Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Joy

"I can find joy here, too.  That God is in the days that go as planned. And God is in the days that don't." -Katie Davis

First let me say that if you're reading this blog, and you haven't ever read Katie Davis' blog, or her book, or read about Amazima, read it. Go there now.  kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com   When you get there, you'll understand why I sent you. 

So Saturday night I was catching up on her blog posts.  And this line grabbed me......"I can find JOY here, too. That God is in the days that go as planned. And God is in the days that don't."  And today, it kept repeating itself in my head.....God is here. Find the joy.

Jake and I have been together almost 10 years.  In the beginning of our relationship I remember the panic that ensued (we were only dating at the time) when I got a phone call that said Jake had lost all feeling in his legs during his PFT and the ambulance was taking him to the ER.  Panic.  The time that the surgeon was explaining to us that they would need to also have a Vascular Surgeon on staff during Jakes back surgery in order to move his main arteries away from the drill and screws that would be used on his spine. That there was a chance that after surgery, he would be sterile. Panic.  The time he called and said "dont panic".....always panic when a man says not to panic.....and he had been unconscious in the woods for hours, 6 months post back surgery, after being thrown over the handle bars of a dirt bike. Panic. Panic Panic Panic.  Today, when one of Jakes friends called and said that he asked them to call and he was being taken to the ER, that it sounded like celery had snapped, panic.  But not panic because I don't know for a fact that God is with him in every single one of these situations. Panic because he's alone. Panic because I can't teleport myself to his location to hold his hand. Panic that in that very moment, I can't fix it.  That's what I do. Gods the foundation of the family, Jake's the leader, and I'm the glue.

As I was driving all over Beaufort County today it kept coming  back to me. Find the joy. Find the joy. God is here. 

When I got to the hospital I found a very different Jake than the last several times we've been in those same shoes. He was laughing. He was gutting his way through the pain. He wasn't using foul language. He was being incredibly courteous to the very talkative nurse that kept hitting his foot with her leg as she was preparing to wrap it. He was grateful for the care that had been provided and sympathetic toward the nurses in knowing that their jobs are far less than glamorous.  He was sitting on the bed, head bobbing back and forth as he swore the morphine shot wasn't working, and I found the joy.  I found the joy that God put in Jacob. The joy that has changed his life, and our marriage.....even the very very painful (both literal and metaphorical) times. Joy.

And I kept finding it.  When I got to my amazing sisters house and I found Zella sitting in her lap eating dinner, smearing spaghetti sauce all over McCall, who couldn't care less, because kids are kids. I found the joy in realizing that no matter the day or the time, the plan or the un-plan, McCall says "yes" to 2 more kids. 2 more screaming and needing to eat and running wild through her living room in addition to her 4. Because she loves them. And that's all that matters.  Joy in the love of my sister.

We were in the car on our way home and Cole was pretty upset that Jakes hurt. I don't even have to elaborate. How sweet is that? To have a child so thoughtful and loving and tender that he shed tears because Daddy was in pain.  JOY.  To hear Jake tell Cole that he doesn't have to worry about daddy, because Gods going to take care of him. JOY.  To hear Jake remind Cole that  no matter where he is, if he's scared or feeling anxious or just really really happy, that he can talk to God too, and Gods there. JOY.  To go on a five minute rant saying "I am the mother in this family. It doesn't matter if I get sick. Its a non-optional. I'm fine" and to hear Jake say "you matter". JOY.  To have the pleasure and honor of taking care of Jake tonight. To call myself his "wife". JOY.  We've opened the floodgates.

Today was the day that didn't go as planned. We've had several like this one and they have gotten no less gut wrenching over the years. Did we have a plan this morning other than get the kids to school and get to work? No. But we did kind of have an un-plan.  Things like "today we will not contract the flu and bring it home to our poor unsuspecting family members" or "today I will not get into a car accident" or most importantly "today, I will not need for any reason to go to the hospital".  Its the unwritten daily code. The things that you never ever plan to do.  But I found joy today, in a perfect execution of the un-plan that I could have never found in the plan.  And that's God. He's there. In every single day.....the good ones and the really bad ones.  And we can find joy there, too.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Plans


Our plans. That's humorous. 

