It hit me like a load of bricks this week that I no longer have a baby. She's a toddler now. A sassy, girly girl, laugh out loud, obsessed with shoes and wear her pearls to the beach little girl. Seems like every day someone comments to me how long her hair is getting and how her smile is contagious. Her vocabulary seems like it went from Mommy, Daddy, and Bubba to 100 different words overnight. Yes, she calls Cole Harrison "Bubba" and yes, it's one of the sweetest sounds we've ever heard. There are days when I look at her and can't believe that she's mine. First of all, because she's so amazing, and second of all, because the year of sleepless nights and screaming and awful reactions to what seemed like anything that went into her mouth seems like it was yesterday.
There are things that she does that remind me that she is Cole's little sister. She has the same passion for books that he had as a toddler and still has today. She has the very same strong will that he had, but I think her grip is stronger ;) She has the same squeal when you tickle the fat rolls on her legs and the same chunky monkey cheeks that I can't stop kissing. But there are differences too. Cole is demanding, but Zella is frantic. He'll say my name repeatedly, but she will scream it like she's in pain until you acknowledge her. Poor kid. Got her mama's anxiety ;) When Cole first started daycare at 16 months one of his first teachers pointed out to us that he doesn't do well amidst chaos. He only functions well in structured environments. If there is no structure, he would remove himself and quietly read a book. With Zella, if there is chaos, you can bet your money on the fact that she's not only standing in the middle of it, she's probably orchestrating the madness. She walks into the classroom every morning at school and the kids flock to her like she's a lifesized Elmo. And what does she do? She waves and smiles. Smiles and waves.
On Friday I took her in for her 18 month well check (she was 19 months on Sep. 11). There was a time when we would walk into the pediatricians' office and the nurses would just wave us back without waiting. Dr. Lowe joked that he was going to put a plaque in "our room" because within a year we had payed for it. No kidding. That's how often we were there. Multiple food protein intolerance and food protein induced entercolitis (FPIES) led to rapid weight loss, intestinal infections, kidney infections, thrush time after time, ear infections, skin infections....the list could go on. Her name, "zella" means "lacking nothing". Oh the irony when we found out that she was literally "lacking" the enzyme to break down certain proteins. I hadn't slept more than 2 consecutive hours since she was born. She hadn't slept more than 2 consecutive hours. Our entire house suffered. And we would all, every one of us, do it again.
I will never ever ever forget when Jake and I reached our breaking point. It's amazing the timing. No, it's God's timing. We went to church one Sunday and had decided to have her annointed with oil because that's where we were. We had exhausted OUR efforts. That same Sunday Jake answered an altar call and rededicated his life to God. Shortly after that we found Dr. Patel in Columbia with Palmetto Pediatric Gastro. Within a month of her annointing, and Jake's answer to God's call, Zella was a different baby. And our family was starting to heal, from the inside out, just like Zella's tummy.
Last month Zella had her first reaction in about 6 months. There was a very real 48 hour reminder of how life used to be on a daily basis. But this time, instead of panicking, and crying and exhausting ourselves with hypothetical scenarios, we prayed. And we made it.
After the last 18 months and the lessons we've learned, I can't ignore Zella's effect on our lives. Not just the idea that she's our second child and naturally things will change with that. But that God used her. Before she even knew Him, He knew her. And He had a plan for her and still has a plan for her. And in her amazing smile and happy disposition through the chaos, she was a blessing to our family. And now, Cole and all of his unending energy is being used in the same way. God is using the things that mean the most to me and Jake, Cole and Zella, to continually bring us to our knees and remember that it's His plan, NOT OURS. He makes ALL things work together for our good.
EVERY BABY IS A BLESSING. And we are truly blessed.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Poop Pants and Ezekiel Bread
I started this blog almost a week ago and that's exactly how long I've been hemming and hawing over what my first post would be about. I thought "oh I haven't added the pictures yet" or "don't be such a negative nancy and don't write about the issues in life". Truth is, life is kinda heavy sometimes. I get really really discouraged reading blogs from women that "have it all together". So you mean to tell me that your husband is so unbelievably amazing ALL the time that you never ever feel the urge to kick him and that your kids are so well behaved and angelic regardless of the setting that you have NO stress in your life? I'm sorry, we can't be friends. It's those women, the ones that are too afraid of imperfection to admit it, it's those women that make the rest of us feel like we're doing something wrong. So here it is......my first blog post. And it's 100% real.
