Just in case anybody is counting, today is business day 27. There are a lot of things in this emotion/thought jumbled head of mine that I question, my mothers intuition is not one of them. And when we hit business day 20 (their deadline by law) and still had heard nothing, my heart knew.
Still the waiting was close to unbearable. Satan closed in our family and started attacking. The storm of waiting collided with a storm of fighting and yesterday morning Jake and I both found ourselves sinking, bobbing up and down for air and flailing our hands from the top of the waves and crying out "help! save me!". "Oh, my God, He will not delay. My refuge and strength always. I will not fear, His promise is true. My God will come through, always, always." And so so so often, God comes through in ways that we never anticipated.
Last night I picked the kids up from school and Jake headed to church for prayer. He was sitting outside the church waiting for prayer to start and his phone rang and on the other end I spoke "I just got an email from Julia. Our dossier did not get accepted. We have to change some things and try again." Disappointment. Heartbreak. Shock. Defeat. Confusion. All from an email. I told Jake to go inside and pray. That at the altar was exactly where he needed to be in that moment. He wanted to be alone. He wanted to grieve in peace. And God ushered him into the church. And this is what Jake told me last night when he got home..........."A year ago, getting this news, I would have been angry and vengeful. I would have wanted to hurt someone. Tonight, the hardest thing I've ever had to do was walk into prayer and give God praise, even while my heart is breaking. And I did it. For the first time. And I see His purpose in all of this. Because this is where He wants me." There is no way I could have said that better. THIS IS WHERE HE WANTS US.
Jake told me that last night at prayer a friend of ours began to pray for him. I'm crying just typing this. This friend was adopted from Russia as a child. Every time I look at him, I see our son in 15 years. So last night, he placed his hand on Jakes chest, and sobbing, prayed for Jake and for our family, and for our children in Ukraine. And Jake said he realized, this is our "why". Because God loves orphans. Because He calls us to free them from the chains of oppression and give them the light of Jesus.....SO THAT THEY CAN GO OUT AND SHINE THE LIGHT. How can we NOT press on? How can we, in our minimal amount of emotional distress, think that our hurt is greater than giving a child a home, love and JESUS?! We will press on.
Last night, in the hurt, God came through for us. Yesterday was the pinnacle of the fight against the attack for us. We were drowning in anxiety and bad attitudes and fear and God yesterday said "Here is your answer.....HERE I AM." Our prayer requests had become bigger to us than the ONE that answers our prayers. I don't believe we are being punished. I believe that God is redirecting us, with the purpose of perfecting us.
We talked and prayed and cried. Yes, our hearts hurt. This is ANOTHER delay. We have to wait even LONGER. And its ok. And its ok because what is the option? Is the option to be angry and in spite of Ukraines crazy particular paperwork requirements to turn our heads and say "fine! We'll go to a different country!"? Or is the option to say this is too much, lets just quit? No. None of those are options for the called. The option for us is to "keep rowing". Just as the disciples did when Jesus was praying for them as the storm raged. They kept rowing.
When God called us to run this race, He didn't specify if we would need our FloJo cleats or our Forrest Gump tennies....He just said lace 'em up and go, and I will take care of the rest. We're on mile 26.2. This is the part of the marathon where we finish the race with a triumphant spirit, because LOOK HOW FAR WE'VE COME!
There will be a day when all of these pieces fit. There will be a day when the neighbors three houses down will be able to hear the Kubnick children laughing and playing because our house will be overflowing. There will be a day when God calls us home and the wait and the pain all makes sense. And on that day we will be able to say, "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race. I have kept the faith." 2 Timothy 4:7
Pressing on. Ukraine or bust!
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Monday, April 15, 2013
While we're waiting......
First off, a little nugget of completely useless information for you.....the Christian singer/song writer John Waller sings this awesome song called "While I'm Waiting". The song talks about serving, praising and praying while waiting on the Lord to complete His work. In February of this year, John and his family completed a Ukrainian adoption of siblings......when he sings this song, I know - he TOTALLY gets what it means to wait. Bet you feel smarter now.
So the waiting.....the waiting has NOT at all been easy. We've been waiting for what feels like an eternity to get to Ukraine. On March 22, our dossier was officially submitted to the SDA in Ukraine for review. The next step is they give us an appointment date......and then we go! In the meantime, Jake and I have been worked, HARD, by the devil and God. We have both literally felt like cartoon characters with a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. And through this time, while we are waiting, we have been reminded of so many things.....and I thought that maybe, as you walk through your day, or your storm, that maybe you need a few reminders too.
