6 more sleeps!!!!! People. The preface to this journey began in May, 2012. 6 more sleeps until we get to write the book. I can't wrap my brain around this. I can't wrap my heart around it. So I'm just going. I'm just packing all our stuff up and going and not trying to process it because who can really do that? Who can really walk into an orphanage, process what the word "orphan" really means, choose to love children that are hurt and broken and have been forgotten for so long, and really and truly understand it all? I know I can't do that. And that's why I have God. He never asked me and Jake to understand. There are no red letters written in the Good Book that say "please, brethren, overanalyze every one of My plans for you until ye have full understanding and wisdom". He did say, "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10. So we'll go in 6 more sleeps. We'll cry when we leave Cole and Zella and we'll cry when we see the faces of our new children for the first time. We'll chew our nails off as we wait and we will pray pray pray pray. But we will not fear. 6 more sleeps.
So to answer a lot of questions, here's what will happen when we arrive in Ukraine. We arrive on Aug. 5th. Our appointment with the SDA (Ukrainian adoption authority) is bright and early on Aug. 7th. When we arrive at the appointment we will be handed anywhere from 1-10 medical files. Each file can contain either 1 child or up to 2 children. They will select children from their database to fit our criteria. Our criteria were: Age 7 or under, boy or girl, healthy or mild, treatable/correctable health issues. We will have approximately 30 minutes to choose 1 file. Once we choose a file, the paperwork will get started for a referral. We can pick the official referall up the next day and then we travel to the region of the country where the child(ren) are located. It could be as close as 20 minutes and as far as a days long train ride. Once we meet the child(ren), if we feel that "yes, this is it!" then we accept the referral and paperwork will get started to file for a court date. If, for lots of different reasons, we choose to NOT accept the referral, we travel back to the SDA and give them a written explanation of why we are turning down the first referral. We must then wait for another appointment (usually takes about a week for an appointment). You are allowed to turn down 3 referrals. That's it. 3 strikes and you're out. BUT, we are having faith that God will very clearly reveal the child(ren) He has chosen for us at the first appointment, without question, to both of us. The average time between meeting child(ren) and court is about a month. Once the court has officially named us legal guardians there is a mandatory 10 day wait before we are allowed to check the child(ren) out of the orphanage. After the 10 days are up and we beat feet, we head back to Kiev for passports, medical exams and Visas and then HOME SWEET HOME! Sounds easy, right? Well that's what we're praying for. We're praying for easy peezy lemon squeezy because this has been a wild ride and we are all ready to have our family together, complete, on US soil.
So what do we need? We need prayer! If you're tight with Jesus then we need you on our team! Seriously. I believe there is NO such thing as too much prayer. Blanket us from top to bottom and all around. Here are our main prayer requests:
1. For Cole and Zella to be so distracted while we're gone that they won't have time to miss us.....but if they do, for them to find comfort in prayer and in the amazing families that will be loving them while we are away.
2. For our flights to be on time, land safely and for us to get through customs with NO trouble.
3. For our appointment to be successful and for God to reveal, clearly, 100 % without a doubt, to both Jake and myself, which child(ren) He has chosen for us.
4. For us to be able to make decisions prayerfully regarding coming home in between meeting and court.
5. For us to bond quickly with our child(ren) (((this one makes me cry!))).
6. For us to pray without ceasing.
7. For there to be NO hold ups with paperwork, passports, visas or medical exams.
8. For us to be changed by what we will walk through. God does not take us through this heavy stuff with the intention of us walking out the same way we walked in. He has purpose. Always. Please pray that we seek Him first and that we are sensitive to His voice and His lessons.
We know that we are surrounded. Our God goes before us, walks along side us, and brings up the rear. We will not fear as we walk into this crazy, amazing, Kubnick sized journey!
Thank you all for your love and support......but mostly, for your prayer.
God bless and good night!
