This is actually the third night in a row that I've written this post. The first time I wrote it, I had just finished reading a few other blogs that had gone viral and I had these grandiose ideas of maybe one day, mine doing the same.....so I found the scripture to back every point and by the time I got to the end of the post, I had a whole lot of scripture, and none of me. The second time I wrote it, my dreams of virility were slightly smaller but yesterday was a hard day and well, nobody has time for Debbie Downer. And there's tonight. God says to write.....because this is what He gave me. Even if nobody reads it.....I have to use what He gave me.
Any time I sit down and exercise my brain enough to write a post, it's because I'm working something out in my soul. Topics usually haunt me for a couple of weeks before I make the decision to write and I have finally learned that when that happens it's always 1 of 2 things......it's either the devil trying to distract/hurt/guilt/condemn me or it's the Holy Spirit laying that conviction on thick. Needless to say, I serve an amazing, relentless God who has kept after me on this one for WAY more than a couple of weeks. But only in the last 4 months have I been forced to face and attempt to deal with the monster of my "great expectations".
In the last 4 months (yes, since David has been home), God has taken a whole lot of really ugly stuff that I had shoved down deep into the darkest parts of my being, and He's attached bobbers to them. They are floating around on the surface now, bobbing up and down and surfacing every few seconds, on display, vulnerable, asking to get baited. Some of the things I struggle with....anger, resentment, bitterness, selfishness, laziness AND disappointment. Those first several things, ok. I can talk my way through those. There have been offenses and words spoken and actions taken and I have held onto them, and I have battled myself with entitlement and acting like the world owed me something and allowing myself to be selfish and bitter and I've found every single possible reason under the sun to justify why I can't possibly fit time into my schedule to take care of my physical fitness in an effort to facilitate my laziness. Problem solved. But then there's this disappointment thing. And when I think about it, and its root, it's a recurring theme in so many hard times in my life. And its this thing.....this is the hard one. I have great expectations. Of situations. Of people. Of myself. I set unattainable standards for the people around me. And then get disappointed when they are unable to meet them. I've done it with Jake for our entire marriage. It's heart breaking to love someone that you feel like you will never be good enough for. That's what he tells me. I'm the oppressor. I've done it with Cole and Zella. I have loved them with the most selfish kind of parenting love. I have parented them with the expectation of a return. Of them noticing the clean laundry or the new recipe or the extra book that I read but didn't really want to read. Of them growing up and being smart and successful and attributing said success to the one that held it all together for them. Mom. And then David came along. And this transition has been long and hard and it has not been what I expected. At all. And here's what David has taught me........I am selfish. David came to this family with NOTHING to offer. It has taken me 4 months of examining to figure out why love with him feels so different. It has taken me that long to figure out why it literally hurts. Because David is a small me.......needing to be rescued. Needing to be loved and to learn to love himself.
I had never considered my emptiness that first time I sat at the feet of Jesus and begged for redemption. I had never pondered the fact that I literally have nothing to offer the King of Kings. I am completely naked and empty handed every time I approach Him. But He wants every single bit of my ugly, 2 kids later, nakedness and emptiness. Because He wants to clothe me in dignity. He desires to fill me with promise and truth and hope and a quiet, strong spirit that stands firm when the devil prowls. He wants to equip me to be a grace monger. To clothe the naked and empty handed in the same dignity I have been afforded. He wants to love me Love me into finally loving myself. He wants to romance me into trusting that I was created with such care that I am beautiful and worthy. He wants me to have HOPE. He wants me to have so much hope, that I'm able to deliver that to other people that have nothing to offer.......like David.
The difference in expectation and in hope is their creator. Expectations are rooted in what we have created in our minds to be the perfect scenario. Hope is trusting that God, who is the creator of perfect scenarios, has included you in His plans. Expectations have an end. They are a small, finite moment in time. Hope endures. It pushes us through. Hope does not disappoint. Expectations disappoint. Almost every time. I have lived a life of disappointment, at my own hand. And I look around me all the time and wonder how many people are living inside their self created disappointment hell? How many people wake up every morning and say "today is going to be a GREAT day!" and they fully expect that.....but what if its not? What if the really great day that you anticipated really really sucks? What's left but disappointment? What about those people that tell you "well, just go into it expecting the worst"? Do you know me?! I am a Southern woman. Telling me to expect the worst is telling me to immediately jump to my fate of a heinous and untimely death. What if we just stopped expecting? What if when we wake up in the morning we say, "God, I'm here to take whatever it is that You have for me today. I hope that today is sunny and beautiful and goes my way. But if it doesn't, I hope You give me the wisdom to remember that Your plan is perfect, regardless of my emotions." If we could start each day like that......would our lives be as complicated as we make them when we wallow in disappointment? If we could live every single day remembering that we sit empty handed, and naked at the feet of a just God that loves us unconditionally, in spite of our inablity to return the value of His sacrifice, wouldn't we be able to better love ourselves and stop putting unreachable expectations on life that ultimately end in disappointment?
I want to try. I want to try to love my husband like that. I want to look at him every day and remember that he is a precious gift that was named and matched with me before there was even time. I want to hug my kids and not immediately wonder if their squeeze was intended to not be as tight as mine. I want to cook dinner as a service to my family, and not with the intention of a response from them about how it tastes. I want to look at David, and see the second chance that he embodies. I want to extend to him, exactly what has been extended to me. I want to wake up every day and know that God has not wasted this conviction on a naked, empty handed woman......but He has given this conviction to His daughter, whom He loves deeper than deep. Because He has plans for my life....plans full of HOPE and for a future. (Jer. 29:11)
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Thursday, December 19, 2013
A CHRISTmas blog.......
One of my favorite Christmas songs right now is Audrey Assad, Winter Snow. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pi25lohx7Kw
The lyrics focus on the lack of grandeur in Christs birth.....when truly, He had the ability to come in the grandest of ways. That's not who He was. Our salvation walked the earth in peace and hope and light. He spoke life. He spoke truth. He embodied grace. He permeated mercy. His birth marks 1 of 2 of the most significant happenings in my Christian walk. And I LOVE CHRISTmas because of the reminders of that peace. Christmas music.....not the sad, lonely kind. But the triumphant kind. "Fall on your knees! Oh hear the angel voices! Oh night divine, oh night, when Christ was born". Victory!Hark the Herald Angels Sing, O Holy Night, Silent Night, Away in a Manger and on and on. Hope. A few years ago I started painting.....this was the 1st thing I painted.....and it sits in our home during this time of year to remind me of the gift we have been given....
Having said that.....this year is hard. There isn't a whole lot of peace in our house right now. I want to pretend that we are all adjusting beautifully in this very broken world......but we aren't. There is a little boy living in our house that deals with trauma issues. And it turns out, the holidays trigger a lot of those things. He hasn't learned yet that we aren't going to leave him. He has no concept of what a "family" means. He doesn't know what "mother" and "father" looks like. Somedays the crying is unbearable. Some days he laughs until he can't breathe. Some days he sings "Jesus Loves Me" at the tops of his lungs and some days he refuses to speak. Cole and Zella are stressed out. Cole's anxiety is through the roof and Zella has reverted to behavior that we tackled when she was 2. And I get it. All of it. Because they are small people and don't have the grasp that Jake and I have on life and more importantly, Jesus. There are days when all we do, all day long, is discipline. We had a day this week where all 3 of our children were in trouble for lying.....different incidents, same offense. Jake just looked at me and shook his head. I read this the other day........."I haven't had a day yet, where I didn't make it through." That's us. Keep. On. Trucking. SO.......Jake and I are CRAVING CHRISTmas. We are yearning for the peace that surrounds the manger. We are longing for the stillness of a dark night with a north star. And it's offered to us. We just have to take it.
Jake is a lot smarter than me. He's been half boycotting social media for several weeks now (with the exception of a few posts about the Packers......because they are our team. And sometimes they are terrible and warrant a post) because his brain is tired. He's smart enough to know that we are under attack. When people stand for what they believe in......the devil gets mad. So that's us......we stood in the gap. We brought a child into our home that needed a home. We pray over him. Last week (tearing up over this one), Zella had a fever and laid down in my bed. David wandered in the bedroom and climbed up next to her and laid down. Without prompting (because I was spying from the crack behind the door to see what he was going to do), he put his hand on her and closed his eyes "dear Dedus, Tank you for Zella. Zella not feel good. Amen." THE VERY NEXT DAY, Davids trauma was triggered and our home fell apart again for several days. The devil hates hope. He hates the promise of new life. He hates when people stand up and say they believe in something greater than what the world desires for them to believe. And we have to make the choice......in this attack, what do I choose to filter through my head. Will I choose to only put in the good, because really, in turmoil, there's no room left for the bad......will I choose to keep on letting ol' devil in through outlets that I least suspect?.....will I keep allowing him to distract me and separate me? We have a choice.
