Just in case anybody is counting, today is business day 27. There are a lot of things in this emotion/thought jumbled head of mine that I question, my mothers intuition is not one of them. And when we hit business day 20 (their deadline by law) and still had heard nothing, my heart knew.
Still the waiting was close to unbearable. Satan closed in our family and started attacking. The storm of waiting collided with a storm of fighting and yesterday morning Jake and I both found ourselves sinking, bobbing up and down for air and flailing our hands from the top of the waves and crying out "help! save me!". "Oh, my God, He will not delay. My refuge and strength always. I will not fear, His promise is true. My God will come through, always, always." And so so so often, God comes through in ways that we never anticipated.
Last night I picked the kids up from school and Jake headed to church for prayer. He was sitting outside the church waiting for prayer to start and his phone rang and on the other end I spoke "I just got an email from Julia. Our dossier did not get accepted. We have to change some things and try again." Disappointment. Heartbreak. Shock. Defeat. Confusion. All from an email. I told Jake to go inside and pray. That at the altar was exactly where he needed to be in that moment. He wanted to be alone. He wanted to grieve in peace. And God ushered him into the church. And this is what Jake told me last night when he got home..........."A year ago, getting this news, I would have been angry and vengeful. I would have wanted to hurt someone. Tonight, the hardest thing I've ever had to do was walk into prayer and give God praise, even while my heart is breaking. And I did it. For the first time. And I see His purpose in all of this. Because this is where He wants me." There is no way I could have said that better. THIS IS WHERE HE WANTS US.
Jake told me that last night at prayer a friend of ours began to pray for him. I'm crying just typing this. This friend was adopted from Russia as a child. Every time I look at him, I see our son in 15 years. So last night, he placed his hand on Jakes chest, and sobbing, prayed for Jake and for our family, and for our children in Ukraine. And Jake said he realized, this is our "why". Because God loves orphans. Because He calls us to free them from the chains of oppression and give them the light of Jesus.....SO THAT THEY CAN GO OUT AND SHINE THE LIGHT. How can we NOT press on? How can we, in our minimal amount of emotional distress, think that our hurt is greater than giving a child a home, love and JESUS?! We will press on.
Last night, in the hurt, God came through for us. Yesterday was the pinnacle of the fight against the attack for us. We were drowning in anxiety and bad attitudes and fear and God yesterday said "Here is your answer.....HERE I AM." Our prayer requests had become bigger to us than the ONE that answers our prayers. I don't believe we are being punished. I believe that God is redirecting us, with the purpose of perfecting us.
We talked and prayed and cried. Yes, our hearts hurt. This is ANOTHER delay. We have to wait even LONGER. And its ok. And its ok because what is the option? Is the option to be angry and in spite of Ukraines crazy particular paperwork requirements to turn our heads and say "fine! We'll go to a different country!"? Or is the option to say this is too much, lets just quit? No. None of those are options for the called. The option for us is to "keep rowing". Just as the disciples did when Jesus was praying for them as the storm raged. They kept rowing.
When God called us to run this race, He didn't specify if we would need our FloJo cleats or our Forrest Gump tennies....He just said lace 'em up and go, and I will take care of the rest. We're on mile 26.2. This is the part of the marathon where we finish the race with a triumphant spirit, because LOOK HOW FAR WE'VE COME!
There will be a day when all of these pieces fit. There will be a day when the neighbors three houses down will be able to hear the Kubnick children laughing and playing because our house will be overflowing. There will be a day when God calls us home and the wait and the pain all makes sense. And on that day we will be able to say, "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race. I have kept the faith." 2 Timothy 4:7
Pressing on. Ukraine or bust!
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Monday, April 15, 2013
While we're waiting......
First off, a little nugget of completely useless information for you.....the Christian singer/song writer John Waller sings this awesome song called "While I'm Waiting". The song talks about serving, praising and praying while waiting on the Lord to complete His work. In February of this year, John and his family completed a Ukrainian adoption of siblings......when he sings this song, I know - he TOTALLY gets what it means to wait. Bet you feel smarter now.
So the waiting.....the waiting has NOT at all been easy. We've been waiting for what feels like an eternity to get to Ukraine. On March 22, our dossier was officially submitted to the SDA in Ukraine for review. The next step is they give us an appointment date......and then we go! In the meantime, Jake and I have been worked, HARD, by the devil and God. We have both literally felt like cartoon characters with a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. And through this time, while we are waiting, we have been reminded of so many things.....and I thought that maybe, as you walk through your day, or your storm, that maybe you need a few reminders too.
1. NOTHING is wasted by God. There isn't a single tear, or laugh, or cry, that He doesn't cherish and intend to use. Feeling sorry for yourself because of the way you grew up or because your dad left or your mom is insensitive or because you're the black sheep? He wants to use it. He wants to show you that when He says He has a plan.......He has a plan. He wants you to see that for those that love Him, ALL things are being worked together for your good. If you know me and Jake, and any part of either of our stories, we are walking and breathing examples of His undying, full of grace, relentless, pursuing, rescuing, freeing, chain breaking, merciful, breathtaking, blood soaked love for us. And now that we can see how only a few of the pieces fit together......we can see only the part of Gods plan that has already passed, He has proved to us that His plan is ALWAYS better. Know that wherever you are today, He wants to use it. Stop wallowing. Ask God to show you how to turn your suffering into an offering. And then be ready.....He WILL use you, if you say "yes".