1. NOTHING is wasted by God. There isn't a single tear, or laugh, or cry, that He doesn't cherish and intend to use. Feeling sorry for yourself because of the way you grew up or because your dad left or your mom is insensitive or because you're the black sheep? He wants to use it. He wants to show you that when He says He has a plan.......He has a plan. He wants you to see that for those that love Him, ALL things are being worked together for your good. If you know me and Jake, and any part of either of our stories, we are walking and breathing examples of His undying, full of grace, relentless, pursuing, rescuing, freeing, chain breaking, merciful, breathtaking, blood soaked love for us. And now that we can see how only a few of the pieces fit together......we can see only the part of Gods plan that has already passed, He has proved to us that His plan is ALWAYS better. Know that wherever you are today, He wants to use it. Stop wallowing. Ask God to show you how to turn your suffering into an offering. And then be ready.....He WILL use you, if you say "yes".
2. God fully intends to stretch us. Waiting is hard, yes. And its necessary. If we had completed our adoption process in 6 months, this blog right now would be begging for someone to come rescue me from these kids that I can't control. Asking God to bring us closer to Him requires change...and it requires a casting off of things that are old. And that is super painful. I was reminded last night of this comment "a large majority of the issues that we have with our kids, stems from our own selfishness." The Refiners fire is HOT. But this waiting period has been stuffed full of conviction for us. FULL OF CONVICTION. Like, the kind where you don't wanna get out of bed because your heart is tired from working so hard. Every day God is revealing situations or relationships, attitudes or tones of voice, habits or lack of habits to both of us. It can feel overwhelming and the devil will sit on your shoulder and say "what kind of Father would repeatedly show you what you're doing wrong? He doesn't love you!" and because DARKNESS WILL ALWAYS LOSE OUT TO LIGHT, I am reminded by the angel on the other shoulder......"This is the word that came to Jeremiah from the Lord, 'Go down to the potters house, and there I will give you my message'. So I went down to the potters house and I saw him working at the wheel. But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred from his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him. Then the word of the Lord came to me. He said 'can I not do with you, Israel, as this potter does?' declares the Lord. 'Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand'." Jeremiah 18:1-6 We are clay in the same hands that shaped the universe, formed the stars and counted the hairs on our heads. Stretch us. Convict us. Mold us. While we are waiting.....prepare us.
3. This morning, my baby girl didn't want to go to daycare. Kids can sense stuff. She knows change is coming. So does Cole. They really have no concept of time.....but in their little hearts, God is preparing them, just as He is preparing us. And as I was driving to work this morning with the sounds of Zellas cries for me haunting me.....I felt like God was saying to me "ENJOY the wait. BE STILL. I have given you this time to revel in your family now. You will never again be a family of 4. Stop. Hold your kids. Stop always anticipating tomorrow, and just be thankful for the nothingness of today." We've been CRAZY busy for a year. A year. God knows what we need. He knows we need time. He knows we need to breathe Him in before we can truly breathe Him out. If we can't sit still at His feet, and bask in everything that He is offering us, can we really bring our children, broken and hurting, to a place where they too will be able to truly rest in His promises? No. We can't. We are just ambassadors. We are just vessels. We are facilitators to the healing that our Ukrainian children will have to go through and assistants for the struggles that Cole and Zella will endure as a result of this adoption. We know, that the healing will come from the Great Physician. We know that He will infiltrate their lives just as He has ours........but we have to show them. God has offered us this time of waiting and rest, to prepare our hearts for SHOWING these children what it means to love Jesus. And we show them by trusting His every single promise. He will restore. He knows every need. His love is more vast than our minds can process. He mends the broken hearted. He breaks the chains. He heals. He comforts. We have to believe it before they will be able to see it. So for now, while we're waiting.....we rest in Him.
This got kind of long......I could go on for a few more hours about the lessons God is teaching us every day. The three above are just from the last 24 hours!
But here's the deal......it's coming. A travel date is coming soon. My prayer is that my next update will read ....... "Ukraine or Bust!"
Happy Monday!
