If you think about it, Moms are daily inundated with more than we realistically can handle. Men have this incredible ability to compartmentalize their lives. They are the waffles of the world with the syrup sitting neatly inside each tiny square. And here we are, the pancakes, with our buttery, syrup mess spread all over everything and making everything sticky. Realistically, we cannot handle more syrup. There is only so much pancake. BUT, we just keep.pouring.it.on. Here are just a few of the actual thoughts that can run through my head in any given 1 minute time frame........
**When I say "you" I am definitely referring to "me", but it makes me feel better to say it in an accusatory tone**
-Are you killing your family and cursing them to a long slow death of stomach tumors and food allergies every time you feed them white bread or non-organic vegetables?
-Are you killing your family every time you give them Tylenol or Advil?
-Are you killing your kids emotionally every time you lose your patience?
-Are you killing yourself every time you forget to go to the gym for the last 7 years?
-Are you killing your dog by feeding them cornmeal by-product in their dog food that costs $80 a month? (WHAT?!!!!)
-Are you killing your marriage by not taking care of yourself and maintaining your appearance for your husband?
-Are you killing your marriage by taking care of your appearance but subsequently killing your family budget in the process?
-Are you killing your spirituality by caring about appearances enough to consider that you could be killing your marriage by not caring?
-Are you killing your kids futures by not giving them a participation trophy every time they breathe in and out on their own?
-Are you killing their sense of humility and creating sociopathic narcissists by building their self confidence?
-Are you killing their brain cells with technology?
-Are you killing their hopes of a job by not allowing them to advance technologically with the world around them?
(Basically. We are all murderers.)
I could go on for days. If women spend any amount of time online, watching tv, at the gym, on FB, at the yuppie playground, farmers market, shopping, at the pet store.....every single place we go, we are surrounded by everything telling us exactly what we are doing wrong. Its EXHAUSTING. And yeah, some of these issues are big. Some of them aren't things we should spend our brain cells mulling over. But what happens when we allow ourselves to drown in the stuff that can easily suffocate us, is that when a REAL issue, when something HUGE rocks your family, you don't enough left in the tank to devote to dealing with the real issue. And then what happens? Shame. Guilt. What am I doing wrong? Why can't I handle this? Moms every single day all over the world are doing this and here I am, not doing it. And that doubt leads us to isolation. We quit social media and we turn to our spouses and our kids (who, by the way, have no desire at all to be your only friend......you make them tired) and then we complain that we don't have anyone to talk to because we've talked and talked and talked. And talk is what got us to this point anyways. We isolate ourselves for the sake of saving ourselves from being talked about.....and then all we do is talk about ourselves. And then, we say we don't want to talk about it. This is where I am. I have overwhelmed by noise. By things that don't matter. I am distracted from being distracted because even my distractions are distracted! And because of this.....I had no idea how quickly the pieces were falling apart.
For the last 2 weeks, every time I am in the car, and when I say "every" I mean EVERY SINGLE TIME to a point that I'm looking around for Big Brother and developing a conspiracy theory in my head, every single time I am in the car, this song by Laura Story plays.....
I've been doing all that I can
To hold it all together
Piece by piece.
I've been feeling like a failure,
Trying to be braver
Than I could ever be.
It's just not me.
So be my healer, be my comfort, be my peace.
Cause I can be broken, I can be needy,
Lord I need You now to be,
Be my God, so I can just be me.
I've been living like an orphan,
Trying to belong here,
But it's just not my home.
I've been holding on so tightly,
To all the things that I think
Could satisfy my soul.
But I'm letting go...
So be my father, my mighty warrior, be my king.
Cause I can be scattered, frail and shattered,
Lord I need You now to be,
Be my God, so I can just be me.
Cause I was lost in this dark world
Until I was finally found in You
So now I'm needing, desperately pleading
Oh Lord, be all to me
And be my savior, be my lifeline, won't You be my everything.
Cause I'm so tired of trying to be someone
I was never meant to be
Be my God
Please be my God
Be my God
So I can just be me
So I can just be me
I can just be me.
I've been trying to hold this life together. I've been filling my mind with mindless chatter and trying to be SUPER wife, mom, therapist, launderer, artist, dress maker (don't ask), tutu craftsmen, baker, chef, Pinterest professional, did I say therapist? (oy), and the list goes on......in an effort to avoid the issue. I've been putting my emphasis on these people inside of my house that need me instead of putting the emphasis on the ONE that I need. I am of no value to them without God. I've been wondering why I'm falling apart. I've been wondering why I can't be strong and hopeful and courageous and joyful in my affliction and why can't I sweep these egg shells that I've been walking on out from under my feet. And the only answer I can find, the only answer that makes any sense........is that nowhere in the list of people I've been trying to be......nowhere did I have listed, "carried, saved, rescued, redeemed, faithful, patient, child of the King". I've been trying to do it all. I've been trying to control it all. I've been trying to push Him out because faith is hard and obedience is harder and not knowing is the worst and while I stomp my foot, let me say, I don't like it. But whether I like it or not, without these things, I'm drowning. My faith cannot stand when "Oceans rise". MY FEET WILL FAIL ME EVERY SINGLE TIME if my eyes aren't focused on the One who told me to take the steps.
So it's time to clean house. Take your mom guilt and your pet owner shame and your Victorias Secret catalog full of women that need to eat a whole bunch of processed food that I will NEVER look like because the good Lord gave me a big ol' booty and child bearing hips and get out. I don't have time for you. Not because I really really like oreos and not because I don't care.....but because with you in my head, there's no room for God. With all of your noise, it is not possible to hear that still, small voice that will never fail me. With your guilt in my head of everything I'm doing wrong, there's no room for God's affirmations of the things I'm doing right and the reasons that He loves me, REGARDLESS of my answers to all of the above questions. With all of the distractions in this life about the things that don't matter, I am choosing the things that do matter. So that for right now, as our family walks out this huge, really hard stuff, I can be as valuable as God needs me to be and as valuable as He created me to be. Less syrup. More pancake.
Join me. Clean house. Take out the trash. Find what it is that God has entrusted you with that is what needs your focus NOW. I can almost promise, you will find, the thing He has entrusted to you, that is of the greatest value, is your relationship with Him.