2. God fully intends to stretch us. Waiting is hard, yes. And its necessary. If we had completed our adoption process in 6 months, this blog right now would be begging for someone to come rescue me from these kids that I can't control. Asking God to bring us closer to Him requires change...and it requires a casting off of things that are old. And that is super painful. I was reminded last night of this comment "a large majority of the issues that we have with our kids, stems from our own selfishness." The Refiners fire is HOT. But this waiting period has been stuffed full of conviction for us. FULL OF CONVICTION. Like, the kind where you don't wanna get out of bed because your heart is tired from working so hard. Every day God is revealing situations or relationships, attitudes or tones of voice, habits or lack of habits to both of us. It can feel overwhelming and the devil will sit on your shoulder and say "what kind of Father would repeatedly show you what you're doing wrong? He doesn't love you!" and because DARKNESS WILL ALWAYS LOSE OUT TO LIGHT, I am reminded by the angel on the other shoulder......"This is the word that came to Jeremiah from the Lord, 'Go down to the potters house, and there I will give you my message'. So I went down to the potters house and I saw him working at the wheel. But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred from his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him. Then the word of the Lord came to me. He said 'can I not do with you, Israel, as this potter does?' declares the Lord. 'Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand'." Jeremiah 18:1-6 We are clay in the same hands that shaped the universe, formed the stars and counted the hairs on our heads. Stretch us. Convict us. Mold us. While we are waiting.....prepare us.
3. This morning, my baby girl didn't want to go to daycare. Kids can sense stuff. She knows change is coming. So does Cole. They really have no concept of time.....but in their little hearts, God is preparing them, just as He is preparing us. And as I was driving to work this morning with the sounds of Zellas cries for me haunting me.....I felt like God was saying to me "ENJOY the wait. BE STILL. I have given you this time to revel in your family now. You will never again be a family of 4. Stop. Hold your kids. Stop always anticipating tomorrow, and just be thankful for the nothingness of today." We've been CRAZY busy for a year. A year. God knows what we need. He knows we need time. He knows we need to breathe Him in before we can truly breathe Him out. If we can't sit still at His feet, and bask in everything that He is offering us, can we really bring our children, broken and hurting, to a place where they too will be able to truly rest in His promises? No. We can't. We are just ambassadors. We are just vessels. We are facilitators to the healing that our Ukrainian children will have to go through and assistants for the struggles that Cole and Zella will endure as a result of this adoption. We know, that the healing will come from the Great Physician. We know that He will infiltrate their lives just as He has ours........but we have to show them. God has offered us this time of waiting and rest, to prepare our hearts for SHOWING these children what it means to love Jesus. And we show them by trusting His every single promise. He will restore. He knows every need. His love is more vast than our minds can process. He mends the broken hearted. He breaks the chains. He heals. He comforts. We have to believe it before they will be able to see it. So for now, while we're waiting.....we rest in Him.
This got kind of long......I could go on for a few more hours about the lessons God is teaching us every day. The three above are just from the last 24 hours!
But here's the deal......it's coming. A travel date is coming soon. My prayer is that my next update will read ....... "Ukraine or Bust!"
Happy Monday!
So the waiting.....the waiting has NOT at all been easy. We've been waiting for what feels like an eternity to get to Ukraine. On March 22, our dossier was officially submitted to the SDA in Ukraine for review. The next step is they give us an appointment date......and then we go! In the meantime, Jake and I have been worked, HARD, by the devil and God. We have both literally felt like cartoon characters with a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. And through this time, while we are waiting, we have been reminded of so many things.....and I thought that maybe, as you walk through your day, or your storm, that maybe you need a few reminders too.
1. NOTHING is wasted by God. There isn't a single tear, or laugh, or cry, that He doesn't cherish and intend to use. Feeling sorry for yourself because of the way you grew up or because your dad left or your mom is insensitive or because you're the black sheep? He wants to use it. He wants to show you that when He says He has a plan.......He has a plan. He wants you to see that for those that love Him, ALL things are being worked together for your good. If you know me and Jake, and any part of either of our stories, we are walking and breathing examples of His undying, full of grace, relentless, pursuing, rescuing, freeing, chain breaking, merciful, breathtaking, blood soaked love for us. And now that we can see how only a few of the pieces fit together......we can see only the part of Gods plan that has already passed, He has proved to us that His plan is ALWAYS better. Know that wherever you are today, He wants to use it. Stop wallowing. Ask God to show you how to turn your suffering into an offering. And then be ready.....He WILL use you, if you say "yes".
2. God fully intends to stretch us. Waiting is hard, yes. And its necessary. If we had completed our adoption process in 6 months, this blog right now would be begging for someone to come rescue me from these kids that I can't control. Asking God to bring us closer to Him requires change...and it requires a casting off of things that are old. And that is super painful. I was reminded last night of this comment "a large majority of the issues that we have with our kids, stems from our own selfishness." The Refiners fire is HOT. But this waiting period has been stuffed full of conviction for us. FULL OF CONVICTION. Like, the kind where you don't wanna get out of bed because your heart is tired from working so hard. Every day God is revealing situations or relationships, attitudes or tones of voice, habits or lack of habits to both of us. It can feel overwhelming and the devil will sit on your shoulder and say "what kind of Father would repeatedly show you what you're doing wrong? He doesn't love you!" and because DARKNESS WILL ALWAYS LOSE OUT TO LIGHT, I am reminded by the angel on the other shoulder......"This is the word that came to Jeremiah from the Lord, 'Go down to the potters house, and there I will give you my message'. So I went down to the potters house and I saw him working at the wheel. But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred from his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him. Then the word of the Lord came to me. He said 'can I not do with you, Israel, as this potter does?' declares the Lord. 'Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand'." Jeremiah 18:1-6 We are clay in the same hands that shaped the universe, formed the stars and counted the hairs on our heads. Stretch us. Convict us. Mold us. While we are waiting.....prepare us.