McKenzee
Monday, July 29, 2013
Sunday, July 14, 2013
A Sparrow
When I was younger (not as young as you'd like to think) and far more delusional, I, like most of America, thought I was a singer. And not just a church song singer. I was a Mariah Carey, Lauryn Hill, Whitney Houston singer. I can still feel the walkman in my hand as I pressed rewind and flipped the "I'm Every Woman" tape over and over again. Around that same time the movie "Sister Act 2" was released and the incredible Lauryn Hill made her debut. I watched that movie ALMOST as many times as I watched "Adventures in Babysitting". While "Adventures" was watched with grandiose dreams of one day being old enough to babysit and make money doing it, "Sister Act 2" was watched for only two scenes. I would watch, then pause and try to sing it just like her. God bless my mother for never telling me how horrible I was. I can hear it in my head. Her voice is weathered and worn and scratchy and convicted and she sings "why should I feel discouraged? Why should the shadows come? Why should my heart feel lonely, and long for heaven and home? When Jesus is my portion. A constant friend is he. His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches over me. His eye is on the sparrow. And I know He watches me..." The song goes on as she plays piano and my mind wandered to me standing on a stage belting out those lyrics. As I got older I FINALLY learned that I am extrememly tone deaf and the stage I dreamt of performing on disappeared but that song still resonated in some of my very lonely, very very dark times. When my children were babies and my audience became blue-eyed miracles and we spent countless hours in the rocking chair I would sing this song in their tiny little ears. I wanted them to know these things above all else. And I think that what happens sometimes in our determination to ensure that I children grow up knowing that they are loved by God regardless of any doubt they have, I think that sometimes, as parents, we forget that we too, are His children. And we too, are loved without condition. We, with our weathered and worn voices, scratchy and broken and rough and weary, can sing out to Him, tone deaf and all and sing "I sing because I'm happy. I sing because I'm free. His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me."
Jake and I have struggled this week. Adoption is good for lots of things. One of those things is this.....any time you say "yes" to God, the enemy calls up his army. He knows the things that will throw you off course. For us, its financial issues and stress and anxiety. Turns out, adoption is knee deep in all of those! And this week we have worried and stressed and counted dollars and then the roof started leaking and there was an unexpected adoption fee and it piles up and the stress mounts and suddenly we found ourselves at a point where the problems seemed so big, so insurmountable, that solutions were literally unforeseeable. We had talked about them so much that our stomachs were in knots and our palms sweaty and our tones were very coarse. Our patience was thin and tear ducts dry. And in my ear I heard His whisper, "pray".
I woke up this morning feeling hopeful. I remembered that last week at church our pastor had mentioned "next week we will talk about stress and anxiety and what the Bible says about that". Jake and I laughed at each other last week. We always know God delivers His messages with direct purpose and so it was hilarious that this sermon seemed so perfectly designed for us. And that was last week, before our lives changed a little. And so this morning I woke up and I said "God, give us what You got. Cause You're all we have to stand on."
"Then Jesus said to His disciples: 'Therefore I tell you, do not worry about what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap; they have no store room or barn; yet God feeds them. And much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest? Consider how the wild flowers grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown in the fire, how much more will He clothe you - you of little faith! And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek His kingdom first, and these things will be given to you as well." Luke 12:22-31
This is the scripture that opened our sermon today. I heard Jake chuckle. Indeed, chuckle away. We had forgotten that to our Father, we are more valuable than the ravens or the sparrows or the wild flowers. We had forgotten for a minute, as we journey to bring our children home, that we too, are children. We are children of a God who is with us and goes before us and reminds us not to fear because we are His. In our attempts to raise our children to be obedient and listen and always pray first and trust God, we forgot this week that their greatest lesson is to be taught through example. By parents that always pray first, by parents that are obedient to their Father, by parents that trust Him for everything from the food on the table to the clothes on their backs, by parents that allow their Father to comfort them in times of discouragement and by parents that praise God regardless of the extremity of their storm.
Today, we are reminded that our problems are so much smaller than His greatness. Sometimes we just have to hit our knees and sit back and let God work......all the while singing, in our weathered and scratchy, tone deaf, been ugly crying for a week voices "why should I feel discouraged? Why should the shadows come? Why should my heart feel lonely, and long for heaven and home? When Jesus is my portion. A constant friend is he. His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches over me. His eye is on the sparrow. And I know He watches me. I sing because I'm happy. I sing because I'm free. His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me."
