, Michael Jackson, praise and worship, Green Bay Packer, How it's Made, Lego, never ever wear jeans cause they're too stiff, love a pair of sweat pants, paper airplane, sketchpad and colored pencils precious boy. You're all of these things, and so many more, and still, my baby. My screaming, wild haired, first born. And you always will be. You will never outgrow my love for you.
When we named you (and trust me, it was a LONG process), we had no idea what your name meant. It wasn't until a while after you were born that we learned your name means "victory for the people". And it's so true. You are our victory. And you will be for so many people in the years to come. God has plans to use you that far exceed any plans of greatness you may have (you know, in case the NFL doesn't work out) and we are so blessed to get to watch them unfold.
Happy Birthday, sweet baby boy. You are loved more than you can ever know.
Monday, January 12, 2015
About Jeremiah
***NOTE: this is all opinion and what has been placed on my heart. I will NOT debate this topic.***
I've been working on/pondering/mulling over the right words for what has been on my heart now for a couple of weeks. It isn't an easy topic. Especially since I'm a guilty party. But I know that it's been put here on my heart for a purpose, and that if God didn't want me to process it, He would stop planting it in my head. All day. Every day. I decided this morning, after praying and asking God if He was for sure about me feeling and writing this, while Curious George is teaching Zella about recycling, the boys are learning at school and my coffee is still hot, that today is the day. It's time to talk about Jeremiah. Not the man. Not the book of the Bible. But that verse. That one verse that seems to be everywhere.
"For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future'." Jeremiah 29:11
It's funny how when God walks us through hard stuff we grumble, yet without us realizing it, we are moving closer to God. My whole Christian life (which is certainly apart from my whole 31 years) I have known that God's goal for us was to further His kingdom. But I never ever considered what our goals, as Christians should be for ourselves. Until a few weeks ago. Our church did a 3 part series on these big words that don't often get presented in church: propitiation, justification, sanctification. Propitiation is the satisfaction of God's wrath. In dying on the cross, Jesus "satisfied" or fulfilled the wrath of God. Justification is the miracle through which God declares the sinner righteous through Him. And sanctification is the life long process of becoming more Christ like. The sermon on propitiation restored my faith in the gospel being delivered correctly. How many preachers are talking about the wrath of God in the feel good, American church? Not that many. But it's real. We cannot acknowledge the power and might and holiness of the God we serve without also acknowledging that our sin, which is a slap in the face to His holiness and power and might, produces wrath. He is graceful. He is patient. He does love us. He has also written guidelines and instructions for us to live by. Direct disobedience, much like between parents and children here on earth, breeds consequence. That's NOT what Christians today want to hear. BUT it's true! Then on the day that sanctification was broken down, the pastor said "we are working, our whole lives, to be worthy to sit in the presence of the Lord". I felt like a light bulb went off while simultaneously producing shame inside of me. I've been living with the goal of getting to heaven, for the personal gain of sitting at His feet, while all the while, I should be working toward the HONOR of being allowed to sit at His feet. That should be my goal as a Christian. A life full of this sanctification process (that includes the hard stuff that burns off the nasty stuff) in order to create in me a heart worthy of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. How selfish I have been to want heaven, because it's just better than earth. So after I got that, I started trying to figure out how I got to that point. How did I ever imagine that the goal wasn't sanctification? What was it that made me reject the hard stuff in the name of it just being hard, instead of embracing it and thanking God that He was using this "stuff" to draw me closer to Him? And here's what I discovered......
I took the feel good bait. I fed into the idea that God only has "good" plans for me and that my human, American, worldly mind was able to define "good". And I failed to remember that my mind cannot even begin to fathom the depth, breadth, width, height, span of God, so how can I possibly define what "good" and "prosper" and "not harm" mean? Am I able to see from one end of creation to the next? How do I have any idea what is "good" for me or what will prosper me? I don't. Because I'm not God.