3. This morning, my baby girl didn't want to go to daycare. Kids can sense stuff. She knows change is coming. So does Cole. They really have no concept of time.....but in their little hearts, God is preparing them, just as He is preparing us. And as I was driving to work this morning with the sounds of Zellas cries for me haunting me.....I felt like God was saying to me "ENJOY the wait. BE STILL. I have given you this time to revel in your family now. You will never again be a family of 4. Stop. Hold your kids. Stop always anticipating tomorrow, and just be thankful for the nothingness of today." We've been CRAZY busy for a year. A year. God knows what we need. He knows we need time. He knows we need to breathe Him in before we can truly breathe Him out. If we can't sit still at His feet, and bask in everything that He is offering us, can we really bring our children, broken and hurting, to a place where they too will be able to truly rest in His promises? No. We can't. We are just ambassadors. We are just vessels. We are facilitators to the healing that our Ukrainian children will have to go through and assistants for the struggles that Cole and Zella will endure as a result of this adoption. We know, that the healing will come from the Great Physician. We know that He will infiltrate their lives just as He has ours........but we have to show them. God has offered us this time of waiting and rest, to prepare our hearts for SHOWING these children what it means to love Jesus. And we show them by trusting His every single promise. He will restore. He knows every need. His love is more vast than our minds can process. He mends the broken hearted. He breaks the chains. He heals. He comforts. We have to believe it before they will be able to see it. So for now, while we're waiting.....we rest in Him.
This got kind of long......I could go on for a few more hours about the lessons God is teaching us every day. The three above are just from the last 24 hours!
But here's the deal......it's coming. A travel date is coming soon. My prayer is that my next update will read ....... "Ukraine or Bust!"
Happy Monday!
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Breaking thermometers.......
I have been waiting to write this post since about May of 2012. When God first called us to this journey of adoption, the numbers sitting in front of us were nothing short of daunting. When God pointed us toward Ukraine, we were relieved to find that the fees would be less than some other countries in world. At the beginning of this process........there was a whole lot of "we".
And through the journey, God has broken those thoughts of "we are relieved to find that the fees would be less" down into "if I call you, I will provide". He has been faithful to His promises. There are about 30 different scripture references that I could give you right now.....of being required to ask so that we can receive, of Him knowing every hair on our heads and genuinely loving us, of God setting the lonely in families, of Him requiring our faith to only match the size of a mustard seed.....but the only one, over and over in my head is this one......"If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer." Matthew 21:22. Does that mean that when Jake bought his lottery ticket yesterday and he said "God, I can do SO much good with this money....." does that mean that God will make all 6 numbers match? Nope. For us, and for so many families, that means that when in Gods will, every penny of what you need to fund your adoption, will show up just in time. It means that even the super crappy parts of adoption, are necessary parts, that He is using to work for our good.
We closed our Kubnick Family Adoption Auction on Friday, March 15th.The auction made $1778!!!! Our goal was $2500. In the days following the auction, we were overwhelmed with blessings.....overwhelmed with people facebooking or texting saying "I feel led to give". As of this week, once we collect everything for the auction, we will have met our fundraising goal of $26,000.00. Correction.....God met the fundraising goal of $26,000.00. And just in time......
On Friday, our dossier was officially submitted to the SDA (the adoption authority in Ukraine). We should have either an appointment date, or a "you need to fix this paperwork" notification, within 20 business days of Friday. We are praising God for the appointment date :)
We cannot say thank you enough to the families and individuals that have been obedient to God in donating goods, writing us checks, loving our kids, praying us through, checking on us, and so many other things. Please know that your obedience has been our miracle. We are humbled that you all want to walk this journey with us......and blessed to know that we are bringing children into a "family" that will love, encourage, and nurture them....just as you do for us.
Thank you.....for helping us bust this thermometer wide open!
"Commit to the Lord, whatever you do, and your plans will succeed." Proverbs 16:3
And through the journey, God has broken those thoughts of "we are relieved to find that the fees would be less" down into "if I call you, I will provide". He has been faithful to His promises. There are about 30 different scripture references that I could give you right now.....of being required to ask so that we can receive, of Him knowing every hair on our heads and genuinely loving us, of God setting the lonely in families, of Him requiring our faith to only match the size of a mustard seed.....but the only one, over and over in my head is this one......"If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer." Matthew 21:22. Does that mean that when Jake bought his lottery ticket yesterday and he said "God, I can do SO much good with this money....." does that mean that God will make all 6 numbers match? Nope. For us, and for so many families, that means that when in Gods will, every penny of what you need to fund your adoption, will show up just in time. It means that even the super crappy parts of adoption, are necessary parts, that He is using to work for our good.
We closed our Kubnick Family Adoption Auction on Friday, March 15th.The auction made $1778!!!! Our goal was $2500. In the days following the auction, we were overwhelmed with blessings.....overwhelmed with people facebooking or texting saying "I feel led to give". As of this week, once we collect everything for the auction, we will have met our fundraising goal of $26,000.00. Correction.....God met the fundraising goal of $26,000.00. And just in time......
On Friday, our dossier was officially submitted to the SDA (the adoption authority in Ukraine). We should have either an appointment date, or a "you need to fix this paperwork" notification, within 20 business days of Friday. We are praising God for the appointment date :)
We cannot say thank you enough to the families and individuals that have been obedient to God in donating goods, writing us checks, loving our kids, praying us through, checking on us, and so many other things. Please know that your obedience has been our miracle. We are humbled that you all want to walk this journey with us......and blessed to know that we are bringing children into a "family" that will love, encourage, and nurture them....just as you do for us.
Thank you.....for helping us bust this thermometer wide open!
"Commit to the Lord, whatever you do, and your plans will succeed." Proverbs 16:3
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Ya'll! Look what God did!
If you're logging in and reading from your computer, look to the right of your screen at our fundraising thermometer. Last week....it was $1,150.00 lower.
In ONE week. That's 7 days. God has placed it on the hearts of 2 incredible families to give a combined $1,150.00. to our adoption. Let me make this clear..........neither of these families is breaking the top tax bracket ceiling. They are young, with young families. Giving to us was a sacrifice. And their obedience to Gods "orders" this week, have been our miracle.