Jake and I have struggled this week. Adoption is good for lots of things. One of those things is this.....any time you say "yes" to God, the enemy calls up his army. He knows the things that will throw you off course. For us, its financial issues and stress and anxiety. Turns out, adoption is knee deep in all of those! And this week we have worried and stressed and counted dollars and then the roof started leaking and there was an unexpected adoption fee and it piles up and the stress mounts and suddenly we found ourselves at a point where the problems seemed so big, so insurmountable, that solutions were literally unforeseeable. We had talked about them so much that our stomachs were in knots and our palms sweaty and our tones were very coarse. Our patience was thin and tear ducts dry. And in my ear I heard His whisper, "pray".
I woke up this morning feeling hopeful. I remembered that last week at church our pastor had mentioned "next week we will talk about stress and anxiety and what the Bible says about that". Jake and I laughed at each other last week. We always know God delivers His messages with direct purpose and so it was hilarious that this sermon seemed so perfectly designed for us. And that was last week, before our lives changed a little. And so this morning I woke up and I said "God, give us what You got. Cause You're all we have to stand on."
"Then Jesus said to His disciples: 'Therefore I tell you, do not worry about what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap; they have no store room or barn; yet God feeds them. And much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest? Consider how the wild flowers grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown in the fire, how much more will He clothe you - you of little faith! And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek His kingdom first, and these things will be given to you as well." Luke 12:22-31
This is the scripture that opened our sermon today. I heard Jake chuckle. Indeed, chuckle away. We had forgotten that to our Father, we are more valuable than the ravens or the sparrows or the wild flowers. We had forgotten for a minute, as we journey to bring our children home, that we too, are children. We are children of a God who is with us and goes before us and reminds us not to fear because we are His. In our attempts to raise our children to be obedient and listen and always pray first and trust God, we forgot this week that their greatest lesson is to be taught through example. By parents that always pray first, by parents that are obedient to their Father, by parents that trust Him for everything from the food on the table to the clothes on their backs, by parents that allow their Father to comfort them in times of discouragement and by parents that praise God regardless of the extremity of their storm.
Today, we are reminded that our problems are so much smaller than His greatness. Sometimes we just have to hit our knees and sit back and let God work......all the while singing, in our weathered and scratchy, tone deaf, been ugly crying for a week voices "why should I feel discouraged? Why should the shadows come? Why should my heart feel lonely, and long for heaven and home? When Jesus is my portion. A constant friend is he. His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches over me. His eye is on the sparrow. And I know He watches me. I sing because I'm happy. I sing because I'm free. His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me."
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
A little of what I've learned as a SAHM.......
I've officially been a stay at home for just over 2 months now. I've spent more time with my family in the last two months than I have in years. And it can be frustrating.....and there are times when I want to just go for a run to get away from it (I HATE running).....and then there are times, many many more of these than the aforementioned, where I stop, breathe it in and thank God for the moment, for the sunshine, for the nothing to do-ness of a summer day, for little children that actually like me in spite of my monsterish tendencies, for the chance to soak them in, for the opportunity to love my husband without being pressed for time....because this season will pass just as quickly as the last and the next. Jake and I sat on the beach two days ago talking about God and our dreams. There are days when I feel like we aren't doing enough for God. Surely we should be acting and sacrificing and serving more outside of our home right now....and Jake, my steady, said to me "maybe right where we are, is where God wants us for right now. Did you ever think that He gave us this time, to just be still?" Oh how I love this man. I know Jake's right. This time is teach us. This time is to force us into stillness. I don't want to miss the lessons that are being taught in every single day. Here are a few things that I've learned as I've really really stopped and paid attention:
1. The hardest, absolute hardest part of my every single day is fighting selfishness. Any Mom that says that she doesn't occasionally think to herself "there's nobody cutting the crust off my bread and putting my clean underwear away. there's nobody serving me dinner first and there's nobody allowing me to have quiet time for 2 hours every afternoon.....why should I do it for them?" Its a fight being a good Mom. But what's the result? My prayer is that the result is children that grow up knowing the Lord, and never depart from His ways (Proverbs 22:6). My prayer is that one day my little girl will remember that Mommy wore hot pink jelly bracelets and Minnie Mouse ears and ate her fake cookies in leiu of a hot shower. Or that my son will remember that when Mom really really needed to paint those jars for a little extra money, that we went on a bike ride instead. My prayer is that one day my son will lead his family in Bible study each morning at the butt crack of dawn as his kids complain about having to do it. My prayer is that one day my little girl will smile as her family gags down a terrible meal that she spent all day long cooking.....and the next day, in spite of her failure, she will provide a meal for them again. My prayer is that they remember our hands touching them in the middle of the night and the whispered prayers for guidance in parenting and that when they fail, because they will, just like we do, they know how to ask forgiveness, and have full knowledge that they are covered by God's grace.