I've noticed a trend......my FB feed is full of it. And that's the thing about FB. You can use it to push whatever agenda it is that you're pushing for that day. It can be breastfeeding or vaccines or Phil Robertson or adoption, abortion, womens rights, NObama, let your kids believe in Santa or don't, I mean....whatever you want, you can put it out there. And the people that choose to read it, are choosing to let that in. I am that person. I'm a person that gets sucked in. I will comment on your post about why its awesome to have six kids (it is awesome by the way) and I will comment on why everyone should support adoption and why pesticides on our vegetables should be illegal. And what has it done for me? It has distracted me. It has taken a small amount of my mental energy away from fighting the fight happening inside our home right now. It has stolen the peace that I am desperate for.
Am I going to say that I am going to boycott FB? No. I'm not that strong. Who am I kidding? I would have to go through detox if I deleted my account. But for now, for this season (holiday and metaphorical) I have to make a choice. Fight the fight inside my home, for my marriage, for my kids, for my peace.....for my God. Or choose the battles that don't effect us. I am choosing Christ, this CHRISTmas.
I choose His peace. I choose to rejoice in His birth. I choose to take every ounce of what He is handing out. Because it is a choice.
Merry Christmas and God bless you all!
The lyrics focus on the lack of grandeur in Christs birth.....when truly, He had the ability to come in the grandest of ways. That's not who He was. Our salvation walked the earth in peace and hope and light. He spoke life. He spoke truth. He embodied grace. He permeated mercy. His birth marks 1 of 2 of the most significant happenings in my Christian walk. And I LOVE CHRISTmas because of the reminders of that peace. Christmas music.....not the sad, lonely kind. But the triumphant kind. "Fall on your knees! Oh hear the angel voices! Oh night divine, oh night, when Christ was born". Victory!Hark the Herald Angels Sing, O Holy Night, Silent Night, Away in a Manger and on and on. Hope. A few years ago I started painting.....this was the 1st thing I painted.....and it sits in our home during this time of year to remind me of the gift we have been given....
Jake is a lot smarter than me. He's been half boycotting social media for several weeks now (with the exception of a few posts about the Packers......because they are our team. And sometimes they are terrible and warrant a post) because his brain is tired. He's smart enough to know that we are under attack. When people stand for what they believe in......the devil gets mad. So that's us......we stood in the gap. We brought a child into our home that needed a home. We pray over him. Last week (tearing up over this one), Zella had a fever and laid down in my bed. David wandered in the bedroom and climbed up next to her and laid down. Without prompting (because I was spying from the crack behind the door to see what he was going to do), he put his hand on her and closed his eyes "dear Dedus, Tank you for Zella. Zella not feel good. Amen." THE VERY NEXT DAY, Davids trauma was triggered and our home fell apart again for several days. The devil hates hope. He hates the promise of new life. He hates when people stand up and say they believe in something greater than what the world desires for them to believe. And we have to make the choice......in this attack, what do I choose to filter through my head. Will I choose to only put in the good, because really, in turmoil, there's no room left for the bad......will I choose to keep on letting ol' devil in through outlets that I least suspect?.....will I keep allowing him to distract me and separate me? We have a choice.
I've noticed a trend......my FB feed is full of it. And that's the thing about FB. You can use it to push whatever agenda it is that you're pushing for that day. It can be breastfeeding or vaccines or Phil Robertson or adoption, abortion, womens rights, NObama, let your kids believe in Santa or don't, I mean....whatever you want, you can put it out there. And the people that choose to read it, are choosing to let that in. I am that person. I'm a person that gets sucked in. I will comment on your post about why its awesome to have six kids (it is awesome by the way) and I will comment on why everyone should support adoption and why pesticides on our vegetables should be illegal. And what has it done for me? It has distracted me. It has taken a small amount of my mental energy away from fighting the fight happening inside our home right now. It has stolen the peace that I am desperate for.
Am I going to say that I am going to boycott FB? No. I'm not that strong. Who am I kidding? I would have to go through detox if I deleted my account. But for now, for this season (holiday and metaphorical) I have to make a choice. Fight the fight inside my home, for my marriage, for my kids, for my peace.....for my God. Or choose the battles that don't effect us. I am choosing Christ, this CHRISTmas.
I choose His peace. I choose to rejoice in His birth. I choose to take every ounce of what He is handing out. Because it is a choice.
Merry Christmas and God bless you all!
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
I may regret this post......
I may regret this post. Wait, no I won't. I love blogging because I'm not forcing anyone to read my thoughts. I'm just putting it out there and if you decide to read it, that's great. If you don't, I don't regret posting. So here it goes.....
Last weekend at church we had a family of 10 (GASP!!!) come spend some time with our church family. They have adopted all 8 of their children in different scenarios and are now full time missionaries with the Assemblies of God. They travel from city to city advocating for foster care, adoption and the need for a movement in the church to follow Gods command to care for the orphan and widow. So Saturday night they shared their hearts with the adoption ministry in our church. There we were, in a room full of kids....biological, adopted, fostered. TONS of kids! And there were only like 10 families there! LOL! And that room was full of hope. It radiates through these people. The ones that are struggling through trauma issues, the ones that have multiple small children at home and desperately need a break, one whose husband is deployed and she handles 4 kids under the age of 6 every day! One family with 9 kids, three of which are deaf. Can I just tell you that watching their mom sign every word of the sermon on Sundays for them just explodes my heart? And you know what the world says? They say we're all crazy. They say it's irresponsible to have that many kids. They say that the orphan crisis is God's problem. Here's my take......
We are crazy. We are crazy enough to take a chance on a God that demands chance taking. We are crazy enough to trust Him to walk us through it. We are crazy enough to say "yes". There need to be more crazy people. More crazy, Jesus loving people in this world would mean children with full bellies. It would mean closed orphanages. It would mean children being brought up in a home that speaks life and prays truth. It would mean a generation of change. But change is a fight........
On Sunday morning the father of this family delivered a sermon that just gripped me. There were so many points that I walked away with my mind blown about. But here's the one......the one that got me. It's also the one that has caused a fair amount of controversy in the FB world (this makes me laugh). "Making abortion illegal won't prevent unwanted pregnancy. It won't increase a woman's desire or ability to parent. If we, as a body of Christ, desire and pray for abortion to end, then we have to start now and be prepared to care for the 4000+ children a day that will live." Here's why that got me......
I have always been against abortion. I believe that every child is a gift. A perfectly planned gift. It was hard for me to not think that when I have two insanely adorable biological children. Of course they are gifts! Of course I want abortion to end. Not just be illegal but to end. And of course we advocate for adoption and orphan care. But until Sunday, as David snuggled on my lap through the sermon, I had never considered this. I am the parent of an unwanted child.
At two years old, David was sent, via ambulance, to a hospital, alone. We don't know why, but he was there for 7 months. Alone. Eventually his mother was found and rights were signed over to the government. A huge part of me hates her. How could she just send him off in the ambulance and never look back?! And the much larger part of me, is thankful for her. Because until this weekend, it never occurred to me.....she could have chosen death for him. She could have chosen abortion. But she chose life. David is the result of choosing life.
Before he was born, David was an orphan. He was unwanted. He was the baby in the womb that we picket for. He was the baby that we push for legislation to protect. He had 10 fingers and 10 toes and a viable heartbeat as early as 5 weeks. In every country around the world there are activists fighting and dying and being arrested to end the murder of children inside the womb. But what happens after they are born? Do they become less important? Where are the picketers in front of the orphanages and group homes? Where are the churches and the 2 billion Christians? See......we are willing to fight for the end of killing children, but we aren't willing to fight for these children to truly live.
If we want to end abortion......because it's murder, no? Then we have to stop turning our heads away from the children dying every day in orphanages, group homes, on the streets, in brothels, in institutions. If the argument to end abortion is that its a child from conception......then the argument continues, is a child after birth not of the same value to God?
Which leads me to this. This isn't God's problem. As Christians, as adopted members of Gods family, this is very much our problem. He commanded us to love one another as He first loved us. He died for us. Sacrifice. Time, space, money, luxury.........adoption and foster care are a sacrifice. But the result of Christs sacrifice for us was redemption. We are redeemed and offered new life because He chose us over His own life. THAT is what He calls us to do. He calls us to offer redemption to the outcast. He calls us to offer life to the otherwise dead. He calls us to give them a life, and life to the fullest. The same life that He afforded us.
So what if you can't adopt or foster? On Sunday morning our speaker asked everyone in the congregation that had been adopted or fostered or had been part of adoption or foster care to stand up. There were people standing all over the church. I bet every person knows someone with an attachment to orphan care. Talk to them. If its a family that has adopted or fosters......do they need help? Maybe an hour to sleep or shower without trauma? Is there a womens shelter near you? Did you know that so many girls choose abortion because they don't know what their options are? They choose the only thing they know how to choose? What if we offered them education to learn to be a mom? What if we offered them a ride to church? I can promise that God will meet them there. Do you have any extra change laying around? Maybe God has blessed you tremendously in your finances. Did you know that there are organizations that build funding for special needs to children to be adopted? I can think of 4 different adoption fundraising auctions happening on my FB feed right at this very moment. Families willing to step out and say "yes" to the fatherless but they are still waiting on their financial miracle. There are SO MANY WAYS to step up and step out. God does not call every single person to adopt. Let's just be honest. Some people shouldn't have kids. BUT.......everyone can do something! Pray. Advocate. Sign the petitions. Buy from the auctions. Keep taking those names off the giving tree. Keep donating to Toys for Tots. Keep your ears open to what the Lord would have you do.
