Just in case anybody is counting, today is business day 27. There are a lot of things in this emotion/thought jumbled head of mine that I question, my mothers intuition is not one of them. And when we hit business day 20 (their deadline by law) and still had heard nothing, my heart knew.
Still the waiting was close to unbearable. Satan closed in our family and started attacking. The storm of waiting collided with a storm of fighting and yesterday morning Jake and I both found ourselves sinking, bobbing up and down for air and flailing our hands from the top of the waves and crying out "help! save me!". "Oh, my God, He will not delay. My refuge and strength always. I will not fear, His promise is true. My God will come through, always, always." And so so so often, God comes through in ways that we never anticipated.
Last night I picked the kids up from school and Jake headed to church for prayer. He was sitting outside the church waiting for prayer to start and his phone rang and on the other end I spoke "I just got an email from Julia. Our dossier did not get accepted. We have to change some things and try again." Disappointment. Heartbreak. Shock. Defeat. Confusion. All from an email. I told Jake to go inside and pray. That at the altar was exactly where he needed to be in that moment. He wanted to be alone. He wanted to grieve in peace. And God ushered him into the church. And this is what Jake told me last night when he got home..........."A year ago, getting this news, I would have been angry and vengeful. I would have wanted to hurt someone. Tonight, the hardest thing I've ever had to do was walk into prayer and give God praise, even while my heart is breaking. And I did it. For the first time. And I see His purpose in all of this. Because this is where He wants me." There is no way I could have said that better. THIS IS WHERE HE WANTS US.
Jake told me that last night at prayer a friend of ours began to pray for him. I'm crying just typing this. This friend was adopted from Russia as a child. Every time I look at him, I see our son in 15 years. So last night, he placed his hand on Jakes chest, and sobbing, prayed for Jake and for our family, and for our children in Ukraine. And Jake said he realized, this is our "why". Because God loves orphans. Because He calls us to free them from the chains of oppression and give them the light of Jesus.....SO THAT THEY CAN GO OUT AND SHINE THE LIGHT. How can we NOT press on? How can we, in our minimal amount of emotional distress, think that our hurt is greater than giving a child a home, love and JESUS?! We will press on.
Last night, in the hurt, God came through for us. Yesterday was the pinnacle of the fight against the attack for us. We were drowning in anxiety and bad attitudes and fear and God yesterday said "Here is your answer.....HERE I AM." Our prayer requests had become bigger to us than the ONE that answers our prayers. I don't believe we are being punished. I believe that God is redirecting us, with the purpose of perfecting us.
We talked and prayed and cried. Yes, our hearts hurt. This is ANOTHER delay. We have to wait even LONGER. And its ok. And its ok because what is the option? Is the option to be angry and in spite of Ukraines crazy particular paperwork requirements to turn our heads and say "fine! We'll go to a different country!"? Or is the option to say this is too much, lets just quit? No. None of those are options for the called. The option for us is to "keep rowing". Just as the disciples did when Jesus was praying for them as the storm raged. They kept rowing.
When God called us to run this race, He didn't specify if we would need our FloJo cleats or our Forrest Gump tennies....He just said lace 'em up and go, and I will take care of the rest. We're on mile 26.2. This is the part of the marathon where we finish the race with a triumphant spirit, because LOOK HOW FAR WE'VE COME!
There will be a day when all of these pieces fit. There will be a day when the neighbors three houses down will be able to hear the Kubnick children laughing and playing because our house will be overflowing. There will be a day when God calls us home and the wait and the pain all makes sense. And on that day we will be able to say, "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race. I have kept the faith." 2 Timothy 4:7
Pressing on. Ukraine or bust!
Ok, I tried to send you a comment on my phone, but it looks like it erased, so sorry if you get this twice :)
ReplyDeleteLast night I was on the phone with my aunt in Huntsville who is also adopting (from china) and we were talking about our adoptions and our attitude along the way....how while we obey we can sometimes take over and want things our way, our timing, but our view is limited. BUT God is already at the end of the journey, and his timing is perfection.
What if the precious babies HE wants you to have won't even be in the stack of files at SDA until three months from now, and God allowed those errors to happen!? Sometimes setbacks aren't really setbacks, they are provision. (Of course, it's easy for me to say, when we haven't sent our dossier yet!)
He is going to make sure your babies that HE wants in your family are the ones you bring home. And looking back in a couple years you will see his perfect timing and a meaning for whatever those errors where that need fixing. Much, much love and TONS of prayers.