2. I made a lot of mistakes in my early parenting days. I look at some of Cole's OCD tendencies and I think to myself, "I did that to him". I believe that. My over-obessive first time Mom, over mothering completely screwed up the little boy in him. He never had on dirty clothes, never had dirty hands, always had a clean face, never had a scraped knee, the list goes on....because I was there, every single second, making sure that he was "perfect". Here's where I screwed up. He was perfect anyways. He still is. None of that outside stuff matters. I never ever let him be little. And now my Zella is 3.5. And her first year of life was tumultuous with her tummy stuff and before I knew it she was 1 and then 2 and now 3.5 and really and truly, I've missed it. Almost all of it. If I had to do it all over again......I would. This time, as a Christian. I know that our values weren't in the right place when we bought a house contingent on two incomes and sent our kids off to daycare. I'm not knocking any mother that works - good for you! - but for our family, we were driven by greed, not by contentment. And now that I'm here, at home, my prayer has shifted to making up for lost time. I pray that Cole and Zella will give me a few more years before they don't need me anymore. I've missed so so much. I'm praying that God blesses us with a few more "arrows in the quiver". They are truly blessings. Even when they drive me insane.....its a blessing. Psalm 127:3-5
3. I am not as organized or time efficient as I once thought. This explains itself. I struggle to get more than one scheduled task accomplished each day. Homeschool Moms, you are my heros. For real. FOR REAL. Last night we played UNO and Jake held the number 4 card up and said "Zella, what number is this?" she replied "22!!!". So there you go. Anybody need an extra student this summer? LOL. Also, God bless the women at daycare, the pre-teachers, that teach kids how to read, write, count and wipe from front to back. You are saints and your heroic efforts on a daily basis are not lost on me.
4. There is no end to housework. How did I EVER do this when I worked? Seriously. If my dog blows one more winter coat I will have vacuumed up enough hair to make a parka. The dust is endless. How is this possible? It. Never. Ends. BUT........Proverbs 31:26-27.
5. I've lost friends. I have changed. Everything has changed. And while it's painful, it has to be ok. I can't be one foot in, and one foot out. And you know, I might be doing this all wrong. I might be throwing myself way too much into my family and not focusing on myself and every woman needs alone time and all that jazz. I do believe that all women need time to regroup. Sometimes just a pee break with no one needing a snack in the middle of it is the most refreshing part of my day.....the real friends are the ones that understand that I have chosen to be a Christian, wife, and mother before all other things....the real friends are the ones that call anyways. They're the ones that don't judge me even when our beliefs don't line up. They're the ones that when I'm a flaky friend and haven't called in two months because well, there's that time management thing again, they're the ones that still love me for me, not what I can or can't do for them. You know who you are. Thank you for being faithful.