And here's where my problem lies. Why is the American church promoting God in a manner that defines Him when clearly our minds aren't capable of doing such a thing? I know so many new Christians that are walking through hard hard things and as soon as "hard" hits they shake their fists at God and at the pastors that led them to the altar under the ruse that God was "good" and that His "good" was defined in the same manner that sinners define "good". How are we standing in church with hands raised and "heart abandoned" but we are still refusing to acknowledge that if we were Kingdom minded, we would recognize that the good plans God has for us, His way of prospering us, His way of not harming us, is not referring to our life here on earth, but it's referencing our eternal life? HIS plan for good for us is purifying us to spend eternity with Him. His plan for not harming us is to get us to eternity where harm can no longer be done to us. His plan to prosper us to put is into the highest place we could ever reach, next to Him.
I have said to people as they struggle "but you know God says He has plans to prosper you and not harm you". I need to stop saying that. Because what it does is it diminishes what God is doing in their lives and makes Christians feel like something is wrong when they are truly just walking through the process of sanctification. Life gets hard. Does that mean it's "bad"? Not always. As sinners, we are historically awesome at screwing up God's plans. But what about the people that ARE walking in His will and ARE walking in obedience and faithful to Him? ONLY God knows a man's heart and the things that need to change in it. ONLY God knows the plans that He has for the faithful. We can't extract one verse from the Bible and feed it to people to sell a God that people don't want to follow when the time for sanctification comes. And it does come. When people say to God, "start a fire down in my soul, God!", He will. When you say "break my heart for what breaks Yours, God!", He'll do it. And how many people will bow out after He does because they can't see the goal is not "good" here on earth, but good for eternity? A lot. I almost did. I have shaken my fist at God. I have argued with Him and distanced myself.......and then crawled back humbly and begging for mercy. Because GOD IS GOOD. But He is so holy, that our definition of "good" can't come close to defining Him.
If you're walking through something really hard right now, and you're walking in obedience, consider what it is that God wants to burn off of you. Consider what your eternal goals are. Consider how God could be sanctifying you to make you worthy of His presence. Because He IS working in you. It might hurt. It might not feel good. We are not immune to tragedy. Any of us. Life is hard and sad and gut wrenching and confusing. But our emotions. Our reactions. Our everyday childishness. None of those things change that HE IS HOLY and He desires for us to one day be with Him. But we have to be pure enough to enter into His presence to ever be able to understand what His good and prosperous plans look like.
A God that requires nothing of us does not exist. He offers us eternal life. And peace. And hope and joy. He is our Protector and our Ruler. Our Father. Our creator. He is all of the things that people that are lost and lonely and desperate need and want and are searching for. He's the light in the darkness. But He requires all of us if we ever want to have all of Him. And all of us, means everything changes, or nothing will ever change. Ouch.
I've been working on/pondering/mulling over the right words for what has been on my heart now for a couple of weeks. It isn't an easy topic. Especially since I'm a guilty party. But I know that it's been put here on my heart for a purpose, and that if God didn't want me to process it, He would stop planting it in my head. All day. Every day. I decided this morning, after praying and asking God if He was for sure about me feeling and writing this, while Curious George is teaching Zella about recycling, the boys are learning at school and my coffee is still hot, that today is the day. It's time to talk about Jeremiah. Not the man. Not the book of the Bible. But that verse. That one verse that seems to be everywhere.
"For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future'." Jeremiah 29:11
It's funny how when God walks us through hard stuff we grumble, yet without us realizing it, we are moving closer to God. My whole Christian life (which is certainly apart from my whole 31 years) I have known that God's goal for us was to further His kingdom. But I never ever considered what our goals, as Christians should be for ourselves. Until a few weeks ago. Our church did a 3 part series on these big words that don't often get presented in church: propitiation, justification, sanctification. Propitiation is the satisfaction of God's wrath. In dying on the cross, Jesus "satisfied" or fulfilled the wrath of God. Justification is the miracle through which God declares the sinner righteous through Him. And sanctification is the life long process of becoming more Christ like. The sermon on propitiation restored my faith in the gospel being delivered correctly. How many preachers are talking about the wrath of God in the feel good, American church? Not that many. But it's real. We cannot acknowledge the power and might and holiness of the God we serve without also acknowledging that our sin, which is a slap in the face to His holiness and power and might, produces wrath. He is graceful. He is patient. He does love us. He has also written guidelines and instructions for us to live by. Direct disobedience, much like between parents and children here on earth, breeds consequence. That's NOT what Christians today want to hear. BUT it's true! Then on the day that sanctification was broken down, the pastor said "we are working, our whole lives, to be worthy to sit in the presence of the Lord". I felt like a light bulb went off while simultaneously producing shame inside of me. I've been living with the goal of getting to heaven, for the personal gain of sitting at His feet, while all the while, I should be working toward the HONOR of being allowed to sit at His feet. That should be my goal as a Christian. A life full of this sanctification process (that includes the hard stuff that burns off the nasty stuff) in order to create in me a heart worthy of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. How selfish I have been to want heaven, because it's just better than earth. So after I got that, I started trying to figure out how I got to that point. How did I ever imagine that the goal wasn't sanctification? What was it that made me reject the hard stuff in the name of it just being hard, instead of embracing it and thanking God that He was using this "stuff" to draw me closer to Him? And here's what I discovered......