As we face this last, daunting $5,000, God used these families to remind us that He is still faithful. He is still with us every step of the way. He is still working when we can't see Him moving.
We are.......overwhelmed with Gods goodness. Humbled by these families that have hearts for orphans and listen when God says "give". Undeservingly blessed beyond measure.
There aren't enough words to say thank you. Not just to these two families.....but to EVERY person through this adoption process that has donated to us, prayed for us, bought Scentsy from me, sent us an encouraging text at Gods prompting, given more to us (LOL - we have some repeat offenders!), prayed for Cole and Zella, hugged us when we didn't want to say we needed it, carried us through the really really hard times.....these are all sacrifices. Our ENTIRE family, current and future Kubnicks alike, are forever grateful.
God is still good. Today, yesterday, and tomorrow.
In ONE week. That's 7 days. God has placed it on the hearts of 2 incredible families to give a combined $1,150.00. to our adoption. Let me make this clear..........neither of these families is breaking the top tax bracket ceiling. They are young, with young families. Giving to us was a sacrifice. And their obedience to Gods "orders" this week, have been our miracle.
As we face this last, daunting $5,000, God used these families to remind us that He is still faithful. He is still with us every step of the way. He is still working when we can't see Him moving.
We are.......overwhelmed with Gods goodness. Humbled by these families that have hearts for orphans and listen when God says "give". Undeservingly blessed beyond measure.
There aren't enough words to say thank you. Not just to these two families.....but to EVERY person through this adoption process that has donated to us, prayed for us, bought Scentsy from me, sent us an encouraging text at Gods prompting, given more to us (LOL - we have some repeat offenders!), prayed for Cole and Zella, hugged us when we didn't want to say we needed it, carried us through the really really hard times.....these are all sacrifices. Our ENTIRE family, current and future Kubnicks alike, are forever grateful.
God is still good. Today, yesterday, and tomorrow.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Nothing Catchy
I can't think of a title for tonight. There isn't anything catchy that will effectively sum up all of the madness in my brain. So just hold on while I weed through the muck....there's a point, I promise.
On Friday, Jake visited our new favorite FedEx store (by favorite I mean, we should ask about a stock option after the amount of money we've spent there in the last month) and he mailed our final, corrected, re-corrected, re-re-corrected medical documents to Ukraine. Our translator has the rest of our dossier ready to go and is litrally just waiting on the mail man. We aren't in the clear yet, though. As much as I want to squeal with delight, we won't be officially cleared of any paperwork errors until the message is received that says "you have an appointment with SDA on......". THEN, we cheer! In the meantime, continue to pray for our family as the figurative pins and needles feel more literal every day ;)
So now that we think that we can expect a travel date soon, we're forced to deal with this one issue that we have graciously ignored up until this point......Cole and Zella. The mother in me wants to jump off a cliff at the idea of leaving them for 4-6 weeks. The mother in me wants to just take them with us. But I know that's not what God is asking us to do. When God called us to Ukraine, He made it very clear that none of this process would be done on our terms. This is no exception to that. If we knew, if we had the faces and names of our children, we would take Cole and Zella. But when we arrive in Ukraine we will be asked to choose, based on a few medical records, which child(ren) we believe God has chosen for our family. We need to be able to hear Him, with our best listening ears, with as few emotional or physical distractions as possible. The lives of our future children depends on our obedience. But no pressure. So today, we started planning. Today, it started to hit me. Today, the weight of what is about to happen, began to weigh on my shoulders and for about 20 minutes, God allowed me to believe that my hurt was suffering, and then He snapped me out of it......
We designated today as "Mommy and Daddy are wearing clothes with holes in them after not shopping for themselves for over a year, today we buy clothes" day. We packed up the herd and hit Savannah and the second we pulled into the parking lot (keep in mind, this is all while I was wallowing in having to make uncomfortable decisions and feeling sorry for myself), there was a homeless man very slowly making his way through the parking lot. Jake and I cringed a little. Cole is 7 now. He GETS it. And it hurts him. And he doesn't understand suffering just as much as we don't understand suffering, but as parents, we still try to shield him. It wasn't possible today. We got out of the truck, nervously opened the stroller, took children by the hand and Jake and I both paused.....this is that moment. That moment when God slaps you in the face. We both heard this gentlemen before we saw him. You could hear his agony. He was coughing very very badly and with every step there was a painful moan that probably generated from his deformed foot. We just stood there. squeezing the life out of our kids hands as if it would pour life into him. I heard it in Jakes voice. His own agony of having no idea how to help the man. What do we do? What do we say? Where is a shelter in Savannah? And I had no solutions. None. I went to church this morning and listened to the preacher tell me how much God loved me as I sipped on my hot coffee with my new hair color and cute boots. And I had not a single solution for this mans suffering.....except to pray. And as a family we stood in the parking lot and prayed for this man and I caught Cole patting me on the back when we finished praying as if to say "you met your good deed quota". And walking away, the prayer felt like it was in vain. So I'm so good and holy that I can fly to a foreign country and adopt a child or two in the name of Jesus commanding us to look after the widows and orphans, but I can't count the guy in the parking lot in the same category as "the least of these"? And then I walked into a mall, to buy myself new clothes, when the ones that I was wearing were perfectly fine. And the feeling that I felt......the thing that turns into more of a whispering than a feeling, it didn't go away today.
