There's a joke in our house (ok, kind of a joke, kind of not a joke) these days. It goes like this......"what does God do with two Christians that are control freaks?" "He sends them to Ukraine". (Insert uncomfortable laughter) Why is this a joke? Because this is our story.
Jake and I are overthinkers, overplanners, overanticipators. We are both strong personalities that understand our responsibility in things like paying the bills on time, keeping our kids on a schedule and making sure that other drivers are made aware when they fail to follow basic safety rules like using turn signals ;) We planned for both of our children based on our financial stability at the time. At the beginning of each year, a new planner is better than Christmas morning for me. Jake did a bodybuilding competition just because he thought it was amazing that meal planning and calorie counting and responsible eating could transform his body. We take the things handed to us and hold onto them with pride in knowing that we will perform the task well with the skills we have been equipped with. WE will accomplish the goal. This was us 9 months ago. And then God whispered "Ukraine".
I had been praying about adoption for two years. In those two years I had envisioned the only type of adoptive family I had ever known......and it included brown babies with braids and sparkly white teeth. I had never considered the "where" even when my heart was quite certain of the "what". And somewhere in that two years of me being a not so quiet influence over Jake, he started quietly talking to God about adoption. And God painted an entirely different picture for Jake, than what I had painted in my mind. Jake had been privately praying about and researching adoption and one night, very randomly and pretty much shockingly, he said to me "ok. So hypothetically, if we were to adopt, have you thought about where, age or gender?" After I left the room and gained my composure I told him that I hadn't considered those things and he replied, "I think there's a 5 year old little boy in Ukraine for us." And our journey began.
A FEW FUN FACTS:
Ukraine is one of very few countries in the world that does not allow for pre-selection in the adoption process (unless it is a much older child or a child with severe special needs). You are able to specify age range and gender, but there is no catalog of faces or list of waiting children to choose from (there are exceptions to this.....we aren't one of those exceptions). When we arrive in Ukraine, we will be given 2 or 3 medical records. We will go over the medical records with our translator and pray and decide which child, or children, we would like to meet. Our facilitator has done over 1,000 adoptions. Only once has the first choice not been perfect. Ukraine does not allow children under the age of 5 to be adopted to non-Ukrainian citizens, unless the child younger than the age of 5 is sibling to a child over the age of 5. We are open to siblings. But will have no idea if we will be traveling home with one or two children until we are there. In fact, I feel certain there will be 2. We did not specify gender, but did say we would like for Cole to remain the oldest child in our family. So we will be adopting ages 7 and under. Because there is no pre-selection, the entire process, from start to finish, must be completed upon travel to Ukraine, which makes the average trip anywhere from 3-8 weeks. We have no idea how long we will be required to be in Ukraine. We are preparing, financially, for 4 weeks of lodging, food, and other in country expenses. Ukraine does not deal with adoption agencies. "Oh what agency did you use?" "Me". Yes, I'm it. We have a facilitator, but her main job is to introduce us to our translator. I'm it......and I'm no expert.
These are the things we discovered at the beginning of our journey. And every time we stopped and said "God, these are BIG hurdles for us. How are we going to prepare if there are so many unknowns? Is Ukraine REALLY the place you want us?" and each time, God would open a door and say "yes. Keep moving." I had extreme doubt about Ukraine in the beginning. Turns out, it was my fear of letting Jake lead our family. And then Jake said, "this is our Jericho. Lets pray circles around it for 7 days, and the walls will fall." And we did. NO matter where we were, at work, on a girls trip to Jacksonville, no matter where, every day we prayed that God would show us exactly where He wanted us. And on the 7th day, a friend of ours, not knowing our struggle, made the public statement, "Jake and McKenzee are adopting from Ukraine. They have some doubt about it, but God told me that's where they're supposed to be." And our blind walk of faith began.
We have kept moving. There have been days that have been hard. There have been days where it felt like our feet were stuck in quick sand. We could keep trekking and keep pulling them out and every time we got our footing we would lose it again and be on our faces. And then something amazing would happen. Friends would call us to hang out and then hand us a check with the most random number on it ever and say "God told me that this is what you needed". Confirmation. Confirmation that from obedience, comes blessing. Confirmation to just keep moving.
There have been SO MANY DELAYS for us. Stupid delays over things like stamps and name misspellings and paperwork schmaperwork. And now.....we realize, the delays were necessary. Jake and I both realized this week that adoption isn't really about adoption at all. Does God tell us to look after widows and orphans in their distress? ABSOLUTELY. Does He require of us, the same type of compassion that He showed us on the cross? WITHOUT QUESTION. But in order to get to that point, in order to understand His love for the least of these, we have to be close enough to Him to hear His whispers. Our faith in Him must be so bold that we will follow Him wherever He asks, even when it makes NO sense at all. And that's where the delays have brought us. They've brought us to the place where we are 100% aware that those people we were 9 months ago.....they are cast aside. We CANNOT DO THIS ALONE. We need His compassion and grace and mercy every day. We have been adopted.
And now our hearts are ready. Our paperwork is almost ready. But our bank accounts are not.
God has blessed us with two incredible jobs that have allowed us to save some of my paychecks and every extra penny along the way. He has called out friends of ours (and one AMAZING private donor) to donate to us in some of the most selfless ways I have ever seen...giving money, volunteering, taking time away from their families to peddle whatever item we had for sale that week. We have had so many yard sales at our house that people will drive by occasionally on a Saturday just to see if we're selling anything! We've done church fundraisers and sold more bracelets than I ever thought we could. We have been driven to tears by every volunteer, every prayer warrior, every friend and family member that has said "we are standing with you". And this week Jake and I have been praying about this last little bit. These last $5,500.00. This week, I watched God show up and show off with a friend of ours thats adopting from Uganda. God started pouring donations out as He called up family after family to give. And my sweet friend said to me, "I keep reminding myself when I feel guilty about the money, that they aren't giving to us, they are giving because God told them to. They are giving because out of obedience, I asked, and God honored that obedience." This week, as Jake and I prayed, God told us to ask.
We have been met, penny for penny, by a God that loves us and cares for us "as deep as the ocean". We believe that He asks us to "do for one, what we wish we could do for them all" and that "one man's obedience can be another mans miracle". Can you be part of our miracle? Do you feel like God wants to use you, in our lives, and in the lives of orphans? Will you please pray with us? We are praying for $5,500.00. We are praying for our dossier to be cleared next week. We are praying for a court date ASAP and a short and expeditious process once in Ukraine. We are praying for protection over our children as they wait for us. We are praying for the children that won't be coming home with us, that their families will find them soon.
To those of you that have walked with us through this journey, to those of you who prayed for us before we ever embarked on this journey, for those of you that already love the children that we will bring home, for those of you that cherish Cole and Zella and love and support our family regardless of our ups and downs, thank you. From the bottom of our hearts, thank you. We are almost there!
If you feel led, our paypal address is: kubs_atc@hotmail.com
For a tax deductible donation, you can send checks to Praise Assembly of God, Praise Adopts, P.O. Box 596, Port Royal, SC 29935 and put Kubnick Adoption in the memo line.
OR The Kubnicks, 91 Heritage Parkway, Bluffton, SC 29910.
Thank you all and God bless!
"for this reason, I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that youm being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lords holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurable more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him the the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:14-21
Monday, January 28, 2013
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Value
We spent some of our night last night and most of our day today, with people that LOVE children. We are a part of a ministry at our church (Praise Adopts) that serves as a support system for adopting families. Today, we did a huge yard sale at our church to help raise funds for three families in the process of adoption. Ourselves ( you know our story), a sweet family with one son, adopted in '11 from China, that is adopting from China again, and another amazing family with 3 little girls, 1 baby boy, and two sons waiting for them in Uganda. And we were surrounded all day by people that genuinely love our families. They were out there all morning and afternoon digging through other peoples stuff, moving boxes, sharing our stories with shoppers, smiling, laughing with all of our kids, doing what they could do to help us bring our kids home. Not because anyone told them they had to. But because they value children. Because they love Jesus. And I stood there today in the sunshine talking to an adopting Mama about upcoming fees......and while she was talking I was watching at least 5 kids riding bikes in the parking lot, one on a pogo stick, one on a trampoline and one literally sitting in a pile of clothes on the ground and my heart broke......"how can you possibly put a price tag on that?"
