Erma

It's been a few months since I last wrote. Sometimes the vulnerability of putting my heart on this page far outweighs the benefit of writing it all down. And that's where I've been. Vulnerable. Wondering what was next for us/me and asking God a lot of questions that He won't answer and I shouldn't be asking. I had very good intentions of shutting this blogger account down and just moving on.....me and my marble composition book could get along just fine without this very public open door to scrutiny. But every single time I went to shut it down, I hesitated. And it's the hesitation that made me re-evaluate why I wanted so badly to hide instead of shout from the rooftops. I don't have all (or many) of the answers. Most minutes of most days I am still very certain that I'm 72 shades of cray, but in this very quiet season of my life, turns out, when all of the other noise is turned down, God gets turned up. Not saying that silence has made me holy....no way. I have a temper and I'm prideful and totally allow my emotions to be dictators instead of indicators and I get inside my own head and my self-confidence is straight non-existent. I let comparison steal my joy and struggle with the not-enough (not smart enough, holy enough, prayerful enough, skinny enough, etc.) all day long. I battle daily with identifying myself in Christ and as a wife, mother, person with only 2 arms and 97 tasks required of them simultaneously. I DO NOT HAVE IT ALL TOGETHER (or any of it after I just read that last sentence back to myself). And I think God loves it. He loves that I am a mess. In my mess, He gets to rescue me. In my rescuing, my vulnerability is His to reassure. He keeps me in this place, because the very difficult person that I am, would otherwise not allow Him to hold me or forgive me or show me grace. And so today, as I spent a lot of the day frustrated, God worked some things out for me....and created a few new things on the docket for working.

In April 2012 I was driving home one day from work and sobbing to God. He had burdened me with a heart for the fatherless, and my hands were tied as I waited patiently for adoption to become a part of our lives. I will never EVER forgot that prayer....."God, why would you give me this burden if it isn't part of Your plan for us? WHY would You break my heart just for the sake of it being broken? God, if adoption is NOT in Your will for our family, then please, God, just give me peace....". I couldn't understand it. I couldn't wrap my brain around the fact that it took years for God to get me back to Him, and when He did He broke me and then just left me in the waiting room for what felt like eternity. Just a week or so later, in a literal miracle, adoption became a part of our lives and God began rolling out His next phase for us. David has been home for just over 2 years.....and the burden is still mine to bear. There was a little girl at the orphanage....there are so many left behind. I dream of kids in like 8 different countries (that's not scary or anything).....I will never forgive myself for leaving her behind. Ever. When I say that to people sometimes I get the mouth agape, deer in the headlights stare.....because this adoption and foster care stuff, it's hard, people. HARD. It's beautiful and necessary and emotional and exciting and so so many things. But it's also hard. So many children, so so hurt and so so broken and traumatized and sick and malnourished and developmentally delayed and all factors accounted for sometimes the rainbows are hard to see but they're still there. And the hardest part.....is thinking about where they would be if they were still in the orphanage.  But let me just be for real.....

A LOT OF DAYS COMPLETELY SUCK. A BIG BUCKET OF SUCK.
And that doesn't change a thing. It doesn't change the mountains God moved to make him a Kubnick. It doesn't change the value of this childs life. It doesn't change that God does not make mistakes. It doesn't change that before he was created in his mothers womb, God knew he would become an orphan........and David was created anyways. It doesn't change that I fight for him every day.....no matter what. And no amount of suck changes that I tell him that....."I LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT".  It does not at all change that during those bucket of suck days when I say "God, WHYYYYYYYY did you give this child that needs so much healing, to someone who needs so much healing? We are hot messes together! Surely there was someone better!" And you know what He says, "it doesn't matter why. Because I said GO and if you trust Me, that's all you need to know". He's always right. But in these moments, these are the moments that I know, I would do this crazy ride again tomorrow if God called both of us. I have family members reading this right now (cause y'all know family knows our crazy on a deeper level) and they're saying "nooooooo........" but yes. I would. In a heartbeat. Because the burden doesn't go away. THE BIBLICAL MANDATE DOESN'T GO AWAY. And now that God has opened my eyes, how can I possibly stand in front of Him at judgement and say "well see, God, what had happened was......once we adopted that one child, it was SUPER hard and so we just kind of figured we met our quota....". If there is a list of "Things you gotta do to get through the gates" and one of the things is "Orphan Care", you know what? I cannot check the box. Know why? Because my son is no longer an orphan. He was. But he has a family now. And the day we said yes, the check in that box got erased. So why am I on this topic today? Because.....

