I've been sitting on this long enough. I've wallowed and been in denial and realized that no matter how much I pretend that this isn't the scenario or how many times I sneak a good cry in the closet, the reality doesn't change. We heard from Ukraine. And its NOT BAD. Its also not what we expected.
Tuesday morning, while Jake and I were mid-furlough discussion, naturally, I got an email from our facilitator. She informed me that no they hadn't forgotten about us (guess she picked up my "vibe" in that last email I sent), and that our contact at the SDA in Ukraine said she expects us to receive an appointment date in.......wait for it......September. Yes. September. She explained that a lot of the children in the age group we've selected (under 7) are blessed enough to be sponsored during the summer months and they either attend summer camps in different regions of the country or they are hosted by families for several weeks in the US. In order for us to meet our children, and select them, they would actually need to be present, and a lot of them aren't. She also said that a lot of the workers take all of their vacation time during summer so things at the SDA move slower (huh. Didn't realize everywhere had the Bluffton State of Mind :)). So all of that makes sense, right? When I read it the first time it read like this "blah blah blah, you're never ever ever going to meet your kids, blah blah blah, your adoption is the longest in the history of adoptions, blah blah blah, go eat something". I walked into the bedroom and kind of tossed my phone at Jake while I morphed into an ugly cry face. I fell apart. It wasn't fair. Why is ours taking SO much longer?! I've watched kids come home who's parents didn't even know they wanted to adopt when we got started.....what are we being punished for? And as Jake held me on his chest, the Holy Spirit washed over me and reminded me of this.....
You prayed for an answer. This may not be the answer that you were expecting, but God was faithful to you in answering your prayers, just as He promised. He will not forsake you.....OR your children. He has not left you. Praise Him.
And you know, that little moment has kind of started this overwhelming conviction this week....
How often, ok, how many times in each hour of every day, do I forget to remember the prayers that He has answered. Every night I pray protection over our kids. And every morning when they pounce on me and the mommy morning monster wakes up.....God answered my prayer. They woke up. I woke up. We are safe. He protected us. Every night at dinner when we pray "bless this food to the nourishment of our bodies" and we go another week as healthy, thriving individuals. He has indeed blessed our bodies. I could go on.....but really, how many days do we forget that breathing alone, is an answered prayer?
And so what are you teaching us, God? Why this delay? Why is September better for you than say, next week? I can speculate....so I will. When I first quit work it was with the intention to be at home with our kiddos and the kiddos that are coming home. And before we knew the more realistic time frame, that was totally okay. And then the answer didn't come, and we got really really really consumed by that. Consumed by the lack of an answer. And more than anything, consumed by the process of adoption. And now that I see what that consumption has done, I get it. We let our prayers, and the needing an answer to those prayers, become WAY more important than the One answering them. When the first thing I reached for in the morning is my phone to check my email, instead of my Bible to fill my cup, the balance is off. When I will complain and cry and whine that "its so haaaaaard not knowing" but I won't hit my knees and just ask already, there's a problem. I believe God gave me this time at home to bring my family back to focus. To remind us that He still reigns. Not adoption. Not Cole and Zella. Not church softball. Not church. Not what people will think (or say) when they hear there's ANOTHER delay. But God. He gave us this time to convict us. Because He knows that we are going to need Him closer than ever before in just two short months.
People will say to us, after finding out about the adoption, "well I commend you for what you're doing" "well hats off to you and your husband for what you're doing" "wow. I could never do what you're doing". And I let them say it. I allowed that one little pat on the back and that's all it took. Please don't commend us. We haven't done anything. Commend the mothers that lay in bed every night alone as their Marines fight a fight for a commander in chief that doesn't respect them. Tip your hats to me because I'm raising the kids I have now. Pat yourself on the back for raising your own kids in a crazy, messed up world. And yes, you could totally do what we're doing. Because truly, we are doing nothing. Yep. We're going to have a few more mouths to feed. Yep. I will more than likely be buying stock in Clorox wipes. I might not sleep well for several months (me and sleep don't seem to get along anyways). But what really, am I doing other than the same thing that every mother on the planet already does? Nothing. Except that I'm COMPLETELY RELYING ON GOD TO GUIDE ME. Enter conviction. We've been struggling with parenting. Our kids are in that transition phase where everything we were doing 6 months ago isn't really working all so great anymore. And we've been frustrated. There have been great, awesome days. And there have been so not at all cool days. Why is it that I am willing to completely rely on God to guide me through an adoption, and through parenting adopted children, but I'll go to Dr. Dobson when I have a wooden spoon issue instead of talking to God? Why is it that I will completely rely on God to raise $26,000.00 to bring these children home, but when the good ol' gov'ment tells me that we are losing 20% of our pay because a bunch of fogeys can't balance a checkbook, I panic, post on FB, cry a little and maybe pray AFTER all that? How come, when Jake and I argue, I'll call my sister, and not call on my FATHER? God gave us this time for a purpose. He is answering prayers that I haven't even prayed yet. He's gently grabbing us with both hands, by the cheeks, and turning our faces back in the right direction.
Does it hurt my heart to look at the Pros and Cons list of traveling in September? It does. Because I hurt for Cole and Zella. And I hurt for our two kids that hope every day for a mama and papa. Two months is eternity in kid time. And in Mama time. But in just a week of refocus our family dynamic has shifted. God is shaping us into a home that will be perfect for two new little ones. He's changing me and Jake and training us to focus on what we have.....and not what we're missing. He's reminding me that I am where He wants me, at the heart of the home. My paycheck is my family. There is no greater reward than loving them with Christ like compassion and watching them turn that same compassion out into the world. Do I fail? I sure do. But I'm covered in grace. I'm afforded "extended time lines" to get back on track.
This is our storm. It didn't come with the force of a hurricane. This is our years long rainy season. Thank you, Lord, for the rain. For never having to be thirsty. For the laughter (and sibling fights) that bounce off the toy room walls. For the ups and the downs that keep this life exciting. For all of Jake's quirks that make me love him more. Thank you, Lord, for giving us an even longer storm so that we can learn to praise you......at all times.
We'll get to Ukraine. We will push forward. For us, right now, faith means that timing is everything....and not OUR timing, but HIS timing.
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