Here's my bottom line.......
my son, in his brokenness, is a gift. He is an arrow in the quiver. God has GREAT plans for him. And because his mother chose life for him, God's kingdom will be enhanced and those plans will come to fruition. And Jake and I, in our brokennes, are blessed to be the ones to extend grace to sweet David. We are blessed to watch God heal him. We are forever changed. Because one woman chose life.
Last weekend at church we had a family of 10 (GASP!!!) come spend some time with our church family. They have adopted all 8 of their children in different scenarios and are now full time missionaries with the Assemblies of God. They travel from city to city advocating for foster care, adoption and the need for a movement in the church to follow Gods command to care for the orphan and widow. So Saturday night they shared their hearts with the adoption ministry in our church. There we were, in a room full of kids....biological, adopted, fostered. TONS of kids! And there were only like 10 families there! LOL! And that room was full of hope. It radiates through these people. The ones that are struggling through trauma issues, the ones that have multiple small children at home and desperately need a break, one whose husband is deployed and she handles 4 kids under the age of 6 every day! One family with 9 kids, three of which are deaf. Can I just tell you that watching their mom sign every word of the sermon on Sundays for them just explodes my heart? And you know what the world says? They say we're all crazy. They say it's irresponsible to have that many kids. They say that the orphan crisis is God's problem. Here's my take......
We are crazy. We are crazy enough to take a chance on a God that demands chance taking. We are crazy enough to trust Him to walk us through it. We are crazy enough to say "yes". There need to be more crazy people. More crazy, Jesus loving people in this world would mean children with full bellies. It would mean closed orphanages. It would mean children being brought up in a home that speaks life and prays truth. It would mean a generation of change. But change is a fight........
On Sunday morning the father of this family delivered a sermon that just gripped me. There were so many points that I walked away with my mind blown about. But here's the one......the one that got me. It's also the one that has caused a fair amount of controversy in the FB world (this makes me laugh). "Making abortion illegal won't prevent unwanted pregnancy. It won't increase a woman's desire or ability to parent. If we, as a body of Christ, desire and pray for abortion to end, then we have to start now and be prepared to care for the 4000+ children a day that will live." Here's why that got me......
I have always been against abortion. I believe that every child is a gift. A perfectly planned gift. It was hard for me to not think that when I have two insanely adorable biological children. Of course they are gifts! Of course I want abortion to end. Not just be illegal but to end. And of course we advocate for adoption and orphan care. But until Sunday, as David snuggled on my lap through the sermon, I had never considered this. I am the parent of an unwanted child.
At two years old, David was sent, via ambulance, to a hospital, alone. We don't know why, but he was there for 7 months. Alone. Eventually his mother was found and rights were signed over to the government. A huge part of me hates her. How could she just send him off in the ambulance and never look back?! And the much larger part of me, is thankful for her. Because until this weekend, it never occurred to me.....she could have chosen death for him. She could have chosen abortion. But she chose life. David is the result of choosing life.
Before he was born, David was an orphan. He was unwanted. He was the baby in the womb that we picket for. He was the baby that we push for legislation to protect. He had 10 fingers and 10 toes and a viable heartbeat as early as 5 weeks. In every country around the world there are activists fighting and dying and being arrested to end the murder of children inside the womb. But what happens after they are born? Do they become less important? Where are the picketers in front of the orphanages and group homes? Where are the churches and the 2 billion Christians? See......we are willing to fight for the end of killing children, but we aren't willing to fight for these children to truly live.
If we want to end abortion......because it's murder, no? Then we have to stop turning our heads away from the children dying every day in orphanages, group homes, on the streets, in brothels, in institutions. If the argument to end abortion is that its a child from conception......then the argument continues, is a child after birth not of the same value to God?
Which leads me to this. This isn't God's problem. As Christians, as adopted members of Gods family, this is very much our problem. He commanded us to love one another as He first loved us. He died for us. Sacrifice. Time, space, money, luxury.........adoption and foster care are a sacrifice. But the result of Christs sacrifice for us was redemption. We are redeemed and offered new life because He chose us over His own life. THAT is what He calls us to do. He calls us to offer redemption to the outcast. He calls us to offer life to the otherwise dead. He calls us to give them a life, and life to the fullest. The same life that He afforded us.
So what if you can't adopt or foster? On Sunday morning our speaker asked everyone in the congregation that had been adopted or fostered or had been part of adoption or foster care to stand up. There were people standing all over the church. I bet every person knows someone with an attachment to orphan care. Talk to them. If its a family that has adopted or fosters......do they need help? Maybe an hour to sleep or shower without trauma? Is there a womens shelter near you? Did you know that so many girls choose abortion because they don't know what their options are? They choose the only thing they know how to choose? What if we offered them education to learn to be a mom? What if we offered them a ride to church? I can promise that God will meet them there. Do you have any extra change laying around? Maybe God has blessed you tremendously in your finances. Did you know that there are organizations that build funding for special needs to children to be adopted? I can think of 4 different adoption fundraising auctions happening on my FB feed right at this very moment. Families willing to step out and say "yes" to the fatherless but they are still waiting on their financial miracle. There are SO MANY WAYS to step up and step out. God does not call every single person to adopt. Let's just be honest. Some people shouldn't have kids. BUT.......everyone can do something! Pray. Advocate. Sign the petitions. Buy from the auctions. Keep taking those names off the giving tree. Keep donating to Toys for Tots. Keep your ears open to what the Lord would have you do.
Here's my bottom line.......
my son, in his brokenness, is a gift. He is an arrow in the quiver. God has GREAT plans for him. And because his mother chose life for him, God's kingdom will be enhanced and those plans will come to fruition. And Jake and I, in our brokennes, are blessed to be the ones to extend grace to sweet David. We are blessed to watch God heal him. We are forever changed. Because one woman chose life.
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
A Day of Firsts.....
To my sweet friends that so delicately reminded me on the last post that David hadn't been added to the blog.....please note young Davids picture is now on the blog :)
We have been home for almost 2 months now. We have had some good days and some bad days and some "meh" days in between. Every day brings something old and something new. Sometimes a few steps forward and sometimes a few steps back. But we are still stepping. And that's what counts in this house.
David. Oh little David. Can I tell you that David is SMART? I'm not saying "smart" like when your baby rolls over or crawls a little early and you swoon "he's so smart". I'm not talking about counting to 5 a gazillion times and then your 2 your old counting to 5 after you kind of smart either. I'm talking about been home less than 2 months and has a ridiculous understanding of English and an expansive vocabulary under his belt. We went to the pediatrician last week for the nasty of all nasty coughs and he started chuckling at David talking to him......partly because he does very much sound like the Count from Sesame Street and partly because doc was blown away by Davids progress. He can count to 20 in English now. We spent countless hours in the orphanage learning ABC's and identifying them. I thought certainly he would forget. He didn't. He's got colors and body parts down too. He's a sponge.
Having said that.......he is SUPER strong willed. We know what he's capable of. He has shown us how smart he is. But there are days when he literally refuses to speak. He shuts down and clams up. We will ask him a question and he will just stare at us and we will say "are you going to use words?" and straight faced he will say "nope!". Well, alright then. Yesterday was day two of his not speaking protest. How can we fix it if he won't speak? So last night, Jake and I had a little chat with David. We decided to use a reward instead of threatening to take something away. Here's how the conversation went:
Jake - does David need something?
David - yessir.
Jake - what does David need?
David - Daddy hug me.
Jake - is that all? What else does David want?
David- Daddy pick me up, put in bed.
Jake - Ok, Does David need something from Mommy?
David - Yes. Mommy pray for me.
People. I'm teary eyed writing this. At the time it didn't hit me. It did after he was in bed and sleeping soundly with a smile on his face, but today it has hit even harder. Two days he refused to speak to us. TWO DAYS. And a hug and a prayer fixed it. A hug and a prayer.
Last night I was talking to a friend that said the hardest thing about adoption, if she were to adopt, would be the unknown. I agree. We face it every single day. The first two and a half years of Davids life are unknown. His medical history is unknown. His triggers are unknown. We are learning day by day and piece by piece to the puzzle that his life at the orphanage was not the fairytale that they painted. We are realizing exactly how deep and vast the hurt is. We are learning how big the developmental delay is and trying to piece that together with the giant gaping hole in his medical records. But just imagine this........have you ever been so overwhelmed with life and emotions that you feel numb? You have felt so many things that you literally can't feel anymore? I believe that's where David is on days when he refuses to speak. He has felt oppressed most of his life. He has had food withheld and been beaten and slept for days in his own waste and been attacked in his sleep and has spent months upon months in a hospital. On days when David shuts down.....he's responding. His body is defending itself. He's coping. He literally cannot stand to feel anymore. But he just needs a hug. And a prayer. And the numbness will fade.