TODAY IS ORPHAN SUNDAY. AND EVERY SINGLE DAY SHOULD BE ORPHAN DAY. THAT'S HOW BIG AND DIRE THE NEED IS AND THAT'S HOW CLOSE THIS IS TO GOD'S HEART. AND EVEN TODAY, ON THIS SPECIAL DAY SPECIFICALLY DESIGNATED TO BRING LIGHT TO THE ORPHAN CRISIS IN THE WORLD, MANY PEOPLE INCLUDING CHURCHES AND ENTIRE CONGREGATIONS OF CHRISTIANS TURNED THEIR HEADS AND WALKED AWAY.

And it's maddening. It infuriates me. It makes me sick to my stomach some days that other people aren't burdened the way that I am. The way that my friends (who also sometimes have bucket of suck days with their trauma kids) are burdened and so they say yes over and over and over while others sit by and tell them how amazing they are. I can't even lie, I have a few adoption friends that when they talk the songs of angels come out of their mouths because they really are amazing but you know what? Most of us are not categorically amazing. Most of us are EXACTLY LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. Most of us are quite broken. Most of us have been healed of that brokenness and we know new life. Most of us fail most days. Most of us spend more time on our knees in a prayer closet in the back of the house than we do taking pictures frolicking through meadows with our multi-racial children (have you seen that brochure?! Bless it.). Most of us, we're not any special kind of amazing. Sometimes we don't even really like our kids. But we love them. And we will fight for them. And a lot of us, we will fight for the ones that don't have moms, too. And most of us, we get super upset when we realize that we are the only ones fighting. When we realize that churches aren't stepping up. When we realize how simple and easy the solution is to the foster/adopt issue that is not just a national problem but a global epidemic. And this was me today. I was mad. Mad that I can't do more. Because the weight of the burden......oh the weight.

Throughout today God has helped carry the weight. He knows my needs. Just like He knows yours. And He has reminded me today that the body of Christ is like a machine. Each of us given a job and expected to complete that job to His standards. That my burden, this is not everyone's burden. God's heart isn't ONLY for orphan care. He uses us all according to His will. But are we all allowing Him to burden us to a point of being used? What has He put on your heart? Maybe it's the homeless population or maybe it's finding ways to get clean drinking water into remote 3rd world countries and villages. Maybe its feeding local children meals on the weekends because they don't have access to school cafeteria food. Maybe it's animals. Maybe it's the elderly or maybe it's troubled youth. Tonight as I am allowing my anger to subside, I am wondering, how many Christians are just being useful and not being used? There is a difference. God created us all with the ability to be used. But are we allowing Him to do so in a way that will truly impact His Kingdom? Or are we just hoping that someone else prays with that homeless vet on the corner.....waiting for someone else to become a certified foster family......making excuses to God that the quota was already met with that 1 thing that 1 time.

Can I encourage you to pray tonight about that burden that you have tucked away in your heart and mind that you don't tell anyone about because it's all kinds of crazy? GOD PUT IT THERE FOR A REASON. HE WANTS TO USE YOU. We can't keep ignoring Him. I will never forget reading the book "Kisses for Katie" by Katie Davis. This was before adoption was part of our lives and she said "pray about adoption. God won't say no." I did. He didn't say no. It makes me wonder....how many of us are NOT praying about that thing God put on our hearts, out of fear that He will say yes?

 God reminded me today of my favorite quote.....

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything You gave me'." - Erma Bombeck

I think we forget sometimes that God created each of us, individually, with purpose. He gave you every single piece of you, so that He could use those pieces. He does not make mistakes.

Pray. About adoption and foster care. About that dream He helped you create. About being used.....and not just useful.