And I look at this MONSTROUS amount of money that is needed between these three families to get their babies home, and I have full faith that God will show up with every single necessary penny because God sets the lonely in families........but that doesn't make the idea any easier to tolerate.
In this world, our moral radar has fallen so far off the edge, that we have started to"value" children so little that they now have a price tag. Think about that.
We value children so little, that close to 167 million of them, must now be purchased.
A Russian adoption today can cost around $70,000.00. For one child. A Ugandan adoption, $25,000.00. A Dominican Republic adoption, $33,000.00. And people will say "then why don't you just adopt in the US. We have plenty of orphans here. We need to take care of our own." See, in the US, the children are valued so little, that parents that do awful things to children, are still given the benefit of the doubt, and custody.Children, who are given a second chance and adopted by a family, are still able to be taken away when bio-Mom decides 5 years down the road that she changed her mind. Because it takes OVER A YEAR for state run child protection agencies to certify a home as a foster home and then who knows how long until you get your first placement. Because kids in the US, whether in foster homes or group homes throw temper tantrums on Christmas because they didn't get an Ipad. Children in International orphanages cry at night because their stomachs have been empty for days because there are too many children to feed and not enough food. Because two weeks ago, Putin signed a bill that bans Americans from adopting children from Russia and to date, the great president of the USA has remained silent. SILENT. The same president that wants to pass 22 different weapons bills in the name of protecting our children, doesn't have even a single word to say about the 700,000+ children in Russia that just had a door closed for some of their futures? The same president that wouldn't fight for the adoption tax credit to also be a refund so that more families would be able to afford the exorbitant cost of adopting, whether domestic or international.
To the people out there that still love and cherish all of the little children of the world enough to not care about the price, to the ones that weep at the sound of pitter pattering feet or belly laughs and are willing to fight to hear that sound, for the foster parents that love children only for a short time and then are forced to let them go, for the ones that say "the more the merrier" and go without just to make room for one more, for the ones that realize that God will provide where He has called you.....thank you. For seeing the value and not the price tag. For teaching kids that they are loveable.
Adoption agency fees - $15,000
In country fees - $10,000
Travel expenses - $7,000
The moment your child realizes that you are the one that will love them, when they thought they were unloveable, that you fought for them, that you value them - priceless.
*If I'm wrong about the President not making a statement on Russia, PLEASE correct me. I've looked everywhere and I can't find it. I also understand that everyone has opinions on this. I'm not trying to start any arguments. This is MY blog.....so this is where I express MY opinions.*
And I look at this MONSTROUS amount of money that is needed between these three families to get their babies home, and I have full faith that God will show up with every single necessary penny because God sets the lonely in families........but that doesn't make the idea any easier to tolerate.
In this world, our moral radar has fallen so far off the edge, that we have started to"value" children so little that they now have a price tag. Think about that.
We value children so little, that close to 167 million of them, must now be purchased.
A Russian adoption today can cost around $70,000.00. For one child. A Ugandan adoption, $25,000.00. A Dominican Republic adoption, $33,000.00. And people will say "then why don't you just adopt in the US. We have plenty of orphans here. We need to take care of our own." See, in the US, the children are valued so little, that parents that do awful things to children, are still given the benefit of the doubt, and custody.Children, who are given a second chance and adopted by a family, are still able to be taken away when bio-Mom decides 5 years down the road that she changed her mind. Because it takes OVER A YEAR for state run child protection agencies to certify a home as a foster home and then who knows how long until you get your first placement. Because kids in the US, whether in foster homes or group homes throw temper tantrums on Christmas because they didn't get an Ipad. Children in International orphanages cry at night because their stomachs have been empty for days because there are too many children to feed and not enough food. Because two weeks ago, Putin signed a bill that bans Americans from adopting children from Russia and to date, the great president of the USA has remained silent. SILENT. The same president that wants to pass 22 different weapons bills in the name of protecting our children, doesn't have even a single word to say about the 700,000+ children in Russia that just had a door closed for some of their futures? The same president that wouldn't fight for the adoption tax credit to also be a refund so that more families would be able to afford the exorbitant cost of adopting, whether domestic or international.
To the people out there that still love and cherish all of the little children of the world enough to not care about the price, to the ones that weep at the sound of pitter pattering feet or belly laughs and are willing to fight to hear that sound, for the foster parents that love children only for a short time and then are forced to let them go, for the ones that say "the more the merrier" and go without just to make room for one more, for the ones that realize that God will provide where He has called you.....thank you. For seeing the value and not the price tag. For teaching kids that they are loveable.
Adoption agency fees - $15,000
In country fees - $10,000
Travel expenses - $7,000
The moment your child realizes that you are the one that will love them, when they thought they were unloveable, that you fought for them, that you value them - priceless.
*If I'm wrong about the President not making a statement on Russia, PLEASE correct me. I've looked everywhere and I can't find it. I also understand that everyone has opinions on this. I'm not trying to start any arguments. This is MY blog.....so this is where I express MY opinions.*
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Where We Are
I am going to try my very hardest to not bore you with adoption process details. There are procedures and form numbers and yada yada yada that truly just don't matter. Here's the basic breakdown......we've had some setbacks. We had a few things with our immigration paperwork that that had to be corrected before we were able to get our final approval letter. We made those corrections and received our immigration approval letter on Dec. 31. Praise God! We are currently collecting the last few documents for our dossier and our prayer/plan/goal is to have our dossier in Ukraine at the latest, Feb. 1. Now let me backtrack......
We are members of a group called FRUA (Families for Russian & Ukrainian Adoption). For a week about two weeks before Christmas I had been following the news threads on our FRUA boards about Putin putting a ban on Americans being able to adopt from Russia. When I read the first story I immediately had a flashback to our second visit with our social worker. We're gonna call her "J". "J" has been advocating for orphans since before I was born. She sits on more boards in the state of SC then I knew existed. She rubs elbows, knees, heads and shoulders with politicians on a weekly basis and then plays golf with their wives every other Saturday. She's the authority on all things adoption in our book. And I remember her sitting at our breakfast table and we asked her "what are the chances of Ukraine closing?" and she said "you really don't have much to worry about in Eastern Europe, unless Russia closes. If they close, everyone should be worried because the smaller countries will often do what Russia does, just to avoid the conflict." Jake and I tried not to talk about it. We walked around with this awful hypothetical scenario sitting on our shoulders through the entire holiday. I sat one night in the living room with just the Christmas lights on and just stared at the extra stocking hanging all alone. Jake brought it home about a month before Christmas and hung it with such care, right next to Cole and Zellas. And I couldn't help but cry. I was so confused. Why would God call us to a country, and plant a seed way way way deep down in me, if that's not the place for us? We distracted ourselves through Christmas and truly enjoyed our kids. Have I mentioned that we have AWESOME kids? Not sure if I've ever mentioned that before ;)
The day after Christmas we had dinner at my Dad's house with all of his side of the family. I was talking to my Aunt and she asked the question that so many people before her had asked "well if Ukraine closes, why not just choose another country?" Jake and I had talked about it......and we couldn't imagine our hearts or our children, being anywhere but Ukraine. So we just prayed. We kept praying. First, we prayed for Putin. The law to ban adoptions flew through upper and lower parliament and made it to Putin two days after Christmas. He signed the bill. And my heart sank. I kept praying "God, if Ukraine isn't the place, close the door quickly. My heart can't do this much longer." I read article after article on the Russian ban. Time and time again my heart broke for an entire nation of children whose options for a family just got limited.....because they were political pawns. We prayed as a family. We spent an immense amount of time in the truck (thanks VA traffic) and the prayer always ended as, "God, if Ukraine is where our child or children are, keep the door open. Get us there quickly." Every day I stalked the international papers. STILL NO STATEMENT FROM UKRAINE. Our entire week in VA was spent going back and forth. What do we do? Do we move forward with Ukraine, knowing the risks? Or do we stop and pray and pick somewhere else? We prayed and prayed for breakthrough. One day, I got this FB message from a friend that I literally just met that has just started the adoption process with Ukraine...."Right after the Israelites believed God would use Moses to deliver them, Pharaoh refused to let them go., doubled their work load and took away their straw to make bricks. Things didn't get better, they got worse. Even Moses lost his belief, 'Then Moses turned to the Lord and said, "O Lord, why have you done this evil to this people? Why did you ever send me? For since I came to Pharaoh to speak in your name, he has done evil to this people, and you have not delivered your people at all." (Exodus 5:22-23 ESV) In the end, God does deliver them, but not immediately, and NOT the way that they thought He would." She was reminding me that blind faith in Gods promises includes faith in His timing. That He may have us take a more circuitous route to reach our destination, because the journey He has us on is required to get closer to Him. In the end, the route may be different but the destination is the same. Thank you, Lord, for friends that love You and obey yYou when You tell them to share Your word. I read that out loud to Jake and we were both in tears. People we've never met, encouraging us, praying for us, and reminding us of Gods promises......giving us peace, by giving us Gods word. Ah-mazing.