Normal shopping trips consist of me beating myself up in at least 3 dressing rooms and leaving with maybe two shirts because the bottom half of me is allergic to pants made for skinny people. I couldn't even try them on today. I don't need new pants! Do I have any comprehension of how blessed I am to even have pants?!!! What makes me so special? What makes my kids so special? Why was Gods plan for OUR lives so blessed......and the lives of the homeless, and the lives of 100's of millions of orphans, why were the plans for their lives different than the plan for my own? I can't say that its because I've been a good Christian girl my whole life. Because I haven't. I am fully aware that God saved me, and sought me out. I can think back, just right in the very moment, of at least 10 times when I could have died or been severely injured or made the wrong life altering decision.....I know God saved me and sought me out and pursued me. My sins are no greater or no less.....or less punishable or more forgiveable than any other sinners. So why me? Why this blessed life for someone so painfully undeserving? Why so many blessings, for someone so quick to wallow in non-suffering? And God reminded me of His plan......that we walk, trusting, but always seeking His face, even when we don't know the why and there is more hurt than we can wrap our brains around and the suffering is gut wrenching and there isn't aren't enough resources....we have to trust Him anyways, even in the suffering, seeking His face.
Here's the thing......I don't know their stories. But I know mine. I know that my story is one of deliverance. Its a story of pain that ends in great joy. Its a story, that because of the pursuant love of God, my story never ends! Today, we failed. WE FAILED. Jesus' hands and feet never walked away and prayed. He laid His hands on the leper. He touched the eyes of the blind man. He got up in the mess and muck and mire and stood us on the rock. Today, because we let ourselves get distracted from what the goal should always be, we let a soul walk away from us. We let an opportunity be missed. Never again.
Jake and I have said from the very beginning of this adoption, that it wasn't just about children. Today, I believe that more than ever. Yes.....we are humbled and honored that God chose such an imperfect pair to parent one/two (insert your number here) blessings. But God has been working us, hard, through this whole journey. He has been constantly reminding us that His heart doesn't ONLY hurt for children and it doesn't ONLY hurt for orphans. He loves EVERYONE. He has been taking the super duper ugly parts of us and exposing them in nasty ugly ways. He has shown us that all that we have, is 1st, its His and 2nd, way more than we need. He has shown us what it means to be adopted.....because we've lived it. He has shown us what it means to be walking blindly by faith. He has shown us what it means to truly give it up and trust. He has shown us that He is faithful in His promises. He has shown us that He will make our paths straight if all of our ways acknowledge Him. We mess up. Every. Single. Day. Multiple times a day. And He has shown to us, every single day, that He loves us. He loves us. And love is a choice. He chooses us. Its our responsibility to choose Him. To choose love. To be love.
We are undeservingly blessed to lay our heads down tonight with hope of a future. With the hope of joy in the morning. Every single person, big, small, whatever....they all deserve that hope, that joy.
On Friday, Jake visited our new favorite FedEx store (by favorite I mean, we should ask about a stock option after the amount of money we've spent there in the last month) and he mailed our final, corrected, re-corrected, re-re-corrected medical documents to Ukraine. Our translator has the rest of our dossier ready to go and is litrally just waiting on the mail man. We aren't in the clear yet, though. As much as I want to squeal with delight, we won't be officially cleared of any paperwork errors until the message is received that says "you have an appointment with SDA on......". THEN, we cheer! In the meantime, continue to pray for our family as the figurative pins and needles feel more literal every day ;)
So now that we think that we can expect a travel date soon, we're forced to deal with this one issue that we have graciously ignored up until this point......Cole and Zella. The mother in me wants to jump off a cliff at the idea of leaving them for 4-6 weeks. The mother in me wants to just take them with us. But I know that's not what God is asking us to do. When God called us to Ukraine, He made it very clear that none of this process would be done on our terms. This is no exception to that. If we knew, if we had the faces and names of our children, we would take Cole and Zella. But when we arrive in Ukraine we will be asked to choose, based on a few medical records, which child(ren) we believe God has chosen for our family. We need to be able to hear Him, with our best listening ears, with as few emotional or physical distractions as possible. The lives of our future children depends on our obedience. But no pressure. So today, we started planning. Today, it started to hit me. Today, the weight of what is about to happen, began to weigh on my shoulders and for about 20 minutes, God allowed me to believe that my hurt was suffering, and then He snapped me out of it......
We designated today as "Mommy and Daddy are wearing clothes with holes in them after not shopping for themselves for over a year, today we buy clothes" day. We packed up the herd and hit Savannah and the second we pulled into the parking lot (keep in mind, this is all while I was wallowing in having to make uncomfortable decisions and feeling sorry for myself), there was a homeless man very slowly making his way through the parking lot. Jake and I cringed a little. Cole is 7 now. He GETS it. And it hurts him. And he doesn't understand suffering just as much as we don't understand suffering, but as parents, we still try to shield him. It wasn't possible today. We got out of the truck, nervously opened the stroller, took children by the hand and Jake and I both paused.....this is that moment. That moment when God slaps you in the face. We both heard this gentlemen before we saw him. You could hear his agony. He was coughing very very badly and with every step there was a painful moan that probably generated from his deformed foot. We just stood there. squeezing the life out of our kids hands as if it would pour life into him. I heard it in Jakes voice. His own agony of having no idea how to help the man. What do we do? What do we say? Where is a shelter in Savannah? And I had no solutions. None. I went to church this morning and listened to the preacher tell me how much God loved me as I sipped on my hot coffee with my new hair color and cute boots. And I had not a single solution for this mans suffering.....except to pray. And as a family we stood in the parking lot and prayed for this man and I caught Cole patting me on the back when we finished praying as if to say "you met your good deed quota". And walking away, the prayer felt like it was in vain. So I'm so good and holy that I can fly to a foreign country and adopt a child or two in the name of Jesus commanding us to look after the widows and orphans, but I can't count the guy in the parking lot in the same category as "the least of these"? And then I walked into a mall, to buy myself new clothes, when the ones that I was wearing were perfectly fine. And the feeling that I felt......the thing that turns into more of a whispering than a feeling, it didn't go away today.
