SAHM Status

For all of our friends that don't know, I am officially a Stay At Home Mom now. This is the second full week that I've been at home and while I literally ached for this for so very long, this transition hasn't been as seamless as I had imagined it would be.

When Jake and I first started talking about adoption (1 year ago), we agreed that I would be at home with the kids. No more J.O.B. We ALSO assumed (we all know what happens when you assume!) that we would be living in Atlanta now. If you're counting with us, Jake officially got hired at Atlanta Center with the FAA in November, 2011. Atlanta = higher pay = less stress when I quit work.  BUT, God has a different plan.

The FAA is, well, a government agency. Nuff said.....and our little family business that I worked at for 8 years, that started in the 60's, sold to a bigger company. It wasn't time for Jake in Atlanta yet......and it was definitely time for me to be at home.  I prayed.....and prayed.....and prayed. And in true "God" fashion, He laid it on both of our hearts, more Jakes than mine (suprisingly) that my last day at work would be April 30. And here we are.

The first week was hard. It was bittersweet. This isn't how this SAHM mom thing was supposed to pan out. I'm supposed to have little Ukrainians to teach English and how to wipe front to back and not back to front. I'm supposed to be doing laundry for 6 instead of laundry for 4. This isn't how it was "suuposed" to be. And so what happens when we allow ourselves to wallow? The devil sticks his foot in the door.......

So for me, his foot stood directly on top of my insecurities. My weight. My regret. My paycheck that I'm not getting anymore. My uncertainty in my parenting skills. Insert your insecurity here.....and the devil planted it in my head that first week. Its been a LONG time since I took care of me. I always had a GREAT reason to avoid it. I don't have work to hide behind anymore. And that's a hard thing to face. And I truly believe that God gave me this time to work on me.....because God wants my husband to have the hots for me and because my children NEED a Mommy that takes care of herself (cause Mommys that take care of themselves have increased sanity).

I posted on Facebook a few weeks ago that God knew just what He was doing when He put Jake in my life......for so many reasons. And that week, when I was rolling around in not liking myself, I was reminded of Gods perfect placement of this wonderful man in my life. He GENTLY asked me if I wanted to come to the gym with him and when I denied him.....he waited a few days and kept asking. Until I said yes. And two weeks later we've been going to the gym together a few times a week......and he has been supportive and encouraging and loving and EXCITED that I'm there at the gym with him. And we NEEDED this.

And I was driving home this afternoon from an awesome "back day" at the gym and chuckling at God. God who knew that while it might hurt us to delay us again, our marriage needed some healing. God who knew that my self esteem couldn't handle the stress of an international adoption, and that I needed some time to "get it together". God who knew that my precious Cole and Zella needed a Mommy to take them to the pool on Saturday instead of dragging them to the grocery store because Saturday is the only day I'm able to do it. God who knew that our hearts would break when Ukraine said "no", also knew that He would use this time, this heart break, to make us stronger. To teach us perseverance. To grow our family closer than we've ever been.....because we are all now where we need to be.  God who uses ALL things to work for the good of those who love Him, has not forgotten us. He has a plan. It will prosper us. It will not harm us. It is a plan of hope and a future.

We aren't where we thought we would be this month. And its ok. Because where we are is far better than what we planned for. Funny how God works things out like that ;)