Three days later, on Dec. 31, our sweet friend checked our mail box and called my cell phone. He was nervous sounding and breathing really heavy and I could hear paper crumpling in the background and it hit me.....he was holding our immigration paperwork. He read it word for word to me.....approved. for up to 2 children. from ukraine. That was our confirmation. We decided that day that we didn't need a statement from the president.....we had our statement from the King. We would move forward with Ukraine. And on our drive home......God told both of us what His intentions were for our family. We chose to move forward, regardless of the risk. God called us to Ukraine. He will see that His work is completed.
On Jan. 5, Ukraine made a statement. I had left a very chaotic Kubnick house to run to the grocery store before the Packer game started. I sat in the quiet in my car for a minute in the parking lot.....cause that's what Moms do when they are alone in the car. They sit in parking lots and just listen to the quiet in the car. There were at least 4 other women in the parking lot doing this at the same time as me. Anyways, God just kinda nudged me and told me to check my phone. And there it was. Ukraines president, in an interview on Jan. 5 said that he does not believe that children or their care should ever be politicized. That he believes that the welfare of the child should always come first. And Ukraine will remain open. I was standing on the canned vegetable aisle crying. I was trying to call Jake and texting everyone and posting on FB and yes, I was that lady in the store crying and I didn't care. We move forward with Ukraine. Thank you, God.
As I've been reading more and more updates on the Russian ban, while Ukraine remains open for now, my heart still breaks for the hundreds of thousands and children in Russia......and for the 46 American families that have already met their Russian children, bonded with them, decorated rooms for them, made travel plans to bring them home. My heart breaks for all 46 of those American mothers tonight with hearts in Russia. Please don't stop praying for these families. Please don't stop praying for Russia's children. The problem is so big, prayer is the only viable weapon any of us has against this orphan epidemic.
So tonight.....that's where we are. Still covered under and umbrella of grace. Still blessed. Still those crazy people in the car that from the outside look like they're talking to themselves but really we're praying. Still going to Ukraine. SOON.
We are members of a group called FRUA (Families for Russian & Ukrainian Adoption). For a week about two weeks before Christmas I had been following the news threads on our FRUA boards about Putin putting a ban on Americans being able to adopt from Russia. When I read the first story I immediately had a flashback to our second visit with our social worker. We're gonna call her "J". "J" has been advocating for orphans since before I was born. She sits on more boards in the state of SC then I knew existed. She rubs elbows, knees, heads and shoulders with politicians on a weekly basis and then plays golf with their wives every other Saturday. She's the authority on all things adoption in our book. And I remember her sitting at our breakfast table and we asked her "what are the chances of Ukraine closing?" and she said "you really don't have much to worry about in Eastern Europe, unless Russia closes. If they close, everyone should be worried because the smaller countries will often do what Russia does, just to avoid the conflict." Jake and I tried not to talk about it. We walked around with this awful hypothetical scenario sitting on our shoulders through the entire holiday. I sat one night in the living room with just the Christmas lights on and just stared at the extra stocking hanging all alone. Jake brought it home about a month before Christmas and hung it with such care, right next to Cole and Zellas. And I couldn't help but cry. I was so confused. Why would God call us to a country, and plant a seed way way way deep down in me, if that's not the place for us? We distracted ourselves through Christmas and truly enjoyed our kids. Have I mentioned that we have AWESOME kids? Not sure if I've ever mentioned that before ;)
The day after Christmas we had dinner at my Dad's house with all of his side of the family. I was talking to my Aunt and she asked the question that so many people before her had asked "well if Ukraine closes, why not just choose another country?" Jake and I had talked about it......and we couldn't imagine our hearts or our children, being anywhere but Ukraine. So we just prayed. We kept praying. First, we prayed for Putin. The law to ban adoptions flew through upper and lower parliament and made it to Putin two days after Christmas. He signed the bill. And my heart sank. I kept praying "God, if Ukraine isn't the place, close the door quickly. My heart can't do this much longer." I read article after article on the Russian ban. Time and time again my heart broke for an entire nation of children whose options for a family just got limited.....because they were political pawns. We prayed as a family. We spent an immense amount of time in the truck (thanks VA traffic) and the prayer always ended as, "God, if Ukraine is where our child or children are, keep the door open. Get us there quickly." Every day I stalked the international papers. STILL NO STATEMENT FROM UKRAINE. Our entire week in VA was spent going back and forth. What do we do? Do we move forward with Ukraine, knowing the risks? Or do we stop and pray and pick somewhere else? We prayed and prayed for breakthrough. One day, I got this FB message from a friend that I literally just met that has just started the adoption process with Ukraine...."Right after the Israelites believed God would use Moses to deliver them, Pharaoh refused to let them go., doubled their work load and took away their straw to make bricks. Things didn't get better, they got worse. Even Moses lost his belief, 'Then Moses turned to the Lord and said, "O Lord, why have you done this evil to this people? Why did you ever send me? For since I came to Pharaoh to speak in your name, he has done evil to this people, and you have not delivered your people at all." (Exodus 5:22-23 ESV) In the end, God does deliver them, but not immediately, and NOT the way that they thought He would." She was reminding me that blind faith in Gods promises includes faith in His timing. That He may have us take a more circuitous route to reach our destination, because the journey He has us on is required to get closer to Him. In the end, the route may be different but the destination is the same. Thank you, Lord, for friends that love You and obey yYou when You tell them to share Your word. I read that out loud to Jake and we were both in tears. People we've never met, encouraging us, praying for us, and reminding us of Gods promises......giving us peace, by giving us Gods word. Ah-mazing.
Three days later, on Dec. 31, our sweet friend checked our mail box and called my cell phone. He was nervous sounding and breathing really heavy and I could hear paper crumpling in the background and it hit me.....he was holding our immigration paperwork. He read it word for word to me.....approved. for up to 2 children. from ukraine. That was our confirmation. We decided that day that we didn't need a statement from the president.....we had our statement from the King. We would move forward with Ukraine. And on our drive home......God told both of us what His intentions were for our family. We chose to move forward, regardless of the risk. God called us to Ukraine. He will see that His work is completed.
On Jan. 5, Ukraine made a statement. I had left a very chaotic Kubnick house to run to the grocery store before the Packer game started. I sat in the quiet in my car for a minute in the parking lot.....cause that's what Moms do when they are alone in the car. They sit in parking lots and just listen to the quiet in the car. There were at least 4 other women in the parking lot doing this at the same time as me. Anyways, God just kinda nudged me and told me to check my phone. And there it was. Ukraines president, in an interview on Jan. 5 said that he does not believe that children or their care should ever be politicized. That he believes that the welfare of the child should always come first. And Ukraine will remain open. I was standing on the canned vegetable aisle crying. I was trying to call Jake and texting everyone and posting on FB and yes, I was that lady in the store crying and I didn't care. We move forward with Ukraine. Thank you, God.