We've been waiting for what seems like forever, but in reality has  been about 5 months or less, to find out a date for Jake to start working in Atlanta.  We knew it was a process.  We also knew that it could be a very long process.  But that didn't stop the planner in both of us.  We assumed we would be there, living in Atlanta, happily ever after, by the end of this year. Meaning, moved in, kids enrolled in school, bun in the over, you know, the whole life picture.  And through the whole waiting game, while the planner in me was picking out paint for a new house, the Christian in me knew that I should just stop planning.  Today Jake talked to his HR representative with the FAA and it looks like we'll be enjoying the Lowcountry for at least 9 more months.  9 more months.

Atlanta, to me, meant becoming a stay at home wife and mother. It meant another baby. It meant the opportunity to just be me and Jake, for the first time EVER in our relationship. It meant a fresh start.  I can't lie that my heart sank a little bit today when Jake called. I could hear it in his voice too. Disappointment. Not anger or sadness. But bummed. For sure, bummed.  Because we know what it means.  As soon as I hung the phone up my favorite verse (Jeremiah 29:11) popped back in my head......and as a result, new perspective (and an onslaught of reciprocating thoughts). 

I always got that first part...."For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord".  I get that. He knows the plan. But in thinking about it. In thinking about our life, as a family, in the last 2 years and realizing that none of these plans were ours, but all of them have led to amazing changes and memories, I realize that I completely missed the point of the verse.  It doesn't say that God just knows the plans. It tells us that He, the way, the truth and the light, made them. It doesn't say that He's aware of the plans that we've made for ourselves.  It says that He, who knows the stars by name, created the plan, and gives us the choice to follow the plan.....and if we do, those plans, HIS plans will never harm us and ALWAYS prosper us.   

I told myself last week when I realized that one of my longtime prayers was being answered that I was going to start writing my prayers down so I could remember when something happened I could say "you asked for this".  And today I told Jake that my prayers in the last several months have all been similar in that I prayed that God would keep us in prayer, and in His will.  That He would open the doors that needed to be opened, and close the ones that needed to be closed.  And its happening.  His plans will never harm us.

So I know there's a reason. I know theres a reason that we're being kept here.  The possibilities are endless for what could change in the next 9 months, 9 weeks, 9 minutes.  In a conversation with Jake last week I was trying to sway his opinion on an issue (shocker!) and I said to him, "I just don't feel like it's a luxury that we have to tell God, 'not right now'." But it is.  That's the choice.  God presents us with the plan and we DO have the choice. We can choose to say yes and we can choose to say no, in turn choosing whether or not to stay within His will.  On the contrary, we don't have the luxury of telling God "Now!". Someone give Jake a high five for me being wrong ;)  He has a perfect plan. One event leading to and coinciding with the next, and the next and the next.  My timing and my planning are pointless.  And for the very first time in my life, I'm learning to be okay with that. To just walk with Him and see what He's doing in our lives.

The last 2 years have been a complete breaking down to build back up, a renovation in our house.  God has taken us apart piece by piece and is slowly putting us back together.  Maybe this is just another block in the build.  He's teaching us to walk blindly. The ultimate confession of faith.  To just say, "well, God, my plans are completely obsolete at this point so here you go.  Take me, use me as you see fit. Your plans."

I'm just as excited to watch God work in our lives in the next several months as I am to start fresh in maybe a year? Maybe two?  I just know that I don't have to know anymore.  I don't have to look at the long term and make an excel chart. I know that we have dreams......dreams of a log cabin on a lake in Wisconsin, dreams of debt free living, dreams of wide open spaces and salt water, dreams of Italy in summertime.  And there's nothing wrong with being a dreamer. Maybe someday, some of those dreams will come true, but if they don't, we have the amazing comfort of knowing that it wasn't my poor planning that ran those dreams ashore, but that the ultimate, perfect plan of my perfect Father, found something way more amazing than lakefront property for us.