So the waiting.....the waiting has NOT at all been easy. We've been waiting for what feels like an eternity to get to Ukraine. On March 22, our dossier was officially submitted to the SDA in Ukraine for review. The next step is they give us an appointment date......and then we go! In the meantime, Jake and I have been worked, HARD, by the devil and God. We have both literally felt like cartoon characters with a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. And through this time, while we are waiting, we have been reminded of so many things.....and I thought that maybe, as you walk through your day, or your storm, that maybe you need a few reminders too.
1. NOTHING is wasted by God. There isn't a single tear, or laugh, or cry, that He doesn't cherish and intend to use. Feeling sorry for yourself because of the way you grew up or because your dad left or your mom is insensitive or because you're the black sheep? He wants to use it. He wants to show you that when He says He has a plan.......He has a plan. He wants you to see that for those that love Him, ALL things are being worked together for your good. If you know me and Jake, and any part of either of our stories, we are walking and breathing examples of His undying, full of grace, relentless, pursuing, rescuing, freeing, chain breaking, merciful, breathtaking, blood soaked love for us. And now that we can see how only a few of the pieces fit together......we can see only the part of Gods plan that has already passed, He has proved to us that His plan is ALWAYS better. Know that wherever you are today, He wants to use it. Stop wallowing. Ask God to show you how to turn your suffering into an offering. And then be ready.....He WILL use you, if you say "yes".
2. God fully intends to stretch us. Waiting is hard, yes. And its necessary. If we had completed our adoption process in 6 months, this blog right now would be begging for someone to come rescue me from these kids that I can't control. Asking God to bring us closer to Him requires change...and it requires a casting off of things that are old. And that is super painful. I was reminded last night of this comment "a large majority of the issues that we have with our kids, stems from our own selfishness." The Refiners fire is HOT. But this waiting period has been stuffed full of conviction for us. FULL OF CONVICTION. Like, the kind where you don't wanna get out of bed because your heart is tired from working so hard. Every day God is revealing situations or relationships, attitudes or tones of voice, habits or lack of habits to both of us. It can feel overwhelming and the devil will sit on your shoulder and say "what kind of Father would repeatedly show you what you're doing wrong? He doesn't love you!" and because DARKNESS WILL ALWAYS LOSE OUT TO LIGHT, I am reminded by the angel on the other shoulder......"This is the word that came to Jeremiah from the Lord, 'Go down to the potters house, and there I will give you my message'. So I went down to the potters house and I saw him working at the wheel. But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred from his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him. Then the word of the Lord came to me. He said 'can I not do with you, Israel, as this potter does?' declares the Lord. 'Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand'." Jeremiah 18:1-6 We are clay in the same hands that shaped the universe, formed the stars and counted the hairs on our heads. Stretch us. Convict us. Mold us. While we are waiting.....prepare us.
3. This morning, my baby girl didn't want to go to daycare. Kids can sense stuff. She knows change is coming. So does Cole. They really have no concept of time.....but in their little hearts, God is preparing them, just as He is preparing us. And as I was driving to work this morning with the sounds of Zellas cries for me haunting me.....I felt like God was saying to me "ENJOY the wait. BE STILL. I have given you this time to revel in your family now. You will never again be a family of 4. Stop. Hold your kids. Stop always anticipating tomorrow, and just be thankful for the nothingness of today." We've been CRAZY busy for a year. A year. God knows what we need. He knows we need time. He knows we need to breathe Him in before we can truly breathe Him out. If we can't sit still at His feet, and bask in everything that He is offering us, can we really bring our children, broken and hurting, to a place where they too will be able to truly rest in His promises? No. We can't. We are just ambassadors. We are just vessels. We are facilitators to the healing that our Ukrainian children will have to go through and assistants for the struggles that Cole and Zella will endure as a result of this adoption. We know, that the healing will come from the Great Physician. We know that He will infiltrate their lives just as He has ours........but we have to show them. God has offered us this time of waiting and rest, to prepare our hearts for SHOWING these children what it means to love Jesus. And we show them by trusting His every single promise. He will restore. He knows every need. His love is more vast than our minds can process. He mends the broken hearted. He breaks the chains. He heals. He comforts. We have to believe it before they will be able to see it. So for now, while we're waiting.....we rest in Him.
This got kind of long......I could go on for a few more hours about the lessons God is teaching us every day. The three above are just from the last 24 hours!
But here's the deal......it's coming. A travel date is coming soon. My prayer is that my next update will read ....... "Ukraine or Bust!"
Happy Monday!
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