I took the feel good bait. I fed into the idea that God only has "good" plans for me and that my human, American, worldly mind was able to define "good". And I failed to remember that my mind cannot even begin to fathom the depth, breadth, width, height, span of God, so how can I possibly define what "good" and "prosper" and "not harm" mean? Am I able to see from one end of creation to the next? How do I have any idea what is "good" for me or what will prosper me? I don't. Because I'm not God.
And here's where my problem lies. Why is the American church promoting God in a manner that defines Him when clearly our minds aren't capable of doing such a thing? I know so many new Christians that are walking through hard hard things and as soon as "hard" hits they shake their fists at God and at the pastors that led them to the altar under the ruse that God was "good" and that His "good" was defined in the same manner that sinners define "good". How are we standing in church with hands raised and "heart abandoned" but we are still refusing to acknowledge that if we were Kingdom minded, we would recognize that the good plans God has for us, His way of prospering us, His way of not harming us, is not referring to our life here on earth, but it's referencing our eternal life? HIS plan for good for us is purifying us to spend eternity with Him. His plan for not harming us is to get us to eternity where harm can no longer be done to us. His plan to prosper us to put is into the highest place we could ever reach, next to Him.
I have said to people as they struggle "but you know God says He has plans to prosper you and not harm you". I need to stop saying that. Because what it does is it diminishes what God is doing in their lives and makes Christians feel like something is wrong when they are truly just walking through the process of sanctification. Life gets hard. Does that mean it's "bad"? Not always. As sinners, we are historically awesome at screwing up God's plans. But what about the people that ARE walking in His will and ARE walking in obedience and faithful to Him? ONLY God knows a man's heart and the things that need to change in it. ONLY God knows the plans that He has for the faithful. We can't extract one verse from the Bible and feed it to people to sell a God that people don't want to follow when the time for sanctification comes. And it does come. When people say to God, "start a fire down in my soul, God!", He will. When you say "break my heart for what breaks Yours, God!", He'll do it. And how many people will bow out after He does because they can't see the goal is not "good" here on earth, but good for eternity? A lot. I almost did. I have shaken my fist at God. I have argued with Him and distanced myself.......and then crawled back humbly and begging for mercy. Because GOD IS GOOD. But He is so holy, that our definition of "good" can't come close to defining Him.
If you're walking through something really hard right now, and you're walking in obedience, consider what it is that God wants to burn off of you. Consider what your eternal goals are. Consider how God could be sanctifying you to make you worthy of His presence. Because He IS working in you. It might hurt. It might not feel good. We are not immune to tragedy. Any of us. Life is hard and sad and gut wrenching and confusing. But our emotions. Our reactions. Our everyday childishness. None of those things change that HE IS HOLY and He desires for us to one day be with Him. But we have to be pure enough to enter into His presence to ever be able to understand what His good and prosperous plans look like.
A God that requires nothing of us does not exist. He offers us eternal life. And peace. And hope and joy. He is our Protector and our Ruler. Our Father. Our creator. He is all of the things that people that are lost and lonely and desperate need and want and are searching for. He's the light in the darkness. But He requires all of us if we ever want to have all of Him. And all of us, means everything changes, or nothing will ever change. Ouch.
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