Change

In 1968 my Granddaddy had a dream. He had a dream of a family owned business that would do far more than make ends meet for his family. He had dreams of building a legacy. Of letting the business trickle down through generations of men with a work ethic and ability to reach people that was similar to his own.

 I remember the way his hands looked. Permanently scarred from chemical burns, worn, aged, calloused. The sign of a hardworking man. He had a distinct smell too. Now that its right out my office door I recognize it as pesticides, but then, it was just Granddaddy. The yard at his house was full of "stuff". Little john boats, chickens, goats, fifty-leven dogs....you name it. Have you ever seen that show with "Turtle Man"?  At the end of his jobs he always gets paid with things like "jars of fresh honey" or "an honorary membership to the rotary club".  That's how Granddaddy worked in the beginning. Granny was forever mad at him when he'd do a full days worth of work for a homemade pie and some venison.  But Granddaddy started his business as a working class man, doing work for working class people. He sympathized when there wasn't enough money in the budget for something simple like pest control. So he would take whatever they had to offer. I sure did love his big heart. And so the business grew. My first memories of it were the papers that were constantly overflowing on the desk in his home office. Guess when you take apple pie as payment, bookkeeping isn't real high on your priority list. And then it moved to a trailer in the yard of his house. He and my Uncle built and built the business on good old Southern business standards until business was booming. They had to hire 2 receptionists! That's big time!  Just before Granddaddy got sick....he and my Uncle laid out the plans for a new building, complete with a warehouse for chemicals and a bay big enough to hold all of the trucks....it was like their dream was unfolding in front of them. And then there was cancer.

Grannys house was an outdoors kids dream growing up. Pulling in her driveway and parking under the sprawling oak tree that covers the left side of her yard feels like something out of a movie. At the right time of year, the azaleas are so vibrant and full that it takes your breath away. And growing up, we spent a lot of time there. Just out her back door was a whole world of adventure. She had the storage shed that each spring became home to at least 2 litters of kittens (she hates cats!) and McCall and I would spend our days out there trying to find them. Another oak tree not two steps off of her porch had a tire swing, and the rickety swing set that Granddaddy built so many years before was just off to the right. And if you kept going straight, Granddaddy had his dog pens. Granny hates dogs too ;) McCall and I used to run down there and bang on the pens just to get the dogs all worked up! Ever hear 10 beagles when they get excited? Its awful. And Granny hated it. And we thought it was hilarious. Granddaddy sometimes thought he was the animal whisperer. He built a corral out behind those dog pens once and brought home this beautiful, wild black stallion. He swore up and down that he could break that horse.  We would stand out there in sheer awe at its' unbridled power.. I hated the day that Granddaddy finally admitted his defeat and the horse had to leave. Now, in the place of my childhood memories, sits an office building. My Uncle built that building that he and Granddaddy dreamed of. It was complete almost a year after Granddaddy passed away.  Right inside the front door of our office is a picture of him. He oversees the day to day operations from his place on the wall. Every now and then, when its quiet, we hear the door open or a swift breeze blow through the office, and we know he's there with us. 

I started working for the family business just shy of 7 years ago. For my entire life I have proudly said "We are Old South Exterminators".  For almost 7 years I have driven down that long driveway that winds behind Granny's house and into the back yard of our office and every day have been flooded with childhood memories that are irreplaceable. Childhood memories that I long to recreate for my kids. And when I started working for the family, That was part of my goal. I was holding on to the memories that made me who I am.

But things change. People change. Life evolves. People pass away leaving giant empty spots in our lives and leaving us less of ourselves. Greed takes over.  And as a result, families change.  This week, ours did. We sold out. A dream deferred. Another statistic.

I can't even look at that picture of Granddaddy right now. The only comfort I have is knowing that maybe he's sitting there next to God and God is telling him all of the reasons why this is a good thing and of all of the plans that He has for us. I tried my hardest to rest my mind in the promise of hope and a future today. I taped a Ukrainian flag next to our family picture on my computer so that all day long I could remember what I'm fighting for. And while my brain knows that its true, my heart is heavy.  I won't go into the reasons why or what happened or how. But it feels wrong. It feels wrong to give away a dream for money. It feels wrong to give away a dream for anything. I drove down that long driveway today to come home to MY dream. And I realized that its time to let go. You can't move forward, if you're always looking back.  I will always have my memories. I will always have that black stallion and beagles and john boats and chickens. The oak trees are still standing and the azaleas still bloom every Spring. I have to remember each day that maybe all dreams aren't in Gods plans. And I have to trust, wholeheartedly, that He knows what He's doing. And so tomorrow, I'll become an employee, not a family member. And I'll look at my Kubnick family and that little flag and gut through it. For another paycheck. For a plane ticket. For an agency fee. Because while my dreams for the company might not be in Gods plans, I know wholeheartedly, that the dream He has planted in my heart for my family, is 100% His design. And I have to do, even through tears, what I have to do to make that happen. I'm leaning on my education at a Christian school tonight....remembering all of those verses I hated learning and am so thankful now that I did.

"Delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart" - Psalm 37:4
"TRUST in the Lord, with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." - Proverbs 3:5-6
"Many are the plans in a mans heart, but it is the Lords purpose that prevails." - Proverbs 19:21
"For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you. Plans of hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11

"For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5

Looking forward to tomorrow morning :)