May 3 was a Thursday. I was on the backside of a sinus/ear infection that incapacitated me for a solid 36 hours......but Mommies still have to get up and get the kids ready for school. So on this Thursday morning I was sprawled across the middle of our giant arm chair wallowing in the pain that went from my face to my ankles. Zella was still asleep and the only sounds that could be heard were those of a dogs neglected toenails tapdancing on the hardwood and Cole, slurping the milk from his Pops. And from the silence, Coles tiny voice said "Mommy, how do orphans stay alive?" The brick hit my chest.....hold it together, McKenzee, just answer his question. "Well, bud, there are these homes called orphanages where some orphans are blessed enough to go live." I could see his brain working. He questioned, "but there aren't enough orphanages for all of the orphans? So what happens to those orphans? Do they die?" Hold back the tears, McKenzee......"yes, buddy. They do." And Cole declared, "Mommy, we can bring an orphan to live with us. He can have my bed. I will sleep on the floor." I lost it. Tears of joy that God had touched my sons heart. Tears of joy that his small faith completely understood exactly what we needed to do - and tears of sadness that some of us adults, with big grown up faith, still can't see it like that. Simple. God says do it. It had been about 6 months since the last time I had talked to Cole about orphans. The last time was when we were reading his library book about Africa. We were reading a page about elephants and how hot and dry the desert is and how living conditions are unbearable without enough food and water. Annnnnnnnnnd Mommy was crying.....reading about elephants. I decided I had to stop. I couldn't drag Cole down in my sadness with me. If God chose to touch his heart for the orphan, He would do it, but it wasn't my job to make him feel something by witnessing my tears. So I stopped talking to him about it. But God had already planted the seed......and this particular Thursday, the seed sprouted. Since that Thursday, on any given night, you can find Cole, asleep on the floor of his bedroom, next to his big comfy bed. That first night I found him like that I woke him and asked him what he was doing and he replied "making room for my brother or sister." Have I mentioned how blessed I am by this little boy? Beyond blessed. Undeservingly blessed.
I sent Jake a text telling him about our conversation that Thursday morning. There's no possible way, as a parent, to not be proud of your child in that moment. But God was using our conversation for something bigger. For about two years I have been praying about fostering/adoption. When God put it on me, He put it on me heavy. And that's how I laid it on Jake. Which is the WRONG way to lay something on Jake. LOL. He wasn't mean about it. He wasn't anti fostering/adoption. He was anti-fostering/adoption for the Kubnicks. There was always a reason. At first, it was because we had our hands more than full with Zella and her protein intolerance. Then it was an issue of space - where would the kids sleep? Then it was an issue of thinking we were moving, and for a while, it was in issue of a million other things overwhelming us and Jake being aware that we couldn't handle it. I hinted and badgered and brought it up over and over until finally, I pushed too far. And Jake asked me not to bring it up again. He knew how I felt. And through it all, I prayed. I prayed that God would touch Jake. Day after day I cried out "God, why would you break my heart for these kids if this isn't your will for us?" Through our church, we have met an AMAZING group of people that have a heart for orphans. Through these several faithful families I learned that just because we aren't adopting, that doesn't mean we can't support the organizations/families that ARE called to protect them. I had a heart to heart one night with an amazing woman with a HUGE heart for God and the orphan. And she said to me "adoption may not be in Gods will for your life, so you need to pray for peace to walk that out.....you need to pray for Gods peace to walk out whatever His will may be." I choked it back. I had never considered that adopting might not be in His will for our family. The next day on my way home from work - turns out commuting is the perfect time for prayer - through tears, I gave it up. I prayed for peace.....to just walk it out. But I kept praying.....only this time, that God would keep us in His will, whatever that might be.
Several weeks later, May 3rd happened. Cole laid the anvil on my lungs that morning and it got to Jake too. Jake posted it on facebook and one of his friends asked him, "are you thinking about adoption?!" - I was a creeper that day. Repeatedly going back to that post......well, Jake? Are you? Are you thinking about adoption?!!! That night we were getting the kids bathed after dinner and Jake said to me....."soooo, hypothetically, if we were to adopt, have you thought about age, gender, or country?" Breathe, McKenzee, breathe. "To be perfectly honest, I don't care about any of those things." He replied....."how about a 5 year old boy from Ukraine? I've been doing some research..." I had to walk out of the room. I"m pretty sure my lips ripped in the corners because my grin was so huge....later that night we stood in the driveway, me in all of my no makeup sinus infection glory and I almost squeezed the life out of Jake as told me he's ready. That God laid it on him, hard. And he's ready. Thank you, Lord.
Jake asked me not to blog about it at first. We wanted to talk to our families and figure out some details. And its a good thing. Once we spoke it......the backlash began. It felt like a full on attack from every side of us. Cole was getting in trouble at school and having some serious behavior issues at home. Zella decided that she was going to do nothing but cry for several consecutive weeks. Our family drama exploded. And the insecurity.......the second I spoke the word adoption, I started feeling judged. I started feeling like every single word I spoke to my kids was being scrutinized by someone thinking that I wasn't fit to be an adoptive mother. Every disciplining action felt wrong. Every meal I fed my family wasn't balanced enough. My house wasn't clean enough. I wasn't spending enough time exercising. I couldn't give my kids the time they needed at the end of a work day. And then I remembered that its none of those things that matter. There's no definition of a perfect parent. It isn't possible to be perfect. We all fall short every single day. Regardless of the toys on the floor, the breakfast for dinner two nights in a row, the piles of laundry or the extra 15 lbs......those things don't equal love. I don't have to be a perfect parent. I just have to love. Are there other components to parenting? Of course there are. But at the end of the day, what matters most? What touches you the deepest?
The Tuesday before Fathers Day Jake was asked to give his testimony, and how it related to Fathers Day and being a father. On Fathers Day, in front of an entire congregation and most of Facebook, Jake told his story. About growing up without a father, and finding the love of God the father. And he talked about our kids, and how they will never have to wonder if he loves them. And about adoption. To say that I was proud is an exaggerated understatement. To think that God is using every second of every day of our lives, past and present, to create a story for Him is overwhelming. To think that God is using the fatherless, to hurt for the fatherless - He makes all things work together for our good. Its incredible.
So yes, there it is.The gigantic cat is out of its gigantic bag. We are adopting.We are walking completely in faith, letting God lead us through the dark, opening one candlelit door at a time. We are aware of peoples opinions, already heard a few of those!, and that well, we might not have the support of every face we meet. And that's okay. We believe, this is Gods call for our family. Its a long process. And every day of waiting will bring us exactly to the place God wants us. Every day feels like a deliverance. Like the doubt of the day before is vindicated with light of the new morning. God shows Himself to us every single day. If its in a friends perfectly timed encouraging text message or in a hug from our son whose heart is totally ready for his brother/sister, He's there. We are beyond honored to be trusted with these beautiful babies. To think that He thinks we should have more Kubnicks is humbling......but who are we to argue?
Watch out world - the Kubnicks are multiplying :)
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