He knows the plans that He created for me and our family. He created plans for me that will never harm me, and always prosper me. He created a plan just for me that's full of hope and a future! 

So Atlanta isn't going anywhere. And neither are we for right now. And that's okay! 

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Confessions

These last three weeks have been nothing short of ridiculous in the Kubnick house. Between the four of us we all have had something going on, at all times, requiring immediate attention and not enough time. Ahhhhh yes, the American Dream.  We were going pretty strong after the hooplah of the holidays. We made it through New Years and got readjusted to the school routine. And then the first week of February hit me in the face like the smell of the flamingo pool at the zoo on a balmy August day.  First Coles birthday party, then his actual birthday (which we celebrate in a big way as well, you're only 6 once!), then Zellas birthday just 3 days later, then Valentines day just 3 days after that and then just 3 days after that we took a trip to Va. Beach to see our great friends the Allens.  As a working mama, all of my errands are run on the weekends. With our weekends being occupied by the birthday bonanzas and road trips, errands were done after the kids went to bed on nights when Jake wasn't working. While I was running errands, baking cupcakes, sculpting icing for a Minnie Mouse cake, or packing suitcases, Jake was working on his final paper - a mere 25 pages - for his Bachelors degree.  Jake is still pounding the keys and working away on his paper, while I thought I had managed to get back to normal.  Until this week came along.  And now it's all catching up to me. So I write!  Here are a few confessions, the not so serious and the much more serious, of one very overwhelmed me.

1.  Jakes on nights last night and tonight. Last night for dinner, I ate a hand full of Queso cheese Ruffles and a bowl of Honey Nut Chex cereal (not together).  Then today I complained about gaining weight. It's okay, I'm laughing too ;)  Tonight for dinner, I had a hand full of jelly beans and a bowl of Honey Nut Chex cereal. Tomorrow, I will complain that my jeans are creating a "uni-butt" because they are both figuratively and literally about to "bust at the seams".  Still laughing.

2.  Today is Wednesday. So far, every single day this week, I have embarked on a minimum of three individual rants, per day, about cheap people, Sun City residents, people that are the blackout curtains of an already dimly lit world, the education system in Jasper County, the education system in Beaufort County, and how there are a few people I know that need to have the word "sucka" tattooed on their foreheads.  There are more, but these were the longest ;)

3.  Today for lunch, I had 4 hersheys kisses and 4 mini kosher dill pickles.  I am fully aware of my terrible nutrition. Somewhere in between sinus infection #3 and #12 in the last 6 months my taste buds kind of died.  I just don't like food that much right now. I'm eating because I have to. And so if I'm eating because I have to, not because I want to, it better at least be whatever my body wants at the moment.  For the follow-up thought on this.....keep reading.

4.  With the chocolately coating of a hershey kiss still smothering my teeth, I prayed today that God would make me skinny overnight. That I definitely wanted to shed 20 but if He's feeling generous, 30 would be awesome. No lie. Legit prayer.  Yes, I am TIRED.  Again, laughing. 

5.  This morning I pulled my car out of the garage, down the driveway, and into the street. As I started to drive down the street a pair of tiny red, kiddy gloves flew off the hood of my car. I stopped and went and picked them up. I have NEVER seen these gloves in my life. Thought about it all day long, actually thought that there might be a child living in my garage that I've been too oblivous to notice.  FYI - no child living in my garage. Also FYI - Apparently the neighbor kids enter and exit the inside of my garage freely as they please.  So that's nice. 

6.  Jake and I are going on 10 years together. I know him. He knows me. We're getting better with age. And this week, in my exhaustion, I reconciled with the monster of selfishness.  And even though I know that the number one thing NOT to do with Jake is push, I pushed. I had been praying and praying and forgot, for just one text message and one phone call that my timing isn't Gods timing, and I grew impatient and I pushed. And the outcome was a conversation that I never wanted to have.  I couldn't help but think back to one of the first sermons that I heard Pastor Jaime deliver. I remember him giving us the times when the devil will attack us the hardest. I remember when we're sick and when we're tired.  Point proven.

