1. It has been about 2.5 years since I last dreamed. Not like sleepytime dreams. The other kind of dreams. The kind of dreams that fuel the most accomplished people in the world. I used to have dreams. When I was younger they were to be a doctor or lawyer. At different times in my life those dreams have ranged from authoring a book to owning a business in a certain industry to having acres of land with horses, a barn, tons of kids (adopted and bio) and dogs. Lots and lots of dogs. And my dreams have changed just as much as my hair color over the years and also like my hair color, I can't remember the original. There has always been a crazy idea in my head. And about 2.5 years ago, this crazy adoption dream took hold of our family. And it consumed us. And in just over 1 week, David will have been home for a year. About two months ago, I started to realize how much I've lost myself in this mom thing. I do believe that God created mothers with the purpose of raising their children. But I also know that before we were mothers, we were all still God's creation. Becoming a mother doesn't negate all of the intricacy that God designed us with. And I think I forgot that. Or maybe I was just too tired to remember. But about two months I was having this moment and I started praying about God allowing me to dream again. I can't even lie, this last dream has not exactly unfolded the way that I imagined and there is a certain amount of fear in trying this whole stepping out in faith thing again. But God designed us to dream. He designed us to live with passion and to utilize the gifts that He handed to us. He designed us to faithfully pray about those dreams and about them lining up with His will. And He is faithful. He does have plans to prosper us. And not just the Mom "us", but the person "us". The one that He designed to fulfill His perfect plan. Mom thing #1 is this......God is allowing me to dream again. It's terrifying. And electrifying. And each of you should feel exactly the same way about said dreams. You should know by now that it won't be a quiet ride once they start to unfold (evil smirk). Grab your popcorn, kids.
2. I was at the gym one day last week doing squats, trying not to cry in the rack.....here's why. Two months ago, I hit my squat max at 155 lbs. When I first started working out with Jake, I could barely squat the bar. It was a HUGE deal to me the day I hit that max. Because I spent so long thinking "I'm just a Mom". And I'm not. I am not just a Mom. I am a ninja. I'm a superhero. I am freaking strong, people. Like an ox. Every time I hit a max I want to "raaaawwwrrrr" and not because I think that women that can beat up men are cool, no. Because it's an accomplishment to see that even though I think I can't, I CAN. In the last two months, something has happened to my body. I'm weak. I was struggling to squat 85 lbs. STRUG.LING. That's a huge difference. Of course Jake was just befuddled. Ever seen a man completely confused? It was Jake, staring at me with a bar across my shoulders, almost crying. And I came home, defeated. Because I worked SO HARD to get to where I was, to now be where I am. And isn't that kind of a Mom thing? I started trying to figure out what had happened and the last several years started to unfold in front of me. The way that I just gradually stopped taking care of myself. The way that I took so much pride in putting my family first and literally serving them day in and day out but completely forgetting that if I don't take care of myself, I'm not able to serve them. I started realizing the brevity of my unnecessary sacrifice. Nobody asked me to stop fixing my hair, or to stop getting highlights. Nobody suggested that maybe a new outfit every once in a while was undeserved. Nobody told me to eat crap food out of convenience because the time needed to be spent on someone else. Nobody ever said that I should stay up way too late on Pinterest trying to plan the perfect crafts and meals for my family, while sacrificing sleep and subsequently my health. Nobody ever, not one person, said that I should forego having that medical procedure done that would increase my quality of life, because the recovery would mean I couldn't take care of every single tiny thing. I did all of that to myself. Mom thing #2........we are needed. But we aren't needed so much that our families can't function for 2 hours without us while we go out and take care of ourselves. A burnt out mama is no more useful to her family than an absent one.
3. You know. I like to laugh. I really do. If you do something dumb. I'm probably going to laugh
4. I was sitting next to the tub tonight watching Zella (a.k.a. little ray of sunshine) splash and play as if there wasn't a care in the world. And I sat there next to her feeling completely defeated because upstairs, in his bed, was a little boy VERY angry with me. I've been very transparent about our trials in the last year as we've welcomed David into our home. People know it's hard. I don't detail it because I know most people think we should be past that already. But here's the thing that I was made aware of in the last week or so.......I'm not the only one struggling. A lot of y'all have that kid that puts you to bed every night feeling like you failed God and at life and why in the world did God deem you capable of parenting this person? I thought about 3 different friends of mine that I had NO idea had these struggles.......1 that is struggling with the EXACT same issues with her biological daughter that we have with David. 1 that has 4 kids, all young, and can barely hold her head above water. And 1 that has a grown biological child that she struggled for years and years with. Behavioral, medical, psychological, developmental, etc. there are moms struggling with their kids in these areas every single minute of every single day and they are going to bed at night feeling completely alone? WHY, WHY for the love of all of the womanhood in the world, are we isolating ourselves like this? I share my story so openly because I know how lonely it feels over here sometimes and I just want even just one other person to know that their is someone that can relate. It isn't always bad. Parenting isn't always defeating. There is tragedy and there is triumph down here in the trenches. But you know what? God gave us these trials so that we can proclaim His glory. Is it glorifying to Him when we keep the trial secret, so then nobody sees the triumph? Here's what I know. God is working in Davids life. I posted a post two weeks ago on FB about how David was testing on grade level and how awesome is that after all he's been through and it got more likes than any other post in months......because it was the rainbow after the rain. If I had pretended like everything was roses and butterflies for the last year, that accomplishment wouldn't have had the same impact. Mom thing #4.......God wants to use our stories. The hilarious ones. The hard ones. And the amazing ones. And they all add up to be a vibrant, electrifying, powerful testimony. We have to stop subtracting the less attractive parts of the story. We don't write the story. God does. It's our job to tell it in its entirety. So that the world can see what He, in all of His faithfulness, has done.
There is more......there is always more. But someone needs to be wiped. Prayers need to be said and nighttime snuggles need to be administered.
Mom thing #5......at the end of the day. Pray over them. There is a battle happening for their souls that the love of mama and daddy can't win alone. Even if they feel like your enemy. Do it anyways. Even if you really really really screwed up. Do it anyways. Out of obedience. There is no power like that of a praying parent.