As I've been reading more and more updates on the Russian ban, while Ukraine remains open for now, my heart still breaks for the hundreds of thousands and children in Russia......and for the 46 American families that have already met their Russian children, bonded with them, decorated rooms for them, made travel plans to bring them home. My heart breaks for all 46 of those American mothers tonight with hearts in Russia. Please don't stop praying for these families. Please don't stop praying for Russia's children. The problem is so big, prayer is the only viable weapon any of us has against this orphan epidemic.
So tonight.....that's where we are. Still covered under and umbrella of grace. Still blessed. Still those crazy people in the car that from the outside look like they're talking to themselves but really we're praying. Still going to Ukraine. SOON.
Friday, December 14, 2012
Today
I had a very well thought out plan today to update our blog about the adoption. I haven't posted since October and its been a wild few months and this whole writing thing is a coping mechanism for me........but the expansion of our family, seems exponentially insignificant when so many families got smaller today. An adoption update will come, but I need to write about today.
Cole had a doctors appointment this morning before school. Usually in the mornings, the first thing he does is ask me to put in the Christmas CD that's been on repeat since the last week in October. Today he sat quietly in the backseat and gazed out the window. He was thinking. Right before we pulled in to the doctors office he said, "Mom, did you know that there was an attack on America in New York?" My heart stopped. "Yes, I did know that. It was in 2001." He replied, "can you tell me what happened?" So I did. I explained why America is a hated country, why "bad men" wanted to kill Americans, and how they did it. And I started crying. And so did Cole. Today was the first day that I ever explained the essence of evil to my precious son. In his tiny little 6 year old body there is an enormous, deeply effected heart. There's so much of me in him. The hurt. The way his brain grasps from every angle to comprehend the pain. And the way it bothers him that it just never can. That there is no justification for the loss of life. He gets it. My sweet Cole has a heart for the hurting. It started with orphans. The first time he learned that there aren't enough orphanages or foster homes for all of the kids in the world without Moms and Dads.....and that some of them will die from hunger, disease, lack of clean drinking water, abuse.....I could see it in his eyes. At the ripe age of 6 he's deciding to make a difference. And the first step is that he deeply cares.......and he loves Jesus. Its a HUGE first step.
I remember 9/11 like it was yesterday. I was a freshman at USC in Columbia and I was up getting ready for class when the phone rang and my Mom told me to turn on the TV. NYC was familiar to me. We spent so much time there when I was growing up visiting my grandparents that lived in NJ right outside the city. I was tuning in as they were replaying footage of the first plane hitting the towers. The loss of human life at the hands of raw evil. Its been 11 years and my mind is nowhere closer to understanding why. Since then, school shootings, church shootings, suicide bombers, child rape, sex trafficking, and a sickeningly long list of other tragedies are everywhere you look. There's no escaping it. Last night I went to bed praying for a little boy in Texas that's Coles age. His father carved a pentagram into his back with a box cutter. It was hard for me to think Christian thoughts when I read that. It was impossible to hold back the tears. To hurt for this little boy. For his broken heart. For his abused body.
And today. I'm still sick to my stomach. It feels so cliche to say that I'm heavy hearted....but that's what it is. My heart feels like pile of metal in my chest, sitting on my lungs. I couldn't get to daycare fast enough, I all but ignored the lady at the front desk that wanted to be nicey nice, I grabbed my Zella and my Cole and I didn't even try to hold it together. My sweet Cole. The same age as so many of the children lost today. His entire everything just on the horizon......I cannot even fathom. I tucked them in tonight and prayed over them and lost it again.....and the idea of 20 mothers and father tonight with an empty bed in their homes. With unwrapped gifts and an empty stocking. Its senseless. And after our talk about 9/11 this morning it occurred to me that Cole is growing up. And the evil one is already fighting for him. And I can't hide him. So I knew I had to tell him. And that tears were okay. So in the car tonight, on the way home, with the sound of Zella obnoxiously chewing her Bugles in the background, I talked to Cole about what happened in Connecticut today. There were no questions, just a very very long pause. And from the back seat, I heard his tiny voice say, "he must not have loved Jesus." YES COLE! And then he reminded me that Jesus says to love each other as He loved us.....and Jesus loved everyone and everything. And from darkness, there was light, from the pure innocent, heart of my little blue eyed, light on a hill. And I cried.
I've read so much today. Its to the point where I'm going to have to put myself on media restriction. Immediately parents are getting bashed for sending their kids to public school and not homeschooling them. Gun control laws are back in the forefront of the political arena because apparently guns kill people, not psychopaths carrying guns. Today, teachers and children died. We can immediately put a bill on the table to enforce gun control, but can't say a prayer in school. I'm pretty sure that with the state of our country that there should be a pause for prayer upon entry and exit to everywhere we go. Last night I went to Cole's elementary school Christmas program. Two songs about Hanukkah, one song in Spanish that I didn't understand a word of, a reading about Kwanzaa, one rudolph the red nosed reindeer and a santa clause is coming to town, santa hats, Christmas lights, garland and glitter......and not one mention of Jesus. Zellas Christmas performance was on Tuesday. Just 5 years ago Jake and I sat in the same room and listened to the daycare director weep as she read the story of Jesus' birth directly from the Bible on her podium. We both opened and closed with prayer. This year, one song that referenced God but never actually said His name and some cute angel hats. I hope I'm not the only one putting the pieces together. Kids are killing other kids. Younger and younger and younger these children are screaming for someone to listen to them. Half of them have never heard the name "Jesus". They have no idea that He's their option. He's their out. He's their advocate. He's their friend. He loves them. Tragedies produce a spirit of fear. Fear is not from God. I refuse to trap my children at home because the evil one lurks. If we choose to stay at home, he will attack us at home. If we choose to go to the mall or a movie, he'll find a way. Every breath of our days is a battle for our souls. As Christians, we don't have to fight this fight. We know who wins. That story never changes. But our children, until they find this peace. Until they find their security in Christ......until they learn what it means to love like Christ first loved us, they will fight the fight. So what happens to the kids that never hear it? The ones that don't hear it at home and are offered a "moment of silence" instead of prayer and have no idea what type of foundation our country was built on? Today is what happens. Aurora, CO happens. Columbine happens.
Not in this house. We will teach our children to shout out His name from the rooftops. To never stop praying. To LOVE people. To reach people. To hurt with people. That tears are okay. That mistakes happen. That no one is perfect. That forgiveness is always a better option. That it might not be easy, but we are never alone. That we will never ever understand the evil of this world, but we will take hope in the promise of greater things to come with Jesus.
When I hear the pitter patter of feet in the morning, I will remind myself to thank God for that sound. When they fight, I will thank God that I can hear their voices. And when they pray, at dinner, at bedtime, in the car, I will thank God for relentlessly pursuing me and Jake and changing our lives, so that we can change theirs. If the most important thing I ever do in my life is give my kids Jesus, thats enough. I know, no matter what happens to any of us, I gave them life. And I'll see them again.
My tears, thoughts and most importantly my prayers are with all of the families effected tonight.
"I have told you these things, so that in me, you may have peace. In this world, you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33
Cole had a doctors appointment this morning before school. Usually in the mornings, the first thing he does is ask me to put in the Christmas CD that's been on repeat since the last week in October. Today he sat quietly in the backseat and gazed out the window. He was thinking. Right before we pulled in to the doctors office he said, "Mom, did you know that there was an attack on America in New York?" My heart stopped. "Yes, I did know that. It was in 2001." He replied, "can you tell me what happened?" So I did. I explained why America is a hated country, why "bad men" wanted to kill Americans, and how they did it. And I started crying. And so did Cole. Today was the first day that I ever explained the essence of evil to my precious son. In his tiny little 6 year old body there is an enormous, deeply effected heart. There's so much of me in him. The hurt. The way his brain grasps from every angle to comprehend the pain. And the way it bothers him that it just never can. That there is no justification for the loss of life. He gets it. My sweet Cole has a heart for the hurting. It started with orphans. The first time he learned that there aren't enough orphanages or foster homes for all of the kids in the world without Moms and Dads.....and that some of them will die from hunger, disease, lack of clean drinking water, abuse.....I could see it in his eyes. At the ripe age of 6 he's deciding to make a difference. And the first step is that he deeply cares.......and he loves Jesus. Its a HUGE first step.