This morning David went to speech therapy with Jake. He came home bouncy and full of energy. Usually therapy days are BAD because he's overstimulated and exhausted. Not today. Today, David was riding on a hug and prayer. And we had a huge day of firsts. Today, for the first time in two months, after ignoring our prompting for 2 months, David:
- spoke loudly and clearly all day long. No whining! No whispering!
- He was playing upstairs and came all the way downstairs and said "mommy please blow my nose".
- while we were out today, he told me he was hungry. He has NEVER asked me for food. Ever.
- While eating dinner, he said "mommy, drink all gone. more drink please"
- when he finished dinner, he asked for more! He has NEVER EVER asked for food!
- he burped during dinner and completely on his own said "excuse me I burped"
- he specifically asked for a certain type of food (that was out of sight)...."mommy, please have grapes?"
- I was walking up the stairs tonight and he said "where are you going, mama?"
- Jake and I have joked that David utilizes about 1/24th of his twin size bed. He would only move about a 1/4 inch every night. Tonight, he is sprawled out across the bed, sideways. He's FINALLY comfortable.
I could go on for days, but seriously, who is this kid?!!!!! I have been absolutely blown away by his speech and actions today!!!!!
I am thankful for the joy in Davids voice today. That's a joy we haven't seen in quite some time. And its refreshing. Its refreshing to hear his joy, when it hurts me to know just a fraction of his pain.
I have SO much more to say.......but tonight, I'm stopping it at this........
Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good. His love endures forever. Psalm 107:1
We have been home for almost 2 months now. We have had some good days and some bad days and some "meh" days in between. Every day brings something old and something new. Sometimes a few steps forward and sometimes a few steps back. But we are still stepping. And that's what counts in this house.
David. Oh little David. Can I tell you that David is SMART? I'm not saying "smart" like when your baby rolls over or crawls a little early and you swoon "he's so smart". I'm not talking about counting to 5 a gazillion times and then your 2 your old counting to 5 after you kind of smart either. I'm talking about been home less than 2 months and has a ridiculous understanding of English and an expansive vocabulary under his belt. We went to the pediatrician last week for the nasty of all nasty coughs and he started chuckling at David talking to him......partly because he does very much sound like the Count from Sesame Street and partly because doc was blown away by Davids progress. He can count to 20 in English now. We spent countless hours in the orphanage learning ABC's and identifying them. I thought certainly he would forget. He didn't. He's got colors and body parts down too. He's a sponge.
Having said that.......he is SUPER strong willed. We know what he's capable of. He has shown us how smart he is. But there are days when he literally refuses to speak. He shuts down and clams up. We will ask him a question and he will just stare at us and we will say "are you going to use words?" and straight faced he will say "nope!". Well, alright then. Yesterday was day two of his not speaking protest. How can we fix it if he won't speak? So last night, Jake and I had a little chat with David. We decided to use a reward instead of threatening to take something away. Here's how the conversation went:
Jake - does David need something?
David - yessir.
Jake - what does David need?
David - Daddy hug me.
Jake - is that all? What else does David want?
David- Daddy pick me up, put in bed.
Jake - Ok, Does David need something from Mommy?
David - Yes. Mommy pray for me.
People. I'm teary eyed writing this. At the time it didn't hit me. It did after he was in bed and sleeping soundly with a smile on his face, but today it has hit even harder. Two days he refused to speak to us. TWO DAYS. And a hug and a prayer fixed it. A hug and a prayer.
Last night I was talking to a friend that said the hardest thing about adoption, if she were to adopt, would be the unknown. I agree. We face it every single day. The first two and a half years of Davids life are unknown. His medical history is unknown. His triggers are unknown. We are learning day by day and piece by piece to the puzzle that his life at the orphanage was not the fairytale that they painted. We are realizing exactly how deep and vast the hurt is. We are learning how big the developmental delay is and trying to piece that together with the giant gaping hole in his medical records. But just imagine this........have you ever been so overwhelmed with life and emotions that you feel numb? You have felt so many things that you literally can't feel anymore? I believe that's where David is on days when he refuses to speak. He has felt oppressed most of his life. He has had food withheld and been beaten and slept for days in his own waste and been attacked in his sleep and has spent months upon months in a hospital. On days when David shuts down.....he's responding. His body is defending itself. He's coping. He literally cannot stand to feel anymore. But he just needs a hug. And a prayer. And the numbness will fade.
This morning David went to speech therapy with Jake. He came home bouncy and full of energy. Usually therapy days are BAD because he's overstimulated and exhausted. Not today. Today, David was riding on a hug and prayer. And we had a huge day of firsts. Today, for the first time in two months, after ignoring our prompting for 2 months, David:
- spoke loudly and clearly all day long. No whining! No whispering!
- He was playing upstairs and came all the way downstairs and said "mommy please blow my nose".
- while we were out today, he told me he was hungry. He has NEVER asked me for food. Ever.
- While eating dinner, he said "mommy, drink all gone. more drink please"
- when he finished dinner, he asked for more! He has NEVER EVER asked for food!
- he burped during dinner and completely on his own said "excuse me I burped"
- he specifically asked for a certain type of food (that was out of sight)...."mommy, please have grapes?"
- I was walking up the stairs tonight and he said "where are you going, mama?"
- Jake and I have joked that David utilizes about 1/24th of his twin size bed. He would only move about a 1/4 inch every night. Tonight, he is sprawled out across the bed, sideways. He's FINALLY comfortable.
I could go on for days, but seriously, who is this kid?!!!!! I have been absolutely blown away by his speech and actions today!!!!!
I am thankful for the joy in Davids voice today. That's a joy we haven't seen in quite some time. And its refreshing. Its refreshing to hear his joy, when it hurts me to know just a fraction of his pain.
I have SO much more to say.......but tonight, I'm stopping it at this........
Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good. His love endures forever. Psalm 107:1
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Obedient
There have been lots of phases in my life. I went through a lengthy tomboy phase that included a bowl cut, Umbro shorts every day and dreams of joining any and every professional sports organization as the first female player to infiltrate their fraternity. I went through a phase in college where I had NO dreams or direction (thus, the lack of a diploma). But somewhere in between those two very awkward times in my life, I started writing. I dreamed of writing a book once. For a people pleaser like myself, publishing a book would classify me as a glutton for punishment. If you put it out there, someone is bound to read it.....and chances are, they might not like it. Once I realized that most of the characters in my book are still alive and would surely excommunicate me if I published their stories, I started blogging. And it turns out that publishing each and every blog post is much like publishing a book. There is a raw vulnerability that overwhelms me with each post and there are days when I have SO much to say, and not enough fight left in me to sustain the opinions of some readers. There are a lot of topics that I will never touch because I don't feel that I have anything constructive to say about them. But when I do write, its because I don't feel like God gave me these words to keep to myself. He didn't afford me the ability to form sentences just for me to scribble in a notebook. So tonight, I don't want to write this. I tell God, "these are MY emotions and MY gut wrenching struggles and MY jump around triumphs!" and God says "no. They aren't YOURS". I have written and deleted and mulled over and reworked this post for a week, each time walking away and saying "tomorrow". Each "tomorrow", God taps me on the shoulder and says "today". Tonight, I'm posting out of obedience. Because the reason we breathe, is to tell of His glory.
My last post talked about our closeness to God on our first trip to Ukraine. Jake and I both felt closer to God than ever before. We came home and started preparing our home for David and in the blink of an eye we were back on a plane, and subsequently a train, and headed to Bene, Ukraine once again. The second trip was harder for me. I cried through most of the travel (ask Jake. I promise he remembers LOL). I was in mourning. I mourned the ease of a family of 4. I mourned the simplicity of praying over children that weren't broken inside. I mourned the routine that I had established just me and Zella and my paintbrushes every day. If there was anything that we found comfort in at home, I wept for its' loss. And now I know, I was weeping for the loss of my self. And that's not a bad thing. God made it very clear to me that He did not intend to send us across the world and bring back the same people. I knew the hard stuff was coming, and I was right.