Normal shopping trips consist of me beating myself up in at least 3 dressing rooms and leaving with maybe two shirts because the bottom half of me is allergic to pants made for skinny people. I couldn't even try them on today. I don't need new pants! Do I have any comprehension of how blessed I am to even have pants?!!! What makes me so special? What makes my kids so special? Why was Gods plan for OUR lives so blessed......and the lives of the homeless, and the lives of 100's of millions of orphans, why were the plans for their lives different than the plan for my own? I can't say that its because I've been a good Christian girl my whole life. Because I haven't. I am fully aware that God saved me, and sought me out. I can think back, just right in the very moment, of at least 10 times when I could have died or been severely injured or made the wrong life altering decision.....I know God saved me and sought me out and pursued me. My sins are no greater or no less.....or less punishable or more forgiveable than any other sinners. So why me? Why this blessed life for someone so painfully undeserving? Why so many blessings, for someone so quick to wallow in non-suffering? And God reminded me of His plan......that we walk, trusting, but always seeking His face, even when we don't know the why and there is more hurt than we can wrap our brains around and the suffering is gut wrenching and there isn't aren't enough resources....we have to trust Him anyways, even in the suffering, seeking His face.
Here's the thing......I don't know their stories. But I know mine. I know that my story is one of deliverance. Its a story of pain that ends in great joy. Its a story, that because of the pursuant love of God, my story never ends! Today, we failed. WE FAILED. Jesus' hands and feet never walked away and prayed. He laid His hands on the leper. He touched the eyes of the blind man. He got up in the mess and muck and mire and stood us on the rock. Today, because we let ourselves get distracted from what the goal should always be, we let a soul walk away from us. We let an opportunity be missed. Never again.
Jake and I have said from the very beginning of this adoption, that it wasn't just about children. Today, I believe that more than ever. Yes.....we are humbled and honored that God chose such an imperfect pair to parent one/two (insert your number here) blessings. But God has been working us, hard, through this whole journey. He has been constantly reminding us that His heart doesn't ONLY hurt for children and it doesn't ONLY hurt for orphans. He loves EVERYONE. He has been taking the super duper ugly parts of us and exposing them in nasty ugly ways. He has shown us that all that we have, is 1st, its His and 2nd, way more than we need. He has shown us what it means to be adopted.....because we've lived it. He has shown us what it means to be walking blindly by faith. He has shown us what it means to truly give it up and trust. He has shown us that He is faithful in His promises. He has shown us that He will make our paths straight if all of our ways acknowledge Him. We mess up. Every. Single. Day. Multiple times a day. And He has shown to us, every single day, that He loves us. He loves us. And love is a choice. He chooses us. Its our responsibility to choose Him. To choose love. To be love.
We are undeservingly blessed to lay our heads down tonight with hope of a future. With the hope of joy in the morning. Every single person, big, small, whatever....they all deserve that hope, that joy.
Monday, January 28, 2013
Numbers
There's a joke in our house (ok, kind of a joke, kind of not a joke) these days. It goes like this......"what does God do with two Christians that are control freaks?" "He sends them to Ukraine". (Insert uncomfortable laughter) Why is this a joke? Because this is our story.
Jake and I are overthinkers, overplanners, overanticipators. We are both strong personalities that understand our responsibility in things like paying the bills on time, keeping our kids on a schedule and making sure that other drivers are made aware when they fail to follow basic safety rules like using turn signals ;) We planned for both of our children based on our financial stability at the time. At the beginning of each year, a new planner is better than Christmas morning for me. Jake did a bodybuilding competition just because he thought it was amazing that meal planning and calorie counting and responsible eating could transform his body. We take the things handed to us and hold onto them with pride in knowing that we will perform the task well with the skills we have been equipped with. WE will accomplish the goal. This was us 9 months ago. And then God whispered "Ukraine".
I had been praying about adoption for two years. In those two years I had envisioned the only type of adoptive family I had ever known......and it included brown babies with braids and sparkly white teeth. I had never considered the "where" even when my heart was quite certain of the "what". And somewhere in that two years of me being a not so quiet influence over Jake, he started quietly talking to God about adoption. And God painted an entirely different picture for Jake, than what I had painted in my mind. Jake had been privately praying about and researching adoption and one night, very randomly and pretty much shockingly, he said to me "ok. So hypothetically, if we were to adopt, have you thought about where, age or gender?" After I left the room and gained my composure I told him that I hadn't considered those things and he replied, "I think there's a 5 year old little boy in Ukraine for us." And our journey began.
A FEW FUN FACTS:
Ukraine is one of very few countries in the world that does not allow for pre-selection in the adoption process (unless it is a much older child or a child with severe special needs). You are able to specify age range and gender, but there is no catalog of faces or list of waiting children to choose from (there are exceptions to this.....we aren't one of those exceptions). When we arrive in Ukraine, we will be given 2 or 3 medical records. We will go over the medical records with our translator and pray and decide which child, or children, we would like to meet. Our facilitator has done over 1,000 adoptions. Only once has the first choice not been perfect. Ukraine does not allow children under the age of 5 to be adopted to non-Ukrainian citizens, unless the child younger than the age of 5 is sibling to a child over the age of 5. We are open to siblings. But will have no idea if we will be traveling home with one or two children until we are there. In fact, I feel certain there will be 2. We did not specify gender, but did say we would like for Cole to remain the oldest child in our family. So we will be adopting ages 7 and under. Because there is no pre-selection, the entire process, from start to finish, must be completed upon travel to Ukraine, which makes the average trip anywhere from 3-8 weeks. We have no idea how long we will be required to be in Ukraine. We are preparing, financially, for 4 weeks of lodging, food, and other in country expenses. Ukraine does not deal with adoption agencies. "Oh what agency did you use?" "Me". Yes, I'm it. We have a facilitator, but her main job is to introduce us to our translator. I'm it......and I'm no expert.