I remember 9/11 like it was yesterday. I was a freshman at USC in Columbia and I was up getting ready for class when the phone rang and my Mom told me to turn on the TV. NYC was familiar to me. We spent so much time there when I was growing up visiting my grandparents that lived in NJ right outside the city. I was tuning in as they were replaying footage of the first plane hitting the towers. The loss of human life at the hands of raw evil. Its been 11 years and my mind is nowhere closer to understanding why. Since then, school shootings, church shootings, suicide bombers, child rape, sex trafficking, and a sickeningly long list of other tragedies are everywhere you look. There's no escaping it. Last night I went to bed praying for a little boy in Texas that's Coles age. His father carved a pentagram into his back with a box cutter. It was hard for me to think Christian thoughts when I read that. It was impossible to hold back the tears. To hurt for this little boy. For his broken heart. For his abused body.
And today. I'm still sick to my stomach. It feels so cliche to say that I'm heavy hearted....but that's what it is. My heart feels like pile of metal in my chest, sitting on my lungs. I couldn't get to daycare fast enough, I all but ignored the lady at the front desk that wanted to be nicey nice, I grabbed my Zella and my Cole and I didn't even try to hold it together. My sweet Cole. The same age as so many of the children lost today. His entire everything just on the horizon......I cannot even fathom. I tucked them in tonight and prayed over them and lost it again.....and the idea of 20 mothers and father tonight with an empty bed in their homes. With unwrapped gifts and an empty stocking. Its senseless. And after our talk about 9/11 this morning it occurred to me that Cole is growing up. And the evil one is already fighting for him. And I can't hide him. So I knew I had to tell him. And that tears were okay. So in the car tonight, on the way home, with the sound of Zella obnoxiously chewing her Bugles in the background, I talked to Cole about what happened in Connecticut today. There were no questions, just a very very long pause. And from the back seat, I heard his tiny voice say, "he must not have loved Jesus." YES COLE! And then he reminded me that Jesus says to love each other as He loved us.....and Jesus loved everyone and everything. And from darkness, there was light, from the pure innocent, heart of my little blue eyed, light on a hill. And I cried.
I've read so much today. Its to the point where I'm going to have to put myself on media restriction. Immediately parents are getting bashed for sending their kids to public school and not homeschooling them. Gun control laws are back in the forefront of the political arena because apparently guns kill people, not psychopaths carrying guns. Today, teachers and children died. We can immediately put a bill on the table to enforce gun control, but can't say a prayer in school. I'm pretty sure that with the state of our country that there should be a pause for prayer upon entry and exit to everywhere we go. Last night I went to Cole's elementary school Christmas program. Two songs about Hanukkah, one song in Spanish that I didn't understand a word of, a reading about Kwanzaa, one rudolph the red nosed reindeer and a santa clause is coming to town, santa hats, Christmas lights, garland and glitter......and not one mention of Jesus. Zellas Christmas performance was on Tuesday. Just 5 years ago Jake and I sat in the same room and listened to the daycare director weep as she read the story of Jesus' birth directly from the Bible on her podium. We both opened and closed with prayer. This year, one song that referenced God but never actually said His name and some cute angel hats. I hope I'm not the only one putting the pieces together. Kids are killing other kids. Younger and younger and younger these children are screaming for someone to listen to them. Half of them have never heard the name "Jesus". They have no idea that He's their option. He's their out. He's their advocate. He's their friend. He loves them. Tragedies produce a spirit of fear. Fear is not from God. I refuse to trap my children at home because the evil one lurks. If we choose to stay at home, he will attack us at home. If we choose to go to the mall or a movie, he'll find a way. Every breath of our days is a battle for our souls. As Christians, we don't have to fight this fight. We know who wins. That story never changes. But our children, until they find this peace. Until they find their security in Christ......until they learn what it means to love like Christ first loved us, they will fight the fight. So what happens to the kids that never hear it? The ones that don't hear it at home and are offered a "moment of silence" instead of prayer and have no idea what type of foundation our country was built on? Today is what happens. Aurora, CO happens. Columbine happens.
Not in this house. We will teach our children to shout out His name from the rooftops. To never stop praying. To LOVE people. To reach people. To hurt with people. That tears are okay. That mistakes happen. That no one is perfect. That forgiveness is always a better option. That it might not be easy, but we are never alone. That we will never ever understand the evil of this world, but we will take hope in the promise of greater things to come with Jesus.
When I hear the pitter patter of feet in the morning, I will remind myself to thank God for that sound. When they fight, I will thank God that I can hear their voices. And when they pray, at dinner, at bedtime, in the car, I will thank God for relentlessly pursuing me and Jake and changing our lives, so that we can change theirs. If the most important thing I ever do in my life is give my kids Jesus, thats enough. I know, no matter what happens to any of us, I gave them life. And I'll see them again.
My tears, thoughts and most importantly my prayers are with all of the families effected tonight.
"I have told you these things, so that in me, you may have peace. In this world, you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Deep in the thick of Crazy
It's been a while since I updated about the Kubnicks......and since then we have found ourselves completely submerged deep in the thick of crazy. Lucky for us, we have several friends that 1 - remind us of how much deeper our crazy will get once our kiddos are home and 2 - do an amazing job distracting us long enough for us to think we've slept in the last month. BOTH of these groups of friends are amazing and without this support system that God has put in place for us, crazy would seem like psychotic. Meds I can do....asylum? Well, I just don't look good in white ;)
As of this week, and after a few delays (i.e. my very own paperwork error), the Kubnicks are officially submitted to immigration! What does that mean? It means that we are one step closer to Ukraine. It means that we are in a period of waiting. It means that while we wait (for up to 90 days) we fund raise! Turns out, this adoption thing is pretty expensive! There's this "rage against the machine" part of me that wants to say "how can you possibly put a price tag on a life"? But the harsh reality of it is, there is a price tag. BUT the amazing thing about God is this.....the price tag doesn't matter! We have full faith that God is going to meet us every single penny of the way through this adoption. Does that mean that we have to stay up a little later painting signs with big red anchors? It does. Does that mean that when I lose a few pounds (totally stress related. I have no idea what exercise means anymore.) that I don't get to go buy a bunch of new clothes? It does. It also means that as a family, we are making a commitment to be Jesus' hands and feet. It means that as parents, we are giving Cole and Zella a firm and Biblical foundation to stand on by saying WE ARE SECOND. It means, that at the end of all of this, our family will be bigger, our home will contain more laughter, our hearts will be even more full than we imagined, and our faith will be much greater than when we started and children that were once abandoned, will learn that Jesus will never ever leave them. Suddenly, the price tag is seemingly insignificant. So we'll sell what we have. We'll yard sale until there's nothing left to yard sell. We will pray circles and more circles around Jericho until the walls come down and the bill is paid. Because He did the same for us. He relentlessly pursued us, paying the ultimate price to redeem us, no matter how many times we tried to stop Him. And when we couldn't fight anymore, He adopted us into His family. And He loved us through our temper tantrums and hissy fits and frequent bouts of selfishness. And then He called us to do the same. We say "yes".
And in saying "yes", we have been overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by His unbelievably creative ways of meeting us. Small example: last week, we had to write a substantial check for the adoption. We weren't quite biting our nails, but were aware that this week, another substantial check would need to be written and that just wasn't there. We wrote the check on Thursday of last week. On Thursday of last week, Jake got a bonus tacked onto his pay check from the Dept. of Defense. If you work for the government, you will know that they don't just GIVE money away. But there it was.....that bonus, plus a random, generous gift from a sweet friend, equaled every single penny that we needed to send to immigration this week. There are about a million other blessings that we've just be swept away by in these last few weeks....but not enough space in the blog to list them. In our small faith, He made a HUGE point to yell at us, "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4 Its amazing what can happen when the desires of our hearts, match His desires for us.