There were days in Ukraine after Jake left that felt like my 40 days in the desert. I spent a lot of time fighting God. I spent a lot of time questioning why He left me in this tiny village alone and why He would separate a family and hurt two children for the sake of another. I would lay in the bed in the apartment and just talk to God. Talk talk talk talk talk and then nothing. His silence was absolutely deafening and maddening and heart breaking. One morning I woke up to another day of rain, facing another day at the orphanage with workers that didn't like me and didn't want our adoption to happen that were filling our sons head with who knows what and my clothes that had dried on the line outside by the chicken coup smelled like sewage and I broke. I stood there completely naked with clothes in my clenched fists shaking them at God and yelling at Him "why did You do this to us? Why are You SO quiet? I'm here aren't I? Isn't this what You told me to do? You told me to go and here I am being obedient and nothing from You! What do You want from me?" And in my screaming, He whispered back. "THIS is not what I asked of you. I don't want anything from you. I want you." I spent that day silent. As conviction washed over me I became painfully aware of the sin in my misery and grand expectation. It occurred to me that Gods purpose in isolating me was to draw me closer to Him.....not to push me away. A sweet friend of mine and prayer warrior for our family said to me "McKenzee. Its time for you to cut out all the noise and just BE STILL." I sat in the middle of the bed and closed my eyes and turned on praise and worship music. "The more I seek You. The more I find You. The more I find You. The more I love You. I want to sit at Your feet, drink from the cup in Your hands, lay back against You and breathe, feel Your heartbeat. This love is so deep, its more than I can stand. I melt in Your peace, its overwhelming." And there He was. Just sitting with me. Being quiet. And in the following days, as things got harder, and the loneliness got deeper, He began speaking to me and revealing all of the things He was working on inside of me. The more I began to seek His face, the more I found Him. And the more He began preparing my heart for this long road ahead......
At some point in our marriage, Jake became my only lean-to. He became my safe haven and my voice of reason......my first safe haven and my first voice of reason. And the very first thing that God revealed to me in that apartment in Ukraine was that His desire for our marriage is for God to be a resting place for each of us FIRST, with one another as the earthly supplement. Jake cannot possibly complete me, when he, himself, is incomplete. The only acceptable codependency, is codependency on God. BURN.
Next, God began showing me the ways that He had so perfectly taken care of me in Jakes absence. I was staying in an apartment, attached to a house, owned and lived in by the nurse and the groundskeeper at the orphanage. They fed me fresh fruit and vegetables directly from their garden. When the orphanage director said she wanted to appeal our adoption because we didn't believe we love David, these people, strangers, went to bat for us. When my loneliness was overwhelming, there would be a knock on the door and little 2 year old Bogy would march in with her pigtails and pacifier and plop herself down in my lap and hug me. When they caught me one day with tears in my eyes, they prayed for me. They prayed for me. God put me in an apartment with people that love Him, that cared for me just as they would have cared for their own family member. His love is global. And every morning when they woke me up with coffee, I was reminded of that.
We did the paper chase and God showed off HUGE in every goverment office we entered. He was proving to me that He had not left me, I simply had to seek His presence. And then our orphanage visits were over and Gotcha Day came and went and we hopped a train to Kiev........and the refiners fire got hot hot hot. Kiev was cold and rainy. Cold as in, too cold and wet for a little boy that NEEDS to stay healthy kinda cold. So we stayed in the apartment. A lot. And the transition began.
I need to say this before I get into the transition.....we could have had another baby if we wanted to just expand our family. We did not at all feel like that's what God was requiring of us. Yes, of course, there is emotion and yes, David is our son and no, we wouldn't change any of this, but for our family, adoption is an act of obedience. There are no rainbows or flowers or fluffy kitty cats in obedience. Its HARD. For families that keep it real and don't glamourize or romanticize adoption, thank you!
By the time we got to Kiev and our transition phase started, I was spiritually empty. I was maintaining all I could maintain with praise and worship and prayer alone. It felt like every day was a new battle. I was being shaped and molded spiritually while trying to be patient and handle a very scared and stubborn little boy....while hurdling a language barrier. He would have a meltdown that would last hours and when it was over, I would go take a hot shower and have a meltdown of my own. We had been there 6 days when I finally said enough is enough. Sunday morning came and we had no idea how long we were going to be in Kiev. David was bored and tired of looking at me and tired of looking at our apartment and I prayed "God. Give me the courage to go to church today." I picked up the phone and called our translator and asked her to call us a cab. She tried to talk me out of it. She tried to tell me that the church I wanted to go to wasn't a REAL church.......I told her to call the cab. I prayed the whole way there.....Father, here I am. I have absolutely nothing left. Sustain me. We walked into Hillsong Church Kiev and the tears started running down my face. Worship was full of hand raisers and aisle dancers and "Amen"ers. I felt FULL. Before we left, the church provided translator laid hands on us and prayed for us. I cried again. Just to be among believers......I felt at home. We walked out of there so peaceful. I didn't know when we were leaving Ukraine, but I knew God would carry me through that time. And when I looked to my left, at those big brown eyes staring up at me, the parallels began to hit me. David didn't know this peace or fullness. He fought me just as hard as I fight God. His tantrums are no different than mine. He fights me over bedtime and baths.....I fight God over pride and selfishness. The difference is this..........Gods PERFECT love for me, casts out my fear of being abandoned. David doesn't know Gods love, so he looks to me to cast out that fear......and my love has been far from perfect. I began to realize that God parents every one of us as His hurt children. He binds up our wounds and heals our brokenness to prepare our hearts to do His work. He doesn't parent us as healthy children and then get frustrated when our brokenness shows through.
And that's where we are today. We are working our hardest to emulate that perfect, fear casting out love. And we fail. A lot. A whole lot. We knew that this would be hard. We knew that there would be a ton of adjusting to do for every member of our family. We didn't know that God would break us down to our knees in humility. We didn't know that God would redefine "love" for us. We do know that God is working. In the midst of words like scabies, poop accidents, speech therapy and tantrums.....God has purpose. He doesn't waste anything. He teaches us to find the rainbows in little things like after being home for almost two weeks, the fear of bedtime has subsided enough for David to say "good night mommy. i duv you too!". He teaches us to look forward to dying to ourselves.....because that means we can finally live for Him.
We have been quiet. We haven't been on FB much. The TV has gotten lots of rest. We haven't answered tons of phone calls (sorry about that). There are a lot of opinions and lots of noise that happens when families struggle. And if we learned anything AT ALL in Ukraine, its that the ONLY noise we need to hear, the only advice we need to seek, the only voice we need to rise to, the only book we need about adoption, is breathed by God.
My last post talked about our closeness to God on our first trip to Ukraine. Jake and I both felt closer to God than ever before. We came home and started preparing our home for David and in the blink of an eye we were back on a plane, and subsequently a train, and headed to Bene, Ukraine once again. The second trip was harder for me. I cried through most of the travel (ask Jake. I promise he remembers LOL). I was in mourning. I mourned the ease of a family of 4. I mourned the simplicity of praying over children that weren't broken inside. I mourned the routine that I had established just me and Zella and my paintbrushes every day. If there was anything that we found comfort in at home, I wept for its' loss. And now I know, I was weeping for the loss of my self. And that's not a bad thing. God made it very clear to me that He did not intend to send us across the world and bring back the same people. I knew the hard stuff was coming, and I was right.
There were days in Ukraine after Jake left that felt like my 40 days in the desert. I spent a lot of time fighting God. I spent a lot of time questioning why He left me in this tiny village alone and why He would separate a family and hurt two children for the sake of another. I would lay in the bed in the apartment and just talk to God. Talk talk talk talk talk and then nothing. His silence was absolutely deafening and maddening and heart breaking. One morning I woke up to another day of rain, facing another day at the orphanage with workers that didn't like me and didn't want our adoption to happen that were filling our sons head with who knows what and my clothes that had dried on the line outside by the chicken coup smelled like sewage and I broke. I stood there completely naked with clothes in my clenched fists shaking them at God and yelling at Him "why did You do this to us? Why are You SO quiet? I'm here aren't I? Isn't this what You told me to do? You told me to go and here I am being obedient and nothing from You! What do You want from me?" And in my screaming, He whispered back. "THIS is not what I asked of you. I don't want anything from you. I want you." I spent that day silent. As conviction washed over me I became painfully aware of the sin in my misery and grand expectation. It occurred to me that Gods purpose in isolating me was to draw me closer to Him.....not to push me away. A sweet friend of mine and prayer warrior for our family said to me "McKenzee. Its time for you to cut out all the noise and just BE STILL." I sat in the middle of the bed and closed my eyes and turned on praise and worship music. "The more I seek You. The more I find You. The more I find You. The more I love You. I want to sit at Your feet, drink from the cup in Your hands, lay back against You and breathe, feel Your heartbeat. This love is so deep, its more than I can stand. I melt in Your peace, its overwhelming." And there He was. Just sitting with me. Being quiet. And in the following days, as things got harder, and the loneliness got deeper, He began speaking to me and revealing all of the things He was working on inside of me. The more I began to seek His face, the more I found Him. And the more He began preparing my heart for this long road ahead......
At some point in our marriage, Jake became my only lean-to. He became my safe haven and my voice of reason......my first safe haven and my first voice of reason. And the very first thing that God revealed to me in that apartment in Ukraine was that His desire for our marriage is for God to be a resting place for each of us FIRST, with one another as the earthly supplement. Jake cannot possibly complete me, when he, himself, is incomplete. The only acceptable codependency, is codependency on God. BURN.