I've learned more about myself in the last 2 months than I thought possible. Its been humbling, and hard, and there were days when I cried and cried thinking that I made a huge mistake in leaving work. Sure, there are things that we still struggle through every day. We are human. Some days are better than others. Some days are sunshiney and butterflies and rainbows and some days I'm on my knees all day just praying that bed time will hurry up because mama's last nerve is almost broken. But with every fight that we throw ourselves into.........nobody ever said it would be easy, but it will be worth it. Phillippians 1:6
1. The hardest, absolute hardest part of my every single day is fighting selfishness. Any Mom that says that she doesn't occasionally think to herself "there's nobody cutting the crust off my bread and putting my clean underwear away. there's nobody serving me dinner first and there's nobody allowing me to have quiet time for 2 hours every afternoon.....why should I do it for them?" Its a fight being a good Mom. But what's the result? My prayer is that the result is children that grow up knowing the Lord, and never depart from His ways (Proverbs 22:6). My prayer is that one day my little girl will remember that Mommy wore hot pink jelly bracelets and Minnie Mouse ears and ate her fake cookies in leiu of a hot shower. Or that my son will remember that when Mom really really needed to paint those jars for a little extra money, that we went on a bike ride instead. My prayer is that one day my son will lead his family in Bible study each morning at the butt crack of dawn as his kids complain about having to do it. My prayer is that one day my little girl will smile as her family gags down a terrible meal that she spent all day long cooking.....and the next day, in spite of her failure, she will provide a meal for them again. My prayer is that they remember our hands touching them in the middle of the night and the whispered prayers for guidance in parenting and that when they fail, because they will, just like we do, they know how to ask forgiveness, and have full knowledge that they are covered by God's grace.
2. I made a lot of mistakes in my early parenting days. I look at some of Cole's OCD tendencies and I think to myself, "I did that to him". I believe that. My over-obessive first time Mom, over mothering completely screwed up the little boy in him. He never had on dirty clothes, never had dirty hands, always had a clean face, never had a scraped knee, the list goes on....because I was there, every single second, making sure that he was "perfect". Here's where I screwed up. He was perfect anyways. He still is. None of that outside stuff matters. I never ever let him be little. And now my Zella is 3.5. And her first year of life was tumultuous with her tummy stuff and before I knew it she was 1 and then 2 and now 3.5 and really and truly, I've missed it. Almost all of it. If I had to do it all over again......I would. This time, as a Christian. I know that our values weren't in the right place when we bought a house contingent on two incomes and sent our kids off to daycare. I'm not knocking any mother that works - good for you! - but for our family, we were driven by greed, not by contentment. And now that I'm here, at home, my prayer has shifted to making up for lost time. I pray that Cole and Zella will give me a few more years before they don't need me anymore. I've missed so so much. I'm praying that God blesses us with a few more "arrows in the quiver". They are truly blessings. Even when they drive me insane.....its a blessing. Psalm 127:3-5
3. I am not as organized or time efficient as I once thought. This explains itself. I struggle to get more than one scheduled task accomplished each day. Homeschool Moms, you are my heros. For real. FOR REAL. Last night we played UNO and Jake held the number 4 card up and said "Zella, what number is this?" she replied "22!!!". So there you go. Anybody need an extra student this summer? LOL. Also, God bless the women at daycare, the pre-teachers, that teach kids how to read, write, count and wipe from front to back. You are saints and your heroic efforts on a daily basis are not lost on me.
4. There is no end to housework. How did I EVER do this when I worked? Seriously. If my dog blows one more winter coat I will have vacuumed up enough hair to make a parka. The dust is endless. How is this possible? It. Never. Ends. BUT........Proverbs 31:26-27.
5. I've lost friends. I have changed. Everything has changed. And while it's painful, it has to be ok. I can't be one foot in, and one foot out. And you know, I might be doing this all wrong. I might be throwing myself way too much into my family and not focusing on myself and every woman needs alone time and all that jazz. I do believe that all women need time to regroup. Sometimes just a pee break with no one needing a snack in the middle of it is the most refreshing part of my day.....the real friends are the ones that understand that I have chosen to be a Christian, wife, and mother before all other things....the real friends are the ones that call anyways. They're the ones that don't judge me even when our beliefs don't line up. They're the ones that when I'm a flaky friend and haven't called in two months because well, there's that time management thing again, they're the ones that still love me for me, not what I can or can't do for them. You know who you are. Thank you for being faithful.
I've learned more about myself in the last 2 months than I thought possible. Its been humbling, and hard, and there were days when I cried and cried thinking that I made a huge mistake in leaving work. Sure, there are things that we still struggle through every day. We are human. Some days are better than others. Some days are sunshiney and butterflies and rainbows and some days I'm on my knees all day just praying that bed time will hurry up because mama's last nerve is almost broken. But with every fight that we throw ourselves into.........nobody ever said it would be easy, but it will be worth it. Phillippians 1:6
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