These are the things we discovered at the beginning of our journey. And every time we stopped and said "God, these are BIG hurdles for us. How are we going to prepare if there are so many unknowns? Is Ukraine REALLY the place you want us?" and each time, God would open a door and say "yes. Keep moving." I had extreme doubt about Ukraine in the beginning. Turns out, it was my fear of letting Jake lead our family. And then Jake said, "this is our Jericho. Lets pray circles around it for 7 days, and the walls will fall." And we did. NO matter where we were, at work, on a girls trip to Jacksonville, no matter where, every day we prayed that God would show us exactly where He wanted us. And on the 7th day, a friend of ours, not knowing our struggle, made the public statement, "Jake and McKenzee are adopting from Ukraine. They have some doubt about it, but God told me that's where they're supposed to be." And our blind walk of faith began.
We have kept moving. There have been days that have been hard. There have been days where it felt like our feet were stuck in quick sand. We could keep trekking and keep pulling them out and every time we got our footing we would lose it again and be on our faces. And then something amazing would happen. Friends would call us to hang out and then hand us a check with the most random number on it ever and say "God told me that this is what you needed". Confirmation. Confirmation that from obedience, comes blessing. Confirmation to just keep moving.
There have been SO MANY DELAYS for us. Stupid delays over things like stamps and name misspellings and paperwork schmaperwork. And now.....we realize, the delays were necessary. Jake and I both realized this week that adoption isn't really about adoption at all. Does God tell us to look after widows and orphans in their distress? ABSOLUTELY. Does He require of us, the same type of compassion that He showed us on the cross? WITHOUT QUESTION. But in order to get to that point, in order to understand His love for the least of these, we have to be close enough to Him to hear His whispers. Our faith in Him must be so bold that we will follow Him wherever He asks, even when it makes NO sense at all. And that's where the delays have brought us. They've brought us to the place where we are 100% aware that those people we were 9 months ago.....they are cast aside. We CANNOT DO THIS ALONE. We need His compassion and grace and mercy every day. We have been adopted.
And now our hearts are ready. Our paperwork is almost ready. But our bank accounts are not.
God has blessed us with two incredible jobs that have allowed us to save some of my paychecks and every extra penny along the way. He has called out friends of ours (and one AMAZING private donor) to donate to us in some of the most selfless ways I have ever seen...giving money, volunteering, taking time away from their families to peddle whatever item we had for sale that week. We have had so many yard sales at our house that people will drive by occasionally on a Saturday just to see if we're selling anything! We've done church fundraisers and sold more bracelets than I ever thought we could. We have been driven to tears by every volunteer, every prayer warrior, every friend and family member that has said "we are standing with you". And this week Jake and I have been praying about this last little bit. These last $5,500.00. This week, I watched God show up and show off with a friend of ours thats adopting from Uganda. God started pouring donations out as He called up family after family to give. And my sweet friend said to me, "I keep reminding myself when I feel guilty about the money, that they aren't giving to us, they are giving because God told them to. They are giving because out of obedience, I asked, and God honored that obedience." This week, as Jake and I prayed, God told us to ask.
We have been met, penny for penny, by a God that loves us and cares for us "as deep as the ocean". We believe that He asks us to "do for one, what we wish we could do for them all" and that "one man's obedience can be another mans miracle". Can you be part of our miracle? Do you feel like God wants to use you, in our lives, and in the lives of orphans? Will you please pray with us? We are praying for $5,500.00. We are praying for our dossier to be cleared next week. We are praying for a court date ASAP and a short and expeditious process once in Ukraine. We are praying for protection over our children as they wait for us. We are praying for the children that won't be coming home with us, that their families will find them soon.
To those of you that have walked with us through this journey, to those of you who prayed for us before we ever embarked on this journey, for those of you that already love the children that we will bring home, for those of you that cherish Cole and Zella and love and support our family regardless of our ups and downs, thank you. From the bottom of our hearts, thank you. We are almost there!
If you feel led, our paypal address is: kubs_atc@hotmail.com
For a tax deductible donation, you can send checks to Praise Assembly of God, Praise Adopts, P.O. Box 596, Port Royal, SC 29935 and put Kubnick Adoption in the memo line.
OR The Kubnicks, 91 Heritage Parkway, Bluffton, SC 29910.
Thank you all and God bless!
"for this reason, I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that youm being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lords holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurable more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him the the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:14-21
Jake and I are overthinkers, overplanners, overanticipators. We are both strong personalities that understand our responsibility in things like paying the bills on time, keeping our kids on a schedule and making sure that other drivers are made aware when they fail to follow basic safety rules like using turn signals ;) We planned for both of our children based on our financial stability at the time. At the beginning of each year, a new planner is better than Christmas morning for me. Jake did a bodybuilding competition just because he thought it was amazing that meal planning and calorie counting and responsible eating could transform his body. We take the things handed to us and hold onto them with pride in knowing that we will perform the task well with the skills we have been equipped with. WE will accomplish the goal. This was us 9 months ago. And then God whispered "Ukraine".
I had been praying about adoption for two years. In those two years I had envisioned the only type of adoptive family I had ever known......and it included brown babies with braids and sparkly white teeth. I had never considered the "where" even when my heart was quite certain of the "what". And somewhere in that two years of me being a not so quiet influence over Jake, he started quietly talking to God about adoption. And God painted an entirely different picture for Jake, than what I had painted in my mind. Jake had been privately praying about and researching adoption and one night, very randomly and pretty much shockingly, he said to me "ok. So hypothetically, if we were to adopt, have you thought about where, age or gender?" After I left the room and gained my composure I told him that I hadn't considered those things and he replied, "I think there's a 5 year old little boy in Ukraine for us." And our journey began.
