A CHRISTmas blog.......

One of my favorite Christmas songs right now is Audrey Assad, Winter Snow. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pi25lohx7Kw

The lyrics focus on the lack of grandeur in Christs birth.....when truly, He had the ability to come in the grandest of ways. That's not who He was. Our salvation walked the earth in peace and hope and light. He spoke life. He spoke truth. He embodied grace. He permeated mercy. His birth marks 1 of 2 of the most significant happenings in my Christian walk. And I LOVE CHRISTmas because of the reminders of that peace. Christmas music.....not the sad, lonely kind. But the triumphant kind. "Fall on your knees! Oh hear the angel voices! Oh night divine, oh night, when Christ was born". Victory!Hark the Herald Angels Sing, O Holy Night, Silent Night, Away in a Manger and on and on. Hope. A few years ago I started painting.....this was the 1st thing I painted.....and it sits in our home during this time of year to remind me of the gift we have been given....

Having said that.....this year is hard. There isn't a whole lot of peace in our house right now. I want to pretend that we are all adjusting beautifully in this very broken world......but we aren't. There is a little boy living in our house that deals with trauma issues. And it turns out, the holidays trigger a lot of those things. He hasn't learned yet that we aren't going to leave him. He has no concept of what a "family" means. He doesn't know what "mother" and "father" looks like. Somedays the crying is unbearable. Some days he laughs until he can't breathe. Some days he sings "Jesus Loves Me" at the tops of his lungs and some days he refuses to speak. Cole and Zella are stressed out. Cole's anxiety is through the roof and Zella has reverted to behavior that we tackled when she was 2. And I get it. All of it. Because they are small people and don't have the grasp that Jake and I have on life and more importantly, Jesus. There are days when all we do, all day long, is discipline. We had a day this week where all 3 of our children were in trouble for lying.....different incidents, same offense. Jake just looked at me and shook his head. I read this the other day........."I haven't had a day yet, where I didn't make it through."  That's us. Keep. On. Trucking. SO.......Jake and I are CRAVING CHRISTmas. We are yearning for the peace that surrounds the manger. We are longing for the stillness of a dark night with a north star. And it's offered to us. We just have to take it.

Jake is a lot smarter than me. He's been half boycotting social media for several weeks now (with the exception of a few posts about the Packers......because they are our team. And sometimes they are terrible and warrant a post) because his brain is tired. He's smart enough to know that we are under attack. When people stand for what they believe in......the devil gets mad. So that's us......we stood in the gap. We brought a child into our home that needed a home. We pray over him. Last week (tearing up over this one), Zella had a fever and laid down in my bed. David wandered in the bedroom and climbed up next to her and laid down. Without prompting (because I was spying from the crack behind the door to see what he was going to do), he put his hand on her and closed his eyes "dear Dedus, Tank you for Zella. Zella not feel good. Amen."  THE VERY NEXT DAY, Davids trauma was triggered and our home fell apart again for several days. The devil hates hope. He hates the promise of new life. He hates when people stand up and say they believe in something greater than what the world desires for them to believe. And we have to make the choice......in this attack, what do I choose to filter through my head. Will I choose to only put in the good, because really, in turmoil, there's no room left for the bad......will I choose to keep on letting ol' devil in through outlets that I least suspect?.....will I keep allowing him to distract me and separate me?  We have a choice.

I've noticed a trend......my FB feed is full of it. And that's the thing about FB. You can use it to push whatever agenda it is that you're pushing for that day. It can be breastfeeding or vaccines or Phil Robertson or adoption, abortion, womens rights, NObama, let your kids believe in Santa or don't, I mean....whatever you want, you can put it out there. And the people that choose to read it, are choosing to let that in. I am that person. I'm a person that gets sucked in. I will comment on your post about why its awesome to have six kids (it is awesome by the way) and I will comment on why everyone should support adoption and why pesticides on our vegetables should be illegal. And what has it done for me? It has distracted me. It has taken a small amount of my mental energy away from fighting the fight happening inside our home right now. It has stolen the peace that I am desperate for.

Am I going to say that I am going to boycott FB? No. I'm not that strong. Who am I kidding?  I would have to go through detox if I deleted my account. But for now, for this season (holiday and metaphorical) I have to make a choice. Fight the fight inside my home, for my marriage, for my kids, for my peace.....for my God. Or choose the battles that don't effect us. I am choosing Christ, this CHRISTmas.

I choose His peace. I choose to rejoice in His birth. I choose to take every ounce of what He is handing out. Because it is a choice.

Merry Christmas and God bless you all!