So we're fund raising. We've got just about everything you can imagine for sale. A Harley, a dining room table and hutch, hand painted signs, commercial grade fitness equipment, clothes, shoes, a cradle, small random furniture, bracelets, Scentsy.......no lie, if its not breathing, I'll sell it to you! And every night as soon as the kids go to bed I rush rush rush around trying to do all the Mom things I need to do plus all of the extra stuff like painting signs and pricing yard sale items. And its easy to forget the things that I hold close to my heart.......and this last week, in the craziness, I was reminded.
I am blessed to have a husband that is as crazy as I am. I am blessed to have a husband that will pray for our family, that will break down to God for our family, that we can trust as he leads us in Gods will. I am beyond blessed to have a husband with an incredible work ethic. Blessed to have a husband that has never in his life done anything half way. Blessed that he already loves our child/children in Ukraine SO much that he's learning Russian (thank you, Rosetta Stone) in an effort to understand Ukrainian a little better. And he's really really handsome. So that's HUGE!
When Zella was sick for the first year of her life we spent countless hours rocking. She was only a few months old when we started praying for my friend that was a nurse in Uganda and foster Mom to a set of very sick twins. In the wee hours of the morning, with her on my chest, I would cry out to God for these babies, and so many others that God was breaking my heart for. And we would sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound....." We still sing to Zella every night. We don't know when or if we will have another infant, so we are holding on to her as long as we can. But its been a while since she didn't request "Wheels on the Bus" or "Jesus Loves Me". But tonight as I laid her down she demanded "Grace! Sing Grace!". In my best effort to fight back the tears, we sang it together. As I was leaving she yelled out "Deep as the Yocean, Mommy!" And I'm reminded of the hard hard hard times that I have spent with this beautiful little girl........and that one moment, made it all worth it.
And then there's Cole. Oh Cole. First of all, he told my Mom this weekend that I'm really smart. So he's my favorite now ;) Second of all, everywhere we go, he talks adoption. And it makes me grin ear to ear. He struck up a conversation with a lady at Walgreens on Sunday by saying "we're saving money for an adoption!" Kid never meets a stranger. I got a text from our babysitter the night of the wedding saying that she was touched by his prayer at dinner time. So that means he actually prayed on his own, without being prompted, at dinner! And it obviously didn't include any of the way too often used bodily function words that he's so fond of these days! And tonight.....when I tucked him in he asked if I would lay with him and sing him a song. When I left the room he said "I'll miss you, Mommy. Love you as deep as the ocean!" You got me, Cole. I just completely forgot that you got in trouble at school today. And I will keep on forgetting as long as your heart keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Over the weekend, one of my bestest girls got married and I was blessed to be a part of the wedding party. First of all, it was beautiful. There is no place like the Lowcountry and this wedding did everything possible to highlight this life we love so much. And I just kinda really love weddings - a lot. But so standing in front of the church, listening to the pastor talk about marriage, and about how the opposite of love is selfishness, I couldn't help but look at how far Jake and I have come together. I looked back to meet his eyes in the church and he was right there with me. And that night we danced and it was like that first night on our blind date. I just melted in his arms.....and he held me up. And I'm reminded that my first job is as a Christian, and my second is as a wife. Not Mom. Wife. And the rewards are immeasurable. He's also still very very handsome :)
Soooooooo, yard sale!!!!! 91 Heritage Parkway, Bluffton......Saturday, Oct. 6, 8am-12pm. OR mckenzeekubnick.scentsy.us OR check my facebook for handpainted signs and bracelets OR message me if you're in the market for a Harley or dining room set :) I officially have no shame.
As of this week, and after a few delays (i.e. my very own paperwork error), the Kubnicks are officially submitted to immigration! What does that mean? It means that we are one step closer to Ukraine. It means that we are in a period of waiting. It means that while we wait (for up to 90 days) we fund raise! Turns out, this adoption thing is pretty expensive! There's this "rage against the machine" part of me that wants to say "how can you possibly put a price tag on a life"? But the harsh reality of it is, there is a price tag. BUT the amazing thing about God is this.....the price tag doesn't matter! We have full faith that God is going to meet us every single penny of the way through this adoption. Does that mean that we have to stay up a little later painting signs with big red anchors? It does. Does that mean that when I lose a few pounds (totally stress related. I have no idea what exercise means anymore.) that I don't get to go buy a bunch of new clothes? It does. It also means that as a family, we are making a commitment to be Jesus' hands and feet. It means that as parents, we are giving Cole and Zella a firm and Biblical foundation to stand on by saying WE ARE SECOND. It means, that at the end of all of this, our family will be bigger, our home will contain more laughter, our hearts will be even more full than we imagined, and our faith will be much greater than when we started and children that were once abandoned, will learn that Jesus will never ever leave them. Suddenly, the price tag is seemingly insignificant. So we'll sell what we have. We'll yard sale until there's nothing left to yard sell. We will pray circles and more circles around Jericho until the walls come down and the bill is paid. Because He did the same for us. He relentlessly pursued us, paying the ultimate price to redeem us, no matter how many times we tried to stop Him. And when we couldn't fight anymore, He adopted us into His family. And He loved us through our temper tantrums and hissy fits and frequent bouts of selfishness. And then He called us to do the same. We say "yes".
And in saying "yes", we have been overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by His unbelievably creative ways of meeting us. Small example: last week, we had to write a substantial check for the adoption. We weren't quite biting our nails, but were aware that this week, another substantial check would need to be written and that just wasn't there. We wrote the check on Thursday of last week. On Thursday of last week, Jake got a bonus tacked onto his pay check from the Dept. of Defense. If you work for the government, you will know that they don't just GIVE money away. But there it was.....that bonus, plus a random, generous gift from a sweet friend, equaled every single penny that we needed to send to immigration this week. There are about a million other blessings that we've just be swept away by in these last few weeks....but not enough space in the blog to list them. In our small faith, He made a HUGE point to yell at us, "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4 Its amazing what can happen when the desires of our hearts, match His desires for us.
So we're fund raising. We've got just about everything you can imagine for sale. A Harley, a dining room table and hutch, hand painted signs, commercial grade fitness equipment, clothes, shoes, a cradle, small random furniture, bracelets, Scentsy.......no lie, if its not breathing, I'll sell it to you! And every night as soon as the kids go to bed I rush rush rush around trying to do all the Mom things I need to do plus all of the extra stuff like painting signs and pricing yard sale items. And its easy to forget the things that I hold close to my heart.......and this last week, in the craziness, I was reminded.
I am blessed to have a husband that is as crazy as I am. I am blessed to have a husband that will pray for our family, that will break down to God for our family, that we can trust as he leads us in Gods will. I am beyond blessed to have a husband with an incredible work ethic. Blessed to have a husband that has never in his life done anything half way. Blessed that he already loves our child/children in Ukraine SO much that he's learning Russian (thank you, Rosetta Stone) in an effort to understand Ukrainian a little better. And he's really really handsome. So that's HUGE!
When Zella was sick for the first year of her life we spent countless hours rocking. She was only a few months old when we started praying for my friend that was a nurse in Uganda and foster Mom to a set of very sick twins. In the wee hours of the morning, with her on my chest, I would cry out to God for these babies, and so many others that God was breaking my heart for. And we would sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound....." We still sing to Zella every night. We don't know when or if we will have another infant, so we are holding on to her as long as we can. But its been a while since she didn't request "Wheels on the Bus" or "Jesus Loves Me". But tonight as I laid her down she demanded "Grace! Sing Grace!". In my best effort to fight back the tears, we sang it together. As I was leaving she yelled out "Deep as the Yocean, Mommy!" And I'm reminded of the hard hard hard times that I have spent with this beautiful little girl........and that one moment, made it all worth it.
