I've officially been a stay at home for just over 2 months now. I've spent more time with my family in the last two months than I have in years. And it can be frustrating.....and there are times when I want to just go for a run to get away from it (I HATE running).....and then there are times, many many more of these than the aforementioned, where I stop, breathe it in and thank God for the moment, for the sunshine, for the nothing to do-ness of a summer day, for little children that actually like me in spite of my monsterish tendencies, for the chance to soak them in, for the opportunity to love my husband without being pressed for time....because this season will pass just as quickly as the last and the next. Jake and I sat on the beach two days ago talking about God and our dreams. There are days when I feel like we aren't doing enough for God. Surely we should be acting and sacrificing and serving more outside of our home right now....and Jake, my steady, said to me "maybe right where we are, is where God wants us for right now. Did you ever think that He gave us this time, to just be still?" Oh how I love this man. I know Jake's right. This time is teach us. This time is to force us into stillness. I don't want to miss the lessons that are being taught in every single day. Here are a few things that I've learned as I've really really stopped and paid attention:
1. The hardest, absolute hardest part of my every single day is fighting selfishness. Any Mom that says that she doesn't occasionally think to herself "there's nobody cutting the crust off my bread and putting my clean underwear away. there's nobody serving me dinner first and there's nobody allowing me to have quiet time for 2 hours every afternoon.....why should I do it for them?" Its a fight being a good Mom. But what's the result? My prayer is that the result is children that grow up knowing the Lord, and never depart from His ways (Proverbs 22:6). My prayer is that one day my little girl will remember that Mommy wore hot pink jelly bracelets and Minnie Mouse ears and ate her fake cookies in leiu of a hot shower. Or that my son will remember that when Mom really really needed to paint those jars for a little extra money, that we went on a bike ride instead. My prayer is that one day my son will lead his family in Bible study each morning at the butt crack of dawn as his kids complain about having to do it. My prayer is that one day my little girl will smile as her family gags down a terrible meal that she spent all day long cooking.....and the next day, in spite of her failure, she will provide a meal for them again. My prayer is that they remember our hands touching them in the middle of the night and the whispered prayers for guidance in parenting and that when they fail, because they will, just like we do, they know how to ask forgiveness, and have full knowledge that they are covered by God's grace.
2. I made a lot of mistakes in my early parenting days. I look at some of Cole's OCD tendencies and I think to myself, "I did that to him". I believe that. My over-obessive first time Mom, over mothering completely screwed up the little boy in him. He never had on dirty clothes, never had dirty hands, always had a clean face, never had a scraped knee, the list goes on....because I was there, every single second, making sure that he was "perfect". Here's where I screwed up. He was perfect anyways. He still is. None of that outside stuff matters. I never ever let him be little. And now my Zella is 3.5. And her first year of life was tumultuous with her tummy stuff and before I knew it she was 1 and then 2 and now 3.5 and really and truly, I've missed it. Almost all of it. If I had to do it all over again......I would. This time, as a Christian. I know that our values weren't in the right place when we bought a house contingent on two incomes and sent our kids off to daycare. I'm not knocking any mother that works - good for you! - but for our family, we were driven by greed, not by contentment. And now that I'm here, at home, my prayer has shifted to making up for lost time. I pray that Cole and Zella will give me a few more years before they don't need me anymore. I've missed so so much. I'm praying that God blesses us with a few more "arrows in the quiver". They are truly blessings. Even when they drive me insane.....its a blessing. Psalm 127:3-5
3. I am not as organized or time efficient as I once thought. This explains itself. I struggle to get more than one scheduled task accomplished each day. Homeschool Moms, you are my heros. For real. FOR REAL. Last night we played UNO and Jake held the number 4 card up and said "Zella, what number is this?" she replied "22!!!". So there you go. Anybody need an extra student this summer? LOL. Also, God bless the women at daycare, the pre-teachers, that teach kids how to read, write, count and wipe from front to back. You are saints and your heroic efforts on a daily basis are not lost on me.
4. There is no end to housework. How did I EVER do this when I worked? Seriously. If my dog blows one more winter coat I will have vacuumed up enough hair to make a parka. The dust is endless. How is this possible? It. Never. Ends. BUT........Proverbs 31:26-27.
5. I've lost friends. I have changed. Everything has changed. And while it's painful, it has to be ok. I can't be one foot in, and one foot out. And you know, I might be doing this all wrong. I might be throwing myself way too much into my family and not focusing on myself and every woman needs alone time and all that jazz. I do believe that all women need time to regroup. Sometimes just a pee break with no one needing a snack in the middle of it is the most refreshing part of my day.....the real friends are the ones that understand that I have chosen to be a Christian, wife, and mother before all other things....the real friends are the ones that call anyways. They're the ones that don't judge me even when our beliefs don't line up. They're the ones that when I'm a flaky friend and haven't called in two months because well, there's that time management thing again, they're the ones that still love me for me, not what I can or can't do for them. You know who you are. Thank you for being faithful.
I've learned more about myself in the last 2 months than I thought possible. Its been humbling, and hard, and there were days when I cried and cried thinking that I made a huge mistake in leaving work. Sure, there are things that we still struggle through every day. We are human. Some days are better than others. Some days are sunshiney and butterflies and rainbows and some days I'm on my knees all day just praying that bed time will hurry up because mama's last nerve is almost broken. But with every fight that we throw ourselves into.........nobody ever said it would be easy, but it will be worth it. Phillippians 1:6
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