Next, God began showing me the ways that He had so perfectly taken care of me in Jakes absence. I was staying in an apartment, attached to a house, owned and lived in by the nurse and the groundskeeper at the orphanage. They fed me fresh fruit and vegetables directly from their garden. When the orphanage director said she wanted to appeal our adoption because we didn't believe we love David, these people, strangers, went to bat for us. When my loneliness was overwhelming, there would be a knock on the door and little 2 year old Bogy would march in with her pigtails and pacifier and plop herself down in my lap and hug me. When they caught me one day with tears in my eyes, they prayed for me. They prayed for me. God put me in an apartment with people that love Him, that cared for me just as they would have cared for their own family member. His love is global. And every morning when they woke me up with coffee, I was reminded of that.
We did the paper chase and God showed off HUGE in every goverment office we entered. He was proving to me that He had not left me, I simply had to seek His presence. And then our orphanage visits were over and Gotcha Day came and went and we hopped a train to Kiev........and the refiners fire got hot hot hot. Kiev was cold and rainy. Cold as in, too cold and wet for a little boy that NEEDS to stay healthy kinda cold. So we stayed in the apartment. A lot. And the transition began.
I need to say this before I get into the transition.....we could have had another baby if we wanted to just expand our family. We did not at all feel like that's what God was requiring of us. Yes, of course, there is emotion and yes, David is our son and no, we wouldn't change any of this, but for our family, adoption is an act of obedience. There are no rainbows or flowers or fluffy kitty cats in obedience. Its HARD. For families that keep it real and don't glamourize or romanticize adoption, thank you!
By the time we got to Kiev and our transition phase started, I was spiritually empty. I was maintaining all I could maintain with praise and worship and prayer alone. It felt like every day was a new battle. I was being shaped and molded spiritually while trying to be patient and handle a very scared and stubborn little boy....while hurdling a language barrier. He would have a meltdown that would last hours and when it was over, I would go take a hot shower and have a meltdown of my own. We had been there 6 days when I finally said enough is enough. Sunday morning came and we had no idea how long we were going to be in Kiev. David was bored and tired of looking at me and tired of looking at our apartment and I prayed "God. Give me the courage to go to church today." I picked up the phone and called our translator and asked her to call us a cab. She tried to talk me out of it. She tried to tell me that the church I wanted to go to wasn't a REAL church.......I told her to call the cab. I prayed the whole way there.....Father, here I am. I have absolutely nothing left. Sustain me. We walked into Hillsong Church Kiev and the tears started running down my face. Worship was full of hand raisers and aisle dancers and "Amen"ers. I felt FULL. Before we left, the church provided translator laid hands on us and prayed for us. I cried again. Just to be among believers......I felt at home. We walked out of there so peaceful. I didn't know when we were leaving Ukraine, but I knew God would carry me through that time. And when I looked to my left, at those big brown eyes staring up at me, the parallels began to hit me. David didn't know this peace or fullness. He fought me just as hard as I fight God. His tantrums are no different than mine. He fights me over bedtime and baths.....I fight God over pride and selfishness. The difference is this..........Gods PERFECT love for me, casts out my fear of being abandoned. David doesn't know Gods love, so he looks to me to cast out that fear......and my love has been far from perfect. I began to realize that God parents every one of us as His hurt children. He binds up our wounds and heals our brokenness to prepare our hearts to do His work. He doesn't parent us as healthy children and then get frustrated when our brokenness shows through.
And that's where we are today. We are working our hardest to emulate that perfect, fear casting out love. And we fail. A lot. A whole lot. We knew that this would be hard. We knew that there would be a ton of adjusting to do for every member of our family. We didn't know that God would break us down to our knees in humility. We didn't know that God would redefine "love" for us. We do know that God is working. In the midst of words like scabies, poop accidents, speech therapy and tantrums.....God has purpose. He doesn't waste anything. He teaches us to find the rainbows in little things like after being home for almost two weeks, the fear of bedtime has subsided enough for David to say "good night mommy. i duv you too!". He teaches us to look forward to dying to ourselves.....because that means we can finally live for Him.
We have been quiet. We haven't been on FB much. The TV has gotten lots of rest. We haven't answered tons of phone calls (sorry about that). There are a lot of opinions and lots of noise that happens when families struggle. And if we learned anything AT ALL in Ukraine, its that the ONLY noise we need to hear, the only advice we need to seek, the only voice we need to rise to, the only book we need about adoption, is breathed by God.
Sunday, August 25, 2013
The Wrecking Ball
We've been home now for 8 days. Back in the land of excess and women that wear tennis shoes. The FIRST thing that happened when we landed in Detroit? An Einstein Brothers Hazelnut Latte. That's what happened. And then my stomach said "hey! You haven't had dairy in two weeks!" and yeah, that happened as well. Both of our cell phones exploded. We were thrilled to be able to answer and chit chat and know that after just one more flight, our arms would be wrapped around Cole and Zella. And then the flight in Detroit got delayed (you can laugh. Its ok). We walked through the door of our house at 7pm. I don't think any of us stopped smiling that whole night. It felt AHHHHH-MAZING to shower and shave my legs and actually feel ok about touching the walls of the shower and to sleep in my very own bed that was not suspect of anyone elses' germs. And while I was basking and wallowing and rolling around in all of my home sweet American home glory, I was missing something......
On our flight from Detroit to Savannah we were talking to a couple that had considered adoption as a solution to their infertility. They asked SO many questions and I could tell by their reactions that even though they had JUST found out that they were pregnant with twins, parts of their hearts were still in adoption. I was explaining to the husband some of the experiences we had with children at our little man's orphanage. The husband was on the verge of tears as I confidently sat there, stoic. He just kept saying "that must be the most heartbreaking thing ever". And it occurred to me that I had not, at all, even come close to beginning to process what Jake and I had just walked through. The morning after we arrived home, we walked into church, and my mind began to process. It began to work its' way around the sights and the smells and the emotions and the tragedy and the HUGEness of our two week whirlwind.......and that was my wrecking ball. And it hasn't stopped swinging for 8 days.
I thought that when God called us to adoption, He was wrecking us. When God whispered "Ukraine" in Jakes ear and we learned that there was no pre-selection I thought surely that was God's final wrecking. When He told us to leave Cole and Zella behind, oh and you might be gone for 6 weeks but its all kind of up in the air, I thought, "oh ok, God. THAT's the wrecking ball." I was wrong. On all accounts. THIS, the part where He has convicted us and laid the control in our court, THIS is Him wrecking us.
Jake and I advocate for adoption. When people ask us about adoption and we give them our pretty little packaged up answer in our sweetest little Southern voices "The Lord really touched us for orphans....." they just smile and nod and "oh good for you! The world needs more people like you!" and Jake and I walk away feeling ashamed as if we've taken credit for something that we deserve NO credit for. We feel like we failed. "I don't want you to think I'm a good person! I want you to look at their faces! I want you to imagine poverty so tragic that you're forced to leave your little girl in her smocked seer sucker dress and her pink bow the size of Texas at a state run orphanage and pray and beg God to send someone to adopt her so that at least she can live even if its without you! I want you to look at your own life and realize that you are NO different than the faces of these 20 pound 10 year old, dirty, African children.......except for this one thing. When you were starving. When you were thirsty and begging for a drink at the well, your Father didn't turn away as if you didn't exist. He DIED. He bled. He rose from the dead. For you. But you pretend like these children........just as naked and ashamed as you are under your clothes, you scoff and say 'its someone elses problem. Someone else will feed them. Someone else will give them the same life that I have and don't deserve.' I don't need your high five. I need you to care".......that's what I want to say when they tell me they admire what we're doing. And every time we DON'T say this, which is every single time, God drives the hurt a little deeper. It's easy to cover it up here. It's easy to be here in the land of plenty and push all of that deep, deep down.......it's that same place, deep deep down, that's where God is. I never could figure out why I couldn't hear Him better. I would pray and pray and pray and "God why can't I HEAR you?! I seek Your face and Your presence and feel so out of touch!" and all the while, He was there.