And then there's Cole. Oh Cole. First of all, he told my Mom this weekend that I'm really smart. So he's my favorite now ;) Second of all, everywhere we go, he talks adoption. And it makes me grin ear to ear. He struck up a conversation with a lady at Walgreens on Sunday by saying "we're saving money for an adoption!" Kid never meets a stranger. I got a text from our babysitter the night of the wedding saying that she was touched by his prayer at dinner time. So that means he actually prayed on his own, without being prompted, at dinner! And it obviously didn't include any of the way too often used bodily function words that he's so fond of these days! And tonight.....when I tucked him in he asked if I would lay with him and sing him a song. When I left the room he said "I'll miss you, Mommy. Love you as deep as the ocean!" You got me, Cole. I just completely forgot that you got in trouble at school today. And I will keep on forgetting as long as your heart keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Over the weekend, one of my bestest girls got married and I was blessed to be a part of the wedding party. First of all, it was beautiful. There is no place like the Lowcountry and this wedding did everything possible to highlight this life we love so much. And I just kinda really love weddings - a lot. But so standing in front of the church, listening to the pastor talk about marriage, and about how the opposite of love is selfishness, I couldn't help but look at how far Jake and I have come together. I looked back to meet his eyes in the church and he was right there with me. And that night we danced and it was like that first night on our blind date. I just melted in his arms.....and he held me up. And I'm reminded that my first job is as a Christian, and my second is as a wife. Not Mom. Wife. And the rewards are immeasurable. He's also still very very handsome :)
Soooooooo, yard sale!!!!! 91 Heritage Parkway, Bluffton......Saturday, Oct. 6, 8am-12pm. OR mckenzeekubnick.scentsy.us OR check my facebook for handpainted signs and bracelets OR message me if you're in the market for a Harley or dining room set :) I officially have no shame.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Tell Me
At work. Running behind. Have this rant going through my head. Needed to just get it out. Oh the beauty of a personal blog. Its like yelling at someone without that whole awkward confrontation factor.
So since the Kubnick family has embarked upon this international adoption journey, we have started noticing several common trends.
The first is the inability of people to just be excited for us without adding their opinion. It goes something like this...."oh that's so nice that you're adopting from Ukraine. Let me tell you what I think....." No thanks.
The second is the inability of people to keep their mouths shut. Everyone is entitled to an opinion. Obviously this is a decision that was not made hastily and your 20 minute dissertation on why you don't believe in adoption isn't going to end up with us saying "you're right! I never looked at it that way! Let's not adopt!".
And the third is similar to the second. Those people that agree with the idea of adoption, just not OUR adoption. Here's how that conversation goes.....
"Yes, we are adopting from Ukraine."
"I don't understand why people adopt internationally when there are hundreds of thousands of orphans right here in the united states! What's wrong with the kids here? I mean, there's a crisis right here on the homefront and all you people are running off to rescue another country's problem!"
"I'm sorry that you disagree. We feel God is leading us to Ukraine."
That last part, that's what I say. But here's what I WANT to say :)
Oh really? Do you want to tell me all about your domestic adoption journey? Do you want to show me the spreadsheet that you developed to break down the pro's and con's of international vs. domestic adoption? Oh wait, what? You've never adopted a child before? Then keep your pie hole shut! An orphan is an orphan regardless of their ethnicity or geographic location and its attitudes like yours that have assisted in making the worlds orphan crisis run 147 million strong. When God decided to wake you up this morning I'm pretty sure that His justification wasn't "well the numbers in the US are balancing out today so let me save this one, one more time". We go where we feel led. Without God rescuing us, and adopting us into His family, this process would have never been a consideration for our family. So when He says go, we go. We believe in His vision for a world that loves the same way that He does, without barriers that separate us or make us feel less responsible for people in need. The crisis remains the same. There are children without homes. Until you decide that you aren't too good to open your home to one, or two or three, don't decide that you're going to rain on our parade by shoving your small minded opinions down our throats. We don't care what you have to say. Would you like to buy a bracelet to help us fund raise?
Rant. Over. :)
So since the Kubnick family has embarked upon this international adoption journey, we have started noticing several common trends.
The first is the inability of people to just be excited for us without adding their opinion. It goes something like this...."oh that's so nice that you're adopting from Ukraine. Let me tell you what I think....." No thanks.
The second is the inability of people to keep their mouths shut. Everyone is entitled to an opinion. Obviously this is a decision that was not made hastily and your 20 minute dissertation on why you don't believe in adoption isn't going to end up with us saying "you're right! I never looked at it that way! Let's not adopt!".
And the third is similar to the second. Those people that agree with the idea of adoption, just not OUR adoption. Here's how that conversation goes.....
"Yes, we are adopting from Ukraine."
"I don't understand why people adopt internationally when there are hundreds of thousands of orphans right here in the united states! What's wrong with the kids here? I mean, there's a crisis right here on the homefront and all you people are running off to rescue another country's problem!"
"I'm sorry that you disagree. We feel God is leading us to Ukraine."
That last part, that's what I say. But here's what I WANT to say :)
Oh really? Do you want to tell me all about your domestic adoption journey? Do you want to show me the spreadsheet that you developed to break down the pro's and con's of international vs. domestic adoption? Oh wait, what? You've never adopted a child before? Then keep your pie hole shut! An orphan is an orphan regardless of their ethnicity or geographic location and its attitudes like yours that have assisted in making the worlds orphan crisis run 147 million strong. When God decided to wake you up this morning I'm pretty sure that His justification wasn't "well the numbers in the US are balancing out today so let me save this one, one more time". We go where we feel led. Without God rescuing us, and adopting us into His family, this process would have never been a consideration for our family. So when He says go, we go. We believe in His vision for a world that loves the same way that He does, without barriers that separate us or make us feel less responsible for people in need. The crisis remains the same. There are children without homes. Until you decide that you aren't too good to open your home to one, or two or three, don't decide that you're going to rain on our parade by shoving your small minded opinions down our throats. We don't care what you have to say. Would you like to buy a bracelet to help us fund raise?
Rant. Over. :)
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Change
In 1968 my Granddaddy had a dream. He had a dream of a family owned business that would do far more than make ends meet for his family. He had dreams of building a legacy. Of letting the business trickle down through generations of men with a work ethic and ability to reach people that was similar to his own.
I remember the way his hands looked. Permanently scarred from chemical burns, worn, aged, calloused. The sign of a hardworking man. He had a distinct smell too. Now that its right out my office door I recognize it as pesticides, but then, it was just Granddaddy. The yard at his house was full of "stuff". Little john boats, chickens, goats, fifty-leven dogs....you name it. Have you ever seen that show with "Turtle Man"? At the end of his jobs he always gets paid with things like "jars of fresh honey" or "an honorary membership to the rotary club". That's how Granddaddy worked in the beginning. Granny was forever mad at him when he'd do a full days worth of work for a homemade pie and some venison. But Granddaddy started his business as a working class man, doing work for working class people. He sympathized when there wasn't enough money in the budget for something simple like pest control. So he would take whatever they had to offer. I sure did love his big heart. And so the business grew. My first memories of it were the papers that were constantly overflowing on the desk in his home office. Guess when you take apple pie as payment, bookkeeping isn't real high on your priority list. And then it moved to a trailer in the yard of his house. He and my Uncle built and built the business on good old Southern business standards until business was booming. They had to hire 2 receptionists! That's big time! Just before Granddaddy got sick....he and my Uncle laid out the plans for a new building, complete with a warehouse for chemicals and a bay big enough to hold all of the trucks....it was like their dream was unfolding in front of them. And then there was cancer.
