"Umbled"

We had lunch yesterday with some sweet friends and I was chasing Zella around the restaurant.  I made a comment about Zella no longer being "mobile" - two syllables, long "i".  One of the younger girls at the table called me out on my pronunciation of the word and somewhere in the middle of my defense my mind was flooded with memories of my own childhood. 

I am born and raised, Southern bred. My Granny still calls lunch "supper" and dinner is well, dinner. We eat malt vinegar on our fries and drink tea that can (and will if you aren't careful) rot your front teeth out.  And in the Southern Baptist church like the one I grew up in, people like to "church" words up.  Definition : "church it up" = add syllables and change pronunciation in an effort to make the word sound educated or "fancy".  My Mom used to take the word "mature" and say "muh-tour" - really, Mom?  I can still hear myself telling her how dumb it sounded.  Granny's favorite was the word "humbled". She always pronounced it "umbled".  It drove me crazy trying to think of a legitimate reason why you would just drop the "h".  29 years later, I might just get it.

These last several weeks in our house have been crazy. Jake and Cole took a trip to Wisconsin and while they were gone, Zella and I did paperwork.....and more paperwork. And then some more paperwork. We got the first visit for our homestudy scheduled a lot faster than I had originally anticipated which kicked my anxiety and multi-tasking abilities into full blown monster force.  But I did it.  And Jake and Cole returned safely and our first visit came and went (not flawlessly, but it happened nonetheless). On most days in the last couple of weeks, me and God have spent a lot of time together....by a lot I mean, I'm literally talking with Him all day. There's been a lot of me asking Him to please just hold me together. There's been a lot of me begging Him for patience and forgiveness for lacking patience - Cole and Zella are BOTH in a "phase". And there's been that moment, at least several times a day, where things seem to be happening in slow motion around me, as if God is slowing the world down to stop me and whisper "you're doing it". 

A couple of months ago before any of this craziness began, I was talking to a friend of ours that recently adopted and they had a long journey. I'm actually learning now that I don't know a single person that has a foster/adoption story that isn't classified as "long". But so she was telling me that the wait was part of her journey. That every day that they spent waiting to go get their son, was a day that God was bringing her and her husband closer to that exact spot where He wanted them. The exact spot that would make them the best parents they could be for this child that God had chosen for them.  And I thought I understood. But NOW, I really understand.  Because now its our journey too.  Its our waiting game. Its our mound of paperwork. Its our heartache for a child or children that we haven't yet met.

Jake decided on Friday that after church on Sunday we would take Cole and Zella to get their new school shoes. This is a luxury that we LOVE giving our kids. We love allowing a new school year to be ushered in with things like new shoes and a new lunchbox.  And Friday night I thought about it.  And it hit me. And I cried.  And I pushed it to the back of my mind. I can't let these thoughts consume me. And so on Sunday, after a long morning with the Zella monster, we went to Savannah for shoes. Shoes were found quickly for Cole. Shoes purchased.  I was pushing the stroller out of the store and Cole was walking in front of me swinging his little shoe bag around his shoulders and I lost the composure I had been working so hard on and "it" hit me again....pushing its way to the front of my mind.  Think ugly crying in public lost it. I'm pretty sure Jake was terrified. With my face all smushed and tears rolling down my face and full blown ugly cry in the middle of the mall I cried to Jake, "what if our kids in Ukraine don't have shoes?"  And in that moment, that's when I started to understand the journey. 

Because somehow, God has brought me to this point of ugly crying in public being every bit of ridiculous and sensible at the same time. He has me teetering on the edge of completely lost and totally found.  And this is where He wants me.  I begged Him to break my heart. I begged Him to make me so much less of me and so much more of Him.  And this is the process.  This process of stripping every piece of me down to expose my vulnerability so that I have no choice but to let Him lead. Every single day, He's using Jake and Cole and Zella to prepare my heart for what He has next. Whatever, or whoever, that may be.  And in it all.....I get it. In it all, I am "umbled".  Maybe you are "umbled" when its so much more than it is when you use the "h". So I am. I'm "Umbled" to be a part of His work.  To be even considered for this great work that He has prepared for the Kubnick family. To know that He cares for me even on the days when I am weary and weak and tired and grumpy. He hears the cries of my heart, even when my lips can't find the words.  He hurts for my insecurities and cheers with my triumphs and He slows me down to remind me "you're doing it".  And I am. We are. By His grace, we're doing it.  "Umbled".