I'm just going to put this out there.....I'm an inner circle kind of girl. I like my "people" and I LOVE my home. Inside these walls it is safe and cozy and with the push of a little button I can control the climate in 3 different zones in our house. We are overwhelmed with luxury and I can't even lie, I like it. I enjoy this life. Ukraine was not the place for me. I'm more of Caribbean traveler. You know, white sandy beaches, crystal blue water, a random man repairing a thatched roof hut while another serves you fruity stuff in a coconut. That's me. Ukraine was not that. I was uncomfortable there. It was beautiful. It's a totally different landscape than I've ever seen before. And I was uncomfortable. I was out of place. I was tired. I felt dirty because my hair had this grossish film thing happening. My feet had blisters from walking in the wrong shoes. And there's not a whole lot of dedorant use happening there. Have I mentioned that I have a smell issue? I do. Terrible predicament to have. But bottom line......I was uncomfortable. We showed up with NO idea of what was going to happen. We had NO idea what God's plans for us entailed. We had an extreme communication issue with the language barrier. And Wi-Fi was hit or miss (the horror!!!!!!). And in that country, in all of the physical discomfort, my soul rested. For the first time in a really really long time, I wasn't fighting Him.....because He won. I could HEAR GOD CLEARLY. The breeze would blow and it was like I was walking hand in hand with the Holy Spirit. We talked all day. We talked all night. He was there, just like He always is, and I was finally present. FINALLY. Because that was where God wanted us. Completely reliant on Him. Completely dependent on Him for guidance and companionship. Completely in His will. If for only 2 weeks, we were there...........and we miss it. And we know God is calling us to voice those thoughts that we push down. We know God is calling us to step out. We just don't know how......I can start here.
Adoption is hard. It just is. Not everyone is called to adopt. Not everyone is called to give to adoption. But I think we are all called. We are all called to something. We are all called to that place of "uncomfortable". Every single persons "uncomfortable" place will be different. But I guarantee that if you're in Gods will in going to that place, you'll find Him there. And once you find Him, you will hunger for His presence like you never have before. You will race back to that same horrible discomfort, just to find Him again. And maybe adoption is for you. If you fall into that category, let me say this to you........don't ignore the call. Pray about it. There is NOTHING that God won't equip you for in the process. You might feel unequipped. You might feel like you aren't a "good enough parent". You might play the age card. You might have concerns about how your bio kids will be effected. Just pray about it. Because there are millions of children that are just waiting for someone to say "yes". When I look at our son and hear his story (I so hope to share this with you one day!) I realize that he was perfectly designed for our family. And I see his friends, literally clawing their way out of classrooms at the orphanage and throwing themselves at our feet and taking us by the hand and trying to run away with us, those children were perfectly designed for someones family. But someone has to say yes. If not you, who? Who will turn toward them instead of away? Who will SHOW them the love of Jesus? If not you, WHO?
Our wrecking ball is still swinging. God is calling us to levels of discomfort we've never known......and if it gets us closer to Him, we're going. All 5 of us. Because if not us, then who?
On our flight from Detroit to Savannah we were talking to a couple that had considered adoption as a solution to their infertility. They asked SO many questions and I could tell by their reactions that even though they had JUST found out that they were pregnant with twins, parts of their hearts were still in adoption. I was explaining to the husband some of the experiences we had with children at our little man's orphanage. The husband was on the verge of tears as I confidently sat there, stoic. He just kept saying "that must be the most heartbreaking thing ever". And it occurred to me that I had not, at all, even come close to beginning to process what Jake and I had just walked through. The morning after we arrived home, we walked into church, and my mind began to process. It began to work its' way around the sights and the smells and the emotions and the tragedy and the HUGEness of our two week whirlwind.......and that was my wrecking ball. And it hasn't stopped swinging for 8 days.
I thought that when God called us to adoption, He was wrecking us. When God whispered "Ukraine" in Jakes ear and we learned that there was no pre-selection I thought surely that was God's final wrecking. When He told us to leave Cole and Zella behind, oh and you might be gone for 6 weeks but its all kind of up in the air, I thought, "oh ok, God. THAT's the wrecking ball." I was wrong. On all accounts. THIS, the part where He has convicted us and laid the control in our court, THIS is Him wrecking us.
Jake and I advocate for adoption. When people ask us about adoption and we give them our pretty little packaged up answer in our sweetest little Southern voices "The Lord really touched us for orphans....." they just smile and nod and "oh good for you! The world needs more people like you!" and Jake and I walk away feeling ashamed as if we've taken credit for something that we deserve NO credit for. We feel like we failed. "I don't want you to think I'm a good person! I want you to look at their faces! I want you to imagine poverty so tragic that you're forced to leave your little girl in her smocked seer sucker dress and her pink bow the size of Texas at a state run orphanage and pray and beg God to send someone to adopt her so that at least she can live even if its without you! I want you to look at your own life and realize that you are NO different than the faces of these 20 pound 10 year old, dirty, African children.......except for this one thing. When you were starving. When you were thirsty and begging for a drink at the well, your Father didn't turn away as if you didn't exist. He DIED. He bled. He rose from the dead. For you. But you pretend like these children........just as naked and ashamed as you are under your clothes, you scoff and say 'its someone elses problem. Someone else will feed them. Someone else will give them the same life that I have and don't deserve.' I don't need your high five. I need you to care".......that's what I want to say when they tell me they admire what we're doing. And every time we DON'T say this, which is every single time, God drives the hurt a little deeper. It's easy to cover it up here. It's easy to be here in the land of plenty and push all of that deep, deep down.......it's that same place, deep deep down, that's where God is. I never could figure out why I couldn't hear Him better. I would pray and pray and pray and "God why can't I HEAR you?! I seek Your face and Your presence and feel so out of touch!" and all the while, He was there.
I'm just going to put this out there.....I'm an inner circle kind of girl. I like my "people" and I LOVE my home. Inside these walls it is safe and cozy and with the push of a little button I can control the climate in 3 different zones in our house. We are overwhelmed with luxury and I can't even lie, I like it. I enjoy this life. Ukraine was not the place for me. I'm more of Caribbean traveler. You know, white sandy beaches, crystal blue water, a random man repairing a thatched roof hut while another serves you fruity stuff in a coconut. That's me. Ukraine was not that. I was uncomfortable there. It was beautiful. It's a totally different landscape than I've ever seen before. And I was uncomfortable. I was out of place. I was tired. I felt dirty because my hair had this grossish film thing happening. My feet had blisters from walking in the wrong shoes. And there's not a whole lot of dedorant use happening there. Have I mentioned that I have a smell issue? I do. Terrible predicament to have. But bottom line......I was uncomfortable. We showed up with NO idea of what was going to happen. We had NO idea what God's plans for us entailed. We had an extreme communication issue with the language barrier. And Wi-Fi was hit or miss (the horror!!!!!!). And in that country, in all of the physical discomfort, my soul rested. For the first time in a really really long time, I wasn't fighting Him.....because He won. I could HEAR GOD CLEARLY. The breeze would blow and it was like I was walking hand in hand with the Holy Spirit. We talked all day. We talked all night. He was there, just like He always is, and I was finally present. FINALLY. Because that was where God wanted us. Completely reliant on Him. Completely dependent on Him for guidance and companionship. Completely in His will. If for only 2 weeks, we were there...........and we miss it. And we know God is calling us to voice those thoughts that we push down. We know God is calling us to step out. We just don't know how......I can start here.
Adoption is hard. It just is. Not everyone is called to adopt. Not everyone is called to give to adoption. But I think we are all called. We are all called to something. We are all called to that place of "uncomfortable". Every single persons "uncomfortable" place will be different. But I guarantee that if you're in Gods will in going to that place, you'll find Him there. And once you find Him, you will hunger for His presence like you never have before. You will race back to that same horrible discomfort, just to find Him again. And maybe adoption is for you. If you fall into that category, let me say this to you........don't ignore the call. Pray about it. There is NOTHING that God won't equip you for in the process. You might feel unequipped. You might feel like you aren't a "good enough parent". You might play the age card. You might have concerns about how your bio kids will be effected. Just pray about it. Because there are millions of children that are just waiting for someone to say "yes". When I look at our son and hear his story (I so hope to share this with you one day!) I realize that he was perfectly designed for our family. And I see his friends, literally clawing their way out of classrooms at the orphanage and throwing themselves at our feet and taking us by the hand and trying to run away with us, those children were perfectly designed for someones family. But someone has to say yes. If not you, who? Who will turn toward them instead of away? Who will SHOW them the love of Jesus? If not you, WHO?
Our wrecking ball is still swinging. God is calling us to levels of discomfort we've never known......and if it gets us closer to Him, we're going. All 5 of us. Because if not us, then who?
Friday, August 16, 2013
Update!
Since I last updated......so much has happened!!!!
On Monday, August 12th, Jake and I traveled 14 hours across Ukraine to Mukacheve. From Mukacheve we went to Beregovo where we found the ONLY hotel room in town. From there we immediately picked up the SDA inspector and traveled to a teeny tiny town, Bene, to the orphanage where our sweet D lives. We were warned ahead of time of the condition of the orphanage. His was supposed to be one of the poorest in the country. Jake and I spent most of the morning preparing our hearts for what we would see that day. But we pulled up to the orphanage gates and they were painted a bright, fun, turquoise. The gates opened to a long rock drive lined with greenery and flower gardens inside painted tires with kids' hand prints all over them. To the right of the driveway was a sprawling play area. Hand carved wooden swings and a pirate ship and a choo choo train. Monkey bars and a gazebo and weeping willows offering shade to the children in the hot summer sun. We were ushered into the orphanage directors office and (she's amazing by the way) we started chatting. Again, Jake and I were very unsure of what to expect. We were told that D had some health concerns that led us to believe that he could be quite sick. After about 30 minutes of Q & A with the inspector and director, we saw a tiny little face poke around a corner. And then we saw his grin. His giant, toothy grin. He told our translator that he has been waiting for us (melt my heart).
