I've been sitting on this for a while. I had no idea how to unpack what was in my head and certainly didn't know if the timing was what God wanted. In my head, I've written this approximately fiftyleven times in the last couple of months. And none of them was right. None of them seemed to fit. It was just this week that God wrote this story for me (and still I won't do it justice with my words). And I'm so glad that I waited. Because He didn't just change my words, He changed my mind.
Several weeks ago, I was out to a girls dinner with 3 girls. 2 of them I know in an acquaintance kind of way and the 3rd I'm super close with. After hours of talking about everything under the sun, I was left alone at the table with one of the acquaintances. First of all, I give props to this girl. She did this respectfully (in waiting for the other two to leave) and second of all, she asked, but didn't pry. So they left the table and she just asked. Flat out. "I hear people say all the time that they love their adopted children the same way they love their biological children. Is it really the same?" And I told her, "no. It's not the same. Loving him is something that I work very hard to do." And before I had a chance to elaborate, the other girls returned, and this wonderful woman dropped the subject and we never revisited it. But it won't go away. It's there in my mind all the time. And I know that I meant what I said. I know that, FOR US (every family is different), this is true. So if I'm so confident in my answer, why has God been holding this conversation hostage in my heart for weeks?
And this week, He let me know why. Because He wanted to not just change my answer. He wanted to change my heart. This week I learned that love is not a feeling.
Love is a commitment.
Love says......
I will be here when everybody else leaves.
I will NOT enable you, I WILL teach you that you can do hard things.
I will back off, but I will NOT leave, when you need space.
I will forgive you when you can't forgive yourself.
I will pray, when you don't know how.
I will reach my hand out to you, and wait patiently as you decide whether or not to take it.
I will offer guidance, and accept when you deny it.
I will lead you to water.......and accept that I cannot make you drink.
I will always do what's best for you.....even if it doesn't benefit me.
I will show you right from wrong......
I will show you what it means to be humble and what it looks like to serve.....
If someone asked me again today, is it the same? I would say yes. Yes I am committed to my husband and all of my children in the same way. I will not give up. I will not walk away. Does it FEEL the same? No. But love is not a feeling. All of us have commitments. Running a few miles a day. Taking up a new hobby (ever seen a man with a new set of golf clubs on the driving range - commitment, people). Running a business. Marriage. Kids. Volunteering. Making a commitment means that you refuse to lose. That's what love is. It refuses to be defeated. And that sounds so magical right? In your head you're considering all of the hypothetical ways that "love" can be defeated. All of the ways that, in this world, you've seen it fall apart. And that's where I've been wrong. Love was not defined for us in this world.
Today is Palm Sunday. I think about the way Jesus must have felt as they called out for Him "Hosanna!!!!! Hosanna in the highest!" Hosanna means "save me". The people were literally crying to Him and begging to be saved. And He knew of His fate. He knew that the only way to satisfy the wrath of God was to die on that cross. But even with the desperate cries of the people, do you think He wasn't afraid? He wasn't riding that donkey like it was his steed and he was a knight in shining armor. Do you think He wasn't wondering why THIS was God's plan for His life? But He was committed. He LOVES us. If love was a feeling, He would have refused. If love was a feeling, He would have pointed out that He was not being treated reciprocally. If He was going to die, then what were we going to do for Him? If love was a feeling, we would all be going to hell. But it's not. It's a commitment. And it was displayed for us, right there on the cross. And even after He died (because of us) and rose, as He ascended into heaven He said "and be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age." Matthew 28:20. AFTER we nailed him to a cross, He STILL won't leave us. THAT is commitment. That is love.
What a perfect example we've all been given on how to love. And what an even more perfect display we've been shown of how when we feel unlovable, someone (God) is committed to us. Nobody can sin enough to negate His love. It is a commitment. Unfailing. Permanent.