A FEW FUN FACTS:
Ukraine is one of very few countries in the world that does not allow for pre-selection in the adoption process (unless it is a much older child or a child with severe special needs). You are able to specify age range and gender, but there is no catalog of faces or list of waiting children to choose from (there are exceptions to this.....we aren't one of those exceptions). When we arrive in Ukraine, we will be given 2 or 3 medical records. We will go over the medical records with our translator and pray and decide which child, or children, we would like to meet. Our facilitator has done over 1,000 adoptions. Only once has the first choice not been perfect. Ukraine does not allow children under the age of 5 to be adopted to non-Ukrainian citizens, unless the child younger than the age of 5 is sibling to a child over the age of 5. We are open to siblings. But will have no idea if we will be traveling home with one or two children until we are there. In fact, I feel certain there will be 2. We did not specify gender, but did say we would like for Cole to remain the oldest child in our family. So we will be adopting ages 7 and under. Because there is no pre-selection, the entire process, from start to finish, must be completed upon travel to Ukraine, which makes the average trip anywhere from 3-8 weeks. We have no idea how long we will be required to be in Ukraine. We are preparing, financially, for 4 weeks of lodging, food, and other in country expenses. Ukraine does not deal with adoption agencies. "Oh what agency did you use?" "Me". Yes, I'm it. We have a facilitator, but her main job is to introduce us to our translator. I'm it......and I'm no expert.
These are the things we discovered at the beginning of our journey. And every time we stopped and said "God, these are BIG hurdles for us. How are we going to prepare if there are so many unknowns? Is Ukraine REALLY the place you want us?" and each time, God would open a door and say "yes. Keep moving." I had extreme doubt about Ukraine in the beginning. Turns out, it was my fear of letting Jake lead our family. And then Jake said, "this is our Jericho. Lets pray circles around it for 7 days, and the walls will fall." And we did. NO matter where we were, at work, on a girls trip to Jacksonville, no matter where, every day we prayed that God would show us exactly where He wanted us. And on the 7th day, a friend of ours, not knowing our struggle, made the public statement, "Jake and McKenzee are adopting from Ukraine. They have some doubt about it, but God told me that's where they're supposed to be." And our blind walk of faith began.
We have kept moving. There have been days that have been hard. There have been days where it felt like our feet were stuck in quick sand. We could keep trekking and keep pulling them out and every time we got our footing we would lose it again and be on our faces. And then something amazing would happen. Friends would call us to hang out and then hand us a check with the most random number on it ever and say "God told me that this is what you needed". Confirmation. Confirmation that from obedience, comes blessing. Confirmation to just keep moving.
There have been SO MANY DELAYS for us. Stupid delays over things like stamps and name misspellings and paperwork schmaperwork. And now.....we realize, the delays were necessary. Jake and I both realized this week that adoption isn't really about adoption at all. Does God tell us to look after widows and orphans in their distress? ABSOLUTELY. Does He require of us, the same type of compassion that He showed us on the cross? WITHOUT QUESTION. But in order to get to that point, in order to understand His love for the least of these, we have to be close enough to Him to hear His whispers. Our faith in Him must be so bold that we will follow Him wherever He asks, even when it makes NO sense at all. And that's where the delays have brought us. They've brought us to the place where we are 100% aware that those people we were 9 months ago.....they are cast aside. We CANNOT DO THIS ALONE. We need His compassion and grace and mercy every day. We have been adopted.
And now our hearts are ready. Our paperwork is almost ready. But our bank accounts are not.
God has blessed us with two incredible jobs that have allowed us to save some of my paychecks and every extra penny along the way. He has called out friends of ours (and one AMAZING private donor) to donate to us in some of the most selfless ways I have ever seen...giving money, volunteering, taking time away from their families to peddle whatever item we had for sale that week. We have had so many yard sales at our house that people will drive by occasionally on a Saturday just to see if we're selling anything! We've done church fundraisers and sold more bracelets than I ever thought we could. We have been driven to tears by every volunteer, every prayer warrior, every friend and family member that has said "we are standing with you". And this week Jake and I have been praying about this last little bit. These last $5,500.00. This week, I watched God show up and show off with a friend of ours thats adopting from Uganda. God started pouring donations out as He called up family after family to give. And my sweet friend said to me, "I keep reminding myself when I feel guilty about the money, that they aren't giving to us, they are giving because God told them to. They are giving because out of obedience, I asked, and God honored that obedience." This week, as Jake and I prayed, God told us to ask.
We have been met, penny for penny, by a God that loves us and cares for us "as deep as the ocean". We believe that He asks us to "do for one, what we wish we could do for them all" and that "one man's obedience can be another mans miracle". Can you be part of our miracle? Do you feel like God wants to use you, in our lives, and in the lives of orphans? Will you please pray with us? We are praying for $5,500.00. We are praying for our dossier to be cleared next week. We are praying for a court date ASAP and a short and expeditious process once in Ukraine. We are praying for protection over our children as they wait for us. We are praying for the children that won't be coming home with us, that their families will find them soon.
To those of you that have walked with us through this journey, to those of you who prayed for us before we ever embarked on this journey, for those of you that already love the children that we will bring home, for those of you that cherish Cole and Zella and love and support our family regardless of our ups and downs, thank you. From the bottom of our hearts, thank you. We are almost there!
If you feel led, our paypal address is: kubs_atc@hotmail.com
For a tax deductible donation, you can send checks to Praise Assembly of God, Praise Adopts, P.O. Box 596, Port Royal, SC 29935 and put Kubnick Adoption in the memo line.
OR The Kubnicks, 91 Heritage Parkway, Bluffton, SC 29910.
Thank you all and God bless!
"for this reason, I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that youm being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lords holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurable more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him the the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:14-21
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