He's a VERY affectionate little guy. He hopped up on the sofa next to Jake nuzzled his head right under Jakes arm. We brought a photo album with us with pictures of our family, home, the beach, and a few of our sweet chocolate lab Brandy. D opened the album and the first picture he saw was our family picture. He gasped. He ran his hand across the photo at least 10 times. Then he moved his hand so it was resting on Jakes leg as he belly laughed his way through the rest of the album. He's healthy. He's smart. He's beautiful. He has been praying for a family.
Jake and I had limited time with him this week. The orphanage only allowed us to visit each day from 10-11 and from 4-5. We spent the time in between that doing a literal paperwork chase. Our translator is amazing (seriously.....if anybody has ever considered Ukrainian adoption, lets talk because this woman LOVES children and works her absolute hardest to get them into families). She did two weeks worth of paperwork in 3 days in an effort to get us home from Coles first day of school.
Here's the super hard stuff.......D doesn't understand what takes so long. He doesn't understand why he can't leave with us. He doesn't understand that we are coming back for him. It hurts my heart to know that he cries for us at night. 3 weeks is going to be a very very long time to be away from him. I considered sending Jake home and me staying in Ukraine......but God answered those thoughts when there was NO lodging anywhere for me after the day that we left. We prayed for an answer, and we got one.
SO, in about 2 and a half weeks, Jake and I will return to Ukraine for our official court date that says D is a Kubnick! Then, I will stay in Ukraine for a few more weeks while we wait out some of Ukraines 10 day wait periods and birth certificates and passports and medical exams and Jake will return home to be with Cole and Zella and well, lets just be honest, bring home the bacon. There are lots of emotions today....LOTS. But I'm saving them for a shorter post - you're welcome.
I need to make a couple of PSA's......
1. We have had SO many people say to us "you guys are amazing! We need more people like you!". Jake and I were talking the other night and we don't know what to say when people say that. We aren't amazing. We are Jill and Joe Schmoe. We're just a couple of kids that love Jesus and really and truly seek Him and to hear Him. We agree that there need to be more people adopting, but we are no different than anyone else. We struggle with selfishness. We struggle with letting go of the money that God raised for this adoption. We struggle with extending ourselves outside of our comfort zone and parenting not just another child, but a broken child. We believe, 100%, that no parent is perfect, but that there is a perfect parent for every child. They just have to say yes. In our brokenness, we were rescued by a Father that loves us in our ugliness. John 13:34 "this command I give to you; love one another as I have loved you." In D's brokenness, we will love him. Anyone can do it. Everyone can do something. The orphan crisis gets minimized every day by people that say the numbers aren't REALLY as bad as the reports indicate. From a woman that has seen the faces of the children in the files in Ukraine and has felt the touch of their tiny hands at an orphanage in Bene, Ukraine, the crisis is real, and you are needed. Pray about it.
2. We are VERY well aware of the struggles that we will endure when we get D home. Please, save your horrible adoption stories about your cousins friends uncles best friend that adopted once and their child burned their house down and suffered from severe detachment disorder. People. These children are broken. Do you think they ASKED to be treated so poorly that they developed these issues? And do you truly think that everyone saying no to adoption because of the sharing of these awful stories that its going to fix the issue? If you have those stories, don't share them with us. We don't need your negativity. We choose to surround ourselves with people that will pray about an issue and not just talk about it. We choose joy....even in the storms, and they will absolutely come, we choose joy. If you have something other than that to deliver, take it somewhere else.
We are in a beautiful hotel in Amsterdam tonight as we missed our connector in our effort to get home to Cole and Zella today. Tomorrow morning we board a flight and God willing, land in Savannah tomorrow afternoon. We CANNOT wait to squeeze our babies!!!!!!
More updates to come....AFTER I get some sleep :)
On Monday, August 12th, Jake and I traveled 14 hours across Ukraine to Mukacheve. From Mukacheve we went to Beregovo where we found the ONLY hotel room in town. From there we immediately picked up the SDA inspector and traveled to a teeny tiny town, Bene, to the orphanage where our sweet D lives. We were warned ahead of time of the condition of the orphanage. His was supposed to be one of the poorest in the country. Jake and I spent most of the morning preparing our hearts for what we would see that day. But we pulled up to the orphanage gates and they were painted a bright, fun, turquoise. The gates opened to a long rock drive lined with greenery and flower gardens inside painted tires with kids' hand prints all over them. To the right of the driveway was a sprawling play area. Hand carved wooden swings and a pirate ship and a choo choo train. Monkey bars and a gazebo and weeping willows offering shade to the children in the hot summer sun. We were ushered into the orphanage directors office and (she's amazing by the way) we started chatting. Again, Jake and I were very unsure of what to expect. We were told that D had some health concerns that led us to believe that he could be quite sick. After about 30 minutes of Q & A with the inspector and director, we saw a tiny little face poke around a corner. And then we saw his grin. His giant, toothy grin. He told our translator that he has been waiting for us (melt my heart).
He's a VERY affectionate little guy. He hopped up on the sofa next to Jake nuzzled his head right under Jakes arm. We brought a photo album with us with pictures of our family, home, the beach, and a few of our sweet chocolate lab Brandy. D opened the album and the first picture he saw was our family picture. He gasped. He ran his hand across the photo at least 10 times. Then he moved his hand so it was resting on Jakes leg as he belly laughed his way through the rest of the album. He's healthy. He's smart. He's beautiful. He has been praying for a family.
Jake and I had limited time with him this week. The orphanage only allowed us to visit each day from 10-11 and from 4-5. We spent the time in between that doing a literal paperwork chase. Our translator is amazing (seriously.....if anybody has ever considered Ukrainian adoption, lets talk because this woman LOVES children and works her absolute hardest to get them into families). She did two weeks worth of paperwork in 3 days in an effort to get us home from Coles first day of school.
Here's the super hard stuff.......D doesn't understand what takes so long. He doesn't understand why he can't leave with us. He doesn't understand that we are coming back for him. It hurts my heart to know that he cries for us at night. 3 weeks is going to be a very very long time to be away from him. I considered sending Jake home and me staying in Ukraine......but God answered those thoughts when there was NO lodging anywhere for me after the day that we left. We prayed for an answer, and we got one.
SO, in about 2 and a half weeks, Jake and I will return to Ukraine for our official court date that says D is a Kubnick! Then, I will stay in Ukraine for a few more weeks while we wait out some of Ukraines 10 day wait periods and birth certificates and passports and medical exams and Jake will return home to be with Cole and Zella and well, lets just be honest, bring home the bacon. There are lots of emotions today....LOTS. But I'm saving them for a shorter post - you're welcome.
I need to make a couple of PSA's......
1. We have had SO many people say to us "you guys are amazing! We need more people like you!". Jake and I were talking the other night and we don't know what to say when people say that. We aren't amazing. We are Jill and Joe Schmoe. We're just a couple of kids that love Jesus and really and truly seek Him and to hear Him. We agree that there need to be more people adopting, but we are no different than anyone else. We struggle with selfishness. We struggle with letting go of the money that God raised for this adoption. We struggle with extending ourselves outside of our comfort zone and parenting not just another child, but a broken child. We believe, 100%, that no parent is perfect, but that there is a perfect parent for every child. They just have to say yes. In our brokenness, we were rescued by a Father that loves us in our ugliness. John 13:34 "this command I give to you; love one another as I have loved you." In D's brokenness, we will love him. Anyone can do it. Everyone can do something. The orphan crisis gets minimized every day by people that say the numbers aren't REALLY as bad as the reports indicate. From a woman that has seen the faces of the children in the files in Ukraine and has felt the touch of their tiny hands at an orphanage in Bene, Ukraine, the crisis is real, and you are needed. Pray about it.
2. We are VERY well aware of the struggles that we will endure when we get D home. Please, save your horrible adoption stories about your cousins friends uncles best friend that adopted once and their child burned their house down and suffered from severe detachment disorder. People. These children are broken. Do you think they ASKED to be treated so poorly that they developed these issues? And do you truly think that everyone saying no to adoption because of the sharing of these awful stories that its going to fix the issue? If you have those stories, don't share them with us. We don't need your negativity. We choose to surround ourselves with people that will pray about an issue and not just talk about it. We choose joy....even in the storms, and they will absolutely come, we choose joy. If you have something other than that to deliver, take it somewhere else.
We are in a beautiful hotel in Amsterdam tonight as we missed our connector in our effort to get home to Cole and Zella today. Tomorrow morning we board a flight and God willing, land in Savannah tomorrow afternoon. We CANNOT wait to squeeze our babies!!!!!!
More updates to come....AFTER I get some sleep :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)