7.  Someone stole my baby. They snuck in Zellas room and they swapped my happy, perma smile baby with a grumpy little monster.  I want a trade back!  There is no way to put this lightly.  The last two weeks of life with Zella Claire have been spent counting the time until the next nap or bedtime. It's sad. It hurts my heart to want her to be sleeping so she's not screaming or throwing or spitting or hitting.  Zella Claire, meet the terrible 2's.  Terrible 2's, Zella is OWNING you right now. 

8.  Seems like everyone I know is pregnant. Okay, not really. But truly there are so many girlfriends that are going to be welcoming new bundles of joy into the world very soon. And yes, there's a big part of me that's jealous. And then Zella kicks me and reminds me of my current hand full. But so this week has been heartbreaking, because I don't know if I can do it.  Every time Jake and I talk about another baby we follow it up with several days to a week of feeling like the earth was rocked on its axis because everything is so off balance. There's the mom in me that knows that every stage is just that, its a stage, and the reward is so much greater than the work put in. But then there's also the Mom that knows that this is hard work. Do I truly have it in me to love this many unconditionally?  At the end of the thought process, the answer is always yes.....always yes to 10 more babies if God says yes.  To however many need a mom.  That's how many yes' I have.

9.  If you're a personal trainer, stop reading right now.  I'm exhausted. I can't keep up anymore. I just got done folding ANOTHER load of laundry (that tone you hear is disgust), cleaned up the kitchen, packed bookbags, and of course had a gourmet cereal dinner, and I'm done. My house is a constant ball of Chocolate Lab hair and crappy construction dust.  I don't want to care. I want to feel okay about sitting down and blogging instead of cleaning baseboards at 9:30. But I can't. I know that my husband loves a clean house. So every choice is a dilemma. Rest a little because I'm spent or get clean things up so he's happy when he gets home? Go the gym and show him that I'm making an effort, or sit down and watch tv and let him think that I have completely given up and don't care?  There is such a thing as "too tired". 

10.  I know way too much about bugs. Way too much. Since having kids I've struggled with this whole socially awkward thing. Mainly around women, cause they're snotty ;)  But so I talk too much, and with my hands, and my cheeks get flushed, etc. when I get nervous. Nervous is an understatement. But so I went to a Scentsy party on Saturday and before leaving I asked the hostess if she had gotten our message about pest control. 5 minutes later and I was explaining the life cycles of certain roaches and how they feed off of one anothers feces.  Awesome right?  I clearly have mush brain.  What's worse, I get into it.  We had one customer a few years ago where we had to send the specimen to an entomologist to identify, etc. Once we found out what it was I came home and excitedly told Jake about how we had researched it and had it examined and it was really fascinating.  I still don't know if the look on his face was confusion or shame.  Very thankful that I can say that it's the family business........otherwise, I would just be weird ;)

11.  I need my Pinterest wardrobe.  Also, I need the bodies of the people wearing the Pinterest wardrobe. Just throwing that out there. Hook a sister up, God!!!!  LOL

12.  I'm dog tired. That's the bottom line. I'm knee deep with appointments and schedules, sinus infections, allergies, diaper rash and eczema, paper writing and baseboards that need cleaning, potty training and potty accidents, ADHD and flash cards, the gym and eat this not that. And in being overwhelmed, I'm excited. I'm excited to know that us leaving for Atlanta will be the beginning of a situation that's completely foreign to me or Jake. I'm excited to only have each other. I'm excited to rely on faith to get us through.  I'm excited to start over, as a family. I'm excited for change.  Change is GOOD!

So here's to this season. Here's to this season that we will never ever return too, and that makes me sad. And when it's gone, I'll miss it. Here's to getting some rest. Not just sleep, but rest. Here's to all the women having sweet babies. Here's to the Potter family for being an inspiring young family with their first foster child tucked away safely in her bed tonight (tears of joy).  Here's to the Ruppels, the Chouinards, the Lovelaces and the Ellis' for bringing your babies home to love them in spite of the chaos, for understanding that love changes everything.  Going to kiss my sleeping babies good night, then head to bed. Tomorrow, we do it all again -  and I am so thankful for that.