Grannys house was an outdoors kids dream growing up. Pulling in her driveway and parking under the sprawling oak tree that covers the left side of her yard feels like something out of a movie. At the right time of year, the azaleas are so vibrant and full that it takes your breath away. And growing up, we spent a lot of time there. Just out her back door was a whole world of adventure. She had the storage shed that each spring became home to at least 2 litters of kittens (she hates cats!) and McCall and I would spend our days out there trying to find them. Another oak tree not two steps off of her porch had a tire swing, and the rickety swing set that Granddaddy built so many years before was just off to the right. And if you kept going straight, Granddaddy had his dog pens. Granny hates dogs too ;) McCall and I used to run down there and bang on the pens just to get the dogs all worked up! Ever hear 10 beagles when they get excited? Its awful. And Granny hated it. And we thought it was hilarious. Granddaddy sometimes thought he was the animal whisperer. He built a corral out behind those dog pens once and brought home this beautiful, wild black stallion. He swore up and down that he could break that horse. We would stand out there in sheer awe at its' unbridled power.. I hated the day that Granddaddy finally admitted his defeat and the horse had to leave. Now, in the place of my childhood memories, sits an office building. My Uncle built that building that he and Granddaddy dreamed of. It was complete almost a year after Granddaddy passed away. Right inside the front door of our office is a picture of him. He oversees the day to day operations from his place on the wall. Every now and then, when its quiet, we hear the door open or a swift breeze blow through the office, and we know he's there with us.
I started working for the family business just shy of 7 years ago. For my entire life I have proudly said "We are Old South Exterminators". For almost 7 years I have driven down that long driveway that winds behind Granny's house and into the back yard of our office and every day have been flooded with childhood memories that are irreplaceable. Childhood memories that I long to recreate for my kids. And when I started working for the family, That was part of my goal. I was holding on to the memories that made me who I am.
But things change. People change. Life evolves. People pass away leaving giant empty spots in our lives and leaving us less of ourselves. Greed takes over. And as a result, families change. This week, ours did. We sold out. A dream deferred. Another statistic.
I can't even look at that picture of Granddaddy right now. The only comfort I have is knowing that maybe he's sitting there next to God and God is telling him all of the reasons why this is a good thing and of all of the plans that He has for us. I tried my hardest to rest my mind in the promise of hope and a future today. I taped a Ukrainian flag next to our family picture on my computer so that all day long I could remember what I'm fighting for. And while my brain knows that its true, my heart is heavy. I won't go into the reasons why or what happened or how. But it feels wrong. It feels wrong to give away a dream for money. It feels wrong to give away a dream for anything. I drove down that long driveway today to come home to MY dream. And I realized that its time to let go. You can't move forward, if you're always looking back. I will always have my memories. I will always have that black stallion and beagles and john boats and chickens. The oak trees are still standing and the azaleas still bloom every Spring. I have to remember each day that maybe all dreams aren't in Gods plans. And I have to trust, wholeheartedly, that He knows what He's doing. And so tomorrow, I'll become an employee, not a family member. And I'll look at my Kubnick family and that little flag and gut through it. For another paycheck. For a plane ticket. For an agency fee. Because while my dreams for the company might not be in Gods plans, I know wholeheartedly, that the dream He has planted in my heart for my family, is 100% His design. And I have to do, even through tears, what I have to do to make that happen. I'm leaning on my education at a Christian school tonight....remembering all of those verses I hated learning and am so thankful now that I did.
"Delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart" - Psalm 37:4
"TRUST in the Lord, with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." - Proverbs 3:5-6
"Many are the plans in a mans heart, but it is the Lords purpose that prevails." - Proverbs 19:21
"For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you. Plans of hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11
"For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5
Looking forward to tomorrow morning :)
I remember the way his hands looked. Permanently scarred from chemical burns, worn, aged, calloused. The sign of a hardworking man. He had a distinct smell too. Now that its right out my office door I recognize it as pesticides, but then, it was just Granddaddy. The yard at his house was full of "stuff". Little john boats, chickens, goats, fifty-leven dogs....you name it. Have you ever seen that show with "Turtle Man"? At the end of his jobs he always gets paid with things like "jars of fresh honey" or "an honorary membership to the rotary club". That's how Granddaddy worked in the beginning. Granny was forever mad at him when he'd do a full days worth of work for a homemade pie and some venison. But Granddaddy started his business as a working class man, doing work for working class people. He sympathized when there wasn't enough money in the budget for something simple like pest control. So he would take whatever they had to offer. I sure did love his big heart. And so the business grew. My first memories of it were the papers that were constantly overflowing on the desk in his home office. Guess when you take apple pie as payment, bookkeeping isn't real high on your priority list. And then it moved to a trailer in the yard of his house. He and my Uncle built and built the business on good old Southern business standards until business was booming. They had to hire 2 receptionists! That's big time! Just before Granddaddy got sick....he and my Uncle laid out the plans for a new building, complete with a warehouse for chemicals and a bay big enough to hold all of the trucks....it was like their dream was unfolding in front of them. And then there was cancer.
Grannys house was an outdoors kids dream growing up. Pulling in her driveway and parking under the sprawling oak tree that covers the left side of her yard feels like something out of a movie. At the right time of year, the azaleas are so vibrant and full that it takes your breath away. And growing up, we spent a lot of time there. Just out her back door was a whole world of adventure. She had the storage shed that each spring became home to at least 2 litters of kittens (she hates cats!) and McCall and I would spend our days out there trying to find them. Another oak tree not two steps off of her porch had a tire swing, and the rickety swing set that Granddaddy built so many years before was just off to the right. And if you kept going straight, Granddaddy had his dog pens. Granny hates dogs too ;) McCall and I used to run down there and bang on the pens just to get the dogs all worked up! Ever hear 10 beagles when they get excited? Its awful. And Granny hated it. And we thought it was hilarious. Granddaddy sometimes thought he was the animal whisperer. He built a corral out behind those dog pens once and brought home this beautiful, wild black stallion. He swore up and down that he could break that horse. We would stand out there in sheer awe at its' unbridled power.. I hated the day that Granddaddy finally admitted his defeat and the horse had to leave. Now, in the place of my childhood memories, sits an office building. My Uncle built that building that he and Granddaddy dreamed of. It was complete almost a year after Granddaddy passed away. Right inside the front door of our office is a picture of him. He oversees the day to day operations from his place on the wall. Every now and then, when its quiet, we hear the door open or a swift breeze blow through the office, and we know he's there with us.
I started working for the family business just shy of 7 years ago. For my entire life I have proudly said "We are Old South Exterminators". For almost 7 years I have driven down that long driveway that winds behind Granny's house and into the back yard of our office and every day have been flooded with childhood memories that are irreplaceable. Childhood memories that I long to recreate for my kids. And when I started working for the family, That was part of my goal. I was holding on to the memories that made me who I am.
But things change. People change. Life evolves. People pass away leaving giant empty spots in our lives and leaving us less of ourselves. Greed takes over. And as a result, families change. This week, ours did. We sold out. A dream deferred. Another statistic.
I can't even look at that picture of Granddaddy right now. The only comfort I have is knowing that maybe he's sitting there next to God and God is telling him all of the reasons why this is a good thing and of all of the plans that He has for us. I tried my hardest to rest my mind in the promise of hope and a future today. I taped a Ukrainian flag next to our family picture on my computer so that all day long I could remember what I'm fighting for. And while my brain knows that its true, my heart is heavy. I won't go into the reasons why or what happened or how. But it feels wrong. It feels wrong to give away a dream for money. It feels wrong to give away a dream for anything. I drove down that long driveway today to come home to MY dream. And I realized that its time to let go. You can't move forward, if you're always looking back. I will always have my memories. I will always have that black stallion and beagles and john boats and chickens. The oak trees are still standing and the azaleas still bloom every Spring. I have to remember each day that maybe all dreams aren't in Gods plans. And I have to trust, wholeheartedly, that He knows what He's doing. And so tomorrow, I'll become an employee, not a family member. And I'll look at my Kubnick family and that little flag and gut through it. For another paycheck. For a plane ticket. For an agency fee. Because while my dreams for the company might not be in Gods plans, I know wholeheartedly, that the dream He has planted in my heart for my family, is 100% His design. And I have to do, even through tears, what I have to do to make that happen. I'm leaning on my education at a Christian school tonight....remembering all of those verses I hated learning and am so thankful now that I did.
"Delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart" - Psalm 37:4
"TRUST in the Lord, with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." - Proverbs 3:5-6
"Many are the plans in a mans heart, but it is the Lords purpose that prevails." - Proverbs 19:21
"For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you. Plans of hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11
"For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5
Looking forward to tomorrow morning :)
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