Cole Harrison started kindergarten on Aug. 15th. The first two weeks of school were literally spent talking on the phone with the teacher, emailing the teacher, or on our knees praying that we wouldn't ever hear from the teacher again. I'm that mom. I got so angry thinking this lady was singling my kid out and that just wasn't going to fly with this mama. Despite my anger, frustration, sadness, etc. we pulled out all the stops every morning before school. We were to the point about 5 days into school that we were laying hands and praying before we even pulled out of the driveway in the morning. I never thought that something like Cole starting school would completely consume both Jake and myself. I spent countless hours doing the research...Focusonthefamily.com and ADHD/ADD and Section 504 and gifted testing and anything under the sun that I could think of that would be an explanation for my Cole's behavior. It was exhausting. Somewhere in that time Jake and I decided (which translates into, Jake finally convinced me) to just be patient. That we prayed about it and God doesn't send us a text message with an answer when ask a question. I am not a patient person. But then....Cole had a good day. And he had another good day. And God reminded us that He was there the whole time. Week 3 rolled around and M, T, W were the same as before. Phone call, email, phone call. I forgot every single email and every single phone call when Cole, with his tiny little Vienna sausage finger pointing to each of the words, read us a story on Wednesday night. Word for word. No assistance. No mistakes. He finished and he sat back and looked at Jake and then he looked at me and the grin on his face made any amount of frustration that had mounted dissipate. I have never been so proud of him. God surely knew that the next day at school Cole would poop in his pants and this was the build up before the crash down. Let's hope he keeps on learning to read because the emails and phone calls have only slowed down, not stopped completely ;)
All the while praying for Cole, Jake and I talked about some of our dreams. And that's when the loop in the roller coaster that puts you completely upside down where the blood feels like it's going to pop your eyeballs out happens. We have this dream of expanding of our family. Of following God's calling and instructions and bringing more children into our home. And this happens with Cole, or I see other young mothers who seem to have so much patience and clear vision for God's purpose in their lives, and I am the first to doubt. The first to doubt that I'm able. The first to doubt that this is God's plan for our lives. The first to doubt that children would benefit by being in our home. And it's heartbreaking. Jake was at work one night and I spent a solid hour crying over the defeat. The defeat of realizing that we haven't even started our journey and I'm already weary. Already weary in wondering if I'm a good enough mother. And weary in letting the devil convince me that I'm not. And I start to wonder.....God sees all sins to be equal. Does He look at mothers that way? I mean, truly, each of us is a hero in our own way. He's given us each our own amazing qualities that will get passed to these beautiful blessings that we call children.....but we are all very different. I would love to think that He sees us all the same. That when He calls His followers to take care of the poor and the needy and the orphaned and widowed that the call doesn't go out to only moms that homeschool, bake their own Ezekiel bread on the same day of every week, and keep the pleats in their apron perfect. Maybe that's just my wishful thinking.....
Cole Harrison started kindergarten on Aug. 15th. The first two weeks of school were literally spent talking on the phone with the teacher, emailing the teacher, or on our knees praying that we wouldn't ever hear from the teacher again. I'm that mom. I got so angry thinking this lady was singling my kid out and that just wasn't going to fly with this mama. Despite my anger, frustration, sadness, etc. we pulled out all the stops every morning before school. We were to the point about 5 days into school that we were laying hands and praying before we even pulled out of the driveway in the morning. I never thought that something like Cole starting school would completely consume both Jake and myself. I spent countless hours doing the research...Focusonthefamily.com and ADHD/ADD and Section 504 and gifted testing and anything under the sun that I could think of that would be an explanation for my Cole's behavior. It was exhausting. Somewhere in that time Jake and I decided (which translates into, Jake finally convinced me) to just be patient. That we prayed about it and God doesn't send us a text message with an answer when ask a question. I am not a patient person. But then....Cole had a good day. And he had another good day. And God reminded us that He was there the whole time. Week 3 rolled around and M, T, W were the same as before. Phone call, email, phone call. I forgot every single email and every single phone call when Cole, with his tiny little Vienna sausage finger pointing to each of the words, read us a story on Wednesday night. Word for word. No assistance. No mistakes. He finished and he sat back and looked at Jake and then he looked at me and the grin on his face made any amount of frustration that had mounted dissipate. I have never been so proud of him. God surely knew that the next day at school Cole would poop in his pants and this was the build up before the crash down. Let's hope he keeps on learning to read because the emails and phone calls have only slowed down, not stopped completely ;)
All the while praying for Cole, Jake and I talked about some of our dreams. And that's when the loop in the roller coaster that puts you completely upside down where the blood feels like it's going to pop your eyeballs out happens. We have this dream of expanding of our family. Of following God's calling and instructions and bringing more children into our home. And this happens with Cole, or I see other young mothers who seem to have so much patience and clear vision for God's purpose in their lives, and I am the first to doubt. The first to doubt that I'm able. The first to doubt that this is God's plan for our lives. The first to doubt that children would benefit by being in our home. And it's heartbreaking. Jake was at work one night and I spent a solid hour crying over the defeat. The defeat of realizing that we haven't even started our journey and I'm already weary. Already weary in wondering if I'm a good enough mother. And weary in letting the devil convince me that I'm not. And I start to wonder.....God sees all sins to be equal. Does He look at mothers that way? I mean, truly, each of us is a hero in our own way. He's given us each our own amazing qualities that will get passed to these beautiful blessings that we call children.....but we are all very different. I would love to think that He sees us all the same. That when He calls His followers to take care of the poor and the needy and the orphaned and widowed that the call doesn't go out to only moms that homeschool, bake their own Ezekiel bread on the same day of every week, and keep the pleats in their apron perfect. Maybe that's just my wishful thinking.....
Friday, September 2, 2011
Yep.....I finally started a blog!
This is my first ever blog post. I have to say I'm thrilled! Our family is growing and changing every single day, and I feel like, without sitting down and being able to gather my thoughts, there's really no way for me to share all of the amazing things in our lives, with just a phone call. So here it is, the Kubnick family blog. Stay